"Hyung?"

"Jungkook, it is literally four in the morning, go back to sleep or so help me fucking god."

"No, hyung, listen." He insists, shifting closer to him and Yoongi can feel his bare chest against his back, smell the cigarette smoke on him. Two weeks ago, they both said they'd quit but Yoongi doesn't say anything. Just waits for him to continue.

"I had a thought."

"At four in the fucking morning?" He croaks, turning around to face him.

He marvels at the way the boy doesn't even look groggy, hair pointing in different directions but eyes wide open, bright and clear as they always are. The only part of his face that remained as pure as the way it was when they were kids. Well, that and his smile.

"Yes!" He half whispers, snuggling closer and lifting the blankets over them both. "So, I thought about it and remember when my mom died? And I thought she reincarnated into the ice cream truck 'cause they played her favorite song?"

Yoongi smiles fondly. "Bun, your mom's favorite song was from Michael Buble. It plays everywhere during the Christmas Season."

"Not the point." Jungkook retorts, "Anyway, as I was saying, the ice cream truck.... Dude."

"What?"

"Dude."

"What the fuck?"

"Dude."

"Dude, you alright?" Yoongi wakes up with a jolt, a hand on his shoulder and the cold marble floor below him. For a moment, too immersed in the dream, he forgets where he is and searches frantically for the boy, but suddenly he remembers.

Ah. Right.

"Dude."

He looks up and is met with presumably another student from his university judging by the ID lace. A very good-looking student, might he add, in a blindingly colorful dress shirt and whose hair was curly and long, nearly covering his eyes. Said good-looking boy pushes his hair out of his eyes and Yoongi thinks, wow.

"Oh." is all that comes out of his mouth. "Fuck. What are you doing here?"

He comes to his senses, recovering from the dream and the good-looking face attack and realizes he's in his napping spot, the same napping spot he's been using for the past four semesters. No one ever comes here. It was his stairwell. He'd found it that one time he cut class to hook up with, what the hell was her name, Hwasa or something but felt too damn exhausted to go to his next class so he'd ended up here.

Yikes. He was getting old.

"I mean, I should be asking you that." The boy says, making himself comfortable next to Yoongi, casually, as if they hadn't just met. "I'm just skipping and hiding from a friend. Promised him I'd stop cutting this class but it sucks and I'm starving. What the hell are you doing napping here? It's a stairwell."

"You talk a lot. It's my napping spot." Yoongi grumbles. "It's been my napping spot since last year. No one ever comes here."

The boy stares at him, cocks his head and then looks away with a nod and a noise of approval. "Hmm. Interesting."

"What's interesting? Don't you dare come here again."

Instead of leaving, he reaches into his backpack, pulling out a small paper bag. He takes out what Yoongi presumes to be his lunch for the day and presents it to Yoongi with a sunny smile, that looks suspiciously like a Happy Rectangle. Yoongi blinks.

"Pork bun?"

Yoongi slowly takes the pork bun, a little spooked. But strangely, suddenly really hungry. "Okay."

The boy hums happily, bringing out his own pork bun and taking a bite out of it.

They eat in silence for the next five minutes before Yoongi decides he can't take it anymore and asks, "This is weird, right?"

"A little. I like it!" The boy exclaims, beaming at him again. "What's your name? I'm Kim Taehyung! I'm a sophomore."

Yoongi sighs to himself, moodily taking another bite out of the pork bun. So much for nap time. "Min Yoongi. I'm a senior."

When Yoongi gets back to his apartment that day, he tells Hoseok, Namjoon and Seokjin all about the strange boy who'd invaded his napping place, who was equal parts annoying and good-looking as hell.

"Sounds like you're annoyed 'cause you're attracted to him, hyung." Namjoon laughs.

"I hate you." Yoongi says, as if reflexively. "Give me some of that ramen."

"No."

"Ugh," Hoseok exclaims, dramatically, crossing his legs as he takes a sip of his soda. "I love a good hate fuck."

"What was his name?" Seokjin asks, taking his attention off his laptop for a second. Yoongi didn't even realize he was listening. "Maybe I can give him a little something, you know. I can write a good recommendation letter for you."

"I will murder you all." Yoongi deadpans, angrily slurping Namjoon's ramen.

When Yoongi gets to his napping spot again two days later, Kim Taehyung is already there, sitting on the steps and waving excitedly. "There you are! You didn't come yesterday! You want some cookies?"

Yoongi has to inhale and exhale twice to avoid making his annoyance show. Deep breaths, he thinks. And then marches his way over to the boy, takes a seat next to him albeit keeping his distance before grabbing the cookie he's offering. "I'll eat the damn cookie. But stop coming back here. This is my spot."

And of course, he's there again the next day and it's when Yoongi is feeling particularly tired because he'd just gone through his least favorite three hour class and just really wanted to nap for at least half an hour but he is once again met with that rectangular smile and oh, he's wearing sweatpants and a white shirt and is sweating through it.

Yoongi gulps.

It's really not the fucking time, little dude , he speaks to his dick telepathically.

"Yoongi hyung!" Taehyung greets, a little too loudly, standing from his position on the stairwell, dropping his pens and notebook, "You're finally here!"

Yoongi blinks. "How the hell are you always here when I'm here? Are you stalking me? Do you know my class schedule? And why is your shirt nearly see through?"

Taehyung tilts his head, hums, staring at the ceiling as if thinking about it, before answering with, "I mean, I don't know if you'd call it stalking but I looked for you on Facebook and found out you're really close with Namjoon hyung who is, coincidentally, my brotha from anotha motha—"

"Yikes." Yoongi says under his breath.

"— and so, I told him the story of how we met, he laughed until he cried, I asked him for your class schedule and he gave it to me without a second's hesitation. Turns out we have a lot of the same break times! Also, I just came from the gym. So. Sorry."

"Traitorous bastard." Yoongi grits his teeth, staring at the wall to avoid staring at his pecs. "See if I ever help him with his Music Theory homework again."

"Anyway, hyung," Taehyung continues, digging through his backpack, before presenting him with, "Leftovers from last night's dinner. You want some kimchi fried rice?"

Yoongi finds himself sitting begrudgingly next to Taehyung, watching the boy rewrite his notes as he devours said boy's lunch. It's terrifyingly delicious. Yoongi thinks he can put up with the invasion of his napping spot if it gets him more food like this.

"Ah~" Taehyung opens his mouth like a baby bird, his eyes not leaving his notebook.

Yoongi, without a hitch, takes a spoonful and feeds him, making the boy hum happily as he chews with his eyes closed, bobbing his head side to side with glee.

"So, I was thinking," Taehyung starts, his cheeks still all puffed up with food, "I think since I know Namjoon hyung, Hoseok hyung and Seokjin hyung,"

Yoongi chokes on his rice, a few grains falling onto Taehyung's notebook. The boy merely brushes it off with the back of his hand. "Wait, you fucking what?"

"And since I heard from Jimin that you know him too,"

Yoongi's eyes widen. "Park Jimin? Small kid that dances?"

Taehyung turns to look at him, giving him a once over. "You're about the same height as him, though?"

"Shut the fuck up. You know Park Jimin?"

"Know him?" Taehyung repeats, looking almost offended, a hand over his heart. "Hyung, he is my soulmate! My best friend for life and after life and whatever comes next!"

Yoongi's eyes are wide and blank as he stares into the abyss. "Right. Sure. That's great."

He used to hook up with Park Jimin. I mean, he'd hooked up with him, like, twice. Last year. They were piss drunk both times. So, they know each other, alright, but they don't exactly talk.

"This is bad." He mumbles, more to himself than to Taehyung, "We have... connections. How the hell do you even know Jin hyung? He graduated last year."

"He used to be the president of my organization! Isn't it great?" Taehyung exclaims, seemingly ignoring his current inner turmoil over this entire situation. "We don't have to do the whole awkward introducing each other's friends thing with each other now, cause we already know each other's friends!"

Taehyung turns to look at him, smiles like the sun and Yoongi just stares at him, floored. "Wh— why would we want to do that?"

Taehyung looks confused. "Because, hyung, it's what people do when they're friends. They introduce their other friends!"

"Friends..." Yoongi repeats to himself, "I don't know what classifies as friends for you, but..."

He drifts off and turns his head to find the boy sulking.

Yoongi flinches. "Hey, don't—"

Taehyung curls into himself, lowering his head. Yoongi's heart clenches. "Why are you—"

Taehyung makes a tiny wounded sound and Yoongi finally stands up, hands on his hips and yells.

"AAAAGH. Stop looking like that just because of something I said! Fine! We're friends! We've eaten together three times now so we're friends!"

Taehyung looks up at him, that rectangular smile back on his face. He giggles. "Heh. You're cute, hyung."

Yoongi huffs, calming himself before sitting back down and grabbing the kimchi fried rice and spoon again.

"You don't know the first thing about me." He says moodily, shoving another spoonful in his mouth.

Taehyung nods, that cheerful grin never fading. "You're right. But I want to! And isn't that what being friends is all about? Anyway, I know enough. You like to nap, this was your secret napping place, you like kimchi fried rice, and you talk in your sleep."

Yoongi pauses, the spoon an inch away from his mouth. He grips it in his hand. "I talk in my sleep?"

Taehyung nods, his attention back on his notes. "Mm. The first time I found you, you were mumbling something about an ice cream truck. So, I thought you were hungry. I didn't have ice cream but I did have the pork bun. If you want ice cream though, we can head out and get some later?"

Yoongi blinks at him, appalled. Huh.

Taehyung scrunches his face up. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Yoongi shakes his head. "Nothing. Let's get ice cream later."

Taehyung's eyes widen, big, shiny and hopeful. "Really?"

It reminded him a little too much of someone else. He gulps. He never could say no to that kid.

He sighs, feeling defeated. "Really."

He doesn't think he'll be able to say no to this one, either.

__

"So, this was an unlikely pair." Seokjin chuckles, motioning to the two in the middle of a squabble. Taehyung's trying to get Yoongi to feed him some of his strawberry ice cream while Yoongi's going on about how they chose their own flavors for a reason and to focus on his own ice cream.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" Yoongi says with a pointed glare, all the while using his hand to push Taehyung away by the forehead.

"I feed you, you know." Taehyung pouts, crossing his arms in front of his chest when Yoongi still refuses to relent. "I gave you a pork bun! Cookies! My kimchi fried rice—"

Yoongi shoves a spoon into Taehyung's mouth before he continues on his petty rampage and successfully shuts him up. He chokes for a full ten seconds before he manages to swallow it. "I almost died, hyung."

"But you didn't." Yoongi retorts, "Eat your ice cream."

Taehyung shrugs and goes back to eating his cookies 'n cream.

"So, Tae," Hoseok leans forward, sipping on his vanilla milkshake, "How exactly did you manage to get this guy to go out for ice cream with everyone?"

"I pouted 'til he said yes." He winks.

"You..." Namjoon drifts off, wide eyes going from Taehyung to Yoongi, back to Taehyung, "Damn, your power."

"Ah, but you underestimate his pouting skills." Jimin points out, smacking his lips, "He managed to get our apartment through pouting at his parents."

Yoongi chokes on his ice cream and stares at the boy beside him, incredulously. "The things your face gets you. So, it wasn't just me who fell victim. The cute privilege is real."

Taehyung winks at him too. Yoongi chokes again.

"This is genuinely the most entertaining thing I've ever seen in my life." Namjoon comments.

Hoseok and Seokjin beside him nod.

"It's like seeing him revert back to his panicked gay, high school self." Seokjin sighs, looking melancholy.

Yoongi glares at the three of them. "How do you all even know each other? How has this not come up? How have I not met this kid before?"

"Stop calling me kid." Taehyung whines, his nose scrunching up. "I am hot and here to woo."

Yoongi chokes for a third time.

"Someone stop him before Yoongi dies." Namjoon says, handing him his water bottle. Yoongi takes it and chugs it down. Jimin puts a hand over Taehyung's mouth and ignores the way Taehyung licks it.

"Jimin and I are in the same dance team," Hoseok starts explaining, "— and Taehyung comes to watch rehearsals sometimes. He picks Jimin up a lot too. We've sort of adopted him. He's kind of like the team puppy."

"Adopted." Jimin chuckles, "That's a good word. That explains Tae and I's friendship in its entirety. I adopted him."

Taehyung wrenches away from Jimin's grasp. "Hey!"

"Tae and I are seatmates in Classic Lit." Namjoon explains before Taehyung can complain, "This kid wriggled his way into my personal space and before I knew it he's tricked me into sharing my fucking airpods with him before class."

"Namjoon hyung makes good music." Taehyung informs the table, as if the table wasn't full of said Namjoon hyung's best friends. "I was shook 'cause when he played some of the songs he made with his old group, I realized I used to listen to them in high school. I think I still follow them on Soundcloud. Which is sad because he tells me they haven't made music together in a long time because things got ugly with them."

The table goes silent. The awkward type of quiet. Both Jimin and Taehyung sense it, glancing around cautiously. Yoongi squirms.

"Oh no." Taehyung says, realizing. "Oh no. You're his group that things got ugly with. What the fuck . How could you never tell me that? How has this not been brought up?"

Hoseok and Seokjin smile at him reassuringly albeit awkwardly. Yoongi doesn't look at him. "Don't worry about it, Tae. We sort of just... lost our touch with music." Hoseok says.

"Lost your touch!" Taehyung repeats, "No way! You guys are so good! You got me through puberty! You inspired me to find my hip hop soul!"

"Ah," Jimin snaps his fingers, head swiveling to look at the four friends, "Holy shit. So, you're BTS?"

Namjoon clears his throat, panicked gaze meeting with everyone else's panicked gazes, seemingly all fixated mostly on Yoongi. Their gazes had weight in them. The kind of weight that's hard to grasp the meaning of.

"Yeah, I remember! You were a little obsessed with them for a while, right?" Jimin says, looking at Taehyung who nods earnestly.

"I know Namjoon hyung's RM which means..." He looks around at the rest of them and they give each other meaningful looks before relenting.

"I was J-Hope." Hoseok admits, scratching the back of his neck, as if a little embarrassed.

Taehyung has literal stars in his eyes and turns to Seokjin. "Are you supposed to be Suga?" He asks, incredulously.

Seokjin sputters as the rest of them laugh. It even manages to get a small chuckle out of Yoongi. "No! I was J! One of the vocalists!"

"Ah," Taehyung nods, understandingly, "That makes more sense." He turns to the one sitting beside him, "So, that means you're either..."

"I'm Suga." He says plainly, eating another spoonful of ice cream. "Yeah. We were BTS."

The rest of them seem to breathe easy at the sound of his voice.

"So," Jimin starts, a little hesitantly, "Who was JK?"

The four friends pause at that, hesitate, the kind of hesitation and distress that you only ever see in people who went through something they really can't talk about.

Their gaze shifts to Yoongi once again. His hands shake slightly and you can barely see it if you don't pay enough attention, but they shake, clench and unclench.

Jimin's about to take back the question, apologize, until Seokjin breaks the silence.

"We're all childhood friends." He explains, soft, a little nervous, glances at Yoongi. "He's not exactly..."

"We don't talk anymore." Yoongi finishes. "That's all."

Taehyung, even being Taehyung, knows when things are getting awkward and knows when there are things that are better left unsaid, at least for the time being, so he takes Yoongi's hand, much to the boy's shock and he smiles.

"Hey, everyone's done with their ice cream, right? You guys wanna go get some drinks? It's a Friday!"

"Jin hyung's paying!" Hoseok announces.

"Says who?" Seokjin huffs, but gets out of his seat anyway, checking his wallet.

"Says us!" echo five different voices.

As they walk, Taehyung's arm stubbornly looped around Yoongi's, their friends walking ahead of them, Yoongi shivers. The weather's been getting cold. The type that bites into your skin and makes your teeth chatter when you speak. It's the type of weather he hated the most. He watches as Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin make conversation with Jimin, who seems to fit right in with them, not a single awkward bone in his body, as he snuggles in the middle of them, trying to keep himself warm.

Yoongi's not sure how he feels about the way he morphs so easily with them, at the way Taehyung's arm in his feels both wrong and right at the same time. Wonders why these two kids have somehow pushed their way into his group of friends, his only group of friends, the only one he's ever had since he was a kid.

A part of him liked it. It felt warm in the cold weather. It tasted like strawberry ice cream and home-cooked meals. But the other part of him, the part of him that always tried to win over any other part, made him feel like he's simply sticking a band-aid over an open wound. Like he's trying to replace something. Someone. It didn't feel right.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Taehyung asks and Yoongi turns to look at him, those earnest eyes. Eyes that reminded him of things he didn't want to be reminded of.

"It's cold." is all Yoongi says. "I don't like it."

Taehyung knows that's not it, but doesn't say anything. Just holds onto Yoongi's arm tighter, then uses both his hands to rub one of Yoongi's to warmth.

"It's autumn. Going into winter."

Yoongi hums. "I know," He sighs, ignoring the blush rising to his cheeks at the contact, "I don't like it."

__

"So, you have a crush on him." Jimin points out, the second they get back to their shared apartment after a few drinks. "Yoongi hyung, I mean."

Taehyung groans, collapsing into their couch, arm over his eyes. "And what about it?"

Jimin chuckles, collapsing next to him, patting his thigh comfortingly. "I mean... He's good in bed, if that's information you'd want to know."

"I really, really did not need to be reminded that you've had sex with him and I haven't." Taehyung whines, lifting his arm up to look at his friend. "But thanks for that information. I'll save it for my spank bank. Would you be willing to get more specific?"

"No." Jimin deadpans. "I mean... maybe if you get me drunk enough."

"Noted." He says, facing the ceiling. "Hey... it was a little weird awhile ago, right?"

Jimin makes a confused noise. "What are you talking about? They were fucking great."

"No, I mean— they are, but..." Taehyung drifts off, sighing, "When we brought up their music. It was weird, right? It wasn't just me picking up on that?"

"Ah." Jimin sinks into the back of the couch, snuggling closer into him. Taehyung indulges his best friend, throwing an arm around him. "Yeah, it was. You think it had something to do with.... that other vocalist? JK, right?"

"JK." Taehyung nods, taken back to his high school years, back when he was sixteen, young and rebellious, his peak of be gay do crime agenda, "He was my favorite member."

Jimin smiles, fond. "You didn't even know what they looked like. You didn't even know their real names."

"I liked his voice." Taehyung says, simple, to the point. "I... felt something from it. Everytime."

Jimin's silent at that, playing with Taehyung's fingers. "You think he had something to do with why they stopped making music?"

Taehyung nods, pursing his lips. "Yeah. Him. Him and Yoongi hyung."

Jimin wants to tell him not to worry about it, not to assume anything, it's not their business. But he looks at his best friend's face and knows he's fixated on this now and there's nothing else he can do when Taehyung's decided on something. Or someone.

That's just who he was. It's what made him Taehyung. Charming, magnetic, stubborn. Kind even to those he didn't really need to be kind to. Cared for those who didn't care about him as much as he cared about them.

"Yeah, I think so too." Jimin admits. "But why does it matter?"

Taehyung shrugs. "It doesn't."

That night, Taehyung lays in his room, airpods in, going through each track on the BTS Soundcloud. The last track was posted three years ago. He was only in high school then. He remembers checking their page, repeatedly, for months on end for anything new. He gave up, eventually. He goes from the earliest one to the last one, just listens, lying in the dark, the way he used to when he was younger.

But it was different now. It's different now because he's older, understands things a little better, listens to music a little harder, knows the brains and the voices behind the music.

And suddenly, four tracks in, out of nowhere, he starts crying. He has a hand on his chest, clutching onto his shirt and there are tears running down his cheeks and he sniffs, wiping them away. He listens to the next and the next and he cries a lot. He'd never cried back then, listening to these. He had no clue, he'd had some of them on his workout playlist, some of them on his studying playlist, some of them he'd just listen to in the shower. It kept him sane. He'd never cried before. It's only now that he cries because he finally realizes what so many of these songs were, as he reads the credits. Written by: SUGA & JK.

They were cries for help.

__

"It's an F minor.... yeah, and then a C minor." Yoongi coaches, his hand softly guiding Jungkook's fingers, "And then a D— no, not like that, you idiot."

Jungkook makes a face at him. "You said you'd be nice to me, you fucking liar. It's been fifteen minutes and you've already insulted me four different times."

"We've been at this for days! I've taught you this before!" Yoongi scolds, exasperated, "Literally yesterday!"

"We can't all be musical geniuses, hyung," Jungkook teases, squishing Yoongi's grumpy face. "I'm terribly sorry your boyfriend only knows how to play the guitar."

Jungkook smiles at him playfully, turning his head to nip at Yoongi's ear and shoulder and Yoongi yelps, shoving Jungkook away. "Ow, stop that, you sex fiend. We're in the sanctity of the studio— Ow!"

Jungkook giggles, nuzzling Yoongi's shoulder with his head. And Yoongi is fond, as he always is, tilting Jungkook's face up with a finger under his chin and kisses him, softly.

"We're done with today's lessons, I'm tired." Yoongi laughs, pressing another kiss to Jungkook's puckered up lips, asking for more.

So he kisses him again, again, again and again. He kisses him on the lips, on both his cheeks, his eyelids, his forehead, rapidly, tenderly, with all the love he can muster. He breathes laughs against his skin.

"Mmmm, more." Jungkook hums, face all scrunched up, his lips pressed together in a small smile.

"Spoiled brat." Yoongi grumbles, pressing one last kiss to the tip of his nose. "Now, stop being a baby and listen to me play, so maybe you learn something."

Jungkook behaves at that and when Yoongi presses his fingers against the keys, playing the first few notes, he feels Jungkook's head rest on his shoulder.

He doesn't play too loud. He plays it like a lullaby, as soft as he can, light and easy on his fingers. Jungkook always liked watching him play. Always asked if he could. Even when they were on the phone, late at night, he'd ask him to, just so he could listen, fall asleep to the sound.

He was the same right now, the top of his head pressing against Yoongi's jaw.

"I love it when you play." Jungkook says, voice soft and sincere. "It comforts me. Feels like...you."

Yoongi hums, questioning. "The piano feels like me?"

Jungkook smiles, eyes closed. "Music feels like you."

And Yoongi pauses at that, fingers hesitating for a moment, before smiling, breathing out a laugh, resuming to his piece.

He remembers back when they were kids, back when Namjoon's family had nothing, before his dad got his shit together, got a job and stopped being a bum. He remembers back when Hoseok's mom had first walked out on their family when he was seven. The way Hoseok had stopped smiling. It took a few years before they got him back, the bright, hopeful kid they knew. He remembers back when Seokjin's parents yelled at each other constantly, when his dad hit him for the first and only time. It was the only time because they got counseling, fixed things, spent the rest of his years doing things right for Seokjin to trust him and forgive him. He did, eventually. Families were never perfect. Some were shit. And then they got over it. Changed.

Jungkook and Yoongi got the particularly bad end of the stick. It was the type that didn't get better, not even with time, no matter how much they hoped and prayed to a God that they stopped believing in when they felt there was no one there listening.

And so, they made music. Music about pain, music about lost childhoods, music about growth and forgiveness, music about finding happiness, music about feeling like you'll never get any of those things. Music about sadness, about emptiness, about youth, about love in the middle of everything.

Love.

He stares at Jungkook's bruises around his wrists. He stares at the cigarette burns on his own arms.

Music about the only good thing in this god forsaken place.

"I guess you're right."

"Music feels like you?" Jungkook asks.

"It feels like you too." Yoongi answers.

__

"Hey, hyung."

Yoongi heaves a heavy sigh. "I'm trying to nap here."

Taehyung stares at Yoongi's back, lying on his side facing the wall. Taehyung had insisted on turning Yoongi's Napping Spot to Taehyung and Yoongi's Napping Spot. He'd had to use extra pouting skills for it but Yoongi had agreed on the condition that Taehyung wouldn't disturb him when he was actually trying to nap. And also if Taehyung would, once a week, bring him kimchi fried rice. Taehyung had been following these rules religiously for the past two weeks, but he was fucking bored. He's done going over his notes and Yoongi's been trying to nap for almost an hour.

Taehyung huffs. "But you've been lying down for so long and you're not even sleeping!"

"Whose fault do you think that is?" Yoongi argues, turning to look at Taehyung over his shoulder with a pointed glare. "You... you breathe too loud!"

"I breathe too loud?" Taehyung repeats, "Now, you're just reaching."

Yoongi sighs, closing his eyes again. "Just let me sleep."

Taehyung purses his lips, scooting closer to the boy. Yoongi doesn't move, simply nuzzles his face into his own hand. Taehyung turns his body to face Yoongi's back properly, chin tucked between his knees. "Hyung."

"God damn it."

"You're not even sleepy." Taehyung points out, tilting his head, staring at the back of his neck. "Why are you trying to sleep?

"I am sleepy." Yoongi argues.

"You're not." Taehyung retorts. "The truth, hyung!"

Yoongi bites his lip, suppresses the urge to say something that'll start a stupid fight. It's happened too many times with Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin. Taehyung wouldn't deserve that. Taehyung had nothing to do with any of it. Taehyung wasn't there.

It was a choice between telling the truth or a lie. Telling him the truth would be too much but telling him a lie didn't feel right. Lying to someone like Taehyung just didn't leave a good taste in his mouth. Instead, he tells him a part of the truth, deciding that's enough.

"I'm trying to get my mind off stupid things." Yoongi says. "So I'm trying to nap. Is that okay?"

