taehyung tossed and turned in his bed, scratching roughly at his wrist as he looked out his window.

it seemed that his rib had healed somewhat, leaving only a soft, humming ache if he laughed too loudly or breathed too heavily. he had missed school again, opting to sleep off the muted pain.

he hadn't quite had the energy to leave his bed that day.

jimin had texted him, taehyung telling him that he was staying home because of his rib and not to worry. that was only half a lie; his rib did hurt, but he was surely well enough to go to school.

taehyung sat up. he'd go for a walk.

* * *

he made his way back to the familiar bridge.

he figured that he'd jump off the side someday - someday when the pain became too much and the numbness was too heavy for his heart to bear. he wouldn't mind dying in such a pretty place where the river flowed below him and the city skyline shone above: the perfect juxtaposition of light and dark, high and low, and taehyung would be falling down low, just where the world seemed to believe he belonged.

he leaned against the railing again, breathing softly against the cold wind, hair flying in front of his face.

"back again?"

yoongi.

"i could ask you the same thing," taehyung replied. "why are you here?"

"couldn't sleep. you?"

"couldn't sleep."

yoongi made his way beside him, leaning against the railing the same way. "you thinking of jumping again?" he asked. "this is a nice place to die, if i had to admit, but isn't it a little early for you to go?"

taehyung laughed. "never too early." he watched yoongi pull out a cigarette and light it, eyes lingering on the flame for a few seconds longer than would be considered normal. "you think this is a nice place to die?"

yoongi exhaled smoke, eyes dropping to look down at the river before flittering back up to the skyline. "yeah. isn't that why you're thinking of dying here too?"

the cars seemed especially loud, whizzing directly past his head going god knows where. taehyung longed to take a car and drive far, far away. far away from here. from himself.

from the place that beckoned for him to come die.

"you know smoking's bad for you, right?" taehyung said, watching yoongi inhale another heavy round of smoke. "it'll kill you."

yoongi smirked. "didn't you just say that it's never too early to go?" he exhaled. "you want to try one?"

taehyung shook his head. the cigarette only brought back memories he had worked too hard to suppress and hide away. "no thanks. i have a... bad association with those."

yoongi didn't press for further details, instead opting to take the cigarette and put it to his skin. he didn't even flinch, eyes half lidded as he watched the heat burn his hand.

"jesus christ, you do that shit?" taehyung grimaced, heavy memories flooding into his head and muting the noise surrounding him. he dug his fingernails into his wrist. control it, control it, control it: control the thoughts. control the memories. control it.

"yeah. does wonders for my head."

taehyung let out a shaky breath. "i'm sure it does."

it did wonders for his head too, clearly.

"hey, stop doing that," yoongi said. he gestured to taehyung's wrist where fingernails were beginning to draw blood. taehyung relaxed then.

"fuck. didn't mean to do that," he lied. "habit, i guess."

they walked back together that night, taehyung once again finding himself alone in an empty apartment.

yoongi's cigarette flashed across his mind.

he clutched his head, making a soft noise of pain as he dropped to his knees.

taehyung, sit down.

he grabbed his hair, trying to ground himself. not again, not again, not again.

don't tell your mother.

hot searing pain against his arm.

"fuck!"

taehyung fell against the wall, no doubt startling his neighbors. "fuck. fucking hell."

he loosened his grip on his hair, messy strands falling back over his face.

how he hated reliving the past. he had worked so hard to forget, to let go, but every little thing that reminded him of those god awful times made the memories come back, intense, cold, blindingly painful.

"fuck!"

no matter how hard he tried to forget, it seemed that the phantom pain lingered on his skin. he looked up at his ceiling: his old, grimy, stained ceiling of chipped white paint. he looked up to whatever deity would listen to his pleas: to the question he asked himself every night he laid awake in bed.

would he ever be able to forget?

* * *

"you need the homework?"

taehyung nodded, and hoseok smiled knowingly.

"you're a fucking godsend," taehyung said. "what would i do without you?"

"you'd die, that's what you'd do." hoseok passed taehyung a sheet, watching him take down the answers. "hey, what's that on your wrist?"

taehyung's heart skipped a beat. he looked to his arm where a sliver of his wrist had become exposed as he was writing, revealing a bandage wrapped tightly around dried blood.

he'd have to lie his way out of this.

"oh, it's from the loan sharks," taehyung said. his stomach was still doing somersaults. "hasn't healed yet."

"you should have jin check that out. you know he's studying for med school." hoseok sighed, resting his chin on his palm and shooting taehyung a worried look. "you should learn how to ask for help more often. we'd do anything to make sure you don't end up dead in a ditch, and the only thing you've ever asked me for is homework."

taehyung leaned back in his chair, unfinished homework now fully filled out. "i would if i needed it," he said. "hoseok, i've been so bored. can we all visit namjoon's place tonight?"

* * *

jimin stood in front of taehyung's empty fridge, eyes flittering between the shelves for a sign of anything to eat.

"tae, your fridge has been empty for at least a week now." he grimaced, pulling out old pancakes and a surely spoiled carton of milk. "this. this is concerning."

"oh, fuck off. i'm fine. ramen does wonders, you know." taehyung put on his jacket and ran a hand through his hair. he knew jimin would press further and that the conversation would linger on for a few questions longer than he wished. it was in the boy's nature to worry about the people close to him. he wouldn't let taehyung off easily; he never had.

"so you eat ramen for your only meal of the day? sounds dangerous," jimin said, throwing him a disapproving look. "i've told you so many times to just come to my house for meals whenever you want. my mom fucking loves you."

taehyung rolled his eyes. "jimin, i can't rely on you and hoseok for everything. i can't even pay you back for it." he stood and headed for the door. "we're late, let's go."

when they arrived at namjoon's, the other boys were already gathered around the balcony with the smell of weed hovering over their heads.

"you're late," jin nagged. he was holding a bottle of soju, cheeks tinted pink. "they already finished off the first joint."

"it was a small one, to be fair. you guys want to share our next one or get your own?"

by the time it was dark, the smell had faded somewhat, only lingering on their hair and clothes. they all sat huddled close together, a bag of chips in the center.

"hoseok told me that you need your wrist looked at," jin said, breaking the brief silence. "he said it hasn't healed for a while."

jimin sat up suddenly. "you're still hurt? let me see."

taehyung shook his head. "it's not a big deal. it'll heal on its own, trust me." he smiled, gaze fixated on the ground: at the five pairs of sneakers that surrounded his. "you're all such fucking worrywarts."

"we wouldn't be if you gave us nothing to worry about," jungkook argued. "you're like... like..." there was a short pause before he groaned and leaned onto namjoon's shoulder. "fuck. i forgot what i wanted to say."

they all smiled at that, watching jungkook yawn and put his hood up. "i think i'm going to take a nap. wake me up for dinner."

taehyung felt so drawn to these boys. they gave him peace and comfort, something he hadn't been offered very often before meeting them. he had always been lonely, sometimes afraid, and the feeling of having people to talk to and lean on was something he had craved for his entire life.

the sun had set now, leaving behind the light of the moon over the brightly lit city below them, and looking down the balcony, taehyung, for once, felt like he was at the top of the world.