jimin and i have been best friends for two years and i have had romantic feelings for him for much longer than that.

i don't really know what it is about him that makes him so special. i just know that i want to make him happy, no matter what it takes. i want to be the one he comes home to. i want to be the one who makes him laugh, who kisses him and makes love to him. i want to be the one he shares all his demons with. i want to show him he deserves much more than he thinks he does and that he truly matters. 

and i wish i could tell him that, but i can't. i don't want to lose him. i prefer suffering whenever i'm with him because we can't be anything more than what we already are, than not hearing his voice, hold his hand, spend time with him and make him smile. 

i guess it's pathetic, isn't it? i know it is and i wish i could change it. i wish i could wake up one day and not find it adorable anymore whenever jimin laughs. i wish i could sleep alone at nights without wishing he was right next to me, cuddling me like he always does. i wish i could stop getting my own hopes up whenever he tells me he loves me because i know...i know he only means it as a friend. 

"what are you doing tonight, jungkook?" he asks me as he tilts his head in such a cute way. we're in the subway right now, having just left school together. we go to the same college and we're also in the same field. we're both aspiring photographers.

"uh...think i'm gonna play some video games like usual. what about you?" the subway abruptly stops, making jimin who was standing right next to me, stumble into my arms. i catch him and he chuckles, thanking me. did i see him blush? i'm probably hallucinating. i don't even know if he's into men. the topic never came up. i just know he's been single this entire time we've been friends. 

"well, i wanted to ask if i could come over again." 

"oh?" jimin has been to my house more than usual lately. i think he's slept over like four times this week now. "is anything wrong?"

"what?" he avoids my gaze. "absolutely not."

"is it your mom again? do i have to strangle her?"

"ah, don't worry about it!" he shrugs it off. "it'll be over soon. it usually lasts for a week and then she goes back to drinking for like a month and then the cycle goes on."

jimin's mom has a habit of dating lots of guys. actually, "dating" is the wrong term here. those men don't really respect her. they just fuck her. sometimes, i feel bad. but the way she treats jimin makes me furious to the point i find it hard to have any sympathy for her. she neglects her son. she ignores him and instead, has loud sex every single day in their tiny apartment. she doesn't appreciate her hardworking son who took a part-time job just to help with the house because she's unemployed and on well-fare. the only reason jimin can even go to college is because of his big brain that got him a scholarship. i think she has also hit him several times recently because jimin has been wearing clothes that cover up his entire body lately. i haven't gotten around to asking him about it.

"jimin, you know you can always come to my house. crash in as many times as you'd like."

i live all by myself. my mother resides in korea and i came here to canada for better opportunities. i'm honestly more privileged than jimin. a privilege i'm humiliated to have sometimes. that's why i try to help jimin as much as he allows me to. that and the fact that i love him. 

"i know but i don't want to impose." 

"i mean, you have been sleeping at my house everyday this entire week. do i not seem okay with it?" 

"sorry. forget about it. it's my stop now. i should go." i grab his hand before he could even walk away.

"nah, you're staying with me."

he looks at me with wide eyes that slowly turned from shame to utter glee.

"thank you, jungkook."