"Oh. Well," Taehyung starts, poking Yoongi's shoulder. "Doesn't seem to be working, does it?"

"Not if you keep fucking talking to me, it won't."

"No, I mean, like," Taehyung sighs tiredly, as if explaining something to a child, "You're trying to sleep to get your mind off things but you can't sleep because of the things you can't get your mind off of. It's so counterproductive! You know what you should do instead?"

Yoongi sighs heavily, turning to lay on his back, hands coming up to rub his temples, deciding to indulge him knowing he wouldn't stop talking if he didn't. "What?"

"We should go out." Taehyung suggests.

Yoongi turns and makes a face at him. "Tae, we're in school. We both have class in," he raises his arm to check his watch, "— thirty minutes."

"Then play hooky with me." Taehyung says, poking Yoongi's shoulder again. And again. And again. "It'll be fun. We'll go on an adventure."

"An adventure..." Yoongi repeats with a scoff, unimpressed. "Hey, how old are you?"

"Come on," Taehyung whines, grabbing Yoongi's arm with both hands, shaking him back and forth. "I'm bored and you wanna get your minds off things, right? Let's do it!"

Yoongi grimaces. "Tell me your plan first. Where the hell do you plan on taking me?"

"I don't know!" Taehyung says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, "That's the point! It's an adventure! We'll go wherever our feet take us!"

Yoongi gawks at him. "Yeah, haha, no."

"But hyung—"

"No, you're gonna get us into trouble and I shouldn't be missing my next class. I already cut it twice this semester." Yoongi says, with a tone of finality.

Taehyung sulks.

Yoongi sputters. "Hey, no, stop—"

He sulks further, jutting his bottom lip out.

__

They walk for almost an hour in the freezing cold. Yoongi can't feel his dick.

"Kim Taehyung, I swear to fucking god, this better be worth it." Yoongi manages to grit out through all the teeth chattering, "My legs hurt, my entire body is numb and I don't know where the hell you're taking me."

"Almost there, hyung!" Taehyung says cheerily, turning back to look at Yoongi with his ever blinding smile. "I'm taking you... to my secret hideout. Here we are!"

Yoongi looks up and follows Taehyung's gaze. He's met with the view of a tall, wire fence.

"Uh." Yoongi starts, "What do you mean we're... here."

"It's in there!" Taehyung says, pointing at the abandoned train station right behind the wire fence. Did he mention that it's tall?

Yoongi gulps. He has a terrible feeling about this.

"So," Taehyung claps, turning to Yoongi, "Would you rather I go first so I can be there to help you down or you go first and I push you up?"

"Is this even legal?" Yoongi squeaks, panicking a little. "Taehyung, I am not doing this."

"But we got this far!" Taehyung exclaims, raising his arms, motioning to the 'secret hideout.' "We walked for an hour!"

"Is this even allowed? Why is this your secret hideout? One of us is gonna get injured and it's probably going to be me!" Yoongi says, crossing his arms. "No way. No, come on, let's just... go get some food."

Taehyung sighs, dramatically. "I took you here... to show you my secret hideout... you know , this.. really personal place that's meant a lot to me since I was a kid."

Yoongi's eyes widen, knowing where this is going. "Don't. Taehyung. Stop it."

"I just, you know," He continues, eyes downcast, staring at his hands, putting his two pointer fingers together, revealing his sweater paws, "Wanted to show you my secret hideout since I've invaded yours."

Yoongi feels his resolve shaking.

Taehyung looks up at him with his shiny, puppy dog eyes.

"That's right, hyung, you're doing great!" Taehyung cheers, waiting for Yoongi on the other side with his hands up in the air.

"I'm going to fucking kill you." Yoongi huffs, letting go of the fence and near jumping into Taehyung's waiting arms. They both stumble, but Taehyung's strong . Yoongi feels it for the first time, hands reflexively squeezing his biceps and Yoongi thinks, oh god, as Taehyung has his arms wrapped around him, Yoongi's legs circled around his waist.

Taehyung pulls back a little to look Yoongi in the eye with an amused and knowing smirk. The contrast it makes with his usual Happy Rectangle Smile has Yoongi almost half hard in his jeans. He scrambles off him, making Taehyung laugh.

"You good, hyung?" He asks, tilting his head playfully.

Yoongi bends forward, hands on his knees and tries to catch his breath. "M'tired. Fuck you. It's hot in here. Aren't you hot?"

Taehyung blinks. "Hyung, we're outdoors. It's freezing. Just awhile ago, you were saying that your ass was numb—"

"Let's just go, where the hell is your hideout?" Yoongi grumbles, marching forward, refusing eye contact.

Taehyung skips after him, throwing an arm around his small frame. "Just keep walking straight, hyung! We'll get there soon!"

Yoongi scans their surroundings, noting that it really was abandoned and a little terrifying to be in now that the sun was starting to set. "How long has this place been your hideout?"

"Since high school." Taehyung answers easily, pointing his finger towards a vague direction, "My old home is somewhere nearby. I used to live with my aunt and uncle. High school kind of sucked for me, so I was here a lot with Jimin. It's been abandoned for as long as I can remember."

Yoongi wonders for a moment why high school sucked for him, but then again, he wonders if it didn't suck for anyone. "Are we even allowed here?"

"Probably not." Taehyung shrugs, nonchalantly. "But hey, I'm not in jail yet, aren't I?"

They continue walking in silence after that, nothing but the sound of gravel and pebbles, their tired breaths coming out as white puffs of air, Taehyung's arm heavy around his shoulders, but keeping him warm, grounding him.

"We're here." Taehyung announces with a relieved sigh when they find themselves standing in front of a dirty blue shipping container. Yoongi blinks at it.

"Huh."

"Oh no, no, wait," Taehyung says, raising a finger at him, as if to shut him up from any further reactions. "Look at this!"

Taehyung runs forward, grabbing onto the handles and with a loud groan, he drags the shipping container door open and reveals... an entire clubhouse.

He sees that there's a rug, a bunch of comic books stacked on top of each other, a bunch of toys, racing cars and action figures, a plastic container of what seemed to be spare clothes, a worn out bean bag chair and an entire mattress without any bedding.

"Holy shit." Yoongi breathes out as Taehyung easily jumps into it, shooting Yoongi a look and offering his hand.

Yoongi takes it and jumps into the shipping container following after him, marveling at the sight from inside. It smelled like dust and he thinks to himself that if Jungkook were here, his rhinitis would act up. But it's impressive. For a kid's secret hideout, it's impressive.

"Nice, right?" Taehyung says and Yoongi can hear his smile even without looking at him. "We didn't plan for it to look like this. I guess stuff just piled up over the years."

Yoongi runs his fingers over the stack of what seemed to be a collection of Slam Dunk. "Are these yours?"

"Hmm?" Taehyung hums, making his way to Yoongi, standing behind him and resting his chin on his shoulder. Yoongi tenses.

"Ah, yeah." Taehyung breathes out a laugh and it tickles Yoongi's ear. He resists the urge to flinch and scare Taehyung away from his shoulder, as he tries to figure out whether the feeling in his stomach right now is bad or good.

"God, it's been years since I've been here," He sighs, at the same time pulling away from Yoongi. Yoongi thinks that the feeling in his stomach feels an awful lot like disappointment. "Last time was probably... three? Four years ago? I can't believe everything's still... here."

Yoongi hums. He checks his hand and finds dust on his fingertips. "Dirty, though."

"Yeah," Taehyung says, eyes trailing along every corner of the shipping container with a nostalgic look on his face. Yoongi can guess how he must feel. "Don't think we should stay in here, we might start sneezing. Wanna go up?" He asks, pointing to the roof with his finger.

Yoongi raises his eyebrows. "Up?"

Taehyung points outside, motioning for Yoongi to follow him and he does. They stop at the opened door and it's the first time Yoongi notices the ladder attached to the side, leading to the roof. "Ah."

The boy instantly swings to the side, clutching onto the ladder and makes his way up with practiced ease.

Yoongi pokes his head out, looks up, and sees Taehyung standing with both arms wide open, his face pointed towards the sky. The sun is setting behind him and it's something out of an indie movie.

Something inside him stirs.

After a second though, Taehyung shivers, wrapping his arms around himself. "Fucking forgot how cold it is," He chuckles to himself, turning to look at Yoongi, "You coming?"

It's fucking freezing. Yoongi's tired and he knows his legs are gonna be sore tomorrow and he has a bunch of unread texts from Hoseok about how much he missed in class and asking where the fuck he is. He should probably head home. He should probably do some school work. His nose itches too. But.

Yoongi grabs onto the ladder, takes a step. "I'm fucking coming."

__

They sit side by side, legs swinging over the edge, slightly shivering but bearing with it for the sake of the pretty view of the sunset. It's quiet around them, the sounds of the city more distant than usual, the crickets louder than anything else. A particularly strong gust of wind nearly knocks them over and the cold bites their skin. Yoongi hears Taehyung shiver.

Suddenly, the boy shifts in his position and brings out something from his pocket. Yoongi turns and sees him bring out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one out with his teeth and raises it to Yoongi, offering it to him with the noise of a question.

Yoongi blinks at him. "You don't look like someone who smokes."

Taehyung shrugs. "I only do it once in a while. When it's too cold." He notices that Yoongi doesn't take the offer. "You don't?"

"I used to." Yoongi says, looking away, stares at the sky changing hues. "I quit, though."

Taehyung pauses. "Well," He says, taking the cigarette out of his mouth, "I won't, then."

"Hey, no, it's fine." Yoongi says, shoving him on the arm. "It's been awhile since I've quit, it doesn't bother me."

"I don't like smoking around non-smokers." is Taehyung's simple answer, tucking his pack back into his pocket. "It's hard to quit once you start, though. Were you a heavy smoker?"

"Kind of, yeah." Yoongi sighs, leaning back, supporting himself with his arms. "And it was hard. Really hard. Took awhile."

Taehyung hums, mimicking Yoongi's position, leaning back as well. "What made you finally manage to do it?"

Yoongi seems to think about that, for a moment. Almost like he's not sure either, how exactly he did it. Or maybe there's too many reasons why he did it. Or maybe just one, but he's not sure if he can say it. Taehyung can't tell. But he can tell there's something at the tip of his tongue, maybe a name, but he doesn't say it. Instead he says,

"Something happened." Simple, straight to the point, probably honest... but vague. The way he usually answers. "And it made me stop."

"Something?" Taehyung repeats, softly.

"Something." He nods.

Taehyung doesn't push and Yoongi's glad he doesn't.

They sit there, quietly, as the sky starts to turn grey. Yoongi tries to remember if he and the others had a hideout when they were young, this kind of place, like a form of escape and realized they didn't, really. They always alternated houses, either Namjoon's, Hoseok's or Seokjin's, sometimes they hung out near the Han River, sometimes at that old playground. When they made music, sometimes they used the school music room, sometimes their local music store, other times they used Namjoon's basement turned music studio, and a few times, they were able to book one themselves.

Maybe music was their hideout. Maybe being together was their escape in itself.

He turns to Taehyung, realizes the boy was always the one asking questions about him, Yoongi never having asked anything much in return.

"Why'd this become your hideout?" He decides to ask, turning to face Taehyung.

He looked golden even under a grey sky. Is that any fucking fair? He wonders if he looks golden. Probably not. He probably looked like a gremlin.

"Jimin and I used to walk along these streets a lot when we were younger." Taehyung explains and Yoongi realizes that he never hesitates before answering any questions about himself, like an open book. "We found it one day and ended up coming here every time we felt like shit. We had a code, you know? The whole 'Code Red: SH NOW' shebang. Middle school and high school wasn't easy for me."

"Never is." Yoongi hums.

"Especially when you're gay."

Oh. Confirmed.

"Ah." is all Yoongi manages to say.

Taehyung turns, looks at him. Yoongi doesn't look back. "Are you okay? You bothered?"

Not in the way he thinks, Yoongi thinks to himself. But he instantly shakes his head, turns to meet his eyes, just to reassure. "What? No. Not at all."

Taehyung waits for a moment, keeps staring, as if waiting for Yoongi to say more, but he doesn't. Taehyung sighs then, sounding disappointed for a reason Yoongi doesn't understand. "I see."

"See what?"

Taehyung shakes his head. "Nothing."

It's quiet again and a bird flies over their heads, getting terrifyingly close, making them both shriek. "Jesus!"

"Holy fuck." Yoongi gasps, clutching his chest. "Fuck, I really thought I was gonna die, just now."

They start laughing, laughing a lot and suddenly they start talking, non-stop, for the next two hours. Yoongi almost forgot it was possible to talk to someone for two hours straight and not get tired. It's been awhile since he's felt it, since he's had it.

They talk about lots of things, not everything, not even half of the things his friends tell him he should talk about, but a lot of things. They talk about pets, about the cat cafe that just opened near their university, about that hot young professor who just started last semester, about some new guy Jimin was seeing, about Seokjin's long-term girlfriend, they talked about everything but themselves.

It was strange. It felt like putting a limit to how comfortable they were allowed to get. It's Taehyung who tries to break it.

"Hyung," He asks, just when they're starting to quiet down again, "Can I ask you something?"

Yoongi scoffs. "When has me saying no ever stopped you? You'll ask anyway."

Taehyung pauses. Looks at him. "It'll stop me now."

Yoongi turns to look at him too, scans his expression, realizes he's being sincere. He's probably gonna ask the kind of question he's not gonna want to answer. He should probably say no.

He licks his lips. "Ask me."

"Why'd you stop making music?"

He almost scoffs.

Why'd you stop making music, huh.

Right next to 'What happened to Jungkook?' that was probably the question he'd gotten asked the most after everything. Why'd he stop? Everytime people asked him that, it felt cruel. It felt like they were being cruel but Yoongi realizes that they don't even realize they're being cruel and he's not allowed to hold it against them. But it feels cruel anyway.

Because he doesn't know. He doesn't fucking know, that's the problem. He's tried, over and over again, countless times, over the past three years. He's tried because it's the only thing he knows how to do, the only thing he's ever done to get through anything, the only thing he knows he's good at, the only thing that makes any of it go away.

It's ironic. It's frustrating. It makes him angry. He'd gotten into fights with everyone over it. At one point, he'd punched Namjoon in the face and they'd knocked over a bookshelf. At one point, he'd accidentally yelled at Hoseok in a burger joint. At one point, Seokjin had punched him in the face and had to be held back by the other two. Why'd he stop making music?

That's the problem. He doesn't know. It's not that he doesn't, it's that he can't.

He looks at the boy next to him, eyes always so clear and sincere, in a way that makes your chest physically hurt. And Yoongi, from the beginning, could never find it in him to turn him away, say no, lie . He's not sure if it's because his eyes remind him too much of Jungkook. Or maybe it's just him, how he is, who he is.

And it's this same question again, tell the truth or lie. Tell the truth or lie. The truth is something Taehyung wouldn't understand. Something Yoongi wouldn't want him to need to understand, because he doesn't understand it himself. Like a burden he didn't choose to carry, like a weight that never goes away, a kind of torture he wouldn't wish on anyone else. But a lie is something he can't give, not to Taehyung, for a reason he's yet to understand.

"Because it hurts." is what he ends up saying, voice croaky and shaky, even when he didn't mean for it to be.

The truth. A part of it.

Taehyung is silent, letting that answer sink in, nods slowly, before looking at Yoongi again. Yoongi can't find it in him to meet his eyes this time.

"But doesn't it hurt more," Taehyung starts, "— without it?"

Yoongi feels a weird lump in his throat and he pushes it back, takes a deep breath, then another, then another. He feels a hand, warm on his back, rubbing in comforting circles. He doesn't move away from it. He finds he doesn't mind.

"I'm not without it." He finally says, after gathering himself, "I still love music. I just can't stand my own right now. Haven't been able to for a while. That's all it is."

Taehyung nods, pulling his hand away from Yoongi's back. He feels the loss of warmth.

"I listened to your Soundcloud again a few weeks ago."

Yoongi's breath hitches.

"I cried." Taehyung says, a laugh in his voice. "I don't know... I think I just... felt something. It was indescribable."

Yoongi wants to tell him to stop talking, but he can't bring himself to. He just listens, forces himself to.

"I won't ask any more questions, hyung." Taehyung says, voice soft and understanding. "But I hope you go back to music one day. I hope whatever happened... doesn't hurt you anymore."

Yoongi knows he's probably going to start crying if this goes on for any longer, but he can't stop himself.

He was different from him , in lots of ways, in almost every way, but made Yoongi feel something so painfully familiar. It was the same right now. The feeling of wanting to pull away but not being able to. "What was your favorite song?"

And Taehyung being Taehyung, always defying people's expectations, especially Yoongi's, he starts humming. Just humming.

A song that he'd written about five years ago now. He was humming the chorus. Jungkook's part.

It sounded different, didn't feel like Jungkook at all, not even a little bit. His tone was lower, less breathy, voice slightly husky, his vibrato more prominent. His voice didn't sound sad or pained, the way Jungkook's did when he sang the song.

Taehyung sounded... peaceful. That was the word. Peaceful.

And Yoongi thinks, oh god. It doesn't sound like Jungkook. But he knows this feeling. He remembers this feeling. And it scares him.

When Taehyung stops humming, he turns to look at him and his eyes widen. Yoongi doesn't realize he's crying until Taehyung reaches out and wipes a tear away with his thumb.

"Oh, Jesus." Yoongi breathes out, swiping his face with the sleeve of his jacket. "What the fuck. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry, hyung," Taehyung reassures, voice soft, apologetic. "Was that too much? Should I not have—"

"No." Yoongi cuts him off, instantly. "No, that was... I'm really glad you did that. You were just humming but I could tell... you have an amazing voice."

"Then why are you crying?" Taehyung asks, reaching out for Yoongi's hands to stop him from rubbing his eyes too hard.

"I'm crying because you were so good." Yoongi sniffs, finally getting a hold of himself. "You wouldn't get it. I'm okay now."

They're quiet again, the sky having gone from grey to completely dark. But a lot of stars were out. There weren't a lot of clouds covering the night sky like usual. And it'd gone from freezing cold to I-cannot-feel-my-entire-body weather and they have class the next day, but Yoongi's face is all puffy, and Taehyung doesn't fucking like it so he decides there's one last thing they need to do.

"Hey, hyung." Taehyung starts, "You have a lot on your mind, right?"

Yoongi groans. "I'm not gonna talk about it, Tae, I'm tired."

"I'm not asking you to." Taehyung assures, smiling, before getting up on his feet. He offers his hand and Yoongi stares at it for a second, before grabbing it and letting Taehyung hoist him up.

"Are we going now?" Yoongi asks, both dreading it and praying for it.

"Almost." Taehyung says, "Just one last thing. We're in an abandoned train station, right? On top of a shipping container, no people, quiet as hell that it's kind of terrifying?"

"Okay, thanks for the information, Captain Obvious, but I'm worried about what you're about to make me do right—"

Taehyung takes a deep breath, cups his mouth with both hands and starts yelling from the top of his lungs. "I'm failing Biology!"

Yoongi flinches, taking a step back. "What the fuck are you—"

"I hate Math! That new professor is so hot and I'm upset he isn't a student! I haven't had sex in 6 months and I'm dying out here!"

Yoongi's eyes widen. "Taehyu—"

"I just wanna graduate already! I wanna get a good job so I can take care of my parents! I wanna make my mom proud! I wanna get out of this hellhole and move somewhere far away in a mansion with ten dogs!"

Yoongi finds himself smiling and Taehyung turns to look at him, breathless, bright, shining. "You do it too, hyung."

Yoongi freezes. "What? No, I'm good—"

"Hyung, come on." Taehyung says, grabbing Yoongi's hand and squeezing it, reassuring him, "You said you had a lot on your mind, right? You said you don't wanna talk about it, but if you want it off your mind, you need somewhere else to put it. So," Taehyung motions to the sky, "— yell it out."

Yoongi gulps at the feeling of Taehyung's strong grip on his hand, firm but comforting. Warm. Always so fucking warm. Comfortable even when it shouldn't be.

Yell, but he doesn't even know what to yell.

Where the hell does he begin? Please let me make more music, please make life more bearable, please let me pass my English class, I want to make music again, I want to not be in pain all the time, I want my friends to be happy, I want to be happy, I want to get out of my own god damn head, I want a restart, I want a do over, I want Jungkook back, bring him back, please, I just need to tell him something.

Where the hell does he begin? He doesn't know which of those to yell, if those are the things he should be yelling about. So, he doesn't yell any of those things.

Instead, he takes a deep breath, his hold on Taehyung still tight, he leans forward and just screams.

And Taehyung listens, holds his breath, with a death grip on Yoongi's hand. He listens and the sound is low and hoarse and painful. Gut-wrenching.

He screams for a long time and Taehyung watches as his face turns red and the veins in his neck look like they're about to pop out, his eyes squeezed close, but Taehyung just lets him scream, keeps his hand in his and lets him scream until he runs out of breath.

When he's done, he stumbles and tries to steady himself with Taehyung's help. He's breathing hard, as if he'd run an entire marathon, eyes wild and a little crazy. He turns to look at Taehyung, catches his breath and then slowly, really slowly, he smiles. And it's the kind of smile that looks like he's holding back a laugh.

They wait for someone to yell at them, tell them to shut up, get down, but it never comes. Nothing but the sound of crickets, the distant city noises and Yoongi trying to hold back a laugh.

And Taehyung smiles back, realizes there's something bubbling up his throat and he opens his mouth and starts giggling. Yoongi follows then, bursting out in laughter and there they are, two people in the dark freezing night, laughing like crazy people, hand in hand on top of a shipping container in an abandoned train station.

When they're both done, wiping their stray tears out of the corner of their eyes, they look at each other. The kind that didn't need words.

Taehyung squeezes his hand. "You feel better?"

Against his better judgement, Yoongi squeezes back and realizes he isn't even lying when he answers, "Yeah. Thanks."

"You wanna get an Uber back?" Taehyung asks, as they make their way back to the infamous wire fence.

Yoongi pauses. Shakes his head no. "Let's walk."

Taehyung smiles. "Okay."

The walk back is more quiet than the first, their hands brushing against each other, shoulders touching.

The silence is comfortable, though, like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. Not all of it, but some of it, at least. That meant something. That counted for something. Yoongi tries to think of ways to thank the other, in a way that wasn't too obvious. Buy him ice cream? Bring him food during one of their stairwell breaks? Should he just text him later? None of that felt right. Maybe he should just—

"Hyung?"

"Yeah?"

Should he draft a thank you letter when he gets home? Maybe he should ask Namjoon—

"I like you."

A pause. They both stop walking. Yoongi stops breathing.

"I like you." Taehyung repeats, facing him, the smile on his face not wavering for even a second. "I mean, you know I've been flirting since the second we met but I... I was just messing around then and I mean it now. I like you. I don't need you to say anything back and I'm not pressuring you to... decide anything. I just wanted you to know. I like you."

Yoongi's vision blurs.

"Is that okay?" Taehyung asks.

Yoongi gulps. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Thinks. His brain isn't working. Neither is his mouth.

He thinks, Taehyung's great, he's gorgeous, kind, warm, he's your friend, he's bright, glowing, always, he'd be good for you.

He thinks, Jungkook. What about Jungkook?

"Hyung?" Taehyung calls out, sounding worried. "Are you okay?"

Yoongi nods. "Okay."

"Okay?" Taehyung asks, sounding hopeful.

Yoongi takes a deep breath. Nods. "Okay."

And Taehyung, despite having confessed and only being answered with a single word, he smiles like that's not what just happened.

"That's all I need, hyung." He says, bright as always, throwing an arm around Yoongi.

They keep walking and Yoongi just keeps thinking, Taehyung's warm. He's warm and comfortable and here . But what about Jungkook?

__

Taehyung's walk back to his apartment is a blur.

He's not sure what he just did and why he just did it. They'd gotten to Yoongi's apartment first and despite the fact that Taehyung's so in shock that he's kind of lost his hearing, he manages to smile, give him a hug and wave goodbye, watches as he walks into his building.

It's weird. He's walking but it doesn't feel like he is.

I mean, listen. Here's the thing. It's what he was known for. He didn't fall often, not for a lot of people, but when he did, he fell fast. He was known for being honest, straightforward, never beating around the bush about what he wanted, how he felt. If it was sex that he wanted, he'd let them know. If a relationship was what he wanted, he'd let them know. And he'd respect whatever they wanted, whether it was the same thing or not. He'd always been that way. People loved that about him. It always freaked them out a little bit, but never too much. How could you hate someone for being honest about themselves, you know?

But listen, here's the thing. They'd only known each other for a total of three weeks. It's not even like they'd talked every single day. Hell, even when they're together in their god damn stairwell they barely talked. The first time they'd ever really talked, like actually talked, was literally just a while ago and then he went and did that .

Oh god, no. He's become one of those movie cliches. Like, show him the slightest bit of interest and openness and suddenly he's head over heels. God, no. That's not him. Right?

Taehyung doesn't realize he's home until he's turning his key and the door swings open and he's met with Jimin staring at him, halfway out their kitchen with a cereal bowl in his hand.

Jimin examines him and his face scrunches up, turning into an expression of concern. "What the fuck. Why do you look like you just caught your parents fucking? Are you okay?"

Taehyung closes the door behind him, leans against it for a second, catches his breath. Takes a real moment to hate himself and tell himself, bro, what the absolute fuck. You're young, wild and free, but don't be that young, wild and free. And then he slowly walks towards his best friend, eyes blank, likened to a zombie.

