about anything in order to have him stop calling.
Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmer’s last call, the
sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with
those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And
he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to
himself, "I'd better go to
that farmer's house and look at that sign... There
might be something there that WE could use to slow
down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house,
and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of
plywood. And written in large yellow letters were
the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
GIẢI QUYẾT VẤN NẠN GIAO THÔNG
Một nông dân sống trên một quốc lộ nông thôn yên
tĩnh. Nhưng thời gian trôi qua và giao thông dần dần
lên đến một mức độ báo động. Giao thông quá đông
đúc và quá nhanh đến độ gà của ông bị cán ở mức
độ ba đến sáu con mỗi ngày.Vì vậy một ngày kia
ông gọi văn phòng cảnh sát trưởng và nói:”Ông phải
làm cái gì đó về tất cả những người lái xe quá nhanh
và giết tất cả gà của tôi.” “Ông muốn tôi làm gì?”
cảnh sát trưởng hỏi.
“Tôi không biết, hãy làm gì đó về những người lái
xe đó.”
Vì vậy, ngày hôm sau cảnh sát trưởng cho cho nhân
viên hạt đi dựng lên một tấm biển đề: ĐI CHẬM
LẠI: ĐIỂM BĂNG NGANG TRƯỜNG.
Ba ngày sau, bác nông dân gọi cảnh sát trưởng và
nói:”Ông phải làm cái gì đó về những người lái xe
đó.Tấm biển “điểm băng ngang trường” có vẻ làm
họ đi nhanh hơn.” Vì thế, một lần nữa, cảnh sát
trưởng cho nhân viên hạt đi và dựng một tấm biển
mới:ĐI CHẬM LẠI: TRẺ EM ĐANG CHƠI ĐÙA.
Và tấm biển đó thực sự làm người ta đi nhanh. Vì
thế bác nông dân gọi và gọi và gọi mỗi ngày trong
ba tuần. Cuối cùng bác hỏi cảnh sát trưởng:”Những
tấm biển của ông không làm gì tốt cả. Tôi dựng lên
tấm biển của tôi có được không?”
Cảnh sát trưởng nói với bác:”Việc đó được, hãy
dựng lên tấm biển của riêng ông.” Cảnh sát trưởng
dự định để bác nông dân làm bất cứ điều gì để làm
cho bác ngưng gọi. À, viên cảnh sát trưởng không
nhận điện từ bác nông dân nữa.
Ba tuần sau cú điện thoại cuối cùng của bác nông
dân, cảnh sát trưởng quyết định gọi ông. “Vấn đề
với những tài xế kia ra sao rồi? Ông có dựng lên tấm
biển của ông không?”
“Ồ, tôi có dựng. Và không có con gà nào bị giết từ
khi đó cả. Tôi phải đi. Tôi rất bận.” Và bác nông dân
gác điện thoại. Viên cảnh sát trưởng tự nhủ:”Ta nên
đi tới nhà ông nông dân nọ và nhìn tấm biển ... Có
thể có cái gì đó ở đó mà chúng ta có thể dùng để làm
những người lái xe đi chậm lại ...”
Vì vậy viên cảnh sát lái tới nhà bác nông dân, và
ông ta thấy tấm biển. Nguyên một tấm gỗ dán. Và
được viết chữ màu vàng cỡ lớn là những từ: ĐI
CHẬM LẠI: KHU CỦA NHỮNG NGƯỜI KHỎA
THÂN.
---------------------
Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case... ok."
Next, Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to
marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of
the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok."
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World
Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as
a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents
than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-
law."
President: "Ah, in that case... ok."
This is how business is done!!!
There’s a Spanish guy, this Russian guy, and this
Korean guy all working for the same construction
company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and
says to the Spanish guy, “You’re in charge of the
cement.”
And to the Russian guy: “You’re in charge of the
dirt.”
And to the Korean guy: “You’re in charge of the
supplies.”
