i'm sorry i didn't keep my promise on updating this sooner

i've got a lot of things going on right now and i figured if i wrote anything, it would only be shitty and you guys don't deserve something like that

i tried to make this the best as i could and also tried to explain everything that's happened as much as i can

thank you for sticking with me and this story <3

+ j

***

i woke up in a white room which i immediately assumed was the hospital. i've already been thoroughly familiarized with this place, i'm no longer even surprised.

first thing that came into my mind:

jimin.

and as if on cue, i noticed him by my peripheral view, moving as he laid down on the couch. he was groaning in his sleep, eyebrows furrowed as his body faced me.

he looked so beautiful. i wanted to touch him, hold him and just love him. all the physical and emotional pain i was feeling seemed to fade the second i looked at him.

i admired his features, every single one of them; from the way his pink hair looked so soft, puffy cheeks that made him look even squishier, hands and fingers so short and cute made me feel like holding onto them or just him entirely for one whole day wouldn't even be a tad bit of a bad thing.

though as if an arrow had been pierced into my chest, memories of yesterday struck me.

yoongi.

taehyung killed him! and i couldn't even do anything! it's all my fucking fault! if i hadn't chased jimin, none of this would've happened. if i had just stayed with yoongi, he would still be here.

what's the point of having jimin back if yoongi was bound to die in his stead? if i can't have both of them by my side, i'd rather they both stayed alive.

"jungkook?" i hadn't even noticed jimin was already awake and that i was crying until i heard his voice and felt tears dropping on my own hands.

"i'm sorry, jimin..."

he looked at me with his eyebrows furrowed as he stood up from the sofa then sat on the chair right next to my bed.

"why are you apologizing to me, jungkook? it was all my fault. i started all of this."

"what?"

"you still don't remember?" he chuckled bitterly and i couldn't understand why he looked so guilty, so rueful.

"i don't get it." shaking my head, i responded. "it's not your fault. besides, you shouldn't be fine like this already. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm glad you're alive! but you should be on a bed, too. as far as i can remember, you were badly hurt andㅡ"

"ㅡjungkook! please! i can't do this..."

my eyes widened in shock and i felt myself losing breath as i stared at him, tears falling fast down his cheeks.

"jimin..."

"i left you 'cause i was selfish! i couldn't accept how you treated me like shit and never seemed to even think about it! to you, it was normal to push me around and make fun of my feelings as if they weren't there. to you, i was just your best friend you could fuck around with any time! to you, i was never someone more than that."

"jimin, that's notㅡ"

"ㅡit is true! or at least...it was."

for a moment he calmed down, but what followed had me downright addled. he started laughing as tears continued to fall.

he then eventually covered his face with his own hands as he stopped laughing but instead, cried harder.

"i just couldn't accept it, jungkook. it drove me insane and everything became worse when you found out about the cd's. you hated me. you hurt me. you call me names like taehyung always did. the only difference between you two was that i still loved you no matter what you did."

i couldn't process anything he was saying that easily. or maybe i just couldn't accept it nor even tried to believe it.

"i still loved you no matter how much you hurt me. and i never loved taehyung. yes, i was selfish. yes, i used him. though it never worked," he chuckled bitterly yet again and now looked me straight in the eyes.

"i only went out with taehyung to try and get your attention. but he wouldn't let me go when i finally wanted to leave. and i found myself stuck in the palm of his hands. not even the only one person i wanted to save me, cared. in fact, you detested how fucking sick i was to use someone else and play with their feelings. and i couldn't blame you for that. after all, i was a sick fucking bastard who deserved the shit taehyung gave me. but at that time, i thought it was a ironic to hear you say that after all the things you've done to me. so i got mad. that's why you and i fought.