Jimin blinks rapidly, looking around him, slowly stepping backwards the more Taehyung makes his way forward. "Dude, you're... you're really freaking me out right now."

When Taehyung's standing right in front of him, he cups Jimin's face in his hands, squishes his cheeks and Jimin's lips make a small poot sound and his eyes widen.

"Jimin."

"What?" Jimin asks, a little frantic. "What are you doing—"

"Jimin, I did something really fucking stupid. Please don't judge me." Taehyung says, with a deadpan expression, pressing Jimin's cheeks together even harder.

Jimin makes a small noise of discomfort. "This is starting to hurt. What the hell did you do? Why weren't you in class a while ago?"

"I played hooky with Yoongi hyung and brought him to our secret hideout and professed my undying love for him."

A beat of silence.

Two beats of silence.

"Jimin?"

"What the fuck." He whispers, gently lowering Taehyung's hands from his face, eyeing Taehyung meaningfully. "What... the fuck. "

"Now," Taehyung says urgently, raising his hands in front of him in a form of self defense, "Before you go off on me,"

"Taehyung." Jimin cuts him off, voice sharp, putting his hands together in front of him, pressing them against his lips in some form of prayer, "You have known Yoongi hyung a total of three weeks."

"I know." He nods.

"What exactly did you tell him?" Jimin asks, closing his eyes, "Please, please tell me you didn't actually say the L word. I do not want him to go off running. He's my friend too."

"No!" Taehyung yells, holding Jimin by the shoulders, "No, I swear I didn't. I used the other L word."

Jimin tilts his head. "Lesbian?"

"Like."

"Ah. Well. That's not... that bad?" Jimin says, except it sounds like it's in the form of a question rather than a form of reassurance. "How'd he take it?"

"He just said okay and didn't talk for the rest of the walk." Taehyung answers, a small wince on his face. "That's not that bad... right?"

"Holy shit." Jimin breathes out. "Wow, that's terrible."

"It is terrible." Taehyung relents with a whine, collapsing into the couch. "Oh god."

Jimin sighs, taking in the sight of his lump of a best friend and decides to be the more sympathetic version of himself that Taehyung probably needs. "You... What made you do it?"

Taehyung inhales, runs a hand through his hair, exhales deeply. "Because I felt something. We talked. For two hours straight about a lot of things, you know? A bunch of small things that turned into two hours. And there's this weird feeling I get with him, whenever he talks to me."

Jimin makes himself comfortable next to him, decides his cereal can wait for a bit. "What feeling?"

"Like..." Taehyung licks his lips, closes his eyes, "— there's something he wants to say but he won't let himself." He shakes his head, as if frustrated, with Yoongi, with his thoughts, he doesn't know. "I don't know what exactly it is. But it's there."

Jimin stares at his side profile, expression soft and understanding. "He's different with you, huh?"

Taehyung's eyes open, moves to look at his friend, nods gently. "He is. I don't know why."

Jimin nods back, leans his head back on the couch, facing the ceiling. "Maybe... do you think he might feel the same way?"

Taehyung shakes his head. "I don't know about that, but... he's drawn to me, I think. I feel it."

"Everyone's drawn to you, Tae." Jimin chuckles lightly, "It's sort of your whole thing."

"No, it's..." Taehyung pauses, drifting off, "It's like... It's something else. It's different. It's not for the reason it usually is, for everyone else. It feels different. It feels... sad."

Jimin's silent at that, thinks about it for a few minutes and Taehyung knows he is so he doesn't say anything more. He waits.

And then Jimin asks, again, "You think he likes you?"

Taehyung purses his lips, throws an arm over his eyes and groans.

Jimin laughs, patting Taehyung's stomach comfortingly.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out, a small smile playing on his lips, but a sad one. "I think... I think he's drawn to me because of something else."

"Hmm?" Jimin hums, raising his eyebrows.

"He's drawn to me because of something else." Taehyung repeats, "But it's also because of that something else that he doesn't do anything about it. Does that make sense?"

Jimin lets that marinate, thinks about it again and then understands, nods, takes Taehyung's hand in his and squeezes lightly. Taehyung squeezes back and they let go and turn on the TV.

Neither of them say what's in their heads, but they know what they're both thinking anyway.

Someone else.

__

"Anyway, I was saying, the ice cream truck." Jungkook goes on, waving his hands animatedly, "So, that got me thinking, do you think we get reincarnated when we die?"

Yoongi holds back a laugh. "This is what you're thinking about? Right now? The sun isn't up. It's four in the morning. We just had two entire rounds of sex. And you're thinking about reincarnation."

"Is it the Christians who believe in it?" Jungkook thinks out loud, his eyebrows bunching together in thought, "Or like... was it not them?"

Yoongi actually laughs this time, reaching out and pulling Jungkook into his arms. "You're an idiot."

Jungkook pouts. "No, but really, do you believe in that? That we turn into something else when we die? Or... mayhaps, someone else?"

"Well," Yoongi starts, running his fingers up and down Jungkook's back, traces the scars, "Whoever past me was must be disappointed that he got reincarnated into my life, huh?"

"Damn." Jungkook breathes out, pressing his cheek against Yoongi's shoulder. "I'm sorry, whoever I was in my past life. You don't deserve this."

"Hmm," Yoongi hums, pressing his cheek against the top of Jungkook's head, "But you believed your mom turned into ice cream truck music?"

Jungkook snorts. "Okay, well, maybe that was a reach. But I do think we could turn into objects, you know? Or animals! Like, imagine being a jellyfish or something. I'm sure it'd be a lot less stressful than being a human. That'd be the life. No brain, no bones, just squish. What would you wanna be, hyung?"

"Hyung?"

"Hyung?" Namjoon calls out, shaking his shoulder. "You okay?"

His eyes wrench open and he sits up, searching his surroundings in a panic.

The arm on his shoulder feels stable, familiar, but not Jungkook. He remembers again. Ah.

He turns to look at his friend and sees an expression of understanding, always so perceptive.

"Same dream?" He asks.

Yoongi sighs, closing his notebook. He'd fallen asleep again after another attempt at trying to write some lyrics. He couldn't write a single word. Not even one.

"It's weird, you know? These days, it's always the same one. It's not even a dream, it's a memory."

Namjoon purses his lips, worried. "A bad one?"

Yoongi shakes his head. "A normal one. It was a normal night. I don't know why I keep dreaming of it."

Namjoon looks down and sees the notebook sitting on Yoongi's desk, can't help the small smile that forms, just proud of the fact that he's still trying, no matter how painful it must be. "It'll come back to you, hyung."

Yoongi twirls the pen between his fingers. "Sure doesn't feel like it."

Namjoon reaches out, rests a hand on his shoulder, squeezes. "What's making you go crazy about this again? Got inspiration?"

Yoongi leans back against his chair, tilts his head to the side. "I don't know." He says, meaning it. "I don't know either what it is."

He wonders how he can spend the whole night thinking about Taehyung and still dream about Jungkook, wonders if it's a sign that he hasn't moved on, that he shouldn't do anything, he should just reject him straight up. He wonders if it's Jungkook from somewhere, telling him not to let go of him, not now, not ever. Or he wonders if it's just him. Reminding himself of what he had, why he can't allow himself to be with someone again. Why he doesn't deserve it. Not after everything.

__

They're together in their shared stairwell still, at least twice a week. Sometimes, thrice. Taehyung still brings him food, but sometimes Yoongi brings him some, too. Taehyung lets him nap these days, stays silent whenever Yoongi lays on his side and faces the wall. He never asks him to go out again, for ice cream or to go on an adventure. They never go out again, just the two of them, only ever with the rest of their friends. He thinks, maybe it's Taehyung's way of giving him some sense of space. A boundary of some sort. Yoongi's not sure how he feels about it.

It's only here, in their Napping Spot, that they get time for just the two of them. After what happened, it should be awkward. The air should be tense. It isn't. It's still comfortable. Still warm as ever.

Yoongi thinks about it, every night, thinks Taehyung deserves more than a one word answer to his confession. He hasn't told the others. Not Seokjin, not Hoseok, not even Namjoon. He's not sure if Jimin knows, but the way he looks at him these days, it feels like he knows at least something.

Yoongi thinks about it all the time, what he should say, how he feels, but he can't come to a conclusion. He doesn't want to give Taehyung a half-hearted answer. How can he give an answer that he doesn't understand himself?

He almost expects Taehyung to change. To start being different around him, act the way people usually act when they'd just confessed their feelings and haven't gotten an answer yet. It's always either getting embarrassed and avoiding them like the plague or doing more things to get them to reciprocate, make it more obvious, show more affection.

Taehyung does none of those things. In fact, he never brings it up again. Two days after their adventure, with Yoongi's heart beating out of his chest, he gets to the stairwell, sees Taehyung and the boy simply smiles at him, the way he always has, raises up a container of kimchi fried rice, says, "This one has cheese."

That was the Taehyung way of saying, I still want us to be friends, regardless of how you feel.

He feels sorry. Taehyung doesn't know about anything, doesn't know about Jungkook, he wasn't there. Yet, he still understands. Yoongi doesn't think he deserves it. He feels even more fucking terrible 'cause he can't even find it in himself to keep away from the boy, even if he knows he probably should.

They go back to normal, like nothing happened. Yoongi doesn't know if that's the right direction for them to go, but feels like he might need it. The normalcy. More time just doing this, more time so he can figure out if how he feels is what it is or what he just thinks it is.

Taehyung seems to understand. He doesn't say it out loud but he can tell, through his eyes, Taehyung's telling him, take your time.

Yoongi leans against the railing, his legs stretched out in front of him, fiddling with his phone, scrolling through Twitter. Seokjin just tweeted a picture of him and Mina. Ah. Five year anniversary. He smiles to himself. Good for them.

He raises his eyes and in front of him, Taehyung mirrors his position, back against the wall, the bottoms of his shoes nearly touching his own. He's munching on a sandwich with no crust and reading through a comic book.

He notices Yoongi's eyes on him, looks up, "Hmm? You're staring at me."

Yoongi hurriedly turns his eyes back to his phone. "Sorry."

He doesn't see it, but he feels Taehyung smiling at him, fond, as it always is. Taehyung turns his head, looks towards the door, stares out the screen window. He snorts. "Do you notice the people looking at us when they pass by?"

Yoongi makes a confused face. "People look at us?" He puts down his phone, "I didn't think people knew about this place."

"Hyung, it's the fucking fire escape, of course they know about this place. It's just that people aren't allowed here." Taehyung laughs. "I don't know. I think someone found out we stay here a lot. Word has kinda spread."

Yoongi furrows his brows, puzzled why people would even care. "How do you know that?"

Taehyung shrugs. "Some people have asked me about it. Like... why we're suddenly close."

Yoongi grimaces. "Huh?"

"You do know you're kinda popular around here, right?" Taehyung smirks, slightly. Yoongi hates that fucking smirk. It makes his dick twitch, a little. "And I am too. Not to toot my own horn or anything. It's just 'cause of my charm and good looks. So... people are curious."

"Me? Popular?" Yoongi scoffs, grabbing his bottled water next to him, uncapping it, "I get you, but... Why the fuck would I be?"

"Cause you're hot, hyung." Taehyung says, plainly. Yoongi nearly spits his water out. "And not to offend you or anything, but you kind of have a reputation for sleeping around but never really being interested in anyone even when they're interested in you."

"Oh, god." Yoongi groans, "I'm a leading man in a Korean drama stereotype."

Taehyung chuckles at that, lightly kicking Yoongi's foot with his own.

"Does it bother you?" He asks, voice softer this time, "That people... think those things about us? I can stop coming here, if it does."

Yoongi kicks Taehyung's foot back, a little harder.

"No. Don't do that. It doesn't bother me." He answers easily, turning his attention back to his phone, "It doesn't matter what they think. People make shit up about everyone all the time."

Taehyung's not sure if he feels good or bad over the fact that Yoongi doesn't seem to care about what people think about them. So, he turns his attention back to his comic book.

An hour later in class, Taehyung takes pictures of the notes on the board, too lazy to jot anything down today, when his seat mate pokes him on the arm. Taehyung turns to him, raises an eyebrow.

(Jeez. He realizes he doesn't know too many of the names of the people in this class. He should probably stop skipping so much.)

"Yeah?" Taehyung asks, with a good-natured smile.

"Can I just ask you something?" He asks, tapping his pen on his notebook, as if he's nervous. "You've probably been asked about it a lot these days, I'm just... curious."

Taehyung holds back a sigh. He has an idea what this is about. "Is it about me and Yoongi hyung?"

His seatmate gives him an embarrassed smile, shrinking back into himself a little bit. "Sorry. You're probably asked it a lot, huh?"

Taehyung shrugs, thinks, what can you do, feels slightly bitter about the fact that Yoongi seems to be just a little more popular than him, if he was the one getting all the questions. Or maybe he's just more approachable.

"We're not dating. We're just friends."

It pains him a little to say it, but he shakes off the feeling.

"Ah." He says, nods slowly, looks away. "Ah, that makes sense. Sorry. I just... I guess I was a little shocked, hearing the rumors. I went to high school with him. Yoongi, I mean."

Now, that... that peaks his interest. "Really?"

The boy hums in confirmation. "Yeah, we weren't really close and he and his friends were all pretty low-key, but we were classmates in senior year. We used to play basketball together. He... used to hang out with this kid a lot. Good-looking guy. I think he was two years below us. They had a music group and he was one of the vocalists. I never got to meet him, though. But I'd see them around."

Taehyung's throat dries. But he manages to bite out, "Boyfriend?"

He shrugs. "I can't say for sure. There was never any proof, you know? But it seemed like it. There were rumors. They were always together, those two. I mean... all of them were. But especially them. And then suddenly, sometime in our first year here, I stopped seeing them together. Never found out what happened. I heard they stopped making music after that, too. It was weird. That's what they were known for."

Taehyung literally cannot taste any spit in his mouth. "So, they stopped making music because... of that guy?"

"Mmm." The guy says, twirling his pen, turning to look at Taehyung. "I mean, that's what the rumors say. I don't know what happened, but if they were dating... I assume it was a pretty bad breakup. I never saw them with that kid again and I don't think Yoongi's dated ever since."

Taehyung licks his lips, realizes he isn't breathing. "Oh."

"Yeah, sorry, I talked too much just now." The guys suddenly chuckles awkwardly, "It's not my business and it's all just rumors, but it's just that... I remember how great their music was back then. And Yoongi was different."

Taehyung breathes out, "Different?"

The guy nods. "More intense, I guess. Happier."

__

"Five entire years. Jesus." Hoseok marvels, twisting his beer bottle on the coffee table, leaving a ring and making Yoongi make a wounded sound over it. "Has it really been that long?"

"That's so fucking weird." Namjoon whistles, resting his chin in his hand. "Why do I feel like it's been less? So, hyung, are you proposing to her soon? Is she gonna be my first sister in law? Seok-ah, wipe that off, you're giving Yoongi hyung an aneurysm."

Seokjin nearly chokes on his beer. "Jesus, Joon-ah. I just got a job, I can't get down on one knee when I can't even fucking afford a good engagement ring yet."

The five of them gawk at him.

"But you're thinking of doing it soon?" Yoongi asks, mouth hanging open.

"I mean," Seokjin coughs, scratching his ear, "Yeah, I've been thinking about it since my senior year and—"

"Holy shit." Jimin exhales, half eaten chip in his mouth. "I can't believe I'm friends with someone who's about to get engaged."

"It's not like it's happening soon soon, it's just... I have it in mind, that's all." Seokjin says, his ears turning significantly red, focusing on his drink, avoiding eye contact. "Don't get all... excited."

"It's so cool, though! I wanna meet her!" Taehyung exclaims, leaning forward, practically shoving his face towards him. "Hey, can I ask how you guys started dating?"

Hoseok, Namjoon, Seokjin and Yoongi meet eyes and Taehyung thinks to himself, as close as they've all gotten, which was much closer than Taehyung ever thought they would be, there were a lot of moments like this one, when he remembered how much he didn't know about them. How much he's missed out on in the lives of these four guys who've spent all of their lives together. He understood. It was the same for him and Jimin. As the four seem to communicate telepathically with their gazes, he locks eyes with Jimin and the two of them just know. It's another moment.

"Don't—" Namjoon starts, his eyes shutting in distress.

"Oh, I love this story." Yoongi sighs contentedly, leaning back, downing his beer. "It's my favorite one."

"Take it away, Jin hyung!" Hoseok exclaims, motioning to him with his hand, like some sort of game announcer.

"Oh, god." Namjoon groans, bending down and hiding his face in his hands.

"Everyone," Seokjin starts, as if about to preach the word of God, raising his bottle in the air, "Let's go back to a time when Kim Namjoon, flaming homosexual, thought he was straight."

"Nooooooooooooo," Taehyung wheezes, "He did noooooooooooot."

"Straight..." Jimin repeats to himself, his eyes teary probably from trying to swallow back a laugh, "He thought he was... s— st— can't even say it."

"Oh, but he did." Hoseok adds, adding fuel to the fire, slamming his now half empty beer bottle on the table, "He thought he was straight... or at least, he convinced himself he was straight, up until high school."

"And convinced himself it was Mina he was in love with when really it was her older brother." Yoongi reveals, making Jimin and Taehyung gasp.

"Noooooooo," Taehyung exclaims again, hands cupping his face, "That is not real."

"Look," Namjoon says, his voice muffled, face still buried in his hands, "I was a young, terrified gay and you cannot blame me... Her older brother had a belly button piercing."

"This story only gets better with time." Seokjin says with a satisfied smile at the hysterical reactions around the room, "It ages like fine wine. Hey, guys, can we make more friends? I wanna tell this story more."

"Anyway," Namjoon says, eager to take the attention off him, "While I was pretending to be in love with Mina and making her spend more time with us, Seokjin hyung fell in love with her for real and she fell in love with him too. She literally looked me in the eye and went, Joon-ah, I'm sorry, but I really like Jin and... you stare at my brother more than me."

Jimin nearly spits out his beer. "Fuck," He sputters, wiping his chin, "I hate this story. Taehyung, can you get my phone from my ass pocket? I'm recording this shit."

"Did you ever date him though, hyung?" Taehyung asks, after calming himself down.

Namjoon huffs, crosses his arms. "Nah. I mean, he was gay too but he had a fat crush on Yoongi hyung."

Yoongi smirks. "Every gay guy in high school had a fat crush on me."

Hoseok rolls his eyes. "He always gets so cocky about it. We get it, you were a homo heartthrob. It's just 'cause you were the only hot one... vaguely out back then."

"Vaguely out?" Jimin chuckles, "What the hell does vaguely out mean?"

The three friends stare at Yoongi and he shrugs, "It just means I made it easier for people to assume things. And hey," He says, turning to Hoseok, "You don't get to call me cocky. You had a crush on me in elementary school."

Hoseok bites his tongue.

"Oh my god." Seokjin gasps, covering his mouth with his fist. "Oh, holy shit, I've forgotten about that. I love having new people in our friend group. Then, I get to tell everyone about how Hoseok had a wet dream about him when he was eleven."

"Hey!" Hoseok barks, tossing a Dorito at him, "I told you that in confidence!"

"You fucking what?" Yoongi wheezes, hand on his stomach, "Holy fucking shit, you fucking had a what about me? How could I not know this?"

"It was not a sex dream, okay!" Hoseok whines, "It was just... a measly hand job!"

"I am sent. I am fucking done." Namjoon manages to say, his entire body bent in half from laughing so hard.

"Damn, Yoongi hyung," Jimin says, reaching out to shove Yoongi's knee, "I didn't know you were such a heartthrob since your childhood days. So, Hoseok's liked you, Namjoon's first love liked you, I..." He drifts off.

Hoseok, Namjoon and Seokjin swivel around to look at him. "You what?"

"— got fucked by him twice last year." Taehyung continues.

There are a few spilled drinks and particles of chips dribbling out of mouths. It's a little disgusting. Yoongi cringes. Jimin blushes, a little bit.

"You... He.. We—" Seokjin widens his eyes, turns to Yoongi, "Which one was he?"

There's a moment of meaningful silence before Yoongi opens his mouth and says, "Can Do The Splits Guy."

"I'm learning way too much right now." Namjoon comments, massaging his temples, "This is not what I was expecting when we planned this hang out."

"Anyway, my point was!" Jimin continues, fighting the embarrassment, "I didn't know Yoongi hyung had so much game. And now, even Taeh— oh." He covers his mouth, eyes widening, turns to Taehyung, expression both panicked and apologetic.

"Oh." is all Taehyung says, bottle halfway to his mouth, ".... Yikes."

Yoongi freezes. "Ah."

"Damn..." Hoseok breathes out, staring at the three, "I don't know what just happened right now or what happened that explains why Yoongi hyung doesn't look shocked, but even I know that was a yikes."

Namjoon and Seokjin exchange a knowing look, take swigs of their beers, eyeing the three, questioningly.

Taehyung decides it's always his job to end any sort of awkward atmosphere, so he clears his throat, reaches for the cooler and grabs another bottle, cracking it open with his teeth.

"So," He starts, staring at Yoongi, "Did you ever like Hoseok hyung back?"

Yoongi nearly swallows the chip in his mouth whole. "Disgusting."

Hoseok gives him a wounded look. "Rude," He sneers, "You probably would've liked me, if you weren't so in love with Jung—"

No one cuts him off, it's Hoseok himself who realizes what he just said. He closes his mouth, shuts himself up with his beer, Yoongi does the same, so does Namjoon and Seokjin and so Jimin and Taehyung follow.

It's an awkward moment like no other. The type of awkward that gets everyone desperate for it to end, so they say or do whatever, anything for the stiffness to be less obvious. And so,

"Well, this has turned sufficiently catastrophic in the span of five minutes." Seokjin announces, opening the cooler wide and taking out all the leftover beer, "Namjoon, you guys still got some leftover tequila from last month?"

"In the cabinets." Namjoon says, expression already morphing into one of concern.

"Well," Seokjin says, standing up, "Come help me, 'cause we're all about to get shit-faced."

By 2AM, Hoseok is unconscious, Namjoon is going on about the extinction of koalas, which in Yoongi's opinion, was a very relevant thing to be ranting about whether drunk or sober. Seokjin's finishing off the remnants of the tequila bottle and Yoongi is constantly in shock at how much the guy manages to drink and the way he's still usually the last one standing, Jimin looks like he's drunk texting but Yoongi's not even gonna bother with that and Taehyung...

He searches the living room for him in his drunken haze and doesn't find him. He squints his eyes, furrows his brows, trying to remember if the boy had gone home and remembers that he'd excused himself to the bathroom literally, like, five minutes ago. He was probably puking or taking a shit. Not his business as long as it flushes.

He tries not to think too hard about why they all ended up getting shit-faced in the first place. He feels like shit about it whenever he thinks about it for too long. The way he knows that his friends have spent the past three years walking on eggshells around him, never sure what's okay to talk about and what not to talk about. The way he knows they're terrified of him going back to how it was back then, scared that just one word, one sentence that they get wrong, they'd have to start all over, build him back up all over again, as if it wasn't hard enough the first time. He feels like shit whenever he thinks about it. Moreso, when he realizes he can't even blame them. He doesn't know either how much is too much. He doesn't know either what his breaking point is now. He has no control of any of it. How he feels and when he feels it. That part hasn't gotten any better with time.

If Jungkook were here, would he be telling him to get his shit together? That he's being an idiot and he should get over it already?

Probably.

He thinks, huh, time flies by faster when you're drunk because he looks at the wall clock and sees that it's already been almost twenty minutes and Taehyung still hasn't returned from his trip to the bathroom. He starts getting worried that he'd passed out on the ground or choked on his own vomit or something, so he forces himself to his feet, stumbles and sways towards the bathroom door.

He leans against it drunkenly, groaning, knocking on it twice. "Taehyung?" He calls out, pressing his ear against the wood, "You in there?"

He waits for an answer, but gets nothing. He presses his ear against the door harder, calls out again and still gets nothing. He twists the doorknob then, finds that it's unlocked and pushes it open, nearly tripping over his own feet and finds the bathroom clean and empty. It even smells a little like Taehyung's cologne.

Of course. Considerate, as always.

He makes a small noise of confusion, makes his way out of the bathroom, walks towards the living room and scans it again, just to be sure, in case he's on the floor passed out behind the couch or something, but he gets nothing. Just his half conscious friends and Namjoon crying about koalas.

I feel you, Namjoon. I do.

He checks the kitchen next, finds it empty but kind of a mess, reminding him that he and Namjoon hadn't done the dishes since yesterday night. The sink looked gross. He'd have to deal with that when he's sober. Still no Taehyung.

He wonders if he'd gone home without saying anything, but thinks, no, Jimin's still there. He wouldn't have gone home without Jimin, right? Unless he really wanted to? Unless he felt too uncomfortable about being blasted like that in front of everyone? What if he actually secretly got mad at Jimin over it? What if he's uncomfortable with him now? What if—

In his drunken state, his feet habitually lead him to his bedroom and there he finds Taehyung, standing next to his bed stand, staring at a picture frame. Yoongi feels himself sober up, almost abruptly.

"What are you doing here?"

Taehyung flinches at the voice, turning around swiftly, wide eyes locking with Yoongi's, like a criminal caught in the middle of doing his crime.

"I... sorry, I didn't mean to... snoop. The door was just half open, so I... I'm sorry."