Then he says, “I’ll be back at the end of the day to
check on your work. It better be good, or you’re fired.”
The end of the day comes and the boss returns to
check on them. He looks at the big pile of cement
and goes, “Good work,” to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, “Good
work,” to the Russian guy.
He doesn’t see the Korean guy anywhere so he asks,
“Where the heck is the Korean guy?”
All of a sudden the Korean guy jumps out from
behind the big pile of dirt, waves his hands in the
air, and yells: “SUPPLIES!!!” (he thought the boss
said "surprised")
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a
difference for an organization. Last week, we took
some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in
his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought
our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon
in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better
prepared; we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he
was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have
that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.
"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm
I mentioned also found out that we can save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you
know what, we can pull it out without touching it
and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it
back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the
others, but I use the spoon."
Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Saw Lee : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who is
this?
Lee Sum Wan : I am Sum Wan. And i need to talk
to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to
talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan
that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an
accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is
going to the hospital.
Mr Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no one
was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt
an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i
dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Saw Lee : Im Saw Lee.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me
your name!
Mr Saw Lee : Im Saw Lee!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr
and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Saw Lee : Look lady, I told you already Im Saw
Lee! Im Saw Lee!! Im Saw Lee!!! You didnt even
give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum
Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum
Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in
the co. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Saw Lee : Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i
dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody
thinks his top dog and holding an important position
in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my
aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Saw Lee : Like i said i dont care which one of ur
aunt screws everybody and i also know that not
everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in
gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and
if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A
system saying. "Attention, someone called and said
that anyones brother just got involved in an accident.
But not to worry no one got injured and no one was
sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the
hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but
if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. "how bout that!?
PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE
GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST
BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the
Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you
have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you
sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get
it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing
Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me
what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your
software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side
of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
there?"
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you
have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got
me at the grocery store."
--------------------------------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you
running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--------------------------------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I
performed an illegal abortion."
--------------------------------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
--------------------------------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I
urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-
system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a
floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an
Intel inside."
--------------------------------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a
problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say
now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
--------------------------------------------------
16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech
support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power
supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup
files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to
replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed
to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell
me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is
right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our
customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the
problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at
the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still
smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of
DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a
patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about
what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power
supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't
compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product
identification no: right now and
may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My
Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your
computer?
A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight
returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated
next to a priest and asks"
Excuse me father, may I ask a favour of you?"
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he
replies.
"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a
superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I
paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the
limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will
confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it
through Customs for me under your robes?"
"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I
really am not ever able to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father, surely they
will never ask any questions of you," and with that
she hands him the hair remover.
After landing they proceed through Customs and it
becomes the father's turn in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the
Custom's officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist I have
nothing to declare my son."
Finding this answer a little strange the custom's
officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the
floor, what do you have to declare?"
The father replies, "I have a marvellous little
instrument destined to be used on a woman, but
which has never yet been used..."
Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go
right through father.
Next!"
Mr.Knott is a teacher of a school in London. It's a
long way to his school from his house so he is
usually tired when he gets home.
One day, he got home, was tired as uasual. He was
in bed when someone called him. He went
downstairs, picked up the phone and said,' Hello.
Who's speaking. please?'
- Watt.
- What's your name, sir?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, I asked you that. What's your name?
- I told you. Watt's my name. Are you Jack Smith?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you give me your name, please?
- Will Knott.
Both the men hanged up the phone angrily and
thought,' What a stupid, rude man.'
Here're some story to be examble :
1) One man go to rhe coffee shop . The waiter go to
his table and ask him:
Waiter: Do you want to drink some black coffee ?
Customer: What're another color do you have ?
2)Gilr : Say you love me ! Say you love me !...
Boy : You love me !
Next story:
3) Teacher : George Washinton not only chooped
down his father's tree , he also admtted doing it .
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him
?
Student : Because he still have the axe in his hand
!!!
