#IWasThinking

"Emma, sweetie, can I talk to you for a second?" Mom asks.

"Sure?" I sit up in bed and look at her suspiciously. Usually, Mom just, you know, just talks, she doesn't ask. Which means something's up.

"Honey..." Mom gives me this innocent look that sets my mental alarm bells ringing. She follows it up with, "I was thinking..." and I suddenly just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

#ThreeYearsAgo

Three years ago, Mom "was thinking" I should try this new dance class she was totally hooked on and the #ZumbaDiet was born.

Let me just say that a two hundred pound girl dripping sweat while shaking her ass to Shakira isn't pretty. Worse? The entire cheer squad had signed up for the class. Something about learning new dance moves and staying in shape.

I cringe every time I remember their snickering and snide comments.

#TwoYearsAgo

Two years ago, Mom "was thinking" that we should get some "healthy snacks" and watch Ninja Warrior on YouTube. I didn't really catch on until Kacy Catanzaro made it up the warped wall and Mom announced that she'd signed me up for parkour. That's how the #NinjaDiet was born.

It actually lasted a whole week longer than the #ZumbaDiet. I lost four whole pounds until I broke my arm and gained back twenty...

#LastYear

Last year, Mom "was thinking" that yoga's super healthy and we should totally take a class together. I guess what she wasn't thinking was that #250lbs, a pair of #YogaPants, and #DownwardDog seriously don't mesh.

The #YogaDiet only lasted one day, but I didn't leave the house for an entire week.

At least that time, the cheer squad wasn't there to watch...

#MyAmazingSummer

I sigh and plop the book I'm reading face down on my bed and stare longingly at the cover.

The last five weeks have been amazing. Nothing beats lounging around the house, reading books and hanging out with Lexi. Okay, maybe a date with Ty, but at #280lbs, who am I kidding?

I know what you're thinking. This will be the summer that will change my life. I'll find the perfect diet, lose all that extra weight, and come back to school looking all skinny and sexy. Ty will take one look at me—the new me—and fall madly in love. Then...

Well, it's not like I don't daydream about it. A lot. Just not with Mom in the room.

#JumpingJacks

It's not like I'm opposed to losing weight. Between #LameMomDiets, I have tried a bunch of seemingly good ones.

The latest was #JumpingJacks. In my room, alone—obviously—with the door shut and blinds drawn. Not that it helped. After rep number five, Dad started shouting. "Em, do you have an Elephant up there? Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep."

Let's just say I got over that idea, fast.

#RawFoodDiet

The exercise thing has never worked for me, but I've tried real diets, too. The #RawFoodDiet, for instance, which would have gone a whole lot better if someone had told me about the side effects.

They hit at the movies. By the time I got my #200lbs pounds past all the "Hey, watch its!", "Ewwws", and "Grosses!", it was too late.

I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for like forever. Then, I called Mom and had to explain why I needed her to come get me—and bring a change of clothes. Yeah, I really wish I could forget that ever happened.

#DietMishaps

I try to push all my #DietMishaps out of my mind and turn to face Mom.

"Yeah?" I ask, bracing myself. One would think that after her last four #SummerDiets, Mom would be out of ideas. Yes, four. No, not three. I didn't lose count. There's just no way that I'm ever telling what happened the summer I was thirteen. It really puts the #RawFoodDiet in perspective.

#SummerVacationIsSoOver

I really don't want to try another diet. I've already tried the #NinjaDiet, the #ZumbaDiet, and the #YogaDiet. Not to mention dozens of not-so-lame diets that I've found online. None of them worked. Whatever this new one is, I already know it's doomed to fail.

I'm stuck at #280lbs, probably for the rest of my life. I've accepted it. I thought Mom had too.

Which is why I've finally let myself relax and really enjoy #SummerVacation. I guess I should have known better. My totally awesome, too-good-to-be-true summer is so over.

#PokemonGo

Mom, as always, remains oblivious to my rising pre-#DietAnnouncement panic.

"Have you heard of Pokémon Go?" she asks. "It's this new cell phone game practically everyone's—"

"I know what Pokémon Go is, Mom," I interrupt.

I started playing #PokemonGo with Lexi and a few of our other friends last Wednesday. There are a bunch of PokéStops downtown and we hit them up on the way to the library. No, we don't go there to study. I mean, are you kidding me? It's #SummerVacation!

The library is everyone's new hangout because it's go a #PokeStop and a #PokeGym. Though I often look for good books to read while I'm there.

#WeShouldPlay

So yeah, I've heard of #PokemonGo. Fingers crossed that Mom is only asking because she wants to know how to play.

"Well..." Mom looks so giddy she's practically bouncing on the bed, "you and I should play!"

It sounds innocent. Like she wants to "bond" or "hang out" like any other parent. Not my mom, though.

#DoWeHaveTo

"Do we have to?" I ask dejectedly.

I can just picture Mom, at #320lbs, in a dress and high heels, running down the street, chasing a Pikachu. Followed by me, at #280lbs, in sneakers, shorts, and a tee, fat bouncing as I chase after her, with the the entire cheer squad snickering on the sidelines. I cringe.    

#PokéDiet

"Oh, honey..." Mom gives me a sympathetic look.

It's the same look that she gave me after the #RawFoodDiet, and the #YogaDiet, and... I think I'm going to cry.

"It's going to be great," she tries to assure me. "We'll do so much walking, we'll burn off all of this extra fat." She takes a deep breath, sucks in her stomach, and examines it for a few seconds. "I call it..." She pauses dramatically for effect, "the #PokéDiet."

[I wrote this short story a few years ago, when everyone first started playing Pokemon Go]

◈ What did you think of this story? Did you like it? Hate it? I hope I didn't offend anyone!!!

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◈ Did you play Pokemon Go? Do you still play it?

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