Toya's journal on the Perseus.

Day_

The sea churns. I'm not sure where to place my breaths anymore.
Sitting in the corner of the cabin, I realize there's nothing for me to do except... write. But write what? Everyone on the ship talks, laughs, works. And me? I'm alive, still breathing, yet I can't find anything to tether myself to the present. Memories of Tsukasa, of Hyoga, and everything I've done... they all resurface, clear as day.

Ukyo suggested I think about what I want for the future, but how could I? Every time I close my eyes, I see the faces of those we've lost. Sometimes, I think Ukyo isn't much different from me – he knows he's a coward, but at least he has the courage to admit it. And me? I only dare to write these things down on paper, where no one else can see them.

Day_

Last night, I dreamt of the sea swallowing everything.
White lightning slitted across the sky, and from the clouds regurgitated a translucent blood.
The water, cold and dark, rose around me. I swam and swam, but got nowhere. And then, I saw Mirai standing on the shore, waving to me. Strange. I haven't thought of her since boarding this ship.

This morning, Ukyo approached me. He asked about my dream. How did he know I'd had one? Sometimes I think Ukyo has a sixth sense, but then I remember he's just very good at reading people. I didn't answer his question. Instead, I asked him, "Do you think you deserve to be alive, Ukyo?"

He smiled, as if the question didn't faze him at all. "I don't know. But I know you do, Toya."

For the first time in my life, I couldn't think of a single thing to argue back.

Day_

The waves are gentler today. So is my mood.
I saw Francois catch Ginro sneaking bites of Stollen cake. He stuffed his mouth full and tried to justify himself: "I'm saving the world from having too much bread."
Francois sighed, exasperated. "There's no such thing as leftover bread in this world."
Ginro: "Exactly. Because I'm here to make sure of that."

I laughed. A small, short laugh, but still a laugh. Ukyo passed by, giving me a look that said, See? You can enjoy yourself too. I turned away, pretending I didn't notice.

Day_

I hate the sea. I hate the sound of the waves. I hate everyone.
Ukyo still tries to talk to me every day. Don't get me wrong – I don't hate him. But sometimes, I wish he'd leave me alone. Every time he opens his mouth, I'm reminded of everything he witnessed but didn't stop. And every time I remember, I hate myself even more.

I snapped at Ukyo today, saying he was no better than me. He just stood there, silent. Finally, he said, "Maybe you're right. But if we're the same, then why don't we help each other become better?"

I didn't reply.

Day_

I played around with some colored pencils today.
I don't know why I picked them up and started drawing. Thoughts about the universe clung to me, forcing me to ponder its existence. Those thoughts were maddening, but also... oddly comforting. Maybe it's because I feel like a dead star – my light is still visible, even though I know I burned out long ago.

Ukyo saw me drawing. He didn't say anything, just sat down beside me. For the first time, his presence didn't bother me.

Day_

I think I'm starting to feel a little alive again.
I've started watching the others on the ship. Senku is always working, Kohaku is always fighting, Gen is always scheming. And Ukyo... he always appears when I least expect it. I'm not sure if I trust him, but one thing I'm certain of: he never does anything without a reason.

I asked him, "Why do you keep trying to talk to me?"

He shrugged and answered, "Because you deserve to hear your own voice. Not just the things you keep repeating in your head, but your real voice – the one you've forgotten."

Only Ukyo could come up with an answer like that.

Day_

I don't hate the sea anymore.
Today I saw Gen goofing around with Ginro. They chased each other across the deck like children. Once again, I found myself smiling. Ukyo noticed, but this time he didn't say anything.

Maybe only I know that I'm starting to feel... a little better. Not completely okay. But better.

And maybe, that's enough for now.

Day_

I've started writing more. Not because I want to, but because I need to.
Writing feels like the only way to free myself from the chaos in my mind. Without it, I think I'd go mad. Ukyo calls it "Toya therapy," which sounds mocking but is oddly accurate.

Today, I found Magma sitting at the edge of the ship, staring out at the sea. I asked him what he was doing. He just said, "Looking. Seeing if the ocean has anything interesting."

Magma, staring at the sea? I thought he'd leap in and wrestle a shark or something. But no, he just sat there.

I don't understand him, and I'm not sure I need to. But it made me think – maybe what I see of others isn't always everything there is to them.

Day_

Ukyo made me mad again. But this time, it's because he was right.
He caught me snapping at Gen. No, more like unloading on him. Just because of some harmless joke he played on me. I said some really cruel things – things I knew would hurt him.

Later, Ukyo pulled me aside. He only said, "Toya, if you don't learn to forgive yourself, you'll keep hurting people who don't deserve it."

I hate him. But I hate that he's right even more.

Day_

I saw Senku smile today. Not his "mad scientist" smile, but a real one.
He smiled when Ginro dropped a bunch of tools on the deck and got an earful from Kohaku. Just a small moment, but it made me realize... even Senku knows how to enjoy simple things.

So why can't I? Maybe I need to learn how.

Day_

I dreamt of Tsukasa last night.
This time, he didn't say anything. He just stood there, staring at me, his eyes carrying that unwavering determination I once knew. But instead of fear or anger, all I felt was... emptiness.

I tried to say something to him, but I couldn't. It was like my throat was clogged. And when I woke up, tears were streaming down my face.

I don't know if I cried for Tsukasa or for myself. Maybe both.

Day_

Ukyo told me about his past.
He talked about being in the navy, about the comrades he loved. He talked about how he couldn't save them, and how that pain made it impossible for him to forgive himself.

I asked him, "Then why do you keep going?"

Ukyo looked at me, his gaze calm but deep. "Because I want to do something meaningful. Not to atone, but to create a world my loved ones would be proud of."

His words left me silent for a long time. Maybe I need to find a reason to keep going too – not for the past, but for the future.

Day_

Today was strange.
Ginro asked me if I could choose between returning to the old world and staying here, which would I pick? A simple question, but one that made me think hard before answering.

The old world is where I belong. I loved every part of it – its peace, its comforts, its familiar smells. And this world? It's chaotic, uncertain, but it has something that keeps me holding on. I don't love it, but I'm not ready to let it go.

I didn't answer Ginro. Not because I don't have an answer, but because I think it's still changing every day.

Day_

I saw Ukyo smile when Suika excitedly told everyone about the weird non-fish things we caught today.
For some reason, that made me feel warm inside.

I realized something: Ukyo isn't just a coward, like he once called himself. He's brave – not the kind of bravery that charges into battle, but the kind that faces itself head-on.

I want to learn that kind of courage.

For the first time, I think... maybe I can.