Continue with this story :
4) Teacher : Can you give an examble with
Coincidence ?
Student : Sir , " my mother and my father married in
same day and same time !!!
A young mother was taking her baby for a walk in
the park. Some little boys came past, looked at the
baby, and started laughing, One of them said"
-Look! What an ugly baby!
The mother was very sad and she started to cry, She
passed an old man who was sitting on a park bench
eating his lunch. He said to her:
-Come on, cheer up, don't cry. Here, have one of my
sandwiches. And here's a banana for your
CLOCKS IN HEAVEN
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in
front
of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge
wall
of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone
on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the
hands
on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never
moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's
clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe
told
only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling fan."
Mr.Knott is a teacher of a school in London. It's
a long way to his school from his house so he is
usually tired when he gets home.
One day, he got home, was tired as uasual. He
was in bed when someone called him. He went
downstairs, picked up the phone and said,' Hello.
Who's speaking. please?'
- Watt.
- What's your name, sir?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, I asked you that. What's your name?
- I told you. Watt's my name. Are you Jack
Smith?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you give me your name, please?
- Will Knott.
Both the men hanged up the phone angrily and
thought "What a stupid, rude man."
Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any
duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for
it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed
store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk
says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks,
"Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have
duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never
will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail
your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any
nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
The Birds And The Bees
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into
tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s
no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the
‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight,
you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech…”
”Sorry about that, but so what?” the father asked.
“…If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups
don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live
for.”
An opportunity
There are a lot of different kinds of Christian groups
in the world, and one of them decided that they
would adopt the motto: "There are no problems,
There are only opportunities. People think too much
about dificulities which prevent them from doing
good deeds", they said, "and not enough about
things that help them to do then".
Once this group was having a big conference in a
hotel, when one of the members came up to the
cofnerence inquiries desk and to the girl behind it,
"Excuse me, mis, but I have a problem!"
The girl pointed to the motto, and said to the
man,"No, sir, you haven't got a problem. You only
have an opportunity"
The man smiled patiently at her and answered:
"Well, you can call it whatever you like, but there's a
young woman in the room I was given when I
arrived 20' ago".
No comment!
The bomb and the pilot
3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I
have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot
told him to throw it out the window. The second one
asked the same question and the pilot also told him
to throw it out the window. The third one asked the
pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The
pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they
landed they met a man crying. When asked why he
was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head
with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was
crying for the same reason. Then the met a man
laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and
he replied, "Because I walked by a building and
farted. Then the building blew up.
Post Merge: Tháng Sáu 04, 2009, 08:37:50 AM
Fishing and Whiskey
One Saturday morning,Glen decided to go fishing.
He sat there for hours,but nothing.The bottle whiskey that he've took with him,was also empty.He
throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby
rock.
All of a sudden,there was something on the hook.He
pulled the fish out of the water.The only fish for the
day so far.The fish was so small,Glen decided to
throw it back.
The little fish was so exited,to such an extend,that it
decided to give Glen one wish.
He asked the little fish for some more whiskey.The
fish said,"Allright then,when you're urinating,it will
be pure whiskey."
So Glen sat there,and wonder,can this really be ?
Glen took a glass and urinate in it.It was pure,pure
whiskey.
A while later,a women,who was standing
nearby,comes to him and asks,"sir are you allright ?
I saw you drinking your own piss" ."no",said
Glen,"it's whiskey."
The women laughed.He urinate into the glass,and
gave it to her.She could'nt believe it.
So they sat there almost for the rest of the day,
drinking whiskey.
After about the seventh double,she asks Glen for
another one.He looked her in the eye,throw the glass
into pieces against the rock and said "What about
drinking out of the bottle ?"
More funny stories for you all:
Woman's tear
Three husbands met each other.
The first one who was a soldier said:
- Woman's tear is a classic weapon but very
dangerous.
The second one who was a weatherforcaster said:
- Woman's tear is a light shower but it can become a
flood that can dip many person's dead.
