a few days later, taehyung and yoongi sat on the couch in the living room with a bowl of potato chips.

the television was on, only peripherally playing, as yoongi watched taehyung's hand reach for the chips and then retract again, over and over. taehyung looked oddly tense. was he shaking too?

"do you want to eat?"

yoongi looked to taehyung carefully, unsure as to whether or not he should have said that.

he almost sighed in relief when taehyung replied.

"it's one of my fear foods," taehyung said. "but... yeah. i think so."

he smiled a bit, lips sealed but tilting to reveal a grin, and he took a chip. his hand looked fragile, almost translucent because of how thin and pale he was.

he took a slow bite and yoongi felt a surge of relief and joy. taehyung finished it in the few seconds that followed, and while yoongi could sense his slight discomfort, this was progress.

"i did it," taehyung said.

"yeah, you did." yoongi reached over to smooth out his hair, a gentle gesture of pride and care.

"are you proud of me?"

yoongi laughed softly. "yeah. really proud."

* * *

april 23, 2016.
journal entry 203.

tell me, what do you think when you look in the mirror?

do you love it? hate it?

don't you want to change it?

don't you look at yourself and wish that shattering the mirror would be enough to change everything? don't you wish that you could just disappear from the world forever and leave everything behind?

sometimes, i want to disappear. i want to just breathe and then disperse into aerosols until i'm gone. there's no point in staying here. i have no purpose.

i'm here to breathe and do nothing more, so what's the use in staying?

-taehyung

* * *

taehyung stepped onto the scale, too gingerly.

his steps were hesitant. bogum took notice but didn't comment.

taehyung closed his eyes as the number on the scale went up. he opened them to see bogum smiling and vaguely knew what the number was.

"46 kilograms," bogum said. "you've gained two."

bogum seemed happy, and while taehyung knew that he should have felt the same, he didn't. he forced a stiff smile, put his shirt on and left the bathroom with a cloudy mind.

he walked briskly past jimin in the hall and straight past hoseok as he went up the stairs to his room. he nearly collapsed as soon as he reached his room, crouching down to let out a single pathetic breath.

he breathed over and over again, panic filling every inch of his stomach. tears started clouding his vision, running down his cheeks violently. he stifled a sob, covering his mouth with his hand.

"taehyung?"

he breathed again.

"what happened?"

hoseok sat down on the floor beside him, pulling taehyung's hands away from his hair. taehyung himself hadn't even realized that he had been tugging at his hair until hoseok unwrapped his fingers from his brown strands.

"what happened?" hoseok asked again, slowly helping taehyung sit down and relax. he noted his fragile limbs, how small he looked curled into himself.

taehyung spoke softly, a new layer of tears surfacing in his eyes. hoseok felt his stomach lurch upon looking into his eyes; his gaze was so broken, so shattered. "i had a weigh in today."

oh.

oh.

hoseok realized. he knew what taehyung was going to say, but he remained silent to listen regardless.

"i gained two kilograms. i missed the last few weigh ins because i was doing so bad, so its been two weeks, and i gained two kilograms in two weeks," he said. "i know it's a good thing, but it's just... it doesn't feel like a good thing." tears continued to stream down his face. "i feel so disgusting and i just... i want to get better but getting better just feels so horrible."

his voice cracked and he leaned into hoseok's arms, burying his face in his chest. hoseok wrapped his arms around him, slightly alarmed at the harsh protruding of his ribs through his flesh.

"hoseok i... i just want to be thin," he said. "i just want to feel happy and... i want to be happy but i don't know how." taehyung's hands were shaking; hoseok could feel them trembling as he held onto the fabric of his shirt. "i hate myself. i... i really really hate myself, hoseok. i don't want to be here anymore."

hoseok wondered to himself where here was.

the treatment home? or the world?

"taehyung, i know it feels horrible. and it's understandable," hoseok murmured. "but this is the hardest part. the beginning is the hardest part. drug addiction and an eating disorder are so, so different, but recovery feels the same and... and trust me, this is the hardest part." he strengthened his hold around taehyung. "once you accept the idea of recovery and realize that it's what's right, it'll get easier. just... just hold on for a bit, okay?"

taehyung didn't respond, but he pulled away from hoseok slowly. facing hoseok, he let a small smile loose.

tears continued to stream down his pale cheeks, but he smiled.

needless to say, it broke hoseok's heart into pieces and he hugged taehyung again.

taehyung leaned into his touch, and for a moment, he forgot about the number on the scale.

for just a moment, his mind was focused on  only the person in front of him and the arms wrapped around his shoulders, and it felt okay.

he leaned in a bit closer, and hoseok's arms held on a little tighter.

a/n:

weLL

i haven't talked to my parents, and i'm honestly not doing better mentally. i just literally can't bring myself to talk to them? lmao.

tonight was a shitty night and my friends are all asleep so here i am ha. basically i cried a lot lol, and i guess i kind of want to die? it's weird idk, i kind of just want to sleep now so i think i'm just gonna end the a/n here. it's around one in the morning lol.

see you with the next update (probably in around a week or two).
thanks for reading ;)