"There has to be a better way to do this-" I frowned, staring at the stretch of water that separated us from the town.

it's not that big but still-

i don't want to be in a boat with him

i'm scared

"It'll take two minutes, help me with the boat," Levi shrugged, gesturing to a small wooden rowboat hidden in some bushes.

i-

"Can we walk? We got here on a carriage right? Let's just take the bridge-"

"I thought we were sneaking out?" He rolled his eyes at me, "you'll just get caught if you walk."

he has a point-

man up y/n

ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT IM IN THIS BODY ???

WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO

GET IN THE BOAT

"You're rowing," I muttered, helping him drag the boat to the edge of the water.

"Lazy," he grumbled, but didn't make any other signs of protest, "get in."

are you certain there isn't a better way to do this?

"Give me a minute-" I tried to steady my breathing, walking to the edge of the water, the short distance we had to cross suddenly feeling miles wide.

on second thought i don't need to go-

"Getting cold feet? You're the one who insisted we go-"

"I said give me a fucking minute," I snapped at him unconsciously, immediately turning back to look at his stunned expression. I could only imagine what my face looked like, probably a mirror of his, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

it's just-

"Is something wrong?" Levi asked after a long pause, moving to stand next to me.

"No-" I stammered, looking away from the water to rebalance myself.

i'm scared

"Is it the water?" He frowned at me, following my eyes as they avoided him, "we can turn back."

no

"I want to go," I murmured, "I really do."

"Then-" he looked around, as if an answer was suddenly going to appear if he scowled at the glistening expanse for long enough. "Do you think it'll be fine if you close your eyes?"

"Maybe-" I continued to avoid his gaze, "this is embarrassing."

"No it isn't," Levi scoffed, "you fucking drowned, of course you're scared of it- close your eyes."

ok-

"Don't push me-"

"Why the fuck would I do that?"

"I don't know-" I paused, my nails digging into the palm of my hand, "just a dumb worry I guess."

"Are you ok getting in?" He frowned, "it'll be harder with your eyes closed-"

"Give me a hand," I mumbled under my breath, squeezing my eyes shut.

"What?"

"I said give me a hand," I repeated, willing the shaking in my voice to settle down, holding out my hand in wait.

"Move slowly," I could feel Levi's warm hand in mine, slowly guiding me to the boat.

is it appropriate to call it his hand?

"Step now, careful," he helped me enter the boat, "you can sit down now."

"This is really stupid-"

"Stop saying that," a pause, "you drowned, what's stupid about that? Are you comfortable? I'm going to start moving now."

alright

"Go quickly," I urged him, gripping the sides of the boat.

"How are we going to get back-" Levi murmured, attempting to fill the silence a bit.

oh lord-

"Please don't make me think about that right now-"

"Sorry."

"Can we just get caught? That sounds much better than trying to make it back in secret-"

"I thought you were excited to sneak around?"

"Until I remembered that your castle is on an island," I sighed in exasperation, "though I suppose half of this situation is my own fault."

"You have to stop that," Levi sighed, "you sound like a hypocrite right now."

"How? I am making this more difficult than it has to be- it's annoying- I'm upset with myself."

i'm better than this

i don't want you to see this side of me

the part of me that can't do anything

the part that can't change no matter how hard i try

the part that just goes along with everything i'm told

i only want to be defiant in front of you

i want to be different- because i can

"Bullshit," he scoffed, I could just about hear his indignant expression. "Don't give me this shit when you were the one who helped me with mine."

oh

"But I-"

"No excuses, this is repayment, for all of your help with paperwork over the past few weeks."

"Aren't our situations a bit different? I mean you-" my voice faltered.

"Don't finish that bullshit sentence."

"Alright."

"Just-" he sighed, "let me do this."

"Can we both pretend to forget this ever happened? I feel like it's going to irreparably change our perceptions of each other," I joked, willing the entire experience to be over. "I mean god forbid I start to believe that you care."

too late

"We can try."

"That's a no isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Fuck."

"You're telling me," he grumbled.

"Try not to see me too vulnerable."

"Try not to get used to it."

what if i already am?

"It's best for everyone if we keep our distance isn't it?"

a pause

"You're right, we don't mix well."

everyone seems to think differently

"Why us?"

"Who knows," he muttered, "we're here." On cue I could feel a soft thud as the boat ran ashore.

finally

"You can open your eyes now, careful getting out."

"Levi," I hesitated for a second, "what if it can't go back to normal, even after we switch back?"

there's this unspoken question lingering between us

what if we don't want things to go back to how they were?

what does that mean for our relationship?

"Open your eyes."

i don't want to know what you look like when you respond

i want you to lie to me

you can't do that if i see you-

"Do I have to?"

"Unfortunately."

"That's not fair," I chuckled, blinking as I adjusted to the light.

"Nothings fair," he offered me a hand, pulling me back onto shore, "ask the question again?"

do i have to?

"What if everything doesn't go back?"

"Then it doesn't."

"That simple?"

"That simple."

do you want that future?

do i?

_____________________

awww he is situationally nice to her <3

- ami