I Hate To Be Reminded of Who I Am

Shelby

4x16

Dean and I looked through a window in a metal door. Chained to a hex symbol in the middle of the room stood Alastair. A Demon trapping symbol was spray painted on the floor, keeping the demon inside of it.

"This devil's trap is old Enochian. He's bound completely," Castiel explained, causing a chill to run up my spine.

Immediately, Dean turned around and started to head for the door. This action made me turn and watch him, raising up Castiel's question, "Where are you going?"

"Hitch back to Cheyenne, thank you very much," Dean said, walking past Uriel. Suddenly, Uriel appeared in front of Dean, stopping his feet.

"Angels are dying, boy," Uriel snared at him.

Dean threw up his hands, "Everybody's dying these days. And hey, I get it. You're all-powerful. You can make me do whatever you want. But you can't make me do this."

Uriel's eyebrows rose, eyeing Dean before his eyes looked up to me. At first, I was confused why I'd be the new center of attention for this situation, but I quickly found out. In seconds, my throat felt like someone's hand was wrapped rightly around it, sucking the air out of me.

I tried to gasp for air, my hands running to my throat in hopes my own powers would stop it. But it was no use, my body fell to my knees and my eyes turned black as Ana tried to fight me to be let out.

"Shelby!" Dean ran over to me, grabbing me as he looked at me worriedly.

"Uriel, this is un-necessary," I heard Castiel's voice. A full minute later and my lungs filled with air as my eyes closed and Ana retreated back.

I didn't need to look up at Dean to know he was glaring at Uriel. If you wanted to get a Winchester to do something, threatening the family isn't the best way.

"Dean. This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it," Castiel said, making my brother and I turn and look at him. There was a minute of silence before Dean stood up, "I want to talk to Cas alone."

My feet pushed my body up while Uriel let out a small sigh, "I think I'll go seek revelation. We might have some further orders." Uriel vanished from our sights, leaving the room only filled with Castiel, Dean, and me.

Dean shook his head as he turned to Castiel, "You guys don't walk enough. You're gonna get flabby." Castiel didn't react while I crossed my arms and watched the two.

"What's going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?" Dean asked, seeming to ask the million dollar question that appeared in our minds since we walked into that motel room.

Castiel's eyes looked at the ground, pausing, before saying, "My superiors have begun to question my sympathies."

"Your sympathies?" Dean asked, peaking my interest now.

"I was getting too close to the humans in my charge," Castiel said, his head turning and looking at me. His next word made my arms drop and my mouth gap slightly, "You."

Even Dean's face dropped in shock as Castiel continued, "They feel I've begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment."

I was silent, caught off guard by the angel's words. Dean seemed to be in the same shock as me, watching as Castiel's eyes finally pulled away from me and back over to Dean.

Dean finally spoke up, breaking the silence and bringing us back on track, "Well, tell Uriel, or whoever... you do not want me doing this, trust me."

"Want it, no. But I have been told we need it," The angel spoke plainly.

Sighing, Dean shook his head, clearly not happy with this, "You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out."

"That is why Shelby is here. If you begin to lose yourself then Shelby and I can be in there, right away."

That explains why I'm here.

Dean closed his eyes, letting out a long, heavy sigh before quickly walking over to the door. He stopped, looking through the small window in the door before opening it. I watched in nerves as he walked in and closed the door behind him.

Silence filled the room as I looked through the small window, watching as Dean and Alastair talked. My eyes closed as I sucked in a breath and shook my head, "I can't believe you're making him do this."

"He's doing God's work," Castiel said, making me open my eyes and turn around to face the angel. "So torturing is God's work?" I asked but Castiel said nothing.

My feet took a few steps towards Cas, my voice coming out in a begging tone, "Stop him, Cas, please. You don't know what you're doing to him."

"Who are we to question the will of God?" Cas asked, making my heart sink.

"Do you know what happens, in Hell? I'm sure you do, I'm sure you know every little thing that happens. But, do you know what happens when you get out of it? Your nerves are on edge. Every little noise spooks you. Your brain starts to overthink and you wonder if they'll come back for you. Nightmares haunt your nights and fear haunts days. And it doesn't matter how many times you try get over it. It doesn't matter how many people are there to support you and help you. It haunts you, for the rest of your life. And when you finally get a break, you finally learn to live with the fear and the nightmares, the last think you want is to be reminded of what happened. And here you are, pulling my brother back into it, reminding him what has happened, what he did. If that's God's will. If that's what God wants to happen, then I don't want to be on God's "save" list."

Castiel is silent as my little rant ends. I feel tears threaten to spill out but I suck in a breath and walk over to a metal table with some chairs. I sit down, composing myself as I sat in silence.