Yoongi approaches him without looking at him, turns his head to stare at the picture frame he'd been looking at, adjusts it a little bit. "You shouldn't have."

Taehyung lowers his eyes and Yoongi sighs, raising a hand to pat his head. "But it's fine. You didn't touch anything?"

Taehyung shakes his head no. "I swear I didn't."

"Okay." Yoongi says.

For a while, the two of them just stare at the picture. It was taken back in high school, about five years ago or six. He can't really remember. Yoongi's junior year and Jungkook's freshman year. It was the first time they'd ever been able to rent a studio. They weren't dating yet then. But he remembers thinking back then, when they'd taken this picture, he knew they would soon.

It was just a selfie, taken with Seokjin's DSLR camera. It's kind of a terrible picture. A little blurry. The top part of Yoongi's head can't be seen. But they had their arms around each other, cheeks pressed together, they were both smiling really brightly. The kind of smile that made their noses wrinkle. It's the smile that got Jungkook his nickname, Bun. Short for bunny. You could see Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin's hunched figures in the background, their backs facing the camera, probably working on some song. Jungkook and Yoongi had grown up together but they didn't have too many pictures, especially ones of them smiling like this.

It was Seokjin who'd gifted it to him. Framed and everything. It hurts still having it up on his stand. But he didn't have the heart to tuck it away. Namjoon never questioned it. Yoongi caught him still staring at it sometimes, too.

"Hyung?" Taehyung calls out, voice soft and careful. "Can I ask you a question?"

Yoongi clenches his fists, fights the urge to run away or bite back at him. "Not about this."

Taehyung purses his lips. "Why not?"

Yoongi breathes through his nose. "Just because."

Slowly, Taehyung relents, nods, looks back at the picture. "Okay. I won't ask anything about it, about you two, or the situation. But can I ask... just one question about you. You can answer me with one word."

Yoongi closes his eyes, inhales, exhales, twice, thrice. Taehyung waits patiently. But doesn't take it back. Strangely, the tension in Yoongi passes. He realizes, he doesn't mind.

One question. One word. That's not too bad.

"What is it?"

Taehyung looks at him, the intensity of his gaze palpable even if Yoongi wouldn't return it, "Were you in love with him?"

The question stings. He realizes no one's ever really asked him that. Everyone just knew. It was the type of thing that was clear to anyone who knew them, the type of thing that was left unsaid.

He realizes the question is easier to answer than he thought it would be.

"Yes." He says and it's more of an exhale, a whisper, barely even a word. He turns around, "Let's go back out."

Taehyung says nothing else, simply follows behind him, with one last lingering look at the young boy's bright smile and the way the Yoongi in the picture was smiling back at him like he was his entire world. And the Yoongi now was turning away from it, back rigid, as if he couldn't bear to look at it for any longer.

The next morning, Yoongi finally tells Namjoon that Taehyung had confessed to him weeks ago and asked about Jungkook the night before.

"He's a good kid." Yoongi mumbles under his breath, eyes fixated on their countertop, "I don't want him to get wound up in my mess."

"You're not a mess." Namjoon says, resting his hand on top of Yoongi's. "He's a good kid. I'm not saying you need to feel the same way back or date him if you don't know where you stand yet. But I can tell that he brings out something in you. Something good. And I think you should let him in."

__

Yoongi wasn't a big fan of winter.

I mean, he never had been. It was something that he thought he'd outgrow, like, he'd thought maybe it was just teenage angst and the downside of having a family that barely functioned as one and that maybe one day, when he's older, get a life of his own, he'd start enjoying it. See the hype, somehow.

Yoongi doesn't like winter. Hates it with a passion. It got worse every year. His friends had always made it their mission to change his mind, but even they'd given up on it, eventually. No amounts of alcohol or Holiday Hoseok Cheer had ever managed to get him out of his Christmas Spiral and so it's just the one thing about him that the people close to him have come to accept.

The apartment is empty. Namjoon went off to his hometown earlier than usual, something about celebrating his little sister's art award. Good for her, Yoongi thinks. He remembers when she was born. Namjoon cried like a baby that day. More than the baby. Seokjin was off with Mina and both their families were out on some ski trip. He'd tried inviting Yoongi, as he does every year. Yoongi loves the Kim family, loves them to death, owes them too much. But he knew spending Christmas with them would just make him feel like a... ninth wheel. Seokjin's family was full of happy couples. His family had too much energy and money, two things that Yoongi had none of. Hoseok was leaving today, he was probably on his way right about now, back to Gwangju. Yoongi makes a mental note to leave him a take care text. He'd heard from Taehyung that Jimin's a Busan boy and he'd left for home yesterday. Jungkook's parents were from Busan too. Jungkook was born there but moved to Seoul pretty early on. He didn't have much memories of the place, he'd said. But Yoongi had been there with him before. It was a nice place. A good memory, despite everything. Maybe he'd go back there, visit again, when he can bring himself to.

His phone rings. He half expects it to be Seokjin, that damn guy, always acting like a father just because he's his only hyung. He checks the caller ID.

Kim Taehyung

Yoongi just watches his phone ring about three times. A part of him doesn't really wanna pick up because the past few days after the whole picture frame incident have been awkward. But he relents, not exactly having the heart to ignore him. He presses the green button and puts it on speaker.

"What do you want this time?"

He can almost hear Taehyung scowl through the phone. "What a way to greet one of your greatest friends. I was just about to ask you if you wanted some kimchi fried rice ingredients that'll last you through the holiday season, but you know what? Never mind. You don't deserve it."

"What?" Yoongi says quickly, taking his phone and bringing it closer to his mouth, "Wait, what? No, wait, I'm sorry. I want the rice. Please give me the rice."

Taehyung chuckles knowingly. "I'll pass by in a few minutes, I'm close by. Hey, so when are you leaving for your hometown? You're from Daegu too, right?"

Yoongi shifts uncomfortably in his bed, "Nah. I'm gonna be staying here."

A pause.

Suddenly, Taehyung's yelling a little bit and Yoongi winces as he distances himself from his phone, "What? What the fuck? Why? You're gonna be alone there! Everyone's going home! Is your family coming over? That's the only explanation!"

Yoongi wants to be annoyed. It's a little troublesome, the way Taehyung always seemed to be all up in his business. But he can't ever bring himself to be, knowing everything Taehyung said and did came from a good place. Knowing Taehyung liked him, cared about him, despite Yoongi giving him so fucking little to work with.

He sighs. "I don't go home for the holidays, Taehyung. I don't have anywhere to go back to."

It's quiet on the other end for a few seconds, but Yoongi can hear the noise of passing cars and the biting cold outdoor breeze. Taehyung abruptly ends the call with, "Be there in 10. We need to talk."

The caller ID disappears and his blank home screen stares back at him. We need to talk. Yoongi groans. That never means anything good.

When Taehyung arrives, it's with a bang. It's consecutively pressing on their doorbell until Yoongi opens the door with a, "I'm right here, what the fuck?" and he barges in like an avalanche, still shivering from the cold outside, carrying a pretty large transparent container full of kimchi fried rice. He rushes to set it down on the coffee table and then swiftly swivels around to face Yoongi and abruptly, he grabs both his hands.

Yoongi flinches, a little terrified. "What is going on? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Taehyung's eyes are wide and a little teary, the way they usually look when he's about to bring out the Ultimate Pout, so it's fair to assume that he's about to ask for something that Yoongi is probably not going to like.

"Hyung," Taehyung starts, already starting to jut his bottom lip out, "I have a suggestion."

He doesn't like this. He says as much. "I don't like this."

"Well, I just thought, as your friend and a person who cares a lot about you," Taehyung starts and Yoongi already feels a headache coming on, "I don't want you to spend the holidays all alone in your cold apartment where your heater sucks. So, I was thinking—"

"I am not going to Daegu with you." Yoongi deadpans.

"Why not?" Taehyung cries, jumping up and down, bringing Yoongi's hands with him as he does, "It's gonna be so fun! My family's so nice! My parents would love you! I got the kimchi fried rice recipe from my mom! It's literally the only thing I can cook that's edible. She's a great cook! You'll love it there! It's—"

"Tae," Yoongi says firmly, squeezing his hands, "I'm grateful and that's nice, that's great for you, but... I'm okay. Really. I would really... I'd rather spend the holidays here."

Yoongi expects some more pouting, probably a lot of puppy dog eyes and soft whining, wounded animal noises, but he doesn't get any of that.

Instead, Taehyung squeezes his hands tighter, looks him in the eye and says in the most heartfelt tone Yoongi has ever heard him use,

"Hyung, I don't want you to be okay for the holidays. I want you to be happy. Please, please give me the chance to do that. It'll make me really happy too. Please?"

Oh, hell.

__

"Hey, mom! Hey, dad!" Taehyung greets, hauling his luggage into the door, "Yoongi hyung's with me!"

Yoongi's not sure what magic power Taehyung holds that's convinced him to agree to this, but he knows he's not going to hear the end of it from all their friends. Seokjin's probably gonna bust a vein over the fact that he's asked Yoongi to come with him for the past three years and had gotten denied everytime and in comes Kim Taehyung, puppy eyes and everything and here he is lugging his giant backpack with him, walking into his front door.

His house smells like muffins, is the first thing Yoongi thinks.

Muffins. Jesus. Had his mom ever even baked him fucking muffins?

"Taehyung!"

Taehyung's mother is gorgeous. Yoongi suddenly understands the term aged like fine wine, because she was the embodiment of it. Yoongi understands where Taehyung had gotten his good looks and bright aura from. One look at his mother and Yoongi thinks, they couldn't be anything besides mother and son.

"Hey, mom," Taehyung greets warmly, opening his arms and holding her close. They squeeze each other tightly, Taehyung going as far as lifting her in the air, earning a panicked shriek from her, "Missed you."

"Okay, I missed you too but put me down, you little rascal. You never change." She scolds but fondly. She pats Taehyung's hair down, cups his cheeks.

She turns her head to look at Yoongi and suddenly, he feels conscious, like he's intruding. The feeling doesn't last long, though, because she smiles at him and it's warm. He's welcome and he feels it.

"You must be Min Yoongi?" She asks and when he nods, she approaches him and takes his hand in hers, "I've heard so much about you. Thank you for being so nice to my son."

Yoongi shakes his head instantly, bows his head and reaches out his other hand to match her, "Oh, not at all, if anything, I should be thanking Taehyung. And thank you as well for... taking me in for a few days."

"Nonsense," She says, pulling him in, Taehyung looking at them with an amused smile. Yoongi also sees where Taehyung gets his persuasiveness from.

"We're really excited to have you here. Taehyung-ah, bring your bags up to your room. I've already set up the extra mattress. Your dad and your brother are out buying groceries but they'll be here in a few minutes."

"Aye aye, captain." Taehyung salutes, carrying their bags with complete and utter ease up the stairs. Yoongi gulps, pretending that that absolutely did not awaken his strength kink. He hears Taehyung squeal when he gets upstairs, something that sounds like "Tannie!"

When he realizes he was fully staring, he nearly smacks himself to come to his senses and turns to find Taehyung's mom looking at him, knowingly.

There aren't many moments in his life that Yoongi feels shame so mortifying that he wants the ground to swallow him whole, but this was definitely one of those moments. "I—"

She merely shakes her head. "Don't you worry. I won't tell a soul. Not even him." She says, pretending to lock her lips and throw the key.

Yoongi loves her already. But he also wants to die.

Dinner is... an experience. Whenever Yoongi thought of family dinners, he'd always associated it with words like uncomfortable or torture . To the point that he had spent the entire few days before the trip and the train ride before this very moment, mentally preparing for them to give him an awkward, scary interview. Or to witness a husband and wife have a heated argument that starts with something like the chicken being too stale that'll somehow escalate to the dramatic reveal of a mistress. Or for Taehyung and his little brother to start arguing with their parents about hating their majors and wanting to follow their dreams instead, hell, he doesn't know.

Family dinners never went well. Or maybe he and his friends have just had some really fucked up family dinners. He's starting to believe it's the latter.

Taehyung's dad is just as pleasant as his mom. He'd greeted Yoongi with a high five, and a "Yoongi, right? Hey, Taehyung, he's tiny!" and Yoongi's not sure if he loves him or hates him.

Taehyung's little brother, Beomgyu, is still in high school and looks scarily like Taehyung. Acts scarily like him too. He'd never seen such a good-looking family in his life.

As they eat, they talk about their lives, mostly focusing on Taehyung, since he's the only one who doesn't live with them. They talk about their other relatives with so much fondness, catch up and smile at each other and laugh like Yoongi has always believed families should be.

He keeps thinking, this is nice. This is warm. This is everything he's ever wanted. He's happy and sad at the same time, feels like he's intruding a little, but he doesn't really want to be anywhere else. It's overwhelming.

God, they even had a dog. A fucking dog. A little black Pomeranian named Yeontan. What the fuck was he supposed to do about that?

His inner monologue is cut short, when suddenly the attention is on him.

"So Yoongi," Mr. Kim starts, once he finishes chewing his chicken, "Why aren't you with your family?"

"Dad." Taehyung scolds, giving him a look that said, don't ask that, probably trying to communicate with his eyes that it's a sensitive topic.

His dad's eyes instantly widen, looking panicked, Mrs. Kim already looks ready to apologize for him and Beomgyu's staring at them worriedly.

Yoongi hasn't even said anything and he already feels like he's ruined the moment.

He decides it's something Taehyung's gonna learn eventually, because it's one of the only things people ever knew about him, back then.

So, he squeezes Taehyung's wrist, shakes his head, "It's alright."

He faces Mr. Kim and smiles. "My dad was never in the picture and my mom passed away when I was in middle school. I was raised since then by my aunt, but... it was hard for them to manage taking care of me, especially financially, so I moved out as soon as I could and have been living with one of my best friends, Namjoon, ever since."

The air turns somber and Yoongi's almost scared that he'd messed up and thought maybe he should've just lied, but instead he feels Taehyung reach out and squeeze his hand. He doesn't say anything and Yoongi's glad he doesn't.

He adjusts his hand, palm up, so he can squeeze back. He realizes just how much Taehyung's hand has helped ground him over the past few months.

He looks up and sees that his parents were looking at him, not with the pity that Yoongi was used to seeing in people's eyes when they looked at him, but empathy.

Understanding.

"We're very happy to have you here." Mrs. Kim says, smiling at him warmly, "I hope you know that. Okay?"

Yoongi nods. "I'm very happy to be here too, Mrs. Kim."

Beomgyu reaches for the meat plate, picks a piece of galbi up and places it on Yoongi's plate, silently. It's a small gesture. But it makes Yoongi want to cry.

This was what a family was supposed to be like. It's what he should've gotten. It's what Jungkook should've gotten. He feels warm. He feels grateful. But at the same time, it feels unfair.

Everything about it just felt so unfair.

Later that night, lying in Taehyung's childhood bed because he refused to let Yoongi sleep on the floor, he just stares at the ceiling, glow in the dark stars staring back at him. It's then that he starts feeling bad for ever thinking about it, for feeling a flicker of envy and hatred, seeing how good Taehyung has it. He shouldn't be. He was happy too, because Taehyung deserved that. He was a good person. A warm one. Only ever patient and kind.

"Tae?" He calls out, half-whispering, "Are you asleep?"

A pause.

Unbeknownst to Yoongi, despite Kim Taehyung's calm demeanor, a storm had been brewing in him since the second Yoongi had agreed to spending a few days with him in his family home. It seemed like a good idea, in the moment. But when Taehyung had thought about it, he'd realized, oh god, he just invited his crush to go home with him and meet the fucking family. Was he dumb? Was he really, literally stupid?

On the train ride here, he'd nearly pissed himself. When he'd seen Yoongi so cozy with his mom as they set the table, he'd nearly shit himself. Right now, with Yoongi lying in the bed he'd been in the first time he jerked off, wow, that's...

That's actually kind of hot. Wait. No.

"No." Taehyung answers, voice low and soft, "Can't sleep?"

There's a long silence. It's long enough for Taehyung to think that maybe he'd managed to fall asleep, but suddenly he speaks again, voice smaller than it usually is.

"I feel like... I need to apologize."

"What?" Taehyung shifts at that, turning to face Yoongi's direction, even if neither of them can really see. "What for?"

"I just..." Yoongi drifts off, Taehyung hears him sigh, shifting in his bed a little, bringing the blankets up, "I feel like I'm taking advantage. Of you, of all this."

"Why the hell would you think that?" Taehyung asks, sounding upset, feeling upset.

"Because... it's so nice here, you know? Everyone's been treating me so great. But I'm not even... It's not like I'm your boyfriend, god, I haven't even..." He exhales, shaky, "— haven't even figured that out yet."

Taehyung's breath hitches. It's the first time either of them had ever brought it up since the confession.

"And suddenly I'm here," Yoongi continues, "Where everyone's treating me so nicely when I'm not even your boyfriend and I don't even know how to act 'cause I didn't know this was how holidays with family worked. And for a while there... for a while there... Can I admit something?"

Taehyung nods. And then he remembers Yoongi can't see him. So he hums.

"I felt angry." Yoongi confesses, sounding pained as he says it. "I felt angry that I never got any of this. I felt mad that you did, that some of us didn't, wondered why you get to have it, what the hell we did wrong, you know? And it's not fair that I thought that. It's not like it's your fault that we... that things were shit. But it's how I felt. I wanted to tell you. Because I'm sorry. I don't like that I... I don't know. I don't like that I still have resentment in me over this. I thought I didn't."

Taehyung's quiet for a moment, not sure what to say. If there even is anything to say to something like that. He settles with, "Can I hold your hand?"

There's only a beat of silence, before he hears some small movements, then Yoongi's voice going, "Here."

Taehyung reaches out to his side and feels Yoongi's fingers, palm, he holds it. His hand is cold. "Hyung?"

"Hmm?"

"You don't have to be my boyfriend for my family to be nice to you. They're nice to everyone I bring home. So, don't worry about that." Taehyung explains.

Yoongi snorts.

"And... don't be sorry." Taehyung says, rubbing his thumb over the back of Yoongi's hand. "Because I understand why. I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry your family sucks."

Yoongi swallows down whatever feeling is threatening to come up, but he scoots closer to the edge of the bed, lays on his side, holds onto Taehyung's hand a little tighter, closes his eyes. "Thanks."

They both wonder if they're going to survive another two days of this.

__

Yoongi, somehow, finds himself spending the entire afternoon playing video games with the Kim siblings. He realizes being loud seems to run in the family.

"Suck it, Beomgyu!" Taehyung mocks, sticking his tongue out at his little brother. "Suck. It."

"Ugh," He groans, tossing his controller to the ground, scratching his head, "I hate you. I've been practicing all week to beat you. Why are you still so good? Is this all you do in Seoul? Do you not study? Do you not have a life?"

"He doesn't." Yoongi answers for him, which earns a howl of laughter from Beomgyu and a shove from Taehyung.

"Hey!" Taehyung whines, "Who's fucking side are you on here?"

"Beomgyu's." Yoongi says easily, which earns him an even harder shove, making Yoongi fall into him as the kid laughs even harder.

"Hyung," Beomgyu says, throwing an arm over Yoongi, which makes him realize that touchiness runs in the family too, "Hyung, I like him. Keep this one."

"The disrespect." Taehyung huffs, snootily turning away from them. "All I do is serve and slave for everyone and all I get is this disrespect."

Yoongi can't help the fondness that blooms in his chest being in the middle of this.

He didn't have any siblings. Sometimes, he thinks that maybe if he did have one, a brother or maybe a sister, home would've felt easier to breathe in.

Or maybe not. Maybe it would've just been another added responsibility, another person to shield and take care of when he could barely even take care of himself.

But he figures, the others were already pretty much his brothers, in every way except by blood. Hoseok, Namjoon, Seokjin, even Jungkook— wait, now that's just Sweet Home Alabama.

But Jungkook was family, in lots of ways.

He looks at the two boys sandwiching him right now and thinks, but this is still different. This is still something he wished he'd had.

"Hyung," Beomgyu calls out, "You want more chips? I think dad bought some extra yesterday. I'm pretty sure there's the spicy jalapeño one downstairs."

Taehyung turns to look at him with unbelievable speed. "I'm on it. I'll go make some hot chocolate for us too." He stands up, points at the two, "You two behave and play another game to practice, you losers,"

And just as he reaches his bedroom door, "— and shut your mouth, Kim Beomgyu! Don't embarrass me from the get-go!"

They both stare out the door, wait for Taehyung's footsteps to fade and watch his figure disappear to the bottom of the stairs. It's then that Beomgyu turns to look at him, in his doe-eyed glory and asks,

"So, are you guys dating?"

Yoongi chokes on the last Cheeto Puff.

Another realization. Making him choke also runs in the family. He pauses.

Another realization. That's a terrible sentence.

"What?" He sputters, rubbing his throat, reaching for the nearest glass of water. "What... where'd that come from?"

"I'm not blind." is all he says, turning his attention back to the TV screen, going through the game characters, "I have him as a brother so I have terrific gaydar. Am I right?"

Yoongi opens his mouth, inhales, closes it. He's not exactly sure how to answer that. To say they were a thing would be a lie. But to say that they were absolutely just friends, somehow felt like a lie too. I mean, they were. But they kind of weren't?

It freaked Yoongi out sometimes when he thought about it for too long, because that's how it started out with him and Jungkook too. They were just friends but not really. It was the scariest limbo to be in.

Beomgyu hums, taking the silence as an answer in itself. "You don't know yet, huh?"

Yoongi purses his lips. "Yeah."

He nods, makes a perceptive noise. "Is there a reason you guys don't know yet... but he brought you home with you?"

Yoongi doesn't have to hesitate before answering that one. "'Cause he's a stubborn kid who cares too much."

That makes Beomgyu smile. "That, he is."

They both have their attention on the TV now, playing a game to practice before Taehyung gets back. Beomgyu says, voice soft but clear as day,

"I can tell he really likes you, though. Don't hurt him. His last boyfriend was a dick."

That sounds like a story that needed to be told. There was a lot to unpack there. Yoongi feels a pang of guilt in his chest, because he doesn't know if he can make any promises right now, that being a big part of the reason he hasn't said anything more than a pathetic "Okay" to Taehyung's confession. He doesn't feel like lying to his little brother either, that wouldn't be fair. So, instead he just says the one thing that he does know.

"I'd rather get hurt than hurt him." Yoongi says, plain, simple, true. "That's what I know, for sure."

And for a few moments after that, it's just the sounds of the game, the clicking noises of their controllers, until Beomgyu says, "I'd rather neither of you do. I think he'd rather that too."

Yoongi wonders if that's ever a possibility in love.

They hear a crashing noise and a yell that sounds something like, "God damn it, Tannie! My hot chocola— don't lick it!"

They look at each other. Blink.

"We should go help him."

"Yeah."

When Yoongi agreed to spending three days and two nights with Taehyung's family, he'd expected, he doesn't know, something grand . Something like Seokjin's family ski trips. Hoseok's huge family gatherings that involved Christmas Programs from the kids and being forced to play stupid games. Maybe they'd be like Namjoon's family, who didn't really do anything to celebrate, just a simple dinner and maybe a small karaoke party if they were feeling particularly crazy. He feels almost dumb for mentally preparing himself so much, when all that they did seemed to be things people always did at home.

They cooked, ate, played video games, read comic books, sat by their fireplace and drank hot chocolate or wine, took videos and pictures with Yeontan. (That, in particular, maybe he should've mentally prepared for. Seeing Taehyung rolling on the ground with his tiny dog didn't really do well for his heart.)

He'd helped them prepare for Christmas Eve dinner, they'd devoured everything they cooked down to the very last grain of rice, and Yoongi got dissed for his height again, which he couldn't exactly blame them for. Even Beomgyu was tall for his age and he privately cursed their blessed genes.

And then suddenly, it was time for presents. He inwardly winces to himself. Damn.

He should've at least thought of getting them something, even just one gift for the whole family, you know? A bottle of wine or something. Wine's expensive, though. He's not even sure if he'd have the money for that.

Yoongi, Taehyung and Beomgyu all sit in front of the tree, Taehyung's parents smiling fondly, standing behind them. They probably looked like elementary school kids.

"Hyung, get that panicked look off your face." Taehyung says, flashing him a grin as he digs through the pile under the Christmas Tree. "Don't worry about it."

"Still," Yoongi says, scratching the back of his neck and sending an apologetic look to the rest of the Kims, "I still think I should've gotten something. I'm sorry—"

"None of that!" Mrs. Kim objects, shushing him with her hands, waving them in front of her, "I want no apologies from you! Having your company and help in the kitchen has been more than enough. We were told about you coming last minute, so we weren't able to get you a proper gift either, you know. We're not sure if it's something you would like."

Beomgyu leans into his side, whispers, "Mom was in a panic. Even if the gift sucks, just smile and say you love it. I hope you're a good actor."

Yoongi takes one look at Mr. Kim's face and he can tell he's saying sorry with his eyes. Yoongi's suddenly terrified.

He opens his gift first due to popular demand and once he gets all the gift wrapping out of his view, he's met with a knitted dark blue Christmas sweater with reindeers in front.

He hears Taehyung choke on his spit. Beomgyu purses his lips. Mr. Kim sighs, 'Oh, lord.' Mrs. Kim looks ready to defend her honor. In all honesty, it's one of the ugliest sweaters Yoongi has ever seen.

