wattpad is fucking with me and it's pissing me off so mUch. i spent literally an hour trying to figure out what the fucK was going on lmao. ^

taehyung found himself back at the cafe a few days later, ordering the same black coffee. he wore an oversized sweatshirt that covered his slim frame and, most importantly, his wrists.

hoseok was back, cheerfully taking orders with that bright smile on his face, gracing his lips to reveal perfectly straight teeth and small dimples. on the contrary, there was taehyung, taehyung with his dark clothes and dark eyes, shadows on his cheeks and below his eyes, sunken sockets from skipped meals and nights spent awake with nightmares of his mother's awful death. he wished that he could be more like hoseok.

taehyung was the pure embodiment of unhappiness, demons lurking in the corners of his mind, swallowing his sanity whole until he took a blade to his wrist to shut them all up. he supposed that that was his reason for hurting himself. it was how he could quiet his sick mind and pin his self hatred to the shallow skin of his wrist; it was the only thing that felt right to him, and it was the only way he could continue living without taking the barrel of a gun to his head and pulling the damned trigger.

taehyung took his coffee and sat down at an empty table, his cigarette sitting heavily in his pocket, as an awful reminder of a mother who was no longer there. in another sense however, it was his remembrance, signaling that he had come to terms with her death. her suicide had taken a devastating toll on taehyung; while she had been horrible to him, hurting him in ways that no mother should, she was still his mother, and he lived now with an enormous, gaping hole in the place that his mother once stood.

taehyung got up. it was 11:50; he had to go to work.

* * *

four days running on nothing but black coffee was clearly starting to affect taehyung's body.

he often forgot to eat, sometimes neglecting the idea of it purposefully because he just didn't deserve it. he hated himself, from the inside to outside, soul to skin, and he thought that maybe skipping meals could lessen that self hatred. maybe if he lost weight he wouldn't hate himself so much.

these four days had been completely intentional. he drank black coffee because it lessened his cravings, and he had been keeping himself busy and staying away from the grocery store despite the fact that the only food he now had at home was old bread and spoiled milk. his stomach had hurt for a bit two days into the ordeal, but he got used to it quickly. he did this a lot; fasting wasn't new for him.

seokjin had started questioning his eating habits a year prior, jimin two years ago, and jungkook just a few months. he never ate dinner - that was one of his rules - and he skipped lunch if he could. they had all noticed his thinness, initially believing that maybe he was just naturally skinny before they caught onto his excessive and constant habit of skipping meals.

it was 12:56, just four minutes before taehyung could go on his lunch break, and he felt dizzy and tired. his legs were weak, struggling to hold up his body, and his hands would not stop shaking. customers had eyed him curiously when he handed them receipts and credit cards with trembling hands, one woman even going out of her way to ask if he was okay; "i'm okay," taehyung had responded. "just a little tired." he had given her a weak smile.

he watched the clock in the back of the diner, forcing himself to keep from crouching over or falling to the ground altogether. his stomach grumbled miserably, sending him the sickening urge to just give in and eat something, but he couldn't. he just couldn't.

as soon as the clock hit 1:00, taehyung went straight to the break room, using the wall to keep him standing as his vision blurred in front of him.

he just about collapsed into a chair as jungkook walked in.

"tae? are you okay?"

taehyung nodded slowly, making eye contact with jungkook and seeing concern in his eyes, too much concern. he didn't deserve that kind of care.

jungkook had a small packed lunch, taking it out to eat as he sat beside taehyung. jimin and seokjin came in soon after.

"you're not eating," jimin said. he didn't question it anymore, because he knew why taehyung did it.

"i'm not eating," taehyung retorted. "thanks for stating the obvious, asshat."

"you need to eat." jimin was adamant. "i literally haven't seen you eat lunch for the past week."

"i know, but it's okay," taehyung said, forcing a smile. he needed to reassure jimin that he was alright, because he really was fine; he knew what he was doing. "i'll eat something later."

taehyung said later as in whenever he finally found himself on the verge of collapsing from starvation. jimin knew it all too well. jungkook and seokjin sat looking between the two, unsure of what to do.

seokjin finally spoke. "taehyung, you really should eat. you seriously look like you're going to pass out."

taehyung peripherally knew he was right.

he had looked in the mirror that morning, almost, not completely, surprised by his own appearance. he looked weak, with thin legs and even thinner arms, protruding collarbones, and sunken cheeks that made deep hollows in his face. small, parallel cuts ran up his left wrist, well planned and spaced out perfectly. his eyes were dark underneath, because he had been having trouble falling asleep; the nightmares had been more vivid, waking him up and jolting him out of bed in cold sweats, leaving him alone shaking and crying uncontrollably in the dark.

taehyung had then lifted up his shirt slowly, almost as if the action pained him. his ribs had been prominent beneath sickly pale skin, making deep valleys down his torso, and he could see jutting hipbones below; he had felt an odd sense of pride. it was sick, and he knew it, but he couldn't help the relief he felt when he avoided another meal or lost another pound.

the worst of it all was the fact that despite the blatant reflection he saw in the mirror and the weight he saw displayed on the scale, he couldn't see himself as thin. he knew that his bones protruded dangerously, and he knew that he was well underweight for someone of his height, but he still wasn't thin. the dark, twisted mind of his could only whisper to him that he just wasn't thin enough.

seokjin was still looking at him with concern. taehyung looked away, playing with the fabric of his shirt. "i'm fine. don't worry." he laughed softly, trying to lighten the mood and empty the air of the pity and worry that it was filled with.

taehyung stood up then, supporting himself with the table. "i have to go to the bathroom."

he left quickly, going not to the bathroom but outside of the diner to sit on the bench beside the entrance. he stepped outside, and the air was cold, biting at his fingertips and sending a sudden shiver up his spine. as he sat, watching people walk by, he found himself hating himself even more.

he was nothing to the world. he was nothing to himself. all he was made of was cowardice, self hatred, and cuts on his wrist that were there to hold his head together. he was breaking apart his skin to hold together his sanity. taehyung bit his lip and pulled his sleeves farther down.

twisted.

he was so, so fucking twisted.

a/n:
if you were wondering about yoongi, i'll be bringing him in in the next chapter, and taegi will start coming in within the next two chapters and you can watch how that unfolds ;)

my updates are completely random because i just don't have the time to be keeping up with a schedule for writing, but hopefully i'll be back soon! thanks for reading!