The third one who was a chemist said:
- Woman's tear is a special chemical that can ruin
steely hearts.
Last time
- Have you read the Bible yet?
- Yes, I have. Why do you ask me this?
- Do you know, when God pulled out Adam's rib to
make Eve, the first woman, what did God say?
- God said: "This is the last time when you can sleep
peacefully!!"
A woman was having some trouble with her heart,
so she went to see the doctor.He was a new doctor,
and did not know her ,so he first asked some
questions , and one of them was ,"How old are you
?"
"well," she answered , "I dont remember ,doctor ,
but I will try to think" She though for a minute and
then said , "Yes ,I remember now ,doctor ! When I
married , I was eighteen years old ,and my husband
was thirty.Now my husband is sixty,I know ; and
that is twice thirty .So I am twice eighteen .That is
thirty-six, isn't it?
Post Merge: Tháng Bảy 28, 2009, 08:58:54 PM
One morning Nasreddin left his house with six
donkeys to go to the market. After a time, he got
tired and got on to one of them. He counted the
donkeys, and there were only five, so he got off and
went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked but
did not find it, so he went back to the donkeys and
counted them again. This time there were six, so he
got on to one of them again and they all stated.
After a few minutes he counted the donkeys again,
and again there were only five! While he was
counting again a friend of his passed, and Nasreddin
said to him,' I left my house with six donkeys; then I
had five; then I had six again; and now I have only
five!Look! One,two,three,four,five.
'But, Nasreddin,' his friend said, 'you are sitting on a
donkey too! That is the sixth! And you are the
seventh!'
CHANCE
One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada
with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted
to speak to the president of the Bank in order to
open a savings account because, she said, she had a
lot of money.
After many discussions an employee took her along
to the office of the president.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she
wanted to deposit.
She answered him 165.000$, while putting the
money on his desk.
Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving
such a lot of money. The old lady answered him that she made bets.
The president quite surprised asked her: "Which
kind of bets?"
The old lady answered him: “For example, I bet you
25 000 $ that your testicles are square".
The president started to laugh and pointed out that
this kind of bets was impossible to win!
Then, the old lady replied: "Would like you to make
this bet?".
«Certainly, answered the president, I guarantee you
25.000$ that my testicles are not square".
The old lady thus said to him: "I agree. But given
the importance of the implied sum, I will come back
tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as witness if
you don’t see any inconvenience".
"No problem“ said the president of the Bank very
trustfully.
That evening, the president became very nervous
about the bet and spent a long time in front of his
mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all
directions, again and again, in order to make sure
that his damned testicles could not be seen as square
and therefore to be sure to win this bet. .
On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived
with her lawyer at the office of the president to
confirm the bet of 25.000$ for the fact that his
testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was in
agreement with the commitments taken the day
before.
The old lady thus asked him to drop his trousers, and
the remainder, so that she and her lawyer can see
everything; what the president kindly did. The old
lady came then closer to see and asked him whether
she could touch them or not.
“Of course please do!", said the president to her,
given the fact that there is so much money involved,
you must be 100% sure.
And the lady started to do so with a smile..
The president realized that the lawyer was strucking
his head against the wall.
He asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting
like that.
She answered: "It is probably due to the fact that I
bet 100.000$ with him that, around 10 AM, I would
be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank
of Canada in my hands!
What happened while the train was in the tunnel?
One day, a few years ago, a train was travelling
through the English countryside. This was in the
days when the trains had small compartments, and in
one particular compartment there were four people.
There was a young girl, quite pretty, who looked
like a student or someone who was first starting her
first job; there was an old lady, dressed in black with
bag and magazines and knitting; there was an army
officer in his mid-thirties, immaculately dressed in
his uniform and very stiff and proper in his manner;
and finally there was a young cockney, casually
dressed with a sparkle in his eye and ever ready to
have a joke. It was quite obvious that both the men
were attracted to the young girl, though the officer
certainly wouldn’t show it and the cockney felt
inhabited by the presence of he others.
