Chapter 20

I had wanted to think that I was doing all this for Rin. Honestly, it was easier to tell myself this and to believe it because I didn't want to be that kind of selfish bastard who only cared about what they wanted and what they didn't have.

I didn't have Kongpob, couldn't have him no matter how much I want him. But I knew I couldn't give up. Even though he may never love me, never look at me the way I look at him when he isn't watching, I couldn't give up. As long as Kongpob is available, as long as I am available, this feeling that I have will always eat at me and threaten me. I am afraid that I may literally lose myself and do something that I shouldn't. So yes, the decision I made to marry Rin wasn't just for Rin but for me as well.

I came to this understanding the day Bright showed up with a banged-up person in handcuffs who also happened to be Rin's brother.

We were just about to leave the house for some arrangement my mother told us was necessary for the wedding when he came. I stood speechless next to Rin. Bright was standing next to Rin's brother and he nudged him forward. The man as I knew him had a mean face, always full of earrings and tattoos. He looked like the typical street thug but today he looked different. Annoyed yes, unwilling too but there was a softness to his rough edges that weren't there before and he looked at Rin.

She clenched her fingers around my sleeve and didn't say anything.

"What do you want?"

"Rin I... I..."

"Just say it!" Bright barked at him.

"I am sorry!" he bowed his head and sounded choked with tears. "I am sorry that you had to have me for a brother."

Rin and I exchanged glances. What did Bright do to him, aside from beat him up?

"I didn't mean to do all that I did to you, I swear. It was just easier to take it out on you. I didn't mean any of it, you have to believe me. "

"She doesn't have to do anything, you sick bastard. How dare you—"

"P'Arthit," Rin said, putting that honorific to my name for the first time in a long time. "Let him finish."

"When-when mom and dad died, I was unable to deal with my grief. I wasn't thinking about anyone else but you were just there, needing things that I couldn't give. I am not a good person Rin, I would be lying if I said that I tried to be. I am the worst kind of person and the only thing I can say to you is that I am sorry that you had to have me as your brother." He stopped and glanced at Bright. "I-I took my name out of our family registry. Now I am just Ken and I have no relation to you whatsoever. I won't ever bother you again. I won't come near you again, Rin. I promise."

I looked at Rin and found tears shining in her eyes. I thought I would see anger or hurt there but those were tears of relief. "Is that all you came to say?" she asked

"Y-yes. "he looked uncertainly back at Bright. "Is that not enough?" Bright passed him a paper and he raised it to Rin. "This is proof that we don't share any family relationship. Take it."

I walked over and grabbed the affidavit from him. Glancing at Bright for a second or two, I read and nodded at Rin. She sighed visibly.

"Then go. I can't forgive you because I know that you are not truly sorry. Now that we have no relationship with each other I am going to do my best to forget that you even exist. Goodbye, Ken." She turned then and went into the house.

Bright nodded to the policeman and he came to drag Ken away. Ken yelled. "You will keep your promise, right?"

He was dragged into the car without Bright answering him.

"What promise?" I asked.

"nothing." He sighed heavily, looking really worn out.

"Why did you do this, Bright?"

"Why do you think." He glared at me. Bright hasn't forgiven me for wanting to go on with the wedding despite his feelings for Rin. As if there was anything I could do about it.

"Doing this... I am sure that Rin is touched but—"

"It wasn't just me. I mean I did do all the work but the idea was Kongpob's. He has feelings for you too."

I laughed and tried not to show too much surprise as I shook my head. "You can't be more wrong, Bright. He doesn't have feelings for me, he is just... confused, that's all."

"You don't really believe that, do you? And even if you do, don't you like him too." I didn't have an answer to that so I looked away. "Then it doesn't make sense for you and Rin to get married. Aside from that, your relationship isn't like that. You know this, Arthit and you don't want to do this either. Now, you don't have to."

"I don't..." I really couldn't find anything to say to refute what Bright was saying.

