taehyung collapsed after work.

the worst part?

jimin, jungkook and seokjin were all with him to see him pass out cold on the sidewalk.

he hadn't felt well that morning, having starved for a few days, and work had been hectic; running around serving tables took a toll on him, clearly.

he woke up in the hospital and felt his stomach drop.

"taehyung?"

seokjin leaned over him worriedly. he looked like he had been crying; why had he cried? what was there to cry about? jungkook and jimin sat in chairs beside him, looking equally concerned.

before he could ask why they all looked so distressed, the doctor stepped into the room. he was tall and slender, holding a pen in his hand with glasses hooked to the collar of his shirt. "hello. kim taehyung, is it?"

"yes."

"i have a few questions to ask you, if you don't mind."

taehyung nodded slowly. he felt like he knew what the doctor was going to ask, and he didn't want to answer.

"you fainted. do you have any idea why?"

taehyung shook his head. lies. you know damn well why you passed out.

"how many hours, on average, do you sleep a night?"

that one was easy. "probably around four or five hours, but i have nightmares sometimes that wake me up."

the doctor nodded.

"how often and how much would you say you eat in a day?"

taehyung bit his lip. of course, that goddamned question that he always dreaded. "i'm not sure."

"mr. kim, you passed out due to exhaustion and starvation," the doctor said. "you haven't been sleeping well, and based on your low blood sugar levels, it's been a few days since you last ate. that paired with working all day took you to the point of collapsing. were you aware?"

vaguely, taehyung thought. "no. i didn't realize."

he glanced at his friends and almost sobbed out of embarrassment at how sympathetic they looked. i don't need your pity! taehyung wanted to scream. he wasn't weak; he knew what he was doing.

seokjin looked reprimanding. you did realize. you knew exactly how much you were harming yourself.

"it's advised that you stay here for a bit to recover, but you can discharge yourself anytime you want," the doctor said. taehyung nodded and smiled as he left.

seokjin spoke. "jimin, jungkook, how about you guys go and get something to eat?"

the two of them, taking it as a signal to leave for a bit, agreed easily, saying goodbye and exiting quietly. taehyung knew what he was doing.

as soon as the door closed, seokjin sighed slowly. "taehyung, we need to talk about this."

"talk about what?"

"this. this whole starving thing you're clearly doing to yourself," he said. "why are you doing this?"

his nose was turning a light pink, and his eyes were filling with tears; he looked completely deprecate, worry overflowing in his voice.

"i... i don't know," taehyung murmured. "i don't know why i keep... doing this. i think i might just hate myself."

he smiled a little, sadness encompassing the gesture.

"taehyung, you have an eating disorder."

oh. there it is.

taehyung knew it was true, but he refused to admit it; he wasn't sick. he was just fine. maybe he had problems with self harm, but an eating disorder? no.

"i... i..." he couldn't find the words, because he knew seokjin was right.

"can you tell the doctor the truth? then we can... get you treatment options and make things better again."

better again.

again was the wrong word. there was no better for taehyung; things had always been awful in his life.

taehyung shook his head. "i'm fine," he said. "i'll start eating again."

"taehyung-"

"i've dealt with this for long enough," he argued. "i know how to keep it under control, i promise."

he was sinning again, lying blatantly to the ones he loved just to keep his life the way he wanted it. he was a sinner.

seokjin looked undeniably hesitant. "taehyung, i don't think that's-"

the door opened and jungkook and jimin came barreling in holding soda cans.

seokjin and taehyung both ended their previous conversation immediately. taehyung put on his facade once more and pretended that nothing was wrong.

nothing was wrong.

no.

everything was wrong.

he just had to act like it was okay.

* * * 

yoongi and taehyung sat down beside the river, side by side. the place looked quite desolate, to say the least, but at the same time, it was comforting.

dead grass sat rooted by the river and the water moved slowly. the moon reflected its light against the water. stars reflected themselves against the water too, blinking in the ripples. the street wasn't lit by the river, but the moon was enough.

"what if i just jumped into the water?" taehyung asked. "do you think people would care?"

yoongi turned to face him. he didn't seemed alarmed or surprised by taehyung's sudden words. "they'd care. maybe not the way that i would, or the way that your friends would, but they'd care."

"they'd care that the river would be haunted by my soul," taehyung said. "not that i killed myself."

"you shouldn't think like that," yoongi murmured. "shouldn't talk like that either. it makes me feel like you're actually going to do it someday."

"i am. aren't you?"

yoongi smiled. "probably." he looked sad.

there was a light breeze and taehyung shivered. "my friend thinks i have an eating disorder." he bit his lip, gaze falling. "he might be right, but the thought that he's right just makes me feel like living really isn't meant for me." he glanced at yoongi. "problem after problem. that's all i am. life isn't worth living when all it brings is pain."

"getting philosophical on me?"

"being sad makes you think a lot," taehyung smiled softly. "sometimes too much."

it was so ambient by the river with yoongi. taehyung wanted to stop time, freeze everything around him just the way it was and loop the noises around him forever; he wanted to stay there, in that moment, forever.

time going on meant things falling farther down. down and down and down. his life was a constant of the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he fell, accelerating as gravity pulled him and his mental state into the abyss. his life was a roller coaster with no ups. it was falling without the thrill, only the fear of what lay at the bottom.

"yoongi, i think this is where i want to die."

"yeah? how are you going to do it?"

"maybe slit my wrists. maybe pills. but i'm going to do it here." he breathed. grass rustled as a light breeze blew. "i like it here. it's quiet, there's stars, there's life."

"when are you going to do it?"

taehyung looked away.

"soon."