Suddenly the train when into a tunnel; the light had
not been put on, so for half a minute the carriage
was completely in the darkness, and in the darkness
came a the sound of a large kiss followed almost
immediately by a loud slap. What had taken place
while the train was in the tunnel?
When the train finally emerged and it was light
again in the carriage, there for all to see was the
officer with a bleeding nose and a swollen eye.
And the old lady, seeing this, thought to herself,
“What a brave young lady, who dared to hit the
officer for stealing a kiss in such a cowardly way”
And the young girl, seeing the suffering of the
officer, was puzzled “How strange, she thought, that
the officer should kiss the old lady, and not me.”
The poor officer, nursing two injures that caused
him more than a little pain embarrassment,
considered to himself, “that cockney’s quite a clever
chap. He kissed the girl and the girl hit me!”
And the cockney laughed suddenly to himself at the
trick he had played. “I am a clever chap”, he thought
to himself, “I kissed the back of my hand , hit the
officer in the face and nobody said a word.”
A Woman's Dream
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally
tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters.
He is so striking that the woman can not take her
eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive
stares and walks directly toward her. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring
he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything that you want me to do for
$20... But, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition
is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words." The woman
considers his proposition for a moment and then
removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she
presses into the man's hand along with her address.
She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and
meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
White Hairs
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette
hair.
Curious, the little girl looked at her mother and
asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do
something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my
hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this for a while and then
asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs
are white?"
Punctuate Correctly
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman
without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and
told the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is
nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is
nothing."
Beach Genie
A man was walking along a Florida beach and
stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and
rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the
lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm
getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget
about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and
said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm
scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build
me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to
visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the
supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think
of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think
of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good
wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced
four times. My wives always said that I don't care
and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know
how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when
they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're
crying, know what they really want when they say
"nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two
lanes or four?"
Reading in the Boat
One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning
Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with se xual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game
warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
The Perfect Spouse
A young lady visited a computer dating service and
requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please
help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker
said, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let
me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous,
sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.
Willing to accompany me the whole day at home
during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to
tell me interesting stories when I need a companion
for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the
computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the
results to the woman. The results read, "Buy a
television."
Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years,
even though they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard
deep into the night. The old man would shout,
"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of
your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the
many strange occurrences that took place in their
neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was
feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack
when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the
wake. After the burial, she went straight home and
began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her
neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't
you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way
up and out of the grave and come back and haunt
you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her
drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him
buried upside down.
Pick That Up!
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to
do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't
imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am
always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week
after we were married I told my husband firmly,
'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you
are done and put back in its place.'" The first woman
asked, "Did it help?" Her friend said, "I don't know.
I haven't seen him since."
God Is Watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of
the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching." Moving further along the lunch
line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The Gifted Artist
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while they were drawing. She
would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl
replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and
said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute.
husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years
of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire
laundry list of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their
marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The
woman shut up and quietly
sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is
what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
fish.'
HOW BUSINESS IS DONE?
Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case…ok”
Next, Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to
marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of
the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally, Father goes to see the president of the
World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as
a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice- presidents
than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-
law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…ok”
This is how business is done!!
Surrogate father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate
father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-
to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a
sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've
made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where
do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well,
when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde
Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes
widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than
three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could
hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels
actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? .......
Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
The laugher
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then
walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is
weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying
condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store,
purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a
rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I
want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He
buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his
clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the
store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the
pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a
voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,
a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after
awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again
the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, and a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell
were you when I got married?"
Short funny english stories
Tuesday, 28. October 2008, 07:44
Relax
10 stories
1. Money And Friends
"Since he lost his money, half his friends don't know
him any more"
"And the other half ?"
