https://xinjinjumin218738553271.lofter.com/post/85a88f94_2be0297c1

summary: When the pointer turned to twelve noon, the entire spring finally turned around.

"If I'm going to die, summer is the best time. I want to die in that scorching heat where I feel like my whole body is rotting."

"Or in autumn... everything becomes desolate, withered leaves falling, as if even the heart is withering..."

"...Winter is more suitable. The cold makes everything quiet. Even the pain seems to be frozen."

The three Dazai Osamu were arguing in the setting sun, but when the door was pushed open, they melted in the dazzling light and turned into the evening breeze and drifted away. Dazai Osamu, wearing a windbreaker, stopped at the door, his hand still on the metal door handle.

"No," he said to the empty room, "It's spring. Spring is the season of death."

The pointer is at zero.

The spring of Dazai Osamu's life came late when he was eighteen years old.

The first bunch of flowers of spring had grown quietly under his bandages for too long, until Oda used his fingertips to tear open the thick white cocoon on his face, allowing him to bask in the sun. He said, be the one who saves people. The air was terribly quiet, and the flowers bloomed from Dazai Osamu's eyes, draining the black lake in his eyes, so he didn't shed a single tear.

The flowers blooming from his eyes made his throat dry and stinging. It was a sign that spring had finally arrived.

He suddenly recalled the night at Lupin's bar. At that time, he pressed the ice ball in the glass with his hand, supported his face and said: "I was just thinking... If I die, will anyone cry for me?"

"You started again. This topic is still..."

But Odasaku just smiled faintly. He said, death is not an interesting thing. Living is more meaningful.

"Odasaku is always so serious~ However, the time I spent drinking with you made me feel that being alive is not bad." Dazai Osamu tilted his head and showed a mischievous smile, and then after the three of them toasted to "being alive", the scene returned to the present, with bandages scattered on the ground and the words of close friends still echoing in the setting sun.

"Dazai, you keep saying that you can't find a reason to live... But in fact, you don't need any special reason. Being alive is something worth cherishing. Even if it has no meaning, you can continue to live."

Dazai Osamu found that his heart was aching. It was not until many years later that he figured out the reason. It turned out that the mafia who did not kill people had already planted flower seeds on him in the beginning - in his eyes, in the invisible cracks on his body. But the days before he was eighteen were cold winters, so cold that he did not realize that he was suffering. The flower seeds grew along his blood vessels and had actually reached the position of his heart. No one had ever understood him so well, and even used vines to wrap around his heart. When the first bunch of flowers bloomed from his eyes in spring, the quiet winter finally collapsed, and the flower stems pierced every part of his body where blood flowed, and the pain was like cutting bones.

As he looked up, the needle began to move clockwise.

When Nakajima Atsushi said, "This is the first time I saw Mr. Dazai visiting the grave," he discovered that spring was tilting along with the pointer.

"Do I look like I'm sweeping a grave?"

"Yes."

The sound of gears meshing came from deep inside, and Dazai Osamu felt dizzy. It turned out that the world was turning upside down.

"...Could it be someone that Dazai-san once loved?"

"If I liked someone of the opposite sex, I would have committed suicide long ago."

"He's a friend. He's the man who gave me the opportunity to leave the Mafia and join the detective agency. If it weren't for him, I might still be a Mafia member, killing people..." He turned and walked down the stairs.

"...I lied to you."

Nakajima Atsushi had never met Dazai Osamu, who was once a mafia gangster, and would not know that at that time he only thought about how to commit suicide every day, but never said that he wanted to commit suicide for love. But now, he would lie on the sofa in the detective agency, wearing headphones, and leisurely humming the song "Suicide for love" and "Suicide for love". It seems to have become a habit.

Similarly, he removed the thick bandages on his face, burned the black coat, watched the stars with his partners on the roof of the detective agency, watched the cherry blossoms bloom in the spring in Yokohama, and played tricks on his partner Kunikida from time to time. Because of a person's will, he chose to be the one who saved people, and he truly welcomed spring. The spring is in full bloom, and everything grows in the light of the morning.

"Are you happy, Mr. Dazai?"

He didn't answer, but parted the flowers and found that the clock had pointed to six in the morning.

Spring dreams are not all sweet dreams, but there is a high probability that they are.

Dazai often dreams of stories from other worlds, such as he suddenly became the leader of the Hong Kong underworld, not by choice, so he dragged his heavy feet every day and lived a life worse than death; for example, he helped Odasaku solve the trouble, so he did not join the mafia, but lived to write novels as Natsume said many years ago, making the second volume of the book perfect. But when Dazai saw him, he always covered his face tightly, his eyes wide open and dirty and without luster, like the surface of the water on a rainy day. He did not say goodbye to Odasaku at the station, but used a twisted smile to prevent himself from crying, and then left quietly.

He dreamed that he was picked up by Odasaku and taken home, and even the taste of canned crab meat was exactly the same as he remembered. When he woke up, he turned over in bed, sighing that such a life was better than he thought.

If you really created a world where he was alive and writing novels, what would you do next?

I--

He dreamed, but forgot the ending of the dream.

It was still spring outside the window, and the trees were growing rapidly under his feet, reaching the sky. He thought that Odasaku was originally a tree, with such a strong breath of life, but he still didn't understand. In his fantasy, he fell from the tree, but the world was spinning too fast and he couldn't touch the ground.

"..Now I am very happy too."

The second hand of the clock ticks in silence, like the heartbeat of time, slowly and firmly cutting through eternity.

There is no late spring in Yokohama. Spring changes overnight, and then there is the sound of cicadas and the smell of rotting. Kunikida corrects him, telling him that it is only because he does not go out.

"Anyway, it would be nice if spring would never end." He looked at the calendar on the table, "I really don't want to let it go. Spring is a great time! It's perfect for anything, especially for cherry blossom viewing or being a fool in love."

"I feel upset thinking that summer is coming soon."

No. Dazai Osamu said in my mind. Summer is the best season to die.

I already said autumn...

——It should be winter!

The three voices started arguing again, and Dazai Osamu shook his head, trying to get them out.

He was watching the stars by the river. That year, Odasaku asked him how many stars he saw, and he didn't know how many "represented future friends" he saw, so he said the night sky was pitch black. But now the night sky is filled with stars, almost blinding.

"Is there anyone you want to see?"

"The dead can't come back, so those who wish to see the stars, there is no one."

Is that so...

Spring suddenly became sickly sweet. He saw the 14-year-old boy who committed suicide by drowning. His figure overlapped with his dream. He then remembered that at the end of his dream, in the world where Odasaku could live to write novels, he smiled and jumped from the roof of the Ganghei Building. He had been delayed for too long by the beautiful spring, so long that the blood in his body was replaced by the juice of plants. He fell headfirst, and countless flowers grew on the soles of his shoes, reaching towards the spring sky.

"...I'm very happy." He smiled, but tears kept falling. "I'm really happy. My life is on the right track. Did you see it, Odasaku?"

In late spring, at the tail end of spring, he clapped his hands to stop the debate about suicide season.

"Spring is the season of death. When the cherry blossoms are in full bloom, people are praising life, but I feel that it is the best time to die."

At noon one spring day, the hands finally pointed to the number twelve. At this point, the whole spring was completely reversed, and he heard himself in another world laughing: In the doctrine I believe in, suicide cannot go to heaven.

He hung upside down with the spring and fell into the water. The vines in his body finally penetrated his skin and wrapped him up as he sank. The spring light was still shining, and the world was quiet and silent.