"I started knitting it a few months ago for Beomgyu, but I knew he'd never wear it." Mrs. Kim sighs, "I'm not the greatest at knitting. But I figured, Taehyung told me your heater in your apartment barely works. You might need it."

It's a really ugly sweater. He loves it entirely.

So when he smiles, it isn't a fake one. When he says, "Thank you. I... really love it." He's being sincere.

And he thinks it shows because they look at him, a little shocked but slowly, their expressions melt into something more... understanding. Yoongi thinks that everyone in the room can tell, thinks that they know it in their heads, but won't say it out loud.

Of course, he loves it. It's the first Christmas gift he's ever gotten from a mother in years.

"Merry Christmas, hyung." Taehyung says, voice quiet, special, just for him.

Yoongi curls his fingers into the sweater, not able to keep his eyes off it. "Merry Christmas."

Beomgyu gets new shoes, Taehyung gets a new film camera, which made him so happy he looked close to tears. Taehyung had gotten his mom a new eyeshadow palette, his dad a new set of colorful ties and his little brother a new headset.

Sometimes, Yoongi forgets the fact that Taehyung's kind of loaded. His family's loaded enough so he gets sufficient allowance, but Taehyung still chooses to work a part time job to support himself. Of course, he has money to spare.

Yoongi feels something bloom in his chest, knowing Taehyung never wasted his money, knowing that him having a lot of it wasn't something you'd notice at first glance. He chose to use it for things like this. How very Kim Taehyung of him.

When they're lying in the dark past midnight, Yoongi warm in Taehyung's bed and Taehyung on the floor, he realizes a part of him doesn't really wanna leave tomorrow.

It feels selfish of him, but he wants another day and then one more, maybe another. But at the same time, he feels, this has been enough . It's all he needed. A little more might be too much.

He curls into his sweater, he'd put it on the moment everyone else started opening their presents. It didn't feel new, somehow. It still smelled like Mrs. Kim, a little bit. It felt soothing.

The way the blanket and sheets smelled like Taehyung felt soothing too.

"Tae?" Yoongi calls out again, just like last night, "Are you awake?"

"Yeah, hyung." Taehyung doesn't hesitate this time, before answering. "Still can't sleep?"

"I wanted to say thank you." Yoongi says, before he can chicken out. "For all this."

He hears Taehyung snort, softly, like he's amused.

"Hey!" Yoongi whines, "I'm being serious!"

Taehyung laughs for real this time, sighs, "Ah, hyung. Yesterday, you were apologizing. Now, you're expressing your gratitude. What is this character development in the span of 24 hours?"

Yoongi can't help but laugh at that too, wondering himself what's gotten into him.

But he knew he needed to say it, that he'd have exploded if he didn't. "I don't know, it's just been... really nice. I'm glad I agreed to go, that's all."

He can't see anything but he knows Taehyung is smiling. "I'm glad, hyung. Really."

It's quiet again after that. Yoongi thinks he hears Taehyung shift in his position, probably preparing to sleep for real and he thinks back to the past two days, everything he's learned about Taehyung.

There were pictures of him framed in the living room. He'd learned things about Taehyung he would've never known about if he hadn't come.

He used to play the saxophone, studied it for a few years before he switched to the violin. Taehyung also played the piano, a little bit. Never took lessons, though, just learned by himself, according to Beomgyu. And something he already felt but couldn't know for sure. He was a singer. He'd always been good at it. He used to be pretty passionate about it too, but chose to go for visual arts when he started university. An art kid through and through.

And then Beomgyu's voice from that afternoon echoes in his head.

He also learned that Taehyung had a boyfriend once. One that wasn't kind to him.

"Hyung?" Taehyung calls out, "I don't know why, but I can hear you thinking."

He hesitates for a moment, but thinks to himself, he's not gonna be able to sleep if he doesn't ask.

So, he does.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

There's a small pause before he laughs. "Oh, how the tables have tabled, huh?" He jokes, "What is it?"

"I was talking to Beomgyu earlier, and..." He drifts off.

"Oh no."

"He mentioned you had a boyfriend in high school." Yoongi continues, cautiously, like he's treading dangerous water. "He told me he was a dick."

Yoongi had expected it to be a sensitive topic, that Taehyung would avoid it like the plague. Ex talks tended to be that way.

Instead, he's answered with a truly amused laugh and a relieved sigh. "Damn, I thought he told you something embarrassing. Well . Yeah... yeah, I did. We dated for two years. His name was Hyungsik."

"Hyungsik..." Yoongi drifts off, the name unfamiliar on his tongue, already tasting bitter knowing he hurt Taehyung, "What'd he do?"

Taehyung heaves a heavy sigh and Yoongi can tell it's a long story. "Well, neither of us were out when we started dating, so that was an issue in itself. The only one who knew I was gay back then was Jimin. Not 'cause I was unsure or ashamed or anything, I knew my family would've been fine with it, for the most part. I just... high school kids are mean, you know? And for him... no one knew. He wouldn't admit it, back then... not even to himself."

Yoongi winces. This cannot be good.

"We were a secret from everyone. We snuck around a lot and... looking back, our relationship wasn't exactly ideal, you know? He was so sweet to me in private, wouldn't even look at me in school, refused to even be seen as friends. At the time, it hurt. But I thought... I'd take what I could get. It'd be fine eventually, if we held out a little more, we'd get to a point where it'd be okay to come out."

Taehyung pauses, Yoongi hears him squirm around in his blanket. "And then, we got found out. I don't know who did it to this day. But a picture of us making out behind the school spread. It reached everyone in the student body. It reached the faculty. It reached our families."

"Jesus Christ." Yoongi exhales, "Jesus Christ, I'm so fucking sorry."

Taehyung makes a noise of indifference. "I think... he took it harder than I did. We both got into trouble. Kids were mean to me, but they'd always been. I had Jimin. I had a few other good friends. I had my family. My dad took a little while to really accept it, wholeheartedly, but he did his best. That was enough for me. I was better off. He was a campus heartthrob, on the basketball team, his dad had always been harsh on him. When you're in high school, your reputation feels like your world. His got ruined. He blamed me for it."

"He's an asshole." Yoongi bites out.

"Nah," Taehyung objects, pauses, "Well... I mean, yeah, he was. I was angry then, really angry, really hurt, devastated, even. I really believed I was in love with him, that he loved me back. And then suddenly, he didn't. But looking back..." He exhales, "I'm not anymore. There's no excuse for the way he treated me after that, but I get what it was. He wasn't being cruel for the sake of being cruel. He ended up being cruel because he was young and he was scared. That's all it was. It's not an excuse... but I understand."

Yoongi marvels at the amount of kindness one person can hold in their body. The amount of emotional maturity and understanding someone was capable of showing in the worst kinds of situations, worst types of pain. Taehyung always managed to go way past his expectations of the typical human being.

He marvels at the way Taehyung shares pieces of himself with ease, even the hard ones, the not so nice ones, the way he speaks like they're just distant memories now, part of his growth. Shitty things that aren't shitty anymore because he got past it and got better because of it. It was a really good look on someone, Yoongi realizes.

"I'm sorry that happened to you." Yoongi says and he means it, "You're a really amazing person. Really."

The quiet lasts for a long time after that, it's probably an entire twenty minutes or something so Yoongi assumes he's asleep. He tries to get some shut-eye himself, sinks into the blankets, closes his eyes.

A few seconds later, he hears shuffling sounds and then a loud bump.

"Ow." Taehyung hisses.

"What the fuck? You okay?" Yoongi groggily sits up, "What the hell are you trying to do? Turn on the lights or something."

He sees a small glow coming from Taehyung's phone somewhere in the corner of the room where their bags sit and sees Taehyung's shadowed figure, hunching down and searching for something in his luggage. "I don't wanna turn it on, I'll get embarrassed."

Yoongi makes a face that he knows Taehyung won't see. "Embarrassed by what?"

Taehyung huffs, when he finally fishes something out of his bag. Yoongi hears the zipper close and Taehyung stands up. "I got you something."

Yoongi freezes. "What?"

When they were exchanging gifts earlier, as Taehyung was handing out his presents, he'd given Yoongi a look, a hesitant one, and then he'd sounded so guilty when he said, 'Sorry, hyung, I didn't have enough to buy you anything.'

Yoongi didn't think anything of it, wasn't even expecting anything in the first place, told him the kimchi fried rice was way more than enough. And it was.

He didn't really want a Christmas gift from him, because it'd make him feel like he owes him more than he already does.

"I thought you didn't get me anything." He breathes out, still in shock.

"Because," Taehyung starts to explain, sounding whiny and Yoongi feels him sit down on the edge of the bed. "I thought you might feel burdened by it, you know? I didn't wanna pressure you and give you any wrong ideas, but I just thought... I want you to take this as a thank you. For being my friend. For coming here. And for being so kind to my family."

Yoongi shakes his head and when he vaguely sees Taehyung's hand reach out to offer him something, he rushes to grab his wrists. "That's not something you should be thanking me for. I'm the one who should be thanking you and jesus, I haven't even gotten you anything. And—"

Taehyung shines his phone flashlight to show what's in his hand and Yoongi drifts off in the middle of his sentence.

He lets out a stuttered breath.

"You have to take it." Taehyung says, voice merely a whisper, "Because I got it thinking of us."

It's a bracelet , Yoongi recognizes. It's a bracelet with two charms on it. An autumn leaf and a snowflake.

His throat suddenly feels scratchy. He thinks, this isn't happening.

"Why'd it make you think of us?" Yoongi asks, his voice more air than anything else, because he doesn't trust himself to speak any louder than that.

Taehyung slowly reaches forward, unlatching the bracelet and Yoongi's body moves on autopilot as he offers his right wrist. Taehyung's hands shake as he puts it on him. Yoongi's hand shakes more.

"Well, I met you in autumn," Taehyung says, securing the bracelet, turning it around for the two charms to be in Yoongi's view, rubs his thumb over the snowflake, "— and right now it's winter."

I fell for you over the winter.

Yoongi knows what it means, even if it's left unsaid. He stares at it for a long time, just stares and he realizes he's shaking all over. He's glad the lights are off so Taehyung doesn't see it. He reaches out his other hand, runs his fingers over it.

Fuck, he thinks. What the hell is he supposed to do about this?

He thinks, he should say thank you. He thinks, this deserves more than a thank you, it looks expensive. He thinks, Taehyung couldn't have possibly known what this means for him. He thinks, what can he say in return that could express how he feels.

He doesn't say thank you. Instead, he says,

"I..." He croaks, clears his throat before continuing, embarrassed that he so obviously sounds like he's fighting back tears, "I have something for you too."

Yoongi sees how wide Taehyung's eyes get through the soft glow of his phone. "Just a second."

Yoongi feels around the side of the bed for his own phone and when he finds it, he turns on the flashlight and rushes to his own luggage.

He hadn't actually bought a gift. It wasn't a present, not really. He'd brought his notebook with him. His lyric notebook. Seokjin would always make fun of him, saying that Namjoon and Hoseok had graduated to using their phones and he should catch up to the times, but Yoongi always felt there was something charming about writing it down with pen and paper. It helped his brain work better. Something like that. He'd brought it with him and he didn't really know why. He just felt like he needed it.

Now, he knows.

Taehyung had given him so much, more than just food, more than just time and energy, more than just friendship, he'd given him his secret hideout, shared with him his family, his home, his bed, shared pieces of his life and soul with him, small ones, but pieces .

Pieces he'll never get back. Yoongi hasn't given him any of himself back. But Taehyung gave anyway, never asking for anything in return.

Taehyung sits still, listens to the sound of ruffling in the dark, his body taut, stunned. Yoongi had gotten him something . Yoongi was barely scraping by as it was, how could he have managed to get him something?

He hears Yoongi footsteps, feels the bed dip but he can't find it in him to turn and look at what he could be holding.

There's a long moment of just dead air. Taehyung can't bring himself to look. Yoongi seemingly can't bring himself to move. Or speak. They sit there and suddenly, Taehyung hears a page flip.

It peaks his curiosity despite the entire situation, he finally looks, sees Yoongi holding onto his phone with the flashlight on, focusing it on a black notebook, as he flips the pages.

He notices all of the paper looked... worn out. Crumpled, stained, torn, the notebook itself looked like it was in bad shape. As he flips the pages and Taehyung sees glimpses of each one, he realizes what they are. He holds his breath.

Lyrics.

Yoongi finally reaches the last page with anything written in it. And it looks the most worn out. It's almost completely ripped off the notebook, hanging on by a fucking thread. It looks destroyed, like it's been through a war zone and back. But out of all the pages Taehyung had seen, it had the least words written on it.

Yoongi smooths it over. His fingers are shaking really badly. Taehyung looks up and he's barely a shadow, but he can tell how nervous he is.

Taehyung reaches out, holds Yoongi's hand. Yoongi takes it without a moment's hesitation. The shaking stops almost instantly. It's bizarre.

"This is... the only thing I've been working on for three years." Yoongi admits, his voice hushed, like it hurts him to admit. "Just this... for three entire fucking years."

He turns the notebook away from himself, pushes it towards Taehyung. He lets go of Yoongi's hand, takes the notebook in his, realizes he's shaking too, probably just as badly.

Because he gets what this is supposed to be. He gets why this is something Yoongi's giving him.

It's a piece of him. A piece of him he's trusting Taehyung with.

Everything about you has lost its tomorrow, and now wanders for eternity with me,

who was unable to say goodbye or move on

Tell me, what kind of tomorrow is there left for me in this city?

Taehyung feels a lump in his throat. It's heavy. It's painful. It's only three lines, but Taehyung knows what it's about. It's about pain. Heartbreak. Lost love.

He keeps thinking of the boy in the picture frame. He keeps thinking about the sad voice in all those songs. He keeps thinking, this is for him. He knows it's for him.

He doesn't ask. He knows it'd be crossing a line. Instead,

"Rap lyrics?" He asks and he knows his voice is unsteady.

Yoongi shakes his head. "It's for vocals." He answers, his voice is unsteady too, like this entire thing terrifies him.

Taehyung doesn't blame him. He's terrified too. Carrying something like this in his hands right now, knowing it's probably Yoongi's entire life. He can't imagine how he feels.

"Vocals... for Jin hyung then?" Taehyung asks.

The silence after that feels weighted, like the answer is something that's about to take something out of Yoongi.

When it ends, all he says is, "For me."

Taehyung gasps audibly, looks up. "You sing, hyung?"

Yoongi snorts at that, reaches out, running his fingers up and down the paper of his notebook, as if it comforts him. It probably does.

"Not really, no. A little, I guess. I did in some tracks. I can carry a tune, though I was never that good." He hesitates for a moment, licks his lips, takes a deep breath before he says the next part, "JK was better. He was the main vocalist for a reason."

"JK." Taehyung says, although it's more of a question. Yoongi nods.

Taehyung looks back down at the lyrics, bites his bottom lip. "He had a beautiful voice. He was my favorite."

Yoongi stays quiet at that, stares at the page, expression blank. But Taehyung knew there was probably a lot going on inside him at the moment, a lot of things Taehyung probably wouldn't understand, even if he tried.

"So, you wanna be a vocalist this time, huh." Taehyung comments, forcing a smile on his face. "Are you singing this with Jin hyung? Or is he rapping for this?"

Yoongi shakes his head. "Actually, I..." He takes a deep breath, arranges sentences in his head before he opens his mouth, "Back then... the five of us didn't have too many places to go to or hang out in. There was this music shop near our neighborhood where the owner was pretty fond of us. Saw us grow up and everything, you know? By high school, he was making us look after his shop and letting us play the instruments and stay after closing hours as long as we didn't break anything. So, we learned to play a lot of them. To the point where we could've been a proper... band. Jung— JK wanted us to try it out, you know? Hey, hyung, why don't we try writing a song like this? We could perform and join contests! He was so excited about it."

Taehyung notices the soft glow in Yoongi's eyes, talking about it. Taehyung feels enamored. "Did you?"

"No." Yoongi says, lowering his head. "I didn't think we were good enough for that. We were all more comfortable with the kind of music we were already making. I was more comfortable rapping than singing. But after everything, I... I decided I wanted to try. It just... but that's all I've got for it. It hasn't been working out."

Taehyung thinks, artists usually use their art as a form of escape. Or an outlet. It's hard to let things out any way else, so you write poems, write lyrics, sing, rap, dance, draw, paint. That's how you let it out. That's how you let things go. Taehyung thinks, that's how he is too. He thinks, if it's something too painful to even put on paper, too painful to think about for long enough to make art out of it, that's how important it must've been to you.

That when you lost it, you lost your art too.

He doesn't say that out loud.

"Does it have a melody?" Taehyung asks. He reads the lyrics again, knowing they deserved one. A powerful one.

He looks at Yoongi and Yoongi keeps eye contact with him as he inhales and suddenly, he starts humming.

The room is still pitch dark, the only source of light coming from both their phones. Yoongi's features are shadowed and unclear, but Taehyung sees his eyes. He focuses on them as he hums.

His voice is husky, huskier than his own but just as low pitched.

Calming. Sad.

Too soon, sooner than Taehyung thought, he stops.

"It's all I have," He explains, pursing his lips, "I don't know why. I'm usually better with melodies."

Taehyung goes over the melody in his head, thinks, no. There needs to be more. "Do it again, hyung."

"What?"

"Again." Taehyung pleads, stares at him so he knows he's serious. "Trust me."

Taehyung's no professional musician. He played saxophone for a few years, violin for the next few, piano, and a few songs on the guitar. He sings.

He's no musician. All of them were hobbies. He's never written a song in his life. But what he can say he is, is a music lover.

He understands music, loves it, down to his core. It comforts him, excites him, it's there for him when it feels like nothing and no one else is. He understands music. Music understands him.

And right now, he feels he understands Yoongi. He understands him that little bit more.

So when Yoongi starts humming, he hums along with him, following him, humming along with what he picked up earlier and then once Yoongi stops, he closes his eyes and keeps humming. He doesn't know if it's any good, doesn't even know where it's coming from, but he keeps humming, keeps thinking of Yoongi, of his eyes, the way he looks when he's asleep, the way he sounds.

He thinks of autumn. For some reason, he just keeps thinking of how they met and how Yoongi, to him, now feels like autumn.

When he's done humming, he opens his eyes slowly.

His eyes focus on Yoongi and he's staring at him and it's an expression that takes Taehyung's breath away because no one had ever looked at him like that before. Yoongi was looking at him like it was his first time seeing him.

He doesn't say anything for a long while, just keeps staring at him like he'd just unveiled the secrets of the entire universe.

It feels like both hours and seconds before Yoongi starts speaking, his voice hushed, like it's a secret, only for Taehyung to know.

"You're beautiful." He breathes out, like he's a moment away from bursting into tears, "Jungkook would've loved you."

Taehyung's heart convulses.

His name. The boy in the picture frame. The sad voice in all those songs. JK.

Jungkook.

__

"Hyung. Are you okay?" Namjoon asks, through the phone. "You called me but you're, like... just breathing into my fuckin' ear."

It'd been two days since he'd left Daegu. He remembers every detail of his last few minutes there, vividly.

He remembers Mr. Kim's firm but warm hug, telling him to have a safe trip home. He remembers Mrs. Kim admiring the way he apparently manages to make the sweater look good, she hugs him too, tighter, tells him to come back next year, to come back anytime. Beomgyu hugs him too with one arm, whispers, "Figure it out, okay? Don't come back until you have." Taehyung gives them a strange look, raises his eyebrows in question and Yoongi just shakes his head.

Taehyung takes him to the train station and they hug too. No, the proper term to use would be, they just held each other. For a long time. He thinks a few passersby were staring, but neither of them cared. "Text me when you're home, hyung, okay? I'll see you in a few days. You better be at my late birthday celebration." Yoongi nods, gets on the train, and strangely feels like sobbing.

"Hyung?" Namjoon tries again, "You just got back from Tae's place, right? Was it okay? Are you okay?"

He thinks about the last night he spent, raises his wrist and stares at the autumn leaf and snowflake, looking back at him, mocking him. He thinks about his slip of tongue. Jungkook, he'd said.

Taehyung really did have a special way of getting to him.

He thinks about the melody, stuck in his head. He'd only heard it once. But he can't forget it. He wouldn't be able to, even if he tried.

"I like him, Joon-ah." Yoongi admits, "I think I like him."

Namjoon's silent on the other end, stunned at the sudden confession. It takes him a second to recover, "He'd be good for you."

Yoongi smiles bitterly to himself, bangs his head against his headboard. "I know," He sighs, "But I won't be good for him."

Namjoon goes on one of his friend lectures after that, but Yoongi doesn't hear anything.

All he can hear is a melody as he stares at the bracelet around his wrist. He almost laughs. It almost feels like the universe is playing a really elaborate joke on him.

He looks back to that night Taehyung had looked him in the eye and told him he liked him. He stares at the bracelet. Even now, he's not sure what to say back. But he does know, 'Okay' isn't enough anymore. It's never been. But especially not now.

He's scared as he thinks to himself, winter still sucks.

But he stares at the bracelet, feels the material of the blue Christmas sweater he's wearing, thinks, but I guess it's not that bad this year.

__

"Hmm," Yoongi hums, his eyebrows furrowed together in thought, "I don't know. Maybe, I'd be a fucking piano. I mean... If I died, I'd probably live again as some form of music, right?"

"Music." Jungkook repeats, playing with Yoongi's piercing, "That's nice. That's... typical of you."

Yoongi shoves him half-heartedly, "Hey, why are you asking me this? Aren't you sad thinking about me dying? You should be crying right now. How dare you. I'm gonna reincarnate into music and you'll... have probably replaced me with someone else. Some taller, hotter, muscular guy."

Jungkook giggles, squishing Yoongi's cheeks with one hand. Yoongi makes a wounded sound.

"It hasn't even happened and you're already jealous." Jungkook teases, "If only the world knew that you're actually the clingy jealous one in this relationship."

"Hey—"

"If only the world knew who actually bottoms in this—"

"Hey!" Yoongi exclaims, "Shut up! Everyone knows I'm twice older but you're twice bigger!"

Jungkook laughs even harder, gathering him in his arms, burying his face in Yoongi's neck. "I'd never replace you, hyung. I'd end up dying alone with our three cats and two dogs."

Yoongi smiles fondly at that, burying his fingers in Jungkook's black locks. His hair's been getting long. "Nah," He says, "I'm kidding. A beauty like you doesn't deserve to die alone. I'd want you to find love again, but only if he's a better rapper than me."

Jungkook smacks him on the chest. "Conceited bastard."

Yoongi looks at him. Shoots the question back. "What about you?"

Jungkook raises his eyebrows. "What?"

"Would you really just be a jellyfish if you reincarnated?" Yoongi snorts, "That's... uncharacteristically trivial."

"Shut the fuck up." Jungkook bites out. "Give me a second."

__

Taehyung has a fucking lot of friends, is the first thing Yoongi notices when he walks into Taehyung's Late Birthday Slash After New Year's Party.

His parents had rented out an entire bar for him. The best one near their university. God, they were cool. It honestly made Yoongi upset.

The place was packed, literally, the first and second floor filled with people that Yoongi mostly only knew by face but not by name. He wonders if Taehyung invited the entire student body. Figures.

It was strange, hearing that Taehyung didn't have the best middle school or high school experience. Granted, most people didn't, but Taehyung gave out the aura of someone who'd always been widely loved. It's who he was in university. People were drawn to him, naturally. People knew him. If they didn't, then they liked him the second they did. He's proof of that. Taehyung never had to try. Yoongi never stood a chance.

They hadn't properly spoken since Daegu. They texted each other here and there, they'd messaged each other Happy New Year. Taehyung updated him when he got back to Seoul just this morning. But Yoongi wasn't sure how to proceed after what happened with them. After his personal realization.

Because liking Taehyung didn't change anything. It didn't make anything clearer. It didn't erase Jungkook.

Where does he go from here?

So, he doesn't say anything. Just tells Taehyung he's coming, of course he is, and changes into his best party clothes. He hasn't partied in a while, not since his senior year had started. He went on a bender in his sophomore and junior year, after the mess that was his freshman year. After all that, he'd lost interest. He'd gotten sick of it, and a little traumatized too.

But, he guesses it wouldn't hurt tonight, to try to have fun. Get hammered. If only not to do something dumb like... start being awkward around the birthday boy.

"You're so tense, hyung." Namjoon comments, half-yelling so Yoongi can hear him, reaching out and rubbing Yoongi's shoulders. "Loosen up. It'll be fine."

"Okay, but," Yoongi starts, "What if he doesn't even like my gift? What if it's dumb? What if I give him the wrong idea and end up—"

"Will you stop overthinking everything and just— oh, hey, there they are!" Namjoon suddenly yells, looking somewhere over Yoongi's shoulders on his tiptoes. And if Namjoon's on his goddamn tiptoes, that means Yoongi can't see shit so instead, he jumps.

Hah. There they are.

It takes them a few minutes to get to their friends, pushing through the sweaty crowd that already smelled of tequila and weed. Jesus , Yoongi thinks. The party has barely even started.

As they get closer, finally approaching them, Yoongi's breath gets caught in his throat, birthday greeting dying in his mouth when his eyes land on him.

Holy shit.

Everyone looked good. All of them do, because it's Taehyung's fucking birthday and it's a fancy club. But Taehyung looked... fucking gorgeous.