"They don't know yet that has lost it"
1.Tiền và bạn
- Từ ngày hắn mất tiền, phân nửa bạn bè của hắn
không còn biết tới hắn nữa.
- Còn nửa kia ?
- Họ chưa biết là hắn đã mất tiền.
2. Father Wants To Go To Bed
Next-door Neighbor's Little Boy : "Father say could
you lend him your cassette player for tonight ?"
Heavy - Metal Enthusiast : "Have you a party on ?"
Little Boy : "Oh, no. Father only wants to go to bed
".
2.Bố cháu muốn đi ngủ
Chú bé hàng xóm cạnh nhà : - Bố cháu hỏi tối nay
chú có thể cho bố cháu mượn cái cassette được
không ạ ?
Người mê nhạc rock nặng : - Bộ nhà cháu có tiệc
tùng gì hả ?
Chú bé: - Ồ không, bố cháu chỉ muốn đi ngủ.
3. The River Isn't Deep
A stranger on horse back came to a river with which
he was unfamiliar. The traveller asked a youngster if
it was deep.
"No", replied the boy, and the rider started to cross,
but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for
their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned
and shouted : "I thought you said it wasn't deep ?"
"It isn't", was the boy's reply : "it only takes
grandfather's ducks up to their middles !"
3.Dòng sông không sâu
Một lữ khách đi ngựa đến một dòng sông xa lạ. Ông
ta hỏi một thiếu niên xem dòng sông ấy có sâu
không.
- Không đâu, - chú bé đáp, và người kỵ mã bắt đầu
vượt sông. Nhưng ngay sau đó ông nhận ra cả người
lẫn ngựa đều phải bơi trối chết.
Khi người lữ khách đã tới bờ bên kia, ông quay lại
hét lên : - Tao cứ tưởng mày nói là sông không sâu.
- Ðúng thế mà, - chú bé đáp, - nước sông này chỉ
ngập ngang bụng lũ vịt của ông cháu thôi.
4. My Daughter's Music Lessons
"My daughter's music lessons are a fortune to me ?"
"How is that ?"
"They enabled me to buy the neighbors' houses at
half price".
4. Giá trị của những bài học nhạc
- Những bài học nhạc của con gái tôi là cả một gia
sản của tôi đó.
- Tại sao vậy ?
- Chúng giúp tôi mua được các ngôi nhà của hàng
xóm chỉ bằng nửa giá tiền thôi.
5. A Policeman And A Reporter
Country Policeman (at the scene of murder) : "You
can't come in here"
Reporter : "But I've been sent to do the murder"
Country Policeman : "Well, you're too late; the
murder's been done".
5. Cảnh sát và phóng viên
Cảnh sát vùng quê (tại hiện trường một vụ án mạng)
: - Anh không được vào đây.
Phóng viên : - Nhưng tôi được phái đến đây làm vụ
án mạng này.
Cảnh sát vùng quê : - A, anh muộn mất rồi ; vụ án
mạng đã làm xong.
6. A Cow Grazing
Artist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing"
Visitor : "Where is the grass ?"
Artist : "The cow has eaten it"
Visitor : "But where is the cow ?"
Artist : "You don't suppose she'd be fool enough to
stay there after she'd eaten all the grass, do you ?"
6. Bò ăn cỏ
Họa sĩ : - Bức tranh đó vẽ một con bò đang ăn cỏ
đấy, thưa ông.
Khách : - Có thấy cỏ đâu ?
Họa sĩ : - Con bò ăn hết rồi.
Khách : - Thế còn con bò đâu ?
Họa sĩ : - Chứ bộ ông tưởng con bò lại ngu đến mức
đứng ỳ ở đó sau khi đã ăn hết cỏ sao ông ?
7. Let's Work Together
"Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?"
"That's just where I want to go. Let's work together.
You go south, and I'll go north, and we'll report
progress every time we meet"
7. Ta hãy phối hợp với nhau
- Nhờ anh chỉ cho đường đến bưu điện ?
