okay yes i've been watching sad loki edits

okay yes this is angst

i'm sorry

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You're not one of us. I stopped walking and dropped my blades, the metal thumping against the soft ground. I couldn't speak, I couldn't do anything. Runaan had his back turned against me. Casting me out. Not wanting to or even surviving near my presence. My presence was irrational. My presence was a doom that had befallen everyone. My fingers twitched and flexed as I laughed, pupils dilating rapidly.

What do you mean? A stupid question, really. I knew what he meant. Of course I knew what he meant, I wasn't illiterate. Something in my mind told me to not believe anything. Something in my mind wanted to latch onto what I believed was true. That thing in my head believed that I couldn't lose the only family I had ever known, the only protectors that I had ever had. My imperfect life was brought back and restored, rejuvenated by the elves, and now it's being ripped apart by them. This feeling was not foreign, as I had felt it countless times before. Of course, I was always in the shadow of someone. I couldn't be nearly as good as the others, simply because I wasn't them. I wasn't like them, and I could never dream of being like them.

What I mean, (Y/N). His voice carried a cool undertone. Like he was bored. Is that you were picked up from the border. I tried to speak, but my breath gave out every time. All that came out were gasps and the slightest whisper, my voice quivering, palms sweating, my mouth becoming dry. I looked down at myself, and found my arms shaking, knees almost giving out, body succumbing to the ground itself. When I was finally able to meet Runaan's eyes, I was shocked by the amount of dullness they held.

Why? I was fighting back emerging tears at this point. The whites of my eyes stained with red, bloodshot to hell. I heard the laughter of the Moonshadow elves in the distance. I had no right to call them brother, I had no damn right to call them my family. Every single time at least one of them would outshine me, every single time more than one would outrun me, and I was wondering why I wasn't behaving like a Moonshadow elf. I hadn't had pointed ears, I hadn't had the shadow powers that activated at full moon, and I hadn't had damn white hair and purple markings because I was not one.

You already know the reason. Still. He still refused to give me what I yearned, what I needed. My sadness bubbled into explosive rage, fists clenching, drawing blood from the tender skin of my palms, my five fingers delving deep, my nails burying themselves into the flesh of my hands. I didn't care.

What about my birthright? Why did you save me if you were going to leave me to rot again-

Your birthright, Runaan shouted, fiercely wheeling back, eyes glaring. Was. To. Die!

My tongue couldn't seem to pronounce the right words, I was foaming at the mouth, my hands now covered with blood.

So, so, so now what! I exclaimed, clawing at my face in disbelief, the red fluid smearing over my cheeks. I looked at the ground in a fury, eyes shrinking and eyebrows furrowed, irises almost vibrating at how much I was shaking. I am the-the monster, the monster that parents tell their children about at night? I am the reaper, the one that takes souls, the one that has no mercy, the one that smashed your king to pieces? The merciless human that hunts and kills everything in their path? Is that what I am?

Runaan went quiet once more. I looked up at him with watery eyes, then laughed again, pitifully looking down at the ground, eyes glowing in the moonlight. I had no right to be here. I had no right to be here while there are elves better than this mess that I was. Of course, they adopted me out of pity. A human child left with no mother, no father, no guardian to protect it, at the cross between Xadia and the human realm. Of course anyone would take pity on a child. Of course anyone would come up and not see what it would grow into. Of course it had to be imperfectly perfect elves.

I felt empty. I felt like my body was lost and all that there was and will be is my mind. Fuck my mind, I didn't have one. How could I be this stupid if I had one? I just...

You said you would be here when I fell. You said you would support me if I tumbled. I choked out, crouching down to pick up my blades, sheathing them. You kept that promise, at least. I ripped off the bracelet Runaan had made for me all those years ago and stomped on it, smearing it in the wet dirt and grass. But you lied about everything else. You lied about loving me, you lied about wanting to be my family. You lied about my birth, my life, how you found me, how you raised me, how I was, when I was nothing but a big disappointment to you.

I always lived underneath someone's shadow, and I thought it was the others, but no. The only hero in your eyes is you. And somehow, someway you can't get over that humans killed your beloved. So you resent me, and you hate me, and you can kill me if you want to. I have absolutely nothing to live for. You gave and took away the one thing that I had, and that was my home, my family. You said you would be here, and look where we are now.

I walked up to him, smile dropping.

Tell me why. Runaan didn't respond, but avoided my eyes.

TELL ME!

He gingerly ran a hand through his hair, sitting down. I advanced, walking towards him with light feet, making almost no sound except quiet crunches beneath my boots. I always hated that sound. The sound of failure. The sound of failing to be a true assassin.

S-So, I'm just locked up in a prison of resentment now? Is that how it is? I screamed, punching the tree next to us, rattling all the mythical birds off of it, leaves shaking down. Because no matter how much you claim to love me, I know in my heart that it isn't true! I know no matter how much everyone says that they care, that they are willing to sacrifice everything for me, that isn't true! Everything that everyone gives up for me are all lies, are all mockery of my very existence.

I pushed Runaan to the ground with my foot, stomping on his shoulder. Because you could never let a human join your ranks!

With one final whack from the sharp heel of my boot to the neck, Runaan fell limp. My mind cleared and I took a step back. All the tears that had been held inside now came flowing out. Sobs raked every single inch of my being and I fell to my knees, cradling myself in my own arms, feeling more alone than ever before.

Demons run, but count the cost

The battle is won, but the child is lost