He looked like a celebrity. He looked like a god. He'd think he was an idol if Yoongi didn't know better. His usually messy, curly black locks were slightly pushed back, showing more of his forehead. It made his unreal facial features pop. His strong eyebrows, his smokey makeup, god, he had fucking lip gloss on. His pants were leather and Yoongi doesn't think he'd ever noticed how toned his thighs are. He's wearing a white shirt that's tucked in and has the word CELINE written in front in bold lettering. It looks a little too big on him, nearly falling off his shoulders, but under all the lights, it almost looks see through. He has a detailed fake tattoo on the side of his neck going down to his chest.

Yoongi thinks, wow, so this is how I go, huh.

They meet eyes and he can tell that Taehyung's affected by how he looks too, which makes him feel significantly better. He'd worn his leather jacket and did his eyeliner for the first time in over a year for this purpose.

Taehyung smiles at him. Yoongi feels his heart beat faster.

This is bad.

He smiles back.

Happy birthday, he mouths, knowing the other won't hear him.

Taehyung beams, there he goes again, with his rectangular smile. Thank you.

Against his expectations, he doesn't get to spend much time with Taehyung throughout the party. He'd been stressing for nothing, he realizes. He probably won't even get to hand him his gift. He barely sees him after the first few minutes.

Jimin had gone off with that new guy he's dating, Sungwoon or something, was his name. Seokjin had brought Mina along with him, so they were probably off somewhere with Namjoon. Knowing them, they were probably just sitting on some table watching the chaos ensue before their eyes. They were all getting too old for shit like this. Except, well, he turns and sighs, watches as Hoseok gets down and dirty on the dance floor. Yoongi smirks as the boy starts grinding against some guy he knows is named Hyungwon. Yoongi's pretty sure he does modeling part-time. Good job, Hobi.

Last time he saw Taehyung, he was making conversation with the frat boys. Yoongi nearly swallowed his lemon slice. Fucking frat boys. Kim Taehyung was something else.

You couldn't help but admire him. For someone who apparently had close to no friends back then, he has the entire human race wrapped around his finger now. Even frat boys, apparently. And Yoongi thinks, maybe that's what happens when you take a really shitty thing that happens to you and move on from it by growing from it.

Wow. Yoongi could never.

He finishes off his cocktail and starts scanning the crowd again for Taehyung. He wasn't really expecting this kind of turnout and a few minutes ago, he thinks he just witnessed someone getting a public blowjob, so he knows it's about time to go.

When he fails to find him, he sighs and decides it wouldn't hurt to get some fresh air for a few minutes, away from the crowd that smelled of... alcohol, regret and STD.

He nods at the bouncer who nods back at him and the second the back door opens, he's hit with a strong wave of cold air. Yoongi instantly curls into himself, slightly regretting the sheer top under his leather jacket.

"Yikes." He mutters to himself, already preparing to go back inside, realizing this was a terrible idea.

When he turns his head, he sees the birthday boy crouching on the ground against the wall, smoking a cigarette. Taehyung's looking up at him with an amused smirk, some of his hair matted to his forehead, he assumes from sweating so much inside.

Yoongi laughs a little. It's kind of frozen to his skin now.

"Taehyung, you're fucking freezing out here." Yoongi chuckles, approaching the boy, sliding down to the ground beside him. "What's the birthday boy doing away from his own party?"

He smiles lightly, finishes off his cigarette, tossing it to the ground beside him, stomping it out with his foot. "There's too many people in there. What the fuck."

Yoongi laughs through his nose, tilts his head to look at him. "You say that like this isn't your party."

Taehyung makes a small whiny noise, leans his head against the brick wall. "This wasn't my idea. I don't even drink much. It was Jimin who wanted it. I never go partying with him so... this was my way of compensation."

Yoongi examines the boy's tortured face and reaches out, pats his head. "You're a good friend, Kim Taehyung."

"I try." Taehyung sighs, rubbing his neck, "I didn't know he went this crazy with the invites, though. Christ. I think I saw that hot professor in there somewhere."

"No shit?" Yoongi sputters.

"Deadass." Taehyung answers.

It's actually fucking freezing cold and they'd been crouching down longer than is comfortable and Yoongi feels like he's frozen to his spot now, but thinks, "Hey, you should get back in there soon."

Taehyung groans, shakes his head rapidly. "Noooo, don't make me go back," He complains, "You think they'll even notice if I disappear? Before I left, I saw Jackson giving Mark a blow—"

"Oh god, it was them?" Yoongi scrunches up his face in disgust. "Frat boys."

Taehyung groans as he plops down on his ass, stretching his legs in front of him with a relieved sigh. "Fuck, I'm gonna feel this tomorrow." He laughs, tilting his head back, revealing the fake tattoos on the side of his neck. Yoongi gulps.

"You sure about sitting down?" Yoongi manages to get out, "Your pants look expensive."

"I'm drunk." Taehyung retorts, rubbing his eyes, making his eye makeup smudge a little bit. Unfortunately, it only makes it look hotter. "I mean... just a little. But I am. And I'm kinda sleepy." He tilts his head to the side slightly, his eyes moving to stare at Yoongi and it's alluring, almost.

It's like he knows what he looks like. Knows what he's doing.

Yoongi licks his lips. Taehyung stares at his tongue. Looks away just as fast.

"Are you drunk?" Taehyung asks.

No. "A little." He answers.

Taehyung locks eyes with him. Yoongi doesn't look away.

Taehyung's eyes are easy to get lost in, he thinks. His eyeshadow is glittery. He has eyeliner on too and it's smudged now, at the edges. He has a mole on his nose. He's known that for a little while now but he's never seen it so up close.

Neither of them are looking away. They should be looking away any minute now, before they make a mistake, because Yoongi feels a mistake coming on. He tries to talk to himself telepathically, reminding himself that this is his friend, growing to be one of the best ones. He tells himself, he can't do this, not like this, not here. Not when Taehyung's drunk, not when he feels vulnerable, not when this is someone who's confessed to him, taken him into his home, trusted him. Not when Yoongi cares about this person but doesn't know how far that care even goes.

He can't turn this into something like one of his one night stands. It wouldn't be fair.

Taehyung trails his eyes over Yoongi's body, notices the bracelet he gifted him peeking out of his leather jacket. He feels a small, painful tinge in his chest. He's not sure if it's the good kind. But it aches.

"Hyung," Taehyung says and it comes out breathy.

The exhale that comes out of Yoongi is unsteady. His entire fucking person feels unsteady. This guy really never makes things easy for him.

"Yeah?"

"If I kissed you right now," Taehyung asks, voice low and careful, slow, eyes hooded, "Would you hate it?"

Kim Taehyung is not a man who often makes bad decisions. But he certainly feels like he's making one right now. For lots of reasons, most of them involving adrenaline, alcohol, and Yoongi looking like a rockstar who's also part of a biker gang.

He examines Yoongi's reaction, sees the way he visibly gulps, the way his eyes shake, the way they widen slightly.

Taehyung hopes he says no, he won't hate it. He also hopes he pushes him away and shakes him to his senses. He doesn't know what he wants.

At the heavy silence, Taehyung opens his mouth, about to apologize, but Yoongi beats him to it with, "Are you going to?"

Fuck, Yoongi thinks.

This is not a good idea, Taehyung's mind supplies as he grabs Yoongi by the collar.

The moment their lips meet, it's like a burst of heat in the freezing cold. It's uncomfortable, their lips feel numb, they're shivering, but Yoongi has his hands in Taehyung's hair, Taehyung's fist has the front of Yoongi's top bunched up in it, his other hand holding onto his waist. It feels so right, Taehyung thinks. I haven't felt this in so fucking long, Yoongi thinks.

And they both think, fuck, when Taehyung bites Yoongi's bottom lip, they can't seem to stop.

"Fucking," Yoongi gasps when Taehyung pushes him against the front door to his apartment, trapping him with his arms, kissing down his neck, "Get my fucking clothes off me."

"So impatient." Taehyung breathes against his collarbone, making Yoongi shiver.

God, he's hard. He's been hard the entire Uber ride to Taehyung's apartment. He's been leaking since Taehyung started palming him through his pants in the car. And then the elevator. He's sorry to that driver. But also,

"God, hyung, I love your ass." Taehyung near growls into his ear, his hands reaching down to cup Yoongi's ass, kneading his cheeks.

"Fuck," Yoongi hisses, clutching onto Taehyung's biceps, grinding against his thigh, "Hurry."

They stumble their way into Taehyung's bedroom in a lip lock, Taehyung clumsily feeling around his wall for the light switch.

When the lights flicker on, he whispers against Yoongi's lips, "I like keeping the lights on. You mind?"

Yoongi shakes his head, frantically pulling his leather jacket off. "Nah," He says, dragging Taehyung towards the bed by the front of his pants, "I like seeing."

Somehow, in the frantic frenzy, they manage to get most of their clothing off, until they're left wearing nothing but their boxers. Yoongi finds himself lying in Taehyung's bed, a little delirious, high off how turned on he is, as he looks up and sees the debauched state Taehyung is in, before they'd even done anything.

The voice in the back of his head telling him this is a bad idea is drowned out by the sound of their heavy breathing.

Taehyung just hovers over him, panting, skin flushed with arousal, tracing his hand down Yoongi's body, from down his jawline, neck, collarbones, chest, nipples, making Yoongi shiver from head to toe.

"Stop teasing me," He gasps, grabbing Taehyung by the wrist.

He smiles, amused, "You're sensitive."

"I'm horny. " Yoongi corrects, lifting his hips up as a silent demand. "Come on, you gorgeous bastard. Put your mouth to better use."

Taehyung blinks. "You're more snappy in bed."

He leans down, nips at the column of Yoongi's throat, biting, sucking and licking until he makes several red marks along his skin.

"Is this better, your highness?" He asks, pressing a gentle kiss that contrasts to what he was doing with his mouth just a second ago.

Yoongi pants, unable to use his words as Taehyung drags his hand down his body until it reaches the band of his boxers and then he slips his hand down, thinks, oh god, as he firmly grips Yoongi's cock.

He experimentally twists it, the way he usually does it to himself, to others, and it makes Yoongi keen, back arching off the bed, so artfully that Taehyung kind of wants to make a fucking life sized sculpture out of it. Use it for their end of the year art exhibition or something. Give everyone some eye candy.

"Your hands are—" Yoongi gasps, unable to finish the thought, voice catching at every stroke, one of his hands clumsily trying to tug off Taehyung's boxers to return the favor.

Taehyung's eyes catch the bracelet again, it almost makes him stop what he's doing, almost makes him come to his senses, serving as a stupid reminder that this isn't just a one night stand to him.

He pushes it out of his mind when Yoongi finally does wrap his hand around his cock, making Taehyung hiss.

He didn't realize how hard he was. Fuck, he needed that.

"What the fuck?" Yoongi exclaims, "Why the fuck is your dick this big? What the fuck."

Taehyung wants to laugh but the praise makes his dick twitch. Yoongi groans.

"How is it fucking fair—" Yoongi continues, voice unstable due to the fact that Taehyung is giving him a literal hand job, "— that you look like this and you're built like this and now even your dick—"

Yoongi gets cut off with a strangled moan, because Taehyung leans down and sucks on a nipple, before biting it as he softly rubs the leaking slit at the head of Yoongi's cock.

"I hate you." Yoongi groans, throwing his head back, a little upset because he almost cums at that. He literally almost cums at that and it's not fair. He throws an arm over his face, slightly embarrassed now at how strung out he already feels.

He hears Taehyung make a humming noise, feels his fingers tickle his palm. Yoongi scrunches up his face, lifting his hand to look at him.

And Taehyung is just... smiling at him. In the middle of this, hovering over him, hand around his cock, some sweat dripping down his temple and looking at him with an expression so tender, as he reaches down and cups the side of Yoongi's face, gently.

"Don't do that. I wanna see you."

Yoongi feels something rekindle in his chest, something he hasn't felt in so long that it feels so unfamiliar, but he recognizes it as affection.

"Taehyung," He whispers.

"Hyung?" Taehyung answers, stroking his cheek lightly.

He licks his lips. "Are you sure you want me?"

Taehyung doesn't even seem to hesitate, just leans down, presses a chaste kiss to Yoongi's lips, smiles in a way that looks a little... sad. "Are you?"

It feels like everything stops, like they're suspended in time as Yoongi thinks of an answer. Taehyung looks terrified.

Before the boy can make a move to stop everything they're doing, Yoongi rests his hand on Taehyung's nape, pulls him down for a kiss, a long one, a real one. The kind he never gives his hook-ups.

He doesn't know why he does it. He doesn't know why everything that's happened so far doesn't feel like any fucking one of his hook-ups. He tries not to think of it. Not now. He's not sure why.

But he knows he wants this.

"Hyung, do you—" Taehyung asks against his mouth, struggling to breathe, "How do you wanna do this?"

For the past three years, Yoongi's only ever topped. That was his whole thing. He only ever topped with everyone he's slept with. It wasn't for any particular reason other than that's what he felt like doing so that's what he did. But right now, lying on his back, staring up at him and feeling the size of his fucking dick in his hand, he visualizes something that hasn't felt arousing to him in a long time.

"I... wanna ride you." Yoongi exhales. "Later."

Taehyung almost cums right then and there. The breath he doesn't know he's holding in comes out as a shaky exhale. "That took you a minute to say. You don't bottom for people often?"

Yoongi groans. "Can we stop talking about this? I don't wanna talk about past sexual endeavors right now. You have condoms? Lube?"

Taehyung blindly reaches for his bedside drawer, as he pulls them out, readies them. "What the fuck do you take me for, huh?"

Taehyung does not waste his time as he traces down Yoongi's body with his mouth, licking and biting the marks he's already made, making new ones, marveling at how much of a fucking mess Yoongi looks. And it's because of him.

Finally, he makes his way down, pulls Yoongi's boxers off completely, tossing it to the floor.

He feels the way Yoongi's legs shake at the first lick to the tip, feels his own dick twitch in appreciation when he gives a long lick to Yoongi's cock, from the base to the head, before swallowing him down, earning a long, appreciative moan.

After teasing him a little, Yoongi near kicking him by the way he starts squirming, Taehyung goes down on him completely and it's hot and wet and it hits the back of his throat and Yoongi almost fucking breaks his god damn back, screaming.

Yoongi hasn't had sex in a while. Fucking sue him.

And Taehyung's good with his mouth. Really good. A pro at sucking cock. And it seems like he's fully aware of it, by the way he blinks up at Yoongi, locks eyes with him as he swirls his tongue around the head. Yoongi hisses, toes curling. He jerks and shivers, Taehyung's hands pinning him down by the hips.

Yoongi feels himself getting closer. He can't yet , he thinks, as he pulls Taehyung by the hair, "I'm gonna cum. I don't wanna—"

Taehyung looks up at him, smirking. "'Cause you wanna ride me?"

Yoongi loathes the boastful look on his face. "Yes, 'cause I wanna fucking ride you." He bites, giving Taehyung's neglected cock a few pulls, making Taehyung bite back a groan.

Taehyung crawls up, pecks Yoongi on the nose and Yoongi makes a fragile noise as he scrunches it up.

"Should I prep you?" Taehyung asks.

Yoongi eyes Taehyung's big hands and impossibly long fingers. Another thing that's unfair. He doesn't stop staring at it as he blindly reaches for the lube on top of the bedside table, handing it to the boy. "Please, please do that or so help me god."

Taehyung pours an ample amount in his hand and pulls Yoongi for another kiss, as if he can't get enough of it. He licks into him just as he pushes in the first finger. Yoongi moans as Taehyung sucks in a breath.

"Holy shit, hyung." Taehyung groans, resting his head on Yoongi's shoulder, squeezing his eyes closed, "You're gonna fucking kill me. You're so fucking tight."

"Well, are you gonna keep going or not?" Yoongi whines, shifting his hips, silently demanding. Taehyung experimentally inserts a second finger.

As Taehyung works his two fingers in, Yoongi starts lapping at his throat, sucking and leaving bruises the way Taehyung had done to him earlier, stroking Taehyung's cock lazily, as he whimpers and moans into Taehyung's tattooed neck.

It's a few seconds into Taehyung inserting the third finger that he hits a particularly sensitive spot that he'd been looking for and when he does, Yoongi's entire body tightens as he wails.

"Woah." Taehyung breathes out, staring at Yoongi like he'd just found treasure.

"Okay, that's enough, that's... that's enough with your fingers. I want your dick in me now." Yoongi says, urgent and high-pitched so Taehyung gently pulls his fingers out, lying on his back eagerly, one hand clutching onto Yoongi's thigh, the other digging into the sheets.

Yoongi didn't seem like someone inexperienced in sex. But he seemed like someone who hadn't bottomed in a while. There was a tenseness to his movements that worried Taehyung a little, so as he rolled the rubber over Taehyung's cock and spread a... very generous amount of lube over it, Taehyung stops him for a moment, holding both his hands.

Taehyung knows a lot of things about this entire situation seems romantic. He can't bring himself to care.

"Are you nervous?" Taehyung asks. "I don't want you to do this if you're nervous."

Nervous, Yoongi thinks. Sex never makes him nervous. Sex is easy to him. He knows he's shaking a little, he knows it must look bad, thinks to himself maybe it's because he hasn't had a dick in him in awhile, his body's probably begging for it at this point so he stubbornly eases himself down on Taehyung's cock and Taehyung's concerned face instantly turns into an expression of immense pleasure.

And Yoongi moans, long and loud, feeling the satisfying burn of dick in his ass for the first time in forever.

"Jesus fuck." Taehyung grits out, gasping when Yoongi is fully seated.

He knows his face probably looks all screwed up, but he doesn't even have the mind to cover it, both his hands gripping onto Yoongi's milky white thighs, reaching back and slightly stretching his ass cheeks apart. Yoongi hisses at the sting, but loves it. Taehyung can tell.

Yoongi feels electricity run down his spine, feels the pool of heat in his gut, the ache in his ass and the throbbing at the tip of his cock and he moans, starts moving in earnest, forward, backward, up, down, he knows he's not gonna last long, not at all, and hopes to fucking god that Taehyung doesn't either.

Taehyung jerks his hips upward, meeting him halfway, moaning in unison with him and Yoongi has to literally bite his tongue so he can focus on that pain and avoid a certain angle just so he doesn't cum in seven god damn seconds.

When suddenly, Taehyung urgently wraps his hand around Yoongi's cock, making him choke on his breath, says, "Hyung, I'm so fucking close, just—"

They find a rhythm, hard and fast, it's unbearably intense and Taehyung is moaning out choked combinations of swear words and what sounds like his name or 'hyung' or something, but Yoongi's sort of lost his sense of hearing so he can't be sure. Taehyung's back arches off the bed, his grip on Yoongi's thighs deathly, definitely enough to leave nail marks and bruises.

He's caught off guard when Taehyung turns them around, flips them over with a frustrated growl.

With a surprised gasp, Yoongi's back hits the bed and Taehyung is pounding into him, pushing Yoongi's legs further apart by the back of his thighs and his speed is unforgiving and the new angle has Yoongi seeing fucking stars behind his eyelids.

"Shit. Holy fuck. Oh my god, fuck," Yoongi moans, gripping onto the sheets under him, practically ripping them off the matress.

"Oh god, hyung, shit—" Taehyung gasps, "Yoongi hyung," He moans, hand frantically tugging on Yoongi's leaking cock, "I can't— oh god, I'm gonna fucking cum."

"Oh god, fuck, don't fucking stop " Yoongi moans so loud that it's almost a scream, "Tae, fuck, I'm gonna cum so fucking hard. Fuck , I'm coming—"

And he's coming the longest and hardest he's ever cum in what feels like forever, making a mess all over both their stomachs.

It's the view of Yoongi orgasming, arching his back, dick twitching, screaming , that has Taehyung's stomach coiling, toes curling, as he pounds into him a few more times, deep, fast, hard, until he shivers from head to toe and lets go, moaning loud and unrestrained into Yoongi's shoulder.

It's when Taehyung's spent body collapses on top of him, as they're both catching their breaths, Yoongi running his fingers up and down Taehyung's back, feeling their heartbeats against each other, their eyes closing, fighting sleep, because they knew they still had to clean up, it's then that Yoongi realizes what exactly those pre-sex nerves were.

This couldn't have been just one of his hook-ups. There was a reason he never bottomed for anyone.

It wasn't a conscious thought, probably something in the back of his head that made it feel wrong, as if it would be a sin.

He realizes it probably wasn't just about feeling like doing it tonight. It probably wasn't just about long fingers and big dicks. It probably wasn't just about alcohol. Why the fuck would he suddenly want to bottom for someone like that? He doesn't do that with just anyone.

Because before tonight, he'd only ever done it with Jungkook.

When Taehyung wakes up in the morning, the space beside him is empty and he finds a personalized necklace, a cartoon pork bun pendant hanging from a silver chain, resting on his pillow with a short note written on a small birthday card.

Happy birthday, Tae. This also reminded me of you.

And in rushed handwriting, as if he'd just added it last minute, just two words written in the bottom corner.

I'm sorry

__

Yoongi sits on his couch, half naked, covered in hickeys, feeling like a kid being put on time out after he tells his friends what exactly happened the night before.

The three of them just stare at him, looking like disappointed parents after going to a parent teacher conference and seeing their son's grades. Yoongi lowers his head, rubbing his shoulder awkwardly, because he knows he fucked up even without them having to say anything. Their eyes were saying more than enough.

"Hyung," Hoseok starts and he already sounds stressed, "You can't... you can't just do that. Especially not to someone who's your friend! Our friend!"

"Also, do you realize how shitty it is to give someone who openly likes you a gift like that and then leaving a note fucking apologizing for sleeping with him?" Namjoon adds, rubbing his temples, half out of frustration and half because of his hangover, "Hyung. Come on."

Yoongi bites his tongue, knowing there was no defending himself from this, no excuses coming to mind even when he tries to think of some, just to convince himself that he wasn't completely a dick.

Seokjin doesn't even try to berate him, doesn't say anything, doesn't give advice the way he usually does. Because he takes one look at Yoongi and knows that he knows exactly what he'd done. He didn't need to be told what he did was shitty, because he seemed fully aware it was shitty.

So, he asks, has to ask, "Why the hell did you do it?"

Yoongi looks up at that, locks eyes with his best friends, the only ones he's ever had in the world, been there for him through the worst parts of his life, when he was at his lowest, when he was treating people shitty enough that even he would've walked out on himself.

But they didn't. They never did. And Yoongi thinks, he owes them an answer. He owes it to them to do his best even when he's not sure what his best is, at this point.

"I..." He starts and his voice comes out weaker than he intended, "The thing is... I like him."

The three keep staring, waiting for more, the confession not surprising them in the slightest.

"I slept with him because I wanted to, I don't regret it and I..." Yoongi cuts himself off, hides his face in his hands, rubbing it in frustration, "I know I fucked up. It hurt him, of course it did. It was shitty. But I don't regret sleeping with him. I care about him. And I like him, I... I'm more sure of that now."

He stops talking, presses his hands together, staring at a wall, gathering his thoughts. He feels tears prickle in his eyes and he has to blink them away, he doesn't wanna cry, he doesn't even know what the fuck he'd be crying about.

"So, if you have that figured out," Seokjin presses, leaning forward, "What are you making this so fucking complicated for?"

The silence after that question is long and weighted, the three friends waiting for an answer to a question that deep down, they already knew the answer to. Because it was always the same answer. It's been the same answer, always.

"I fucking bottomed for him." Yoongi says finally.

The three of his friends blink. It's not what they were expecting, to say the least. "Uh-huh."

"I haven't done that for anyone since Jungkook." He finishes.

Oh. There it is.

There's a silence after that, the looks they give him meaningful, scared for him, concerned about him.

"Jungkook..." Yoongi says under his breath, before hanging his head and burying it in his knees, "What the hell am I gonna do about Jungkook?"

__

CODE RED: SH NOW

Taehyung had sent that text to Jimin thirty minutes ago, sitting in their little clubhouse wearing nothing but jeans and a grubby shirt. He hadn't even bothered to take a proper shower. He probably looked like a drunkard. He was fucking freezing. Jesus christ.

He reaches up, touches the pendant resting on his chest, a cute little pork bun with a cartoonish smiley face. He plays with it between his thumb and forefinger, staring at the note in his other hand, reading the I'm sorry over and over until his eyes burn from both the lack of sleep and all the obsessing over it.

Jimin arrives in a huge padded coat, his hair a mess, eye makeup not even properly removed, panting and searching their hideout with crazed eyes until they land on Taehyung sitting in a corner, blankly staring at a small card like a crazy person. He thinks, oh god. He's lost him.

"You fucker, what happened?" Jimin asks in a panic, rushing to Taehyung and grabbing him by his sides, examining his face and body, "You just disappeared! You didn't even text! When I got home this morning, you weren't there! You wouldn't answer my calls! I was about to call the fucking police! And you just text me a code red for the first time in years? Dude, why are there fucking marks on your—"

"Yoongi hyung and I had sex." Taehyung announces, cutting Jimin's rampage short.

Jimin's voice dies in his throat, nothing but a wheeze coming out of his half open mouth. His grip on Taehyung's arms tighten. "You... you had sex?"

Taehyung nods, expressionless in a way that was kind of scaring Jimin. "Last night. We went back to the apartment and had sex. That's why we disappeared."

Jimin just freezes, looks at him for a long time with pursed lips, before closing his eyes, releasing a long and heavy sigh, his body relaxing as he crawls to sit beside his friend. "Don't you ever, ever scare me like that again, you hear me?"