"I'm leaving. If this isn't enough to stop you then I don't know what else to do. "he walked away without looking back and I envied his resolve. If only I could make a decision and stop wavering like him because even though I am trying to contain myself, my heart was trembling. I wanted to ask him so many things, all of them about Kongpob. Why did he do this? No, I had the answer to that, but I still wanted to know the real reason why Kongpob doesn't want me married to Rin. Is it because he knows I don't love her, is it just that? And why didn't he come with Bright.

I allowed Bright to walk away without saying a word because I wasn't sure of what to say. Standing there, staring at nothing, I didn't know what to do and which way to turn.

I should see Kongpob. No, I needed to speak with Rin first, but maybe I should see Kongpob first.

I didn't realize that quite some time had passed until Rin touched my shoulder. She was standing next to me with confusion on her face. "Are you alright? Why are you just standing there?"

"What? Yeah..."

"Want to come in now or are you really that surprised by what Bright did." She had a small smile on her face and it looked genuine. She never talked about Bright without making some kind of grimace or snide comment, but now she was smiling.

"Apparently it wasn't just him," I said and laughed. " Kongpob was part of it too"

"Can't say I am surprised." I stared at and she laughed. "Bright isn't that considerate or smart for that matter, even if he has the guts to do it. Kongpob would have to be the one who came up with the idea. "

I shook my head. "Just when I thought I had him all figured out. Why would he go to all such lengths just to stop my wedding? "

"Because he is in love with you." Rin rolled her eyes and shoved at me. "I bet you want to go running into his arms now."

I didn't say anything but I saw her shoulders sag when she thought I wasn't looking. "What about you, feeling like running after Bright?"

"As if. " she scoffed and I smiled. "It's not that I am not touched that he did this and all of that, I am. Touched enough to say hi to him on the road and not frown at the mere mention of his name but not touched enough to want to date him." She made a face which I found funny, though I felt a touch bad for Bright.

Sighing she began to play with the frills on her skirt. "Don't let that stop you though. You should go after Kongpob."

I exhaled harshly and shook my head. "I don't want to back out just like that, Rin. Even if your brother—I mean Ken. Even if Ken isn't going to be a problem anymore, I still want to honor my promise."

"Really? You just want an excuse not to run after Kongpob don't you." Her expression was playful, teasing but it didn't fool me.

I said," no. there is no future with Kongpob. I have to accept that. If I see him, if I go to him, it is not because I want to be with him. I mean I do but he doesn't want to be with me. That's the truth, Rin." I stopped her from interrupting and shook my head. "It's never going to work out. And I need to get married just as much as you do."

"But what if something changes, what if you regret it."

"The only way I would regret it is if, and only if Kongpob wants me back."

"But by then you'd be married to me and miserable."

"Are you planning to make me miserable, is that what you are planning to do after we get married because if that's the case then I better find someone else. I'm sure there are a million other girls who would just love to marry a man who is in love with someone else."

She chuckled, tears pooling in her eyes. " so what, I am actually pretty rare, aren't I"

"You are pretty much all I have Rin."

She started crying and hid her face against my chest. "I thought for sure that you were going to go running after him. I didn't know what I was going to do."

This startled me so much, I grabbed her arm. "Why are you crying, Rin."

"Don't mind me, I am an idiot. I just love you so much, P'Arthit."

"Are you still doing that?"

"I know you like it when Kongpob does it."

"He is actually younger than me. "

"As am I." she wrapped her arms around my torso and lay her head on my chest. I felt her sniffle. "You are so good to me, Arthit."

"Is that what you call it, "I asked with an uneasy smile.

"I will be good to you too, I promise."

I sighed and made up my mind that I was going to protect this. Even if we didn't turn out to be the regular husband and wife, Rin would always be happy. But I wasn't thinking far ahead.

Two days later, just after writing my finals, I told Kongpob the truth and the date of the wedding which I knew he wanted. I made up my mind to spend the day with Kongpob without any ill feelings, I wanted to get rid of any lingering thoughts that I had about Kongpob.

But nothing prepared me for the hurt in his eyes and his desperation. It made a sweet feeling start up in my chest and eat up my entire heart. I wanted to hold him and reassure him, do anything to take away the pain but then what. What happens after that?

