i wish i needed you

I could only stare at him from a distance as he grew closer to the one he loved. My heart pounded for him, my mind thought of being with him, but I knew the world was a twisted reality. Everything doesn't work out the way you want it to. 

So I spent my days alone, kicking rocks and training, never once getting more than I needed material-wise. To not ask for more than you need was all I ever knew as a child, and I was determined to hold that same mindset as an adult. My life was simple, to say the least. Did it have a purpose -- perhaps not, but I was happy.

I was happy.

I never really got over my crush, but I usually shook my "wants" off. Like the Earth, I remained calm, grounded, a flowing mindset, doing whatever felt right. It was okay that I didn't have someone to love, but I was human, after all. We all have things that we want, but cannot get. I told myself that phrase day after day, comforting and quelling my urges by saying that others were suffering with the same feeling, and that they could ignore it. That seemed to work.

I didn't have time to worry about him. I didn't have time to pander about and waste my life away ogling at some boy. I didn't have time to watch him be happy with other people, be happy with Mitsuri, whom I loved like a sister. 

I needed my time, I didn't need Obanai. I needed to protect those who were at risk of falling victim to demons, and most of all, I didn't need those stupid green socks that I've wanted for the longest time, but never had the money to buy. Not when they were on Mitsuri's feet, warming her up, hugging her legs so perfectly as courtesy of Obanai's love.

Soon, I found myself dashing through the forest of bamboo, a piece of land I could map out on the back of my hand. Weaving and darting through the reeds, my legs were burning, and my chest heaved with heavy breaths, a feeling unfamiliar to my body. When I reached a small clearing, I slowed down and softly walked to a bench in the middle. 

I'd built it when I discovered the tiny fleck of nirvana. Using the bamboo wood the forest gave me, I created a sturdy sitting area for meditation. Only this time, my plan wasn't to meditate, but rather, do something more self-pitying. 

A heavy sob broke its way out of my mouth, gurgling with the un-swallowed saliva at the back of my throat. Hot, chronic tears poured out of my eyes like waterfalls, droplets dripping onto the soft grass floor with silent plops. I was keeled over, hands clasped together, pressed against my chest, elbows resting on my knees.

My body trembled with every breath I took, hiccups sending earthquakes through my figure. The thick reeds of bamboo diluted my cries so they couldn't be heard from far away, something that I was thankful for. At this point, I broke down completely, wails of agony thrumming through my lungs, heart aching for Obanai. 

Guttural shrieks pierced the serenity of the night, sending the nearby sparrows off and away. I relentlessly sobbed until my voice had gone hoarse and my eyes were at the point of burning. Wallowing in my own sadness, I got up, thinking that I was finished with my pity-party and ran back towards the estate, my lips still curved downwards and quivering. 

I was the only thing restless that night, where the air of silence stilled again, and a mere cough would pierce the veil once more. Feeling myself wanting to cry new tears, it was too late to go back into the forest, so I just stooped by the pond, shoulders shaking quietly as more droplets stained my robes and tainted my face. 

My hands completely obstructed my vision and I couldn't hear a figure walking towards me.

"Hello, (Y/N)." I immediately lifted my head, recognizing the voice. Quickly dipping down into a bow, I held in my tears and lowered my gaze, too embarrassed that he'd caught me at such an unfortunate time.

"Master," I greeted, forcing my voice to not be shaky, "What are you doing up so late?" He hummed, regarding my question with genuine thought.

"I should be asking you the same thing," he replied smoothly, "Is something bothering you?" I softly took in a deep breath, furiously trying to calm myself down. I couldn't cry in front of him. I couldn't be weak in front of him.

"No, nothing at all." The ravenette hummed once more, a slight lilt at the end of voice.

"Why are people so prone to lying when they're hurt?" He lifted my chin up, the moonlight reflecting off of my tear-streaked face. I gasped, knowing that it was too late for me to keep on hiding. My hands fell slack at my sides and my eyebrows furrowed, a new wave of sadness threatening to wash over me like the sea at high-tide.

Master drew back his hand and sat quietly on a rock, his white eyes gazing up at the sky. I didn't dare disrupt him, but rose up from my bowing position to look at the astral bodies up above with him.

"I cannot see the stars, yet I know of their brilliance," he spoke gently, "Each one of them, glimmering brighter and brighter, seemingly brighter than the last. The fair planet Mars, shown by a red spark overhead. Our closest, yet it is so far. We cannot touch it, but our eyes longingly gaze at it as if it were the fairest ruby. Some even imagine plucking it from the sky and encrusting it on their wedding ring." 

Master paused, as if to consider something. His voice lowered to a near-whisper.

"We often perceive things that we want as things we need. I've heard many children cry to their parents about various gifts and toys they did not receive, throwing around the word 'need' so recklessly. We as humans long for things, and we are swayed at any opportunity to get it.

Yet, you are a curious case. You would rather suffer and deny yourself of the things that you think you don't need, but in reality, it's quite the opposite. Even looking at you makes me feel just a fraction of the sorrow you endure every single day. It's quite a lot, if what I'm feeling is only a fraction of it.

You sacrifice yourself, and you say you don't need anything in return. I provide this estate for the hashiras to live in because they need it. Where else would they live?" The last sentence had a touch of laughter to it, but I couldn't bring myself to even chuckle. Master saw my reaction and sighed mellowly, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"You claim you don't need someone to love you, and part of that is true. A person can be very happy on their own. But what you're doing is isolating yourself from others over self-hatred. It seems that you're even afraid of others, from what I've noticed. You beat yourself up, but for what? You have your heart broken, and you're breaking it further.

"I don't want that for you. Mitsuri and Obanai have voiced their concerns privately to me already, and the other hashiras have noticed a change in your fighting style. Gyomei said it was from exhaustion, possibly a break in the link between your mind and spirit. It's your choice to believe him, but from what I see, what you need is something that you think you want." 

With a slow reveal, Master suddenly produced a pair of lavender socks, the same color as the wisteria blossoms in his yard. My eyes widened in disbelief, pupils dilating at the sight.

"What-" I breathed, staring at the articles of clothing, "Is that... for me?" The head of the estate laughed gingerly, pushing the gift towards me.

"Who else would it be for?" he teased kindly, "Go on." With steady hands, I picked up the socks, feeling the comfortable material. A breathy sob came out of my mouth as I held the fuzzy cotton to my cheek, nuzzling it. Master patted my back as I sniffled, dewy eyes glancing up at him.

"Thank you," I cried quietly, "Thank you." He chuckled, head turning towards me.

"With this, all I want for you is your success. Replace the broken link with a stronger bond, and be proud. I'm no relationship expert, and I understand these things are not easy to get over. But happiness is a necessity in life, one that you should cherish." I nodded weakly, hands folded up in my lap, a smile finally making its way onto my face. 

"I will, I promise."