Taehyung turns and smiles weakly, resting his head on Jimin's shoulder. "M'sorry. I didn't mean to."

Jimin eyes the card in Taehyung's hand, looks up at the boy. "You just had sex with the guy you like. Why do you look so miserable then?"

Taehyung hums, flicks the card with his fingers. "He was gone in the morning and left me a note saying he's sorry."

Jimin blinks. "I'm gonna kill him."

Taehyung laughs out of his nose, a soft exhale, feels Jimin rest his cheek on top of his head.

"I'm not mad at him," He sighs, "I saw it coming. I saw it coming before we did it. Before I even kissed him."

"It's still a dick move." Jimin retorts, resting his hand on top of Taehyung's. "It's a shitty thing to do. He knows you like him. He shouldn't have done it if he was gonna run. That's taking advantage of you. That's playing with your feelings."

Taehyung adjusts his hand, palm up, so they can link fingers. He's always been thankful for Jimin. He was always on his side. When anyone did anything wrong to him, hurt him even in the slightest, Jimin was always angrier for him. Almost as if Taehyung's pain was his own. Taehyung understood. He felt the same way about him.

"I know." Taehyung nods, "It is. But I knew he'd do it. I let him, anyway. I'm not mad. I get it."

"Tch. I hate how nice you are to everyone." Jimin huffs, "They don't deserve it sometimes, you know."

Taehyung smiles, closes his eyes, rubbing his cheek against Jimin's shoulder. "This one does. I know it. And I'm not mad at him, even if I know you are."

When he unconsciously reaches for his pork bun pendant, Jimin's eyes follow it. "Is that from him?"

Taehyung purses his lips, squeezes it in his hand. "Their lead vocalist was named Jungkook. Yoongi hyung was in love with him." He says, "I think they were in love with each other."

Jimin sighs heavily. "Ex baggage?"

Taehyung nods.

"Ex baggage. It seems heavy." He says, staring ahead, "It seems... I don't know. There's just something off about it."

"Why?"

"I stalked Yoongi hyung's Facebook." Taehyung explains, releasing a self-deprecatory laugh, "— you know, out of desperation to see who it was he used to be so head over heels for that he can't seem to fall like that again. I searched his photos and... he was in a lot of them, Chim. Past high school, middle school, fucking... elementary school pictures. It goes way back to when they were fucking toddlers."

Jimin's stomach drops, realizing the weight, realizing that this wasn't just some typical cheating story. They'd known each other. Really, truly, from the beginning of time, they knew each other.

And now Yoongi can't even talk about him. None of them can seem to talk about him. He wonders what could've happened, what ruined something that ran that deep, when they'd known each other long enough to be family.

"But... why is it off?"

"Jungkook doesn't even have a fucking Facebook." Taehyung finishes off. "Couldn't find him at all on social media. He doesn't have a fucking digital footprint other than anything under JK."

A beat of silence.

"That is weird."

"Right?"

Jimin licks his lips. "So... what are you thinking?"

Taehyung mulls it over, staring at the card again, can't seem to stop staring at it. "Nothing, for now."

Jimin sputters. "What the hell do you mean nothing?"

"I mean, I think he does like me." Jimin closes his mouth at that. "No, I..." Taehyung continues, looking down at the pendant, "I know he does. It's not that he doesn't feel anything for me."

Taehyung recalls all the ways Yoongi has looked at him, from when they first met, to all the afternoons they spent sitting in their stairwell, to that night they screamed at the top of their lungs, to the way he was staring at Taehyung like he'd never seen anyone so beautiful, that night he hummed his song, the way he looked at him last night, so pretty and pliant in his arms. Like he trusted him completely, for just a moment.

"It's that he doesn't want to let himself."

__

Just when Yoongi works up the nerve to send Taehyung a message asking to talk, it's Taehyung who sends one first, to their group chat. He sends a bunch of dumb stickers, flooding it until it gets annoying, and asks if anyone wants to hang with him and Jimin at their place since apparently, his aunt passed by and brought them a bunch of home cooked food.

Just as he reads it, he hears Namjoon yell from the living room, saying, "We're going whether you like it or not! Talk to him or else, hyung! Consequences!"

Hoseok and Seokjin send him messages personally too, Hoseok sending a 'Fighting!' sticker and Seokjin with a very supportive, 'Get your shit together, okay? '

Unsurprisingly, he also gets one from Jimin telling him, 'dude i don't know what is going on in ur head because i don't know ur life but u need to get it together bro'

Yoongi sighs, tossing his phone to the side. He does need to get it together.

He stares at the ceiling, wondering what it means when you commit a hit and run on one of your closest friends who's confessed he likes you and a few days later, said friend just texts the group chat like nothing happened.

Does it mean he still has to apologize? Does it mean Taehyung might... have just seen it as a one night stand? Despite everything, he doesn't want Taehyung to think that was just a hook-up. It wasn't.

Shit , does this mean that maybe Yoongi's just overthinking this whole thing? Did Taehyung maybe not like him as much as he thought and—

"I can hear you thinking, hyung!" Namjoon yells again, "And yes, you still have to talk to him!"

Yoongi rolls over and screams into his pillow.

The six of them sit in Taehyung and Jimin's living room, sharing a very large bowl of black bean noodles and several cans of beer. Taehyung is talking animatedly about Everglow's new comeback, Hoseok is nodding enthusiastically at Taehyung's commentary on their superior choreography, Jimin is attempting to take an Instagram story of their food, Seokjin is simply listening to them talk, adding comments here and there, announcing that his bias, for their information, is Yiren, and Namjoon sits... suspiciously quiet, staring at his phone screen like he's stressed. Yoongi assumes it's one of his professors acting up again and giving them more work. Namjoon's been losing his mind these days over god knows what.

And Yoongi... to say he's confused would be an understatement. As far as he was concerned, usually when someone runs off on you after sex, you wouldn't particularly want to be around them anymore. Yet here Taehyung is, literally right next to him, leaning into him whenever he laughs a little too hard.

Earlier, when the door swung open, Yoongi had his heart in his throat, not sure how to greet someone you did something really fucking shitty to. But Taehyung had just smiled at him, not even a forced one, and dragged him in by the wrist.

Yoongi wonders again. Was he the only one losing his mind over it?

"You know," Hoseok says, after rewatching the Everglow music video on Taehyung's phone, "I've always wanted to work with a girl group. Like, I don't even care whether it's choreographing for them or producing. Just give it to me. I'm ready."

Yoongi smirks, holding back a laugh as Hoseok attempts to imitate the chorus. "No one's stopping you, Seok-ah. Reach for your fucking dreams."

"I didn't know you still worked on music, hyung!" Jimin comments, leaning forward to meet his eyes, "I thought you guys didn't anymore."

"As a group, no." Seokjin explains, cracking open another can of beer, making a satisfying click noise, "But individually, we all still dabble in it. S'not like you stop loving it just because you don't do it as much anymore, you know?"

Taehyung's eyes move towards Yoongi worrisomely, but he doesn't show any signs of discomfort so he inwardly relaxes.

After his talk with Jimin, he decided he'd have to talk to Yoongi, eventually. He needed to tell him that it wasn't just a one time thing for him, he needed to tell him that he doesn't just like him anymore, it's not just some small crush, it's not something he can just carry around like it's nothing, especially after what happened. He needed to ask him how he felt about him, what it was, if it meant something to him. Because if it didn't, then that sucks. He shouldn't have done it, he'd need time to recover from it, forgive him, but that eventually, they could be friends. He'd want to still be friends.

More importantly, he needs to ask about his music. He needs to ask about Jungkook. He needs real answers.

But for now, he decides he's okay with being patient, taking it step by step, especially as he observes the way Yoongi seems to curl into himself every time Taehyung so much as looks at him. Knowing that it bothers him, knowing that he's thinking about it, for now, that's enough.

He turns his attention back to his friends.

Yoongi's heartbeat rises at the way Taehyung leans towards him unconsciously, head nearly resting on his shoulder. He eyes Taehyung's fingers wrapped around his beer can, droplets of liquid running down his skin. Yoongi fights the urge to lean down and lick them. He looks up again at Taehyung's expression, thinks, how?

Was he really the only one losing his mind right now?

"You still do music too, hyung?" Taehyung asks, looking at Seokjin.

Seokjin takes a big bite of his noodles, nodding at him with his cheeks puffed up, sauce smeared on the side of his lips. "Once in a while, yeah. I don't think I work on it as much as Namjoon does, though. He's probably the only one left who's still consistently working on music among us."

"Oh, really?"

Everyone's attention turns to Namjoon and it's only then that they notice his demeanor. Yoongi gapes.

In the middle of friendly conversation, while no one was paying any attention to him, he'd managed to chug three cans of beer down and had inhaled all of his noodles. He'd gotten the biggest bowl. His hair was a mess, his eyes were crazed and he was staring at his phone like it was an abomination.

"Namjoon-ah," Yoongi starts, setting his beer and bowl down on the table. "You've been fucking weird. What is wrong with you today?"

"What?" Namjoon's head shoots up, tense, staring at everyone nervously, blinking. "What? Me? Weird? No, I'm not."

Hoseok chews, blinks back at him. "Dude, your hair is all oily. Did you even shower today?" He leans forward, sniffs, leans back with a scandalized expression. "You smell like something died in you."

Namjoon scans his friends faces, closes his eyes, and releases a long breath. He then locks gazes with Yoongi.

Yoongi pauses. He raises his eyebrows. "What's that look?"

"Please don't get upset." Namjoon pleads.

Yoongi makes a face, taken aback. "What? Why would I get upset?" He pinches his thigh, nervously, "What the hell did you do?"

Namjoon squirms in his position, sits up like he's putting his life on the line here. It's scaring Yoongi. It looks like it's scaring everyone else too.

"Listen," He sighs, "My brother's been texting me these days."

Jesus. Namjoon had a brother, he'd almost forgotten about that. Namjoon's family had always been kinda weird. It wasn't bad, necessarily, not anymore, just weird.

Namjoon's family grew up in poverty, mainly due to their dad. It took awhile for his father to act like a father. Growing up, his family had mostly relied on Namjoon's older brother. Namjoon had found it easier to be on good terms with their dad eventually, but his older brother never could. Never truly forgave him, although he tried. He'd moved out as soon as he was stable enough and after that, barely ever visited.

He and Namjoon stayed in touch the most, met up once in a while, but they were kind of distant. His brother was loaded, too. He owned a famous bar in Hongdae where all the good indie musicians always came to play. He'd send Namjoon money, whenever they were running on a particularly tight budget.

They were distant but Namjoon loved his brother. Namjoon's brother loved him too.

"Sejoon hyung?" Seokjin asks, raising his eyebrows, "I haven't heard from him in a fucking minute. Is he okay? Is something wrong?"

Yoongi fucking hopes not and Hoseok looks just as worried. They used to love Sejoon. He always shared his few toys with them when they were kids.

"No, he..." Namjoon stutters, playing with the tissue on the table, "He's been doing this side hustle, helping out a friend manage this... I don't know, it's some small concert thing, gives exposure to aspiring musicians, or whatever."

Yoongi knows where this is going. He starts feeling queasy.

"He really wants us to perform at the bar." Namjoon finishes. "He said he misses our music."

The tension is so palpable they could cut it with a knife. The way Namjoon is looking at Yoongi, it almost seems like he's going to explode at any second. Seokjin's trying to focus on anything but the situation at hand, looking around the room like it's suddenly the most interesting interior he's ever seen, and Hoseok still has noodles in his mouth that he isn't chewing.

Jimin and Taehyung look at each other, knowing the curiosity is starting to kill them. Taehyung turns to Yoongi.

Yoongi thinks about it. Really thinks about it. And no matter how he looked at it, he couldn't picture himself standing on a stage. How could he stand there and perform in front of a crowd as if he hasn't been stuck on three measly lines for the past three years? How could he stand on stage and pretend that it's not hurting him every second that he's there? How could he just go back to it, just like that? After everything? How could he perform his music without the person he started it with, the person he wrote music for. Was that fair?

He wanted to do it. In his heart, he knew he wanted to do it. It's always been his dream, ever since, for as long as he could remember. To be on stage.

He can't do it.

But he looks at his friends' faces and he knows they want it. He can see in their eyes how much they miss making music together, how they yearn for it everyday, still. The only thing holding them back was him. He knew. He hated everyday that he was their burden to bear.

His fists are clenched as he says, "Well, you guys can do it, right?"

It's weird, Yoongi thinks, how he almost sees the way everyone's hearts sink altogether.

"What?" Namjoon's voice is pitifully small.

"Well... Jin hyung can do Jungkook's parts. You can cover my parts. Hoseok can help. You can do it, right?" Yoongi ignores the way his voice is cracking all over.

"Hyung," Hoseok starts, looking at him, "Hyung, come on, you know we're not doing it without you."

Yoongi shakes his head, clenches his fists harder. These were usually one of the times that Taehyung would slip his hand in his, grounding him. He doesn't this time.

"I'm not doing it, Seok-ah. I can't."

"Well, then... that's that." Seokjin says, turning to face Namjoon. "Tell him we're not doing it."

"What? No," Yoongi shakes his head, objecting, "Why do you guys keep pushing the responsibility on me? There are four of us here. Losing one doesn't mean much. We have two other rappers. It's doable."

"You know it's not about that, hyung." Namjoon presses, locking eyes with him. "You know that better than anyone. We're not getting on stage without you."

"Stop doing that!" Yoongi exclaims and he knows he's raising his voice now, but he can't help it. He's tired. He's frustrated. At them? At himself? He's not sure. "Stop... stop making me feel like I'm holding all of you back! You're free to do whatever you want! I'm not stopping you! Why the fuck are you putting your dreams on hold for me? You think it's helping me?"

Taehyung feels the situation is about to get ugly before it gets ugly.

"Yoongi," Seokjin says his name like he's tired, like he's had enough. Yoongi understands. He feels the same way, "Jesus, do you really not get it?"

"Get what?" He spits.

Seokjin is yelling now, he's yelling for real, and Taehyung can tell this has happened before, because the looks on Hoseok and Namjoon's faces seem worried, as if some sort of history is about to repeat itself.

"We're not putting our dreams on hold for you, what the fuck are you talking about? Hoseok still dances, still makes music! So do I! Namjoon does too! None of us have ever put our lives on hold for you! We want to do this with you because you're putting your life on hold for someone who's gone!"

Jesus fuck, Taehyung thinks. Jesus, what the hell is going on?

Yoongi shuts his eyes, shakes his head. "Shut up."

"Don't you get it? We're not trying to make you feel guilty, Yoongi. We're your fucking friends. We want what's best for you. We want you to be happy. That's all we've ever wanted for you. That's all Jungkook's ever wanted for you."

"Shut up." Yoongi repeats, clenching his fists so tightly that Taehyung's scared they'll create wounds.

Jungkook again, Taehyung thinks. What exactly fucking happened with Jungkook?

Jimin sitting next to him, rests his hand on Taehyung's knee, squeezes. Taehyung can tell he's scared too.

"You need to let go, hyung." Namjoon says, his voice barely a whisper, but loud enough for everyone to hear in the deafening silence of the room. "It's been three years. You're unhappy because you won't allow yourself to feel any way else."

Yoongi sits there, staring at his shaking hands for a few seconds, before he says, "That's enough."

He stands up without raising his head to look at anyone, his three friends similarly staring at the ground, Taehyung and Jimin waiting for the tension to break.

When it doesn't, Yoongi murmurs a low, almost inaudible 'Sorry' to Taehyung and Jimin, before speed walking out of the apartment.

Namjoon and Hoseok's heads swivel around, calling after him panickedly, Seokjin sighs in defeat, collapsing back into his seat. He groans into his hands.

"Fuck, I'm sorry." Seokjin mumbles, voice all muffled, "I shouldn't have pushed him to his limit."

"No, hyung." Hoseok shakes his head, resting a comforting hand on his thigh. "I think he needed that."

"What the hell was that?" Taehyung breathes out, looking more lost than ever.

Because he knew Jungkook was important to him. He seemed important to all of them. But that didn't look like a fight caused by just any bad breakup, whether it be a band breakup or a relationship breakup. It was more than ex baggage. It felt more than that.

"Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"

Namjoon seems to take pity on him, apologizing to him with his eyes, before he turns to Hoseok and says, "Hey. We need to go after him. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." He looks at Seokjin meaningfully, "Hyung...?"

"Yeah." Seokjin exhales, nodding understandingly, "I get it."

With that, Hoseok and Namjoon dash out the apartment to go after Yoongi, which leaves Jimin and Taehyung turning all their attention to Seokjin.

Jimin stays silent, looks at Taehyung, knows that this is a conversation he needs to lead. So, he does.

"Hyung," Taehyung croaks, careful, "Who's Jungkook... exactly?"

When Seokjin smiles, it's the saddest one Taehyung's ever seen on his face. He doesn't like it.

"Jeon Jungkook. He was JK. BTS' main vocalist. Our youngest, too. He was born in the same year as you two. You would've gotten along."

Taehyung's chest suddenly aches at that. "Were he... he and Yoongi hyung..."

"They were only dating for a year." Seokjin explains, "But they'd known each other a long time. Longer than the rest of us. They were the first ones who met, the rest of us just followed. I..."

Taehyung waits, wringing his hands together, nervous for some reason.

"They brought out the best in each other, but they brought out the worst in each other too." Seokjin says and his voice is shaking, like he's about to cry, "When two people who are so angry, who hold so much pain and resentment inside of them, feel something so intensely for each other, it becomes something too big to handle."

"They were so young and the only way they knew how to handle their pain was to get angry and they were always angry. And they took it out on each other." He continues, "When they were happy... they were really happy. And they were mad, they were really mad. They'd known each other their whole lives, never felt the need to hide who they were, how they felt... I'd never seen two people so perfect for each other, in both the best and worst possible ways."

Taehyung doesn't understand.

"They inspired each other," Seokjin says, his eyes glistening with a memory that Taehyung doesn't have, "— but in the end, when two people who are so angry and in pain, can't let go of it... no matter how much they care about each other, it can only ever end in flames."

Taehyung holds his breath.

"Yoongi was young. Jungkook was younger. Life wasn't easy on either of them. They loved each other with all they had... but couldn't make the pain go away."

Taehyung's throat feels dry and scratchy, he's crying now, for a reason he doesn't understand, like he knows there's something more, something important that he's missing.

"Did Jungkook break up with him, hyung?" Taehyung asks, voice hushed. "Is that why he can't make music anymore?"

The silence is deafening. When Seokjin speaks again, Taehyung's ears ring.

"Jungkook killed himself three years ago."

__

Everything Seokjin had told him echoed in his mind, his vision was blurry, his ears still ringing as he power walked down the stairs.

"Taehyung, we have a fucking elevator!" Jimin yells, calling out to him from their front door.

Taehyung can't wait for a fucking elevator.

He starts running, inhaling, exhaling, deep breaths, he thinks. He can't take the elevator. He needs to do something with his pent up nerves. He needs to do something about how much he's shaking. He needs to do something about how it all suddenly makes sense and instead of making everything better, it makes it worse.

Taehyung had no clue. No fucking idea. Yoongi was carrying that around, all this time, every goddamn day, and hadn't said a word.

He needs to see Yoongi, he thinks. He needs to see him and knock some sense into him. He needs to see him and tell him, the answer to his pain is the thing that's been causing him pain in itself.

By the time he reaches the bottom of the staircase, makes his way outside, he realizes he's barefoot and wearing nothing but pajama pants and a shirt big enough to be a dress. He hears yelling somewhere not far, somewhere behind the wall, and he thinks, oh god, those voices are familiar, and then oh god, they're in the middle of a screaming match outside their fucking apartment.

His ears are still ringing. His vision is still blurry. He's pretty sure he's still crying. Yoongi needs to hear him out.

When they come into view, it's not a pretty picture. If Taehyung were in the mood to make light of the situation, he'd say, it looked like a renaissance painting.

Yoongi and Namjoon were going at each other, yelling curse words, and seemingly two seconds away from actually throwing hands. Hoseok stands in between the two of them, arms stretched out, distancing them from each other, pleading with them to calm down, that they're in public.

It's Yoongi who throws the first punch. That's when Taehyung runs towards them, screaming at them to calm down. Yoongi doesn't even seem to see him as he lashes out even in Taehyung's firm grip, growling at him to let him go. It doesn't take long for security to get involved.

The ride to Namjoon and Yoongi's apartment in the police car is eerily silent.

Taehyung sits in the passenger seat, the four friends bunched together like angry sardines in the back. Taehyung hadn't gotten hurt, but the three of them ended up with bruised faces and knuckles. Taehyung had never seen them that angry.

When Seokjin had arrived at the station with Jimin, he looked pissed. Are we still in high school for you guys to have a fist fight outdoors in broad daylight, he hissed. Start acting like adults, all of you.

Taehyung wants to say he doesn't understand why a conversation about music had gotten so out of hand. But he does. He swallows the lump in his throat.

Jungkook killed himself three years ago. And Yoongi blamed himself.

Taehyung steadies his breathing, closes his eyes, leaning against the headrest.

He was the one who found him.

The ride is a blur. No one speaks, not even the officer, probably sensing the mood. It wasn't just tense and angry. It was unbearably sad. Taehyung fights back tears the entire way there.

When they step out of the car, his four hyungs stretching their arms and legs, groaning, the police officers tell them to stay out of trouble, and they bow at him politely.

They're silent as they make their way into the lobby, ignoring everyone's curious stares, noticing their shabby demeanor. They're silent when they get in the elevator, avoiding each other's eyes. Taehyung can tell they're still angry, there's still a lot to be said and settled, but they're tired. Exhausted down to the bone.

As they make their way in, Taehyung knows the four of them are probably gonna have a conversation, he probably shouldn't be here for that, but thinks, Yoongi needs to hear this. He needs to know.

"What are you still doing here?" Yoongi asks, voice hoarse, face... beaten down.

Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin settle down on the couch behind them, sinking into it, probably taking a moment to recharge from what just happened.

"We need to talk." Taehyung says, pushing down his fear.

Yoongi's eyes widened, as if he'd just remembered something, something important.

He opens his mouth, then closes it, scratching the back of his head. "I know," He sighs, "But... can it wait? I'm just—"

"Not about that." Taehyung says in a rush, "This isn't about that."

The two of them stand there, by the door, their friends just watching them from the back, probably worried another fight is about to break out, right after getting into trouble for the last one.

Yoongi breathes through his nose. "If you're gonna try to argue with me about performing," He says icily, "— I'd really rather not hear it anymore, okay?"

Taehyung is stubborn.

He's always been, but this time, even while knowing he should probably step down if he wants to avoid a mess, he doesn't. "Why?"

Yoongi's face hardens. "Taehyung."

Taehyung knows he's crossing the invisible line they'd set from the first time they became friends, from the beginning of whatever it is they had between them, but he doesn't care anymore. This wasn't about that anymore. This wasn't about his feelings. This was just about Yoongi.

"No, answer me, hyung. Why?"

"Don't start." Yoongi grits out, turning away from him, "Don't act like you can tell me how to feel. You weren't there. You don't know anything."

And Taehyung thinks, he's right. He wasn't there. He doesn't get to tell Yoongi how to feel. He doesn't know anything. But he does know a few things.

He knows that Hoseok, Namjoon, and Seokjin had spent years trying to get through to him, and it probably involved a lot of hitting and yelling, fighting and silent treatments. He knows Yoongi's probably tired of hearing the same things, things he already knows, things he's gone over a million times in his own head, being thrown back at him. He knows it was probably hard on his friends too, because while building Yoongi back up, they were trying to hold themselves up too. They were Jungkook's friends too. He knows Yoongi's pain didn't start with Jungkook's death, it only deepened. That all this probably started way back then, turning into a wound that will never fully heal. He knows Yoongi has scratched and clawed his way to this point, that it may not seem like it all the time, Yoongi may not believe it himself, but he's better. He's gotten better and maybe the load isn't lighter, but he's learned how to carry it. He knows it's not that Yoongi can't move on, he has, and he feels guilty for it. He doesn't think he's allowed to.

He doesn't know Jungkook. But he knows Yoongi.

He doesn't yell at him. He doesn't speak on things he can't be sure of. He does things the only way he knows how.

With heart.

Taehyung steps forward, raises his shaking hands, and cradles Yoongi's face. "Listen to me, okay?"

He doesn't demand. He asks, gently.

Yoongi stares at him, eyes wide and watery.

"The first time I ever heard your music, I was a sophomore. It was a song called So Far Away. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing Friday last week. But I remember that moment, vividly. It was the third night after my uncle passed away, I was lying in bed, staring at the wall, just listening. I kept listening and had it on repeat for the next two weeks. Hyung, it was the only thing that would make me fall asleep. I hadn't slept in 48 hours."

Yoongi's bottom lip quivers.

"I didn't know Jungkook, hyung, but for that... for comforting me during a really fucking dark time, I'll owe him for the rest of my life." Taehyung sniffs, his hold on Yoongi's face, firm. "And I'll owe you for the rest of my life. You, Hoseok hyung, Namjoon hyung, Seokjin hyung, all of you, your music. I'll be thankful, always. I understand if it hurts you, I understand if it's hard, I understand if it feels like the world keeps turning but you're stuck, but... music can't touch people like that, if it doesn't mean just as much to the person who creates it."

Taehyung can see the others gaping at him from the corner of his eyes, but he doesn't care. Keeps going because he knows if he stops now, he'll never get it out.

