J I M I N

Day 198 of my service in the army. They moved me into a different sector again. I don't know anyone here. I'm not going to bother trying to make friends, I learned my lesson from last time.

Last time, this guy tried to be my friend, but he was a fake. They hazed me. I've gotten my face dunked in cold water, almost drowned, I've been humiliated, bullied. I get picked on for being small and for being an idol. No one has anything nice to say to me.

The general likes to yell at everyone, but he especially likes to yell at me. I've lost my spirit.

Just count the days. It'll pass.

I've lost my appetite. The same meals over and over again. I only eat to survive.

We only get a few hours of sleep every day. I've lost track of how many times I've already cried myself to sleep. I'm not good enough here. I don't belong here.

I hate it here. It's killing me. No one wants to be here. We're all just waiting for our time to pass. My body has never felt so much pain. It hurts to move. I've gotten skinny, it's noticeable and it's not good.

I haven't had a real conversation with someone in so long. I'm isolated from the rest of society.

But I recieved a letter from Mina recently. My tears stained the page when I read it.

Jimin-oppa,

How are you? I miss you every day. Chimmy's been keeping me company. I found your little surprise in your phone, thank you for that. You're so sweet and thoughtful. I wish I could've done something like that for you. I hope you're doing well. Remember to take care of yourself. I'll be waiting for you.

♡ Mina

Mina's birthday passed recently too. I practically begged my general to let me send out a letter. I had to lie a bit, but I didn't have much of a choice.

For certain holidays, sometimes they give us longer breaks as a special occasion. On Christmas they gave us one plain sugar cookie with our supper and that was it. We weren't allowed to call or write home.

I miss Mina's voice. I miss her so much. I miss my boys. I miss BTS. I think I've forgotten how to dance and sing. It's been so long.

I don't feel like myself. I don't know who I am right now. I'm not the same. There's something wrong with me. Is this what depression is?

It's hard to tell the time throughout the day. Everyday is the same damn routine.

Wake up, drills, "breakfast", more drills, running, weapons training, drills again, "supper", daily lecture, wash up, lights out. It's dreadful.

If you try to skip part of the schedule, they always find you. They find you, and then beat you for being a coward.

I've seen it too many times. I feel bad for the guys who get caught, forced to be here just like me. I wish I could help them, but how can I do that if I can't even help myself?

I almost lost it one day. I got a letter from Taehyung.

Hyung!

It's Tae. It's been a while. Are you doing okay? I've been really curious. I wonder about you and Jin-hyung all the time. I miss talking and having long conversations with you. I don't know when you'll get this letter, so happy birthday, merry Christmas, and happy new year! It's not the same without you guys. We all miss you. Namjoon-hyung says we shouldn't worry about you and Jin-hyung. I know you're a strong guy. I believe in you, hyung!

Love, Taehyung

P.s. Hoseok, Yoongi, Namjoon & Jungkook say hi :)

Apparently, I was taking too long to read my letter, so when I finished reading it, the general took it from me and ripped it right in front of me. I was so mad, but I couldn't even stand up for myself.

I'm still just a private so I basically get no respect around here. It's not fair. I can only do what I'm told to do, and nothing else.

I'm proud to be Korean, but today, I think this is just too much. The government forcing young men to sacrifice two years of their youth for the country? There's nothing we need to fight against right now! We're all here for no reason! If we didn't choose to be here then let us go home!

I'm losing my mind. Someone please... save me.