"but at the end of the day, though i was infuriated by the things you said, i still ran after you for all those days you tried to ignore me. taehyung found out that i still hadn't given up on you and he started beating me up. he tried keeping me to himself by locking me up in his house. i wasn't even allowed to talk to my mom. taehyung made me call her one last time and say i wasn't going home for a few months. i wouldn't have done it had he not threatened to kill my mom. so i did what i had to do and even tried to act cold towards her. i figured it would be best to get her mad at me. after all, it would be faster for her to forget about meㅡor so that's what i forced myself to believe."

he held my right hand in both of his. i could feel my heart pumping in my ears, but at the same time, my mind was breathing questions more and more each second.

and i wanted so much to cry, but instead, i wiped his tears away.

"i ran out of town with taehyung, but i couldn't survive more than two weeks. he continued torturing me and i even tried to love him. i tried my best to take care of him, but it was never enough. i was never enough. at that point, i'd already accepted that i had lost my dignity. i already accepted what i had become.

"but he knew to himself that wasn't even close to how i treated you. and he hated how i couldn't get the man i loved out of my mind. taehyung almost killed me when he found out i was still making the videos. and maybe i wish he just had. after all, none of this would've happened had he just took my life. though like the coward i am, i fought him and ran away only to go back to my mother and you. but i was too late."

jimin stopped talking and looked away from me. he took my right hand that was wiping the tears away from his cheeks and clamped it with his own hands. my hand fit in his as if they truly belonged there.

i waited for him to say something. i wanted to know what happened. but he didn't speak. he simply continued to stare at our fingers intertwined with each other and his other hand holding both of ours.

"jimin...what happened? tell me."

he hesitated for a few seconds before he finally looked up at me.

"you tried to kill yourself."

no. no, i can't believe that. i'd never do that.

"you're lying, jimin."

"but i'm not!"

"that's all you've ever been capable of doing! lying to everyone!" i pulled my hand away from him with sheer force, watching him cry again.

"jungkook, pleaㅡ"

"stop lying to me, jimin! i tried so hard to figure out why you left, why you thought this world was cruel enough to let go of! i tried so hard to understand you! and maybe i did or maybe i just pretended! who fucking knows?!" he flinched as i yelled at him and i tried my best to take a deep breath before i spoke again.

"i didn't mean for any of this to happen..."

"then what did you expect to happen?" i asked, a little calmer this time. desperation and anguish evident in my voice as i tried to get the words out of him.

"i'm so sorry..." he sobbed and i wanted to hold him right there and then, tell him it's okay and i forgave him. but it wasn't. it wasn't fucking okay.

"jimin, i loved you and my heart had always known no one else to love but you. i tried so hard to forget about you. why do you think i still ran after the ghost of you after all these years? why do you think i chose to ignore my own husband when he pleaded me to come back?"

"jungkook..."

"i want no lies no more," i wiped his tears away again this time and moved closer to give him a kiss on the forehead.

"everything i've said was true."

"jimin."

"i'm not lying! you were stuck in desolation and distress when taehyung told you i killed myself!"

"wait, didn't you tell your mom you were only going to be running away with taehyung? you didn't say you were dead. wasn't i supposed to believe that too?"

"taehyung did more than just getting me to lie to my mom. he lied to me too. and i'm sorry about this but..."

"but what?"

"yoongi was in on it."

"n-no, that can't be true...jimin, yoongi is dead and you...you're blaming him for this?"

"i'm not! i can never blame yoongi! he did what he had to do! i completely understand why he lied to you!"

"this is bullshit, jimin!" i pulled harshly on my hair but he grabbed my wrists.

"please don't hurt yourself, this is all my fault."

"you keep saying that but i still don't understand a thing!"

"listen to me!" he looked me straight in the eyes as his grip on my wrists became tighter. "taehyung convinced yoongi to tell my mom i ended my own life! and in return, yoongi could have you all to himself! i didn't know that! i didn't agree to any of that! i just told my mom what i had to and went away with taehyung because i didn't want her to hurt him. you might be wondering why i didn't just tell the police any of this..."

"why the hell didn't you?!"