"I'm not saying this because I like you. I'm not saying this because... I want something out of it. I'm saying this because I'm your friend, because I care about you, and because it's true." Taehyung says, steadfast, "I don't know why you blame yourself so much and why you can't forgive yourself, because I wasn't there. And I didn't know Jungkook... so I can't tell you if he blames you and if he does, if he's forgiven you for it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you couldn't say goodbye. I'm sorry no one can give you the answers you need. I'm sorry if that's something you have to carry with you for the rest of your life. But if you'd let me, maybe I can carry half."

Tears start spilling down Yoongi's cheeks at this, and he lowers his eyes, swallowing back a sob.

"There's only two things I know about him, even without having met him." Taehyung continues, determination unwavering even as his voice shakes, "It's that he loved music... and more than anything, he loved you."

He presses their foreheads together, the tips of their noses touching. Taehyung only realizes he's crying too when he sees his own tears drop to the ground.

"Hyung," He whispers, pleading with him, "Live his share."

Taehyung finally breaks down outside the elevator. He doesn't know exactly what he's crying for. For Yoongi? For himself? Maybe for both of them. He doesn't know. He cries for Yoongi, for all the pain he's endured that he didn't deserve, for getting the one thing he loved ripped away from him, taking his music along with him, never even getting the chance to say goodbye. He cries for himself, selfishly, maybe, he thinks. He cries because he knows what they have is a love he'll never be able to compete with, and doesn't want to compete with, a big part of Yoongi that he'll never share.

More than anything else, he cries for Jungkook. A kid who was so young, would've been his age, a boy Taehyung could've met, could've easily befriended. He cries because he was just a kid. And the world didn't give him a fighting chance.

After Taehyung leaves, the four of them are left staring into space for an amount of time that none of them could recount if asked.

It's Yoongi who breaks the silence with a sniff and a determined look on his face, announces,

"I'll do it."

The speed in which their heads turn is almost extraordinary.

Yoongi's gaze is hard. "But we're doing this my way, you understand?"

It's a phrase he used to say all the time, back in high school, with a fiery passion and drive in his eyes that rivaled the sun. They nearly cry at the sight of that same expression on his face, not having seen it in so long.

"Hope-ah," He calls out, wiping his cheeks, "Can you still play the drums?"

__

Give me time. Please don't stop liking me yet. We'll talk. I promise.

It's been a little over three weeks since he'd seen Yoongi. Since he'd received that text. The holiday season was over, but the weather remained cold, and as much as he loves the winter, Taehyung's already starting to itch for spring.

They don't cut contact completely, no. A few times a week, Yoongi will send him something. Usually, a picture. Sometimes, it's what he's eating for breakfast. Sometimes, a picture of one of the guys sleeping. Taehyung's personal favorites are his photos of sunrises and sunsets. Taehyung doesn't know why, but seems like Yoongi's been staying up 'til dawn these days. It's worrying, but he tries not to think about it. Yesterday, he'd been sent a picture of Hoseok eating Doritos.

He did text updates too. Short ones, but usually something funny. This morning, it was Namjoon just tripped over my boxers and stubbed his toe and now he's actually injured lol whoops.

Taehyung misses him a lot.

"You holding up okay?" Jimin asks, sitting down beside Taehyung's head. Taehyung looks up and sees Jimin's face, upside down.

He giggles. "You look kinda ugly from down here."

"I'll kick you off." Jimin threatens. "You know I will."

Taehyung sighs dramatically, stretching his arms out, resting his hands on Jimin's lap.

"What is he even thinking about for this long?" Taehyung whines, "I didn't ask him to be my boyfriend or anything. I wouldn't ask that from him. Not after everything Jin hyung told me. You think he got too overwhelmed? Should I not have said all that?"

Jimin chuckles, running a hand through Taehyung's locks, "Tae, baby, we've gone through this a hundred times. You did the right thing. You did a really good thing. I know so. Hoseok hyung told me so."

The three weeks have been torture for Taehyung, but at the same time, he felt grateful for it. He needed it just as much as Yoongi did, time to think things over, think about what his feelings mean, and how he feels about what he found out. There were still lots of things to uncover, an entire life that Yoongi had lived that Taehyung doesn't know about, that he knows he'll probably never know completely, but he wants to learn as much as he can.

If it was Yoongi, he wanted to try.

During the three weeks that he gave himself time to think his feelings over, he'd only really realized one thing. Jungkook changed a lot of things about how Taehyung thought, but it didn't change how he feels.

Ah, he'd realized, after one particularly long night of reflecting and crying a little bit while listening to So Far Away, I really do wanna be with him, huh.

"Then..." Taehyung starts, looking up at his friend, "Why hasn't he properly talked to me in three weeks?"

Jimin hums, looks away from Taehyung. "I don't know. Who knows?" He shrugs, suddenly standing up and heading to his room, "I sure don't."

Taehyung's eyes turn into slits. "Jimin? Do you know something that I don't? Jimin? Jimin!"

Two days later, one ordinary late Saturday afternoon, he gets a text from Yoongi that only has the address of a bar in Hongdae and a set time. His phone pings the same time as Jimin's.

Jimin can't seem to hold in his smile.

Taehyung stares at his phone screen, unblinking. "What is— is this a date? He wants us to have The Talk in a fucking bar? Why would he—"

He pauses. Slowly, his eyes widen and he calmly turns and locks eyes with Jimin, whose expression says everything.

"Oh my god." Taehyung breathes out.

"Yup."

"Oh my god." He repeats.

"Yup."

"I'm gonna go get ready." He says, dazed, getting up from his position on the couch, slowly walking to his bedroom, closing the door, gently. Two seconds pass.

Jimin hears a loud, ear shattering screech.

"Yup," Jimin nods, "There it is."

He smiles to himself.

__

Yoongi didn't think he'd be someone who suffered from stage fright.

Turns out, he is. He can feel his friends' hands all over him, fussing over like mothers, wiping his cold sweat, and force-feeding him bottles of water. Yoongi takes deep breaths, following Namjoon's lead. He holds it in for five seconds, releases it for three.

He's not sure why he's nervous, exactly. The past three weeks of preparation and rehearsals have been the most alive Yoongi has felt for as long as he could remember. It's the hardest he'd ever worked at anything and that's saying a lot because he works hard at everything.

Suddenly, lyrics came to him so easily. Suddenly, it's the most natural thing in the world to add the missing pieces to Taehyung's melody. When the four of them start working again, cooped up in Namjoon's bedroom or in the studio Seokjin would book for them, it was like they'd never stopped. Yoongi had realized lots of things because of Taehyung, but one of the most important things was probably this one.

He couldn't leave music. He couldn't even if he tried. It was the only thing that felt as natural to him as breathing.

When he'd agreed to do this, they'd made a compromise. They were given enough time for three songs, but Yoongi didn't feel ready for three songs. He didn't feel ready to perform songs he'd written with Jungkook, recorded with him, that still felt a little too much. His friends understood, always understood, always tried even when they barely could.

But, he agrees to one song. He agrees to doing one song with them, something different, something they'd never done before, but something Yoongi knew would be the only way for him to do what he's supposed to do.

He guesses he's getting stage fright because this isn't just a performance, that's what he needs to remember, every single second he spends on that stage.

This isn't just a performance.

It's for his friends. It's for Jungkook. It's for Taehyung. It's for himself.

"Hyung," Namjoon says, his grip on Yoongi's shoulder tight, "You can do this, right? We're up next."

Yoongi feels like he's about to fucking throw up all over his lap.

"Yeah."

The short walk from behind the stage to standing in front of the screaming, drunk audience is a haze. He never knew this was what the heat of a spotlight felt like. He never knew that it would be this hard to see the crowd. He didn't realize how badly he would be sweating, how much his hands would shake, how dry his mouth would feel. He clutches onto the neck of his guitar, looks down at it, as if it can tell him what to do.

Jungkook used to do that, he remembers, as he focuses on the faded 'JK' written with marker on the headstock.

He hears the host introduce them as BTS, but it sounds like background noise as he searches the crowd for a familiar face. It takes him a second, but he finds him, and they lock eyes.

Suddenly, Yoongi feels like they're underwater, like everything else is drowned out, apart from the sound of his heart beating, their tense breathing, their instruments tuning, and Taehyung in the crowd, looking at him like he believes in him.

He locks eyes with his three friends and the look in their eyes feels so familiar that for a moment, Yoongi thinks, the stage feels like home too.

He steadies his breath as he strums the first chord, closes his eyes, and opens his mouth.

Taehyung recognizes the melody. He recognizes it, because it'd come from him that Christmas night. He can't move, can't even speak, doesn't even want to blink, as he watches them.

Yoongi looks nervous, they all do. But somehow, Taehyung thinks, they look like they belong there, as if they've been there their whole lives. He clenches his fists, keeps thinking of what Yoongi had told him, Jungkook wanted them to make music like this, perform in shows.

They never got to do it. They're doing it now.

When Yoongi starts singing, Taehyung can tell he isn't a seasoned vocalist, and could tell that he didn't do much of it outside the four walls of their studio or his shower. But it's beautiful because it's raw. It's beautiful because Taehyung feels something, fuck, he feels everything.

He thinks, this is why Yoongi wanted him to come. Taehyung doesn't need to know anything else. As everything but the sound of the music gets drowned out in his ears, he knows this song is everything he needed to know.

The story Yoongi wanted to tell.

Just like the shade of snow that hasn't completely melted,

I keep living on with these feelings inside of me

Hey, with what words should I close the door on our love?

(Sometimes, Yoongi felt confused whether his mom was really his mom or not. Whenever he saw other kids walking around with their mothers, he'd always wonder why his was so different from everyone else. It was kind of like, she had a schedule. Sometimes, she was his mom. Sometimes, she wasn't. Usually, she wasn't whenever she drank too much of that stinky thing in bottles. Yoongi thinks, it's probably poison. But every time he would try to stop his mother from drinking it, she'd hit him. Yoongi doesn't think other moms hit their kids. It always seemed like he was the only one with a mom like his. The others usually had dads, too. He'd tried to ask, but it'd just make his mom upset. He didn't want to make her upset.

It was a winter afternoon the first time he met someone like him. He wasn't sure at first, but he looked like him. It was a winter afternoon when he'd found a boy, hiding behind the bushes in the park, under the shade of the biggest tree in the neighborhood.

"Are you okay?" Yoongi asks, "It's too cold to be sitting there by yourself, you know!"

The boy looks up at him. His eyes reminded him of a deer, his skin is pale, his arms littered with bruises all over. Yoongi unconsciously clutched onto his own bruised arms, covered by his padded jacket.

He looks like him. He'd never met anyone with the same bruises he had.

"Hey, kid, you look younger than me." Yoongi says, crouching down in front of the boy.

He shrinks away, hugging his knees to his chest.

"Hyung won't hurt you, I promise. Look," Yoongi says, pulling his sleeves up a little, revealing his own wounds.

The boy's eyes widened, staring at him. "Hyung too?"

Yoongi nods. "Hyung is seven. How old are you?"

"Five." The boy mumbles. "Can I go with hyung? I don't wanna go back home. Dad might get mad at me. He told me to leave. Mom told me to run."

"You can go with hyung if you tell me your name. I'm Min Yoongi." He says, gently reaching out, offering his hand. "You are?"

The boy sniffs, taking Yoongi's hand, his grip tight, his hand shaking violently. "My name is Jeon Jungkook.")

Your everything has lost its tomorrow, and now wanders eternally with me,

who was unable to say goodbye or move on

Just like a spell that still won't break, or some kind of curse,

I'm still holding onto some heavy baggage

Hey, what kind of tomorrow am I supposed to look for in this city?

("Are you guys closing up the store?" Seokjin asks, hoisting his backpack on one shoulder, "Ahjusshi told me to make sure everything's in its proper place before leaving and locking up."

"Yeah, hyung," Yoongi says, eyeing Jungkook's hunched figure by the piano. He'd been strange the entire day. "Get home safe, guys. Watch the snow. It's icy."

The three friends wave goodbye to them, giving him silent signals to look after Jungkook. Yoongi nods at them.

He approaches the boy, slowly, as if trying not to spook a scared animal. The second he does, Jungkook curls into him like a cat.

Yoongi laughs softly. "You know, it's funny how embarrassed you are of being a softie in front of everyone else." He says, running his hand through the boy's hair, "Are you okay?"

Jungkook doesn't say anything for a few seconds, focuses on the sound of Yoongi's heartbeat, his scent, his skin, closes his eyes. "Hyung, can I ask you something?"

"You're gonna ask anyway." Yoongi retorts.

"When your mom died," He starts, pressing himself further into Yoongi, "Did you ever... did you ever feel her presence again?"

A little piece of Yoongi's heart cracks at that, his hold on Jungkook tightening. He hated this. He hated how a kid so good with a heart so tender, wasn't allowed the love that every child had the right to receive. He hated that a kid who already had so little could have more taken away from him, leaving him with nothing. Leaving him with a father who treated Jungkook like many things, but never a son. He hated it. He hated how the world could be so unfair to people like them. How the world had turned into a place where all they really had was each other.

At least, they had each other.

"No." Yoongi says, honestly. "No, I don't think so. I barely felt her presence even when she was here, bun. I wouldn't know."

Jungkook wraps his arms around Yoongi's torso squeezes him tight. "M'sorry, hyung. It's just that this morning... this morning, when we got ice cream? They were playing that Michael Buble song that mom loves. I felt her... for a moment."

Yoongi feels himself starting to tear up, but gets a hold of his emotions for the boy in his arms.

"Maybe it was her. It's okay to believe in that."

They're silent for a long while after that, just sitting there in the music store that felt like it was their own, and Yoongi looks down at their entangled arms, the bruises on Jungkook's that made anger stir in his gut, the marks on his own arms that have faded, but haven't completely went away. Sometimes, some nights, he'd have this dark thought of wanting those marks back. Because in some sick, twisted way, they made him feel less alone.

What a pair they made, he thought. Bruised all their lives.

"Hyung?" Jungkook calls out, voice small, raising his head to look at him.

"Yeah, bun?" He answers, turning to look at him. "Wh—"

He's cut off with a kiss.

The first thing Yoongi thinks as he reflexively rests his hand on Jungkook's cheek pulling him closer is, what a pair they made.

Two people who had nothing so having each other became everything.)

The cold tears that fall, freeze under the sky

They pretend to be kind, and around the time they fall down,

Two people who were together all this time were torn apart,

That's all there is to this story

("Will you stop lashing out at me?" Yoongi yells, pushing Jungkook away, "I'm not your fucking punching bag! Why the hell are you taking this out on me?"

"Yoongi, stop," Seokjin says, finally getting up from his position, after having enough of seeing the two go at each other, he whispers into Yoongi's ear, "You know he's drunk, lay off already."

"Oh, like, I'm the problem?" Jungkook seethes, rolling his eyes, "'Cause it's always me, right? Poor baby Jungkook who can't handle himself, can't handle his drinks, can't handle any of it, well guess what, hyung? I don't need you to keep coddling me! Stop acting like you're my dad!"

Namjoon and Hoseok hold him back, as he stumbles in the middle of trying to reach for Yoongi.

Yoongi scoffs, struggling to get out of Seokjin's grasp, "Fucking someone has to do it, Jungkook. Someone has to or else you act like this. Maybe if you stopped being such a fucking baby all the time, I'll stop. Maybe if you'd accept my help, I'd stop. Maybe if you actually took responsibility for your actions once in awhile, I wouldn't have to fucking step up for you all the god damn time!"

"Enough!" Namjoon tries to yell, his grip on Jungkook's arm tight, Hoseok struggling beside him.

"Fuck you!" Jungkook yells, and Yoongi can tell he's close to tears, "Stop acting like I owe you shit! I've never asked you to do anything for me! If you're so fucking tired of me, then leave me! 'Cause I'm fucking tired of you too!"

Yoongi bites back a retort, knowing he's a second away from breaking down, as Jungkook finally manages to break free from their friends' grasp.

"What?" Jungkook says, provoking him, even with tears running down his face, "Should I leave first, hyung? Or do you want to do the honors?"

Yoongi's bottom lip quivers.

"Fine. Leave then." He asserts. "See if you can live without me."

He knows the look in Jungkook's eyes before he turns away from him is something he'll never forget. They were begging for Yoongi to take those words back.

He doesn't.

And Jungkook doesn't turn back as he storms out of the door.

'Yoongi-yah, none of us have heard from Jungkook in three days, you're the only one who has a spare key to his place,' Seokjin had said. 'I know you're mad, but please check on him. I know you're worried too.'

Yoongi stands outside the front door, pacing back and forth, holding Jungkook's guitar that he'd left at their studio after walking out. He wonders, how is he supposed to apologize? What words is he supposed to use to apologize to someone, who, technically, owed him an apology first?

But the longer he thought about it, the more he lost his resolve, knowing deep down he didn't give a shit who apologizes first, who's fault it was, he just wanted Jungkook to come back, wanted to tell him that he didn't mean it, he'd never be tired, never of him, he loved him too much for that.

They can fix this, work on this, it'll take time, but they can do it.

When he finally opens the door, it's dark, as if Jungkook didn't even bother to open his curtains. It smells too, and it makes Yoongi worry because Jungkook's sensitive to smell. As messy as his place is, being a teenage boy, he never allowed it to smell. It was kind of adorable.

"Jungkook?" Yoongi asks, stepping out of his shoes, "Bun? Hey, I know you're mad, but I brought your guitar! Bun, I'm sor—"

He sees the empty beer cans first, before he sees Jungkook's worn out converse sneakers, sitting still next to a chair that's toppled over on the floor.

He doesn't look up. He never looks up.

Months later, he realizes, he doesn't have any memory of what he saw that winter afternoon. All he remembers is the sound of a guitar string snapping and an unsaid apology dying on his lips.)

Even if your everything loses its shape one day,

you'll always be here within me.

And now as I move forward,

even though I couldn't say goodbye,

you'll always be here with me.

Taehyung has tears running down his face, and notices that Yoongi's eyes are wet too.

This was the story Yoongi wanted to tell. This was everything he'd kept inside of him, held onto so tightly, for the last three years.

A cry for help, an apology, a plea for forgiveness, and a goodbye never said. This was all this was.

A thank you, an I'll always love you, a tribute, a release, telling his best friend he was going to be okay now. This was all this was.

After the last note echoes out and the audience bursts into cheers, Taehyung recognizes the expression in their eyes. In Yoongi's eyes. The way they hold him, hug him tight, before they lead him off the stage to perform two more songs, even when their eyes are glistening with tears. Taehyung thinks, as he pushes through the crowd, eyes following Yoongi's shaky, retreating figure, leaving the stage, this was all this was.

Yoongi letting go.

When he finds Yoongi, he's leaning against the concrete wall with eyes closed, catching his breath, his grip on the guitar draped over his torso so tight that his fingers are turning white.

"Hyung?" Taehyung calls out, breathlessly, approaching him, cupping his face drenched in sweat, "Hyung? Are you okay?"

"Taehyung," Yoongi gasps, his eyes opening, instantly heaving an unadulterated sigh of relief, throwing his arms around him, holding on so tight that it hurts, the guitar pressing uncomfortably between them, but Taehyung doesn't care, wrapping Yoongi in a firm embrace, pressing Yoongi's head to his shoulder. "Tae, you're here."

"Of course, I'm here." Taehyung whispers against his hair, "Of course, hyung. Always."

Yoongi's shaking so hard and Taehyung can tell it isn't because of the weather. "Hyung,"

"Will you just hold me for a bit?" Yoongi asks, clutching onto the back of Taehyung's shirt, "It grounds me."

So, for a while, as he waits for Yoongi to stop shaking, they just hold each other by the back door of a fancy bar, the sounds of Namjoon, Hoseok, and Seokjin on stage booming through the walls.

When his violent shaking turns into occasional quivers, Yoongi says against his shoulder, sounding suspiciously wet, "Thank you."

Taehyung caresses his back. "What for?"

Yoongi releases a shaky exhale. "Everything," He whispers, shakes his head like he can't believe it, "Just... everything."

Taehyung pulls away slightly, just enough for them to look at each other. Yoongi's entire face is red, his entire face wet with both sweat and tears.

"Hyung," Taehyung says, raising his hands to cup his face, so he can't look anywhere else, "Hyung, he'd be so fucking proud of you."

Yoongi's lips quiver, which makes Taehyung's heart ache.

Yoongi raises a hand too, wipes Taehyung's tears with it, asks, "Are you?"

Taehyung's heart stops. It's a question he wasn't expecting, something that he didn't think mattered, and something blooms inside of him, knowing that it mattered to him. From the look on Yoongi's face, sincere, in a way that Taehyung's never seen, he knows it matters to him.

"Always." Taehyung whispers, "Especially now."

For what feels like forever, they just stand there, gazing at each other, like they can't stop, occasionally wiping at each other's tears, giggling at each other's ruined makeup. It's in the middle of that, suddenly, that Yoongi holds onto Taehyung's hand, the first time he's ever reached out first, and out of nowhere, lets Taehyung in.

"Taehyung, I'm gonna tell you something." Yoongi says, sounding terrified but determined, "Just listen for a second, okay?"

Taehyung nods slowly, waits.

"There's a lot that I'm working on." Yoongi sniffs. "A lot. Stuff I've been working on my whole life, stuff I've just started working on, stuff I'll have to keep working on for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I'll be difficult. Sometimes, I'll forget why I'm working on it in the first place. Sometimes, I'll be a little hard to love. Just thinking about it, I'm already sorry, but... there's one thing I can promise you."

Taehyung listens, doesn't let go of him.

"I'll do my best. I'll do my absolute fucking best. I always do my best and I won't stop doing my best." He says, voice firm, like he's made up his mind, "I didn't think the world gave me a chance, but it did, a lot of fucking times. With Jungkook, with the guys, with you."

Taehyung's in love, he realizes. He's so in love.

"It'll take some time." Yoongi says, earnestly, "But I want this with you. I like who I am with you, what I feel like I can become with you. God, and it's not even because you consciously did anything, but just because you're you. I'm sorry if it took me so long. But I want you. I want to work on this if it's with you. Kim Taehyung, I'm gonna do my best. So if you'll have me... if you'll have me, I want to be—"

He's cut off with a pair of lips against his own.

"Stop talking," Taehyung says against his mouth, "You had me at ' What are you doing here?' "

Yoongi chuckles wetly, "Since the beginning then?"

Taehyung nods, pulling Yoongi back into his arms, burying his face in his shoulder. "It'll take some time, hyung. But time's all we've got."

They hold each other in the night, Yoongi feels the remnants of the winter cold still lingering in the air. In their tight embrace, Taehyung goes, "Hyung... are we staying here forever? " into his shoulder with a chuckle.

"Right." Yoongi chuckles, pulling away, holding the boy's hand and leading them back inside, the charms from his bracelet clinking together, "We have to go cheer them on. Hoseok's probably shitting his pants out there. And it's cold. How do you never seem cold?"

Taehyung laughs, following behind him. "I'm a winter baby, hyung, I love the cold! You're just dramatic."

As they walk back to the door, he feels a breeze. Yoongi breathes in and suddenly, for a fleeting moment, it smells like autumn again.

__

"It better be something good." Yoongi teases, shoving Jungkook on the shoulder, "Cause I'm music. Even when I'm gone, you'll still hear me everywhere you go, so really, I won't actually be gone."

Jungkook makes a face. "That's so stupid, though, hyung. If you died then that'd just be fucking sad, 'cause I'd be reminded of you every time I hear music! Hyung! I'll never be able to listen to music again!"

Yoongi chuckles, flicking him on the forehead, making him wince. "Idiot. Don't look at it like that. Think of it like this," He explains, pulling the boy closer, "Every time you hear a song you really love, that makes you feel something, you'll know I'm the one who brought it to you."

Jungkook seems to mull that one over, thinking about it, and his expression softens, reaching up to stroke Yoongi's cheek with his fingertips. "You should just never go anywhere, hyung."

Yoongi smiles. "Never."

They feel a breeze over their bare backs, shivering as they pull the blanket a little higher.

"Fuck, it's cold. Fuck that." Yoongi complains, "Hey, close the window properly."

Jungkook laughs, rolling his eyes. "You're always so dramatic about the cold. I love the cold. You should get used to it, you know. It's autumn. It's going—"

The boy pauses, drifts off in the middle of his sentence, and Yoongi blinks at him. "What's wrong with you?"

"Hyung, I have it!" Jungkook says, looking up at Yoongi with wide eyes.

"You... you have it?" Yoongi stutters, a little bewildered at the boy's expression, leaning back. "You have what?"

"What I'll become when I reincarnate." Jungkook says, flashing him a bright grin, "I'll be autumn."

Yoongi snorts.

Jungkook makes an offended face, punching Yoongi in the shoulder. "Don't laugh! It's perfect! Autumn's my favorite season, you know. I was born in autumn!"

Yoongi hums, appeasing the boy, running his fingers up and down his bicep, "Okay, okay. Hey, that isn't fair, though. You get to feel me everyday but I only get to feel your presence once a year."

"Nah," Jungkook says, snuggling into his neck, "It's perfect. It's just right."

Yoongi smiles, closes his eyes. "I guess you're right."

"So, hyung, if I die, I'll make sure your autumns are good." Jungkook promises, "And hey, whenever good things happen to you in autumn, then you'll know that's just me from somewhere, making sure you're happy."