- Chính tôi cũng muốn tới đó. Ta hãy phối hợp với
nhau. Anh đi hướng nam, tôi đi hướng bắc, và chúng
ta sẽ tường thuật lại tiến triển mỗi khi mình gặp
nhau.
8. The French People Have Difficulty
"Did you have any difficulty with your French in
Paris ?"
"No, but the French people did"
8. Người Pháp không rành tiếng Pháp
- Anh có gặp khó khăn gì với vốn tiếng Pháp của
anh khi tới Paris không?
- Không có, nhưng người Pháp thì quả là có.
9. Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper,
mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a
moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in
this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty
first victim".
9. Bí mật khủng khiếp
Chú bé bán báo : - Bí mật khủng khiếp đây! Năm
mươi nạn nhân! Mua báo không, thưa ông?
Khách qua đường : - Lại đây, tao lấy một tờ. (Ðọc
qua một hồi) - Này, thằng nhóc kia, trong báo có
thấy tin nào như vậy đâu. Nó nằm ở chỗ nào chớ?
Chú bé bán báo : - Ðó chính là điều bí mật, thưa
ông. Ông là nạn nhân thứ năm mươi mốt đấy.
10. Why Do They Have French Lesson?
"What's the idea of the Greens having French
lessons ?"
"They have adopted a French baby, and want to
understand what she says when she begins to talk".
10. Học tiếng Pháp để là gì ?
- Vì cớ gì mà gia đình Green lại học tiếng Pháp chứ?
- Họ vừa nhận nuôi một bé sơ sinh người Pháp nên
muốn hiểu nó sẽ nói gì khi bắt đầu tập nói.
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
(source unknown)
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the
time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell
is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where
the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a** to
search the entire room for the TV remote because
they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your
cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake
if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you
look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep
looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya
see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the
cinema and stare at the damn floor!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...
Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is
it? If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then there must
have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell???
Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!!
What can you do thats longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone
asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would
I be standing here???
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's
statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to
go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to
discourage any thoughts that you may need an
operation. We believe that as long as you are an
employee here, you will need all of whatever you
have and should not consider having anything
removed. We hired you as you are, and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less
than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for them, and we are sure that someone
else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the
funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early,
provided your share of the work is ahead enough to
keep the job going in your absence.
Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your
duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice
of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those
whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-
8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when
your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
A beer before it starts
A man came home from work, sat down in his
favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his
wife,
"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said,
"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him
a beer.
When it was gone, he said,
"Quick, get me a beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top,
"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass
down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me
to run around like your slave getting you beer after
beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long ????"
The husband sighed and said " Oh, shit , It started"
What happened ?
Policeman : Did you see the accident, sir?
Man: Yes, I did.The driver of that car hit that
post over there.
Policeman : What happened?
Man: A dog ran across the road and the driver
tried to avoid it. The car suddenly came towards me.
It climbed on to the pavement and crashed into that
post.
Policeman : What did you do?
Man: I ran across after the dog.
Policeman: Why did you do that ? Were you afraid
of the car ?
Man: I wasn't afraid of the car. I was afraid of
the driver. The driver got out of the car and began
shouting at me. He was very angry with me.
Policeman:
Man: You see, it was my dog.
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting
drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey,
why are you sitting here on this beautiful day,
getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and
replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man
asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my
cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she
lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some
things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked. The
farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post
on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg
and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer
replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So,
what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post
on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked
over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some
things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope,
so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In
that moment, my pants fell down and my wife
walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
***
To Absent Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finished all three, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You
know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste
better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman
replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days we all
drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman
becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the
same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three
pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the
other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When
he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment,
then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no,
' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!
***
Drink 'Till She's Cute
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a
hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to
him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the
shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his
shirt pocket. This continued several times before the
man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over
to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but
notice your little ritual, why in the world do you
look into your shirt pocket every time you drink