I will tell you: Rejection. Kongpob loves someone else and I love him, a love triangle like this only exist in novels and I don't want to carry on this hopeless feeling forever, which I will whether I marry Rin or not but marrying Rin would keep me from reaching out and grabbing Kongpob like I just did, from obeying the pull to be next to him. It would give me control.

"So it didn't matter what I did, "he said. "Your mind is already made up."

I nodded carefully and held his eyes. "It is for the best, Kongpob."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. You love your soulmate don't you?"

His eyes took on such haunted light that I almost took the words back, but it was true. Kongpob could not be mine, even if he wanted to. His heart has already been chosen and it was time I understood that and embraced it.

"P'Arthit you want to tell me that you are getting married because I can't return your feelings but that is so unfair. It is so unfair, you don't know how." I have to admit that seeing Kongpob in pain felt both good and bad to me. Seeing it was like a salve and acid to my soul at the same time.

"I'll admit it if it would make you feel better to know that I have feelings... for you. But it is a feeling I cannot act on. I can't be the one for you—"

"I get it, Kongpob. You are already the one to someone else so why do you want to stop me from getting married. Is it because it's Rin? If it wasn't Rin would that be okay? Is it because I don't love her? Okay, then I promise to love her. Tell me Kongpob if it was someone else and I loved them, will it be okay?"

He stared at me and I could see the war waging in his face. He bit his lip and looked away when he couldn't take it anymore. The breath he took felt like a final nail to the coffin of our conflicted and confusing relationship.

"You are right, P'Arthit. if I thought you loved Rin, I wouldn't stop you from getting married. But you don't. You don't love her and I don't want you to live in regret."

I pulled in my lip as I looked at him and then I felt like laughing but I held it in so as not to seem hysterical. I don't know why a part of me had been hinging on to every word that Kongpob said as if it was air, as if it was life itself and now that the truth was out with its finality, I am left feeling stupid for depending on something else for breath.

I nodded and smiled equally. "So give me today. Let me be just Arthit and you just be Kongpob and let's not talk about our life."

"No, " he whispered.

I hoped I didn't hear him but he said more firmly. "No, I can't. I don't want to play pretend. I hate this. I can't stand this." with that he took himself out of the seat and out the door.

I guess it is my fault for hoping he'd let me have one thing. I should have known better. I sighed and remain seated without touching my coffee or ordering anything else.

When I returned home, I tried, tried so hard not to let my feelings show. Rin and my mother were happily discussing arrangements in her room and I entered the house quietly. I stood by the door hopelessly confused and then I grabbed at the leg of my pants and moaned in pain. It felt like my heart was going to tear into two.

Why am I not stronger than this? I thought my mind was made up, I thought I was ready,

"Fuck," I groaned as tears spilled my eyes, "no, don't'"

I was telling myself to keep my feelings in, my voice in my very soul in but this was breaking me. This was hurting me so badly, I just can't. what kind of love is this strong. Why am I unable to let go. I want to let go. Somebody, please help me let go.

"Arthit is that you."

My mother's voice made me stop quietly and I turned to hide my face and wipe the tears. I turned back just as they both came to the leaving room.

"Are you alright?" I nodded to my mother and glanced at Rin. She was wearing the veil to her wedding dress.

"That looks nice," I said.

"Are you okay, you don't look so good. "

"I'm good."

"But why are you back so early."

"uh, Kongpob had plans so... anyway, do you still need me to run any errands?"

"oh yes, " my mother started, "there is so much still left to be done, have you hired the cars yet?"

"I think he has," Rin said before I could. "You look exhausted, Arthit. Why don't you rest for a bit."

I shook my head. "No, I'm good. Give me a list and I'll get everything."

"Great," my mother went into the room and that left me and Rin.

She came close and cupped my cheek. "I'm so sorry," she said.

Tears may have pooled my eyes but I blinked them away with a smile. "What are you talking about?"

"You can't hide it from me, Arthit."

"Let me," I said, "just this once."

She nodded and my mother returned. Armed with a list, I went into the hot afternoon and worked till I was too exhausted to think.

the author has something to say: so this is essentially the last chapter of this part of the story. wait for the epilogue and it would be over. thank you for reading. please leave me a vote before you go.