"i know taehyung, okay?! i've known him for so fucking long. i know that he can pull so many goddamn strings, he won't be arrested! i thought no one would believe me if i told anyone. i couldn't put my mom in even more danger, telling her everything. i couldn't tell you because you hated me. you wouldn't believe me and you'd just shut me out again."

"i don't understand...why would i even hate you? you were my best friend. i don't give a flying fuck if i discovered you making the cd's."

"but you did! you hated me! that's the reason i left the first time, remember? i wanted you to see what you were missing. who you were missing! that's why i left with taehyung but it all went to shit and i had to go back. but when i came back, you still didn't give a flying fuck."

"why would iㅡ"

"ㅡand when yoongi managed to make everyone believe i was dead, you blamed yourself for it. you blamed yourself for me ending my own life. only then did you realize you wanted me. you loved me."

"oh my god..." jimin held me as i sobbed uncontrollably on his chest.

everything came back to me at the same time. i couldn't handle everything. memories flooding my eyes, his voice echoing in my ears. i couldn't decipher what's real from what's not anymore.

yoongi was calling me on my phone again. i was already driving. i can't remember where i was headed, all i know is that i wanted to be with jimin, wanted to feel his touch, see his smile and hear his voice yet again. i wanted to be with him so bad i was ready to give up everything else.

it didn't even sink in to me at that moment. it's as if i wasn't actually planning to end my own life. it's as if i was just sleepwalking. i was aware and unaware of what i was doing.

yoongi tried to stop me by sending a text, asking where i was. he knew what i was planning since i left a long message to him, saying how much i appreciated him staying with me no matter what happened. thanking him for everything and that i loved him and he was the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

i knew that he immediately figured out; something was off. after all, the jeon jungkook he knew would never say anything like that. we only slept together all the time. i made it clear the very first day we slept together that we would never be anything more than that.

i had been ignoring his texts and calls, his attempts to save my life. this time, i decided to put an end to it.

but as i was about to pick my phone up and turn it off, he stopped calling.

laughing to myself, i knew he already grew tired of trying to save me. then i realized i was wrong, when jimin started calling me. or at least someone else was using jimin's phone. i figured yoongi had managed to make taehyung call me, since taehyung had jimin's phone.

"yoongi..." i shook my head in dismay and turned my phone off.

coming back to reality, i faced jimin.

"did you call me that day?"

"i did," he answered in a split of second.

"you...oh my god...you tried to stop me."

"yes, but i was too late."

"we both were, jimin."

he softly ran his fingers through my hair then kissed me on the forehead.

"what happened next? how did we end up in that street?"

"taehyung knew where you were. he told me."

"what? how?"

"he followed you."

"why would he? i thought he only wanted you."

"that's not it, kook." jimin shook his head. "he was infuriated with me leaving him. he knew the only way to get back at me and make me experience the same pain i put him through was to do the same thing to me. he planned to take the person i love from me, jungkook."

"he tried to kill me? didn't he know i was already planning to do the same thing?"

"he did, but he wanted to do it himself. he drove towards your car, causing you crash into a tree. he, on the other hand, was unharmed."

"but how did you find me?"

"he told me exactly where you were. i knew he wanted to see my face when i find you dead. and when i did see you, it was too late yet again. you were already falling unconscious. before i could call the ambulance, you already closed your eyes and taehyung grabbed hold of me. he tried to take me away yet again. but yoongi came and stopped him, somehow convincing taehyung that i was enough of a price to him and that he no longer needed to kill you to have me."

"so taehyung took you away again?"

"yes."

"so yoongi stayed with me...he was the one who took me to the ambulance..." i mumbled as realization hit me. silence followed as i stayed in his arms.

it took me a few minutes to finally get my voice back and my thoughts gathered again.

"how did you come back then?"

"i...escaped."

"why me?"

he slightly pulled away to look at me, his eyebrows furrowed.

"why did you go back to me? why after all these years..?"

"isn't it obvious?"