*

The night is still long.

They spend their minutes by simply lying comfortably next to each other on the bed after some lazy make out session and footsies. Sehun learns that Luhan is indeed very very clingy and he loves to touch and cuddle a lot.

"I see that you don't have a particular ticklish spot on your body," Luhan says, randomly poking Sehun on any part of his body he could reach--- his neck, his sides, behind his ear, and even his spine--- and getting zero reaction from him.

"I think I'm just not that ticklish."

"Well, everytime I do this to Jongin, he'd always be burtsing into a laugh while having a seizure. His weakness is his neck, he just can't take it when I tickle his neck," Luhan says with a chuckle as he recalls Jongin's precious reaction while Sehun only listens at him. "He looks like a retard when he gets tickled, I swear to god."

Sehun leans sidewards on the pillow as he watches and listens to Luhan talking animatedly.

"Meanwhile Kyungsoo, do you know where his ticklish spot is?" Luhan doesn't even wait for Sehun to respond to that as he now breaks into a laugh. "Pffft... It's on his right elbow. Not the left, but only the right elbow. Sometimes when I accidentally nudge him on his right elbow, he'd just slap me or pull my hair for no reason! But even if he's like that," he laughs again, "I find him really cute."

Contrary to earlier while they were having dinner, he seems to shift back to being talkative again and Luhan himself realizes that. He notices Sehun just staring at him silently.

"Shit, was I talking too much? I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I like listening to you anyway," Sehun says, smiling at him, "Especially if you talk about Jongin and Kyungsoo. It's like I'm getting to know more about them, too."

"Now that we're officially dating, you should also share about yourself too," Luhan says, fixing the blanket on top of his chest as he faces the younger.

"I don't have anything to share though, unlike you."

"Don't you have secrets? Something that I don't know yet?"

Sehun shrugs, "Just ask me and I'll answer you."

"Well then, you said it yourself okay?" Luhan lets out a smirk, "I'll just ask you one thing."

"Spill."

"Why do you like Jongin?"

Sehun may have wanted to choke at that straightforward question; Luhan didn't even ask Do you like Jongin or Do you feel something for Jongin? He directly just asked why he likes him, and maybe Sehun slightly wants to lowkey lie or change the topic.

But he chooses just not to instead.

"Because Jongin is an amazing person."

Luhan scoots closer, waiting for Sehun to continue.

"He studies well, works hard on his part-time job, and alongside with that, he even gets to take care of both of you and Kyungsoo, making sure that you're loved and secured. He always puts you and Kyungsoo first no matter what before his own sake," Sehun says while he stares at the ceiling, "Being with him, he never makes you uncomfortable. He's also warm and fun to be with... And I really admire him because of that."

Luhan nods as he smiles, "Yeah, that's very true."

"Ah, now I know why Kyungsoo and Luhan fell for Jongin. Now I understand,' I once told myself that," Sehun says as he glances at Luhan shortly, "Sometimes, though, I envy the both of you and Kyungsoo..."

"Yeah? Why?"

"Because you have someone like Jongin in your life. You have someone who'll cherish you and love you with all his heart like Jongin does."

Luhan is somewhat astonished that he's hearing all of these from Sehun, when clearly he just said that he didn't have anything to share.

"Do you know that I asked him once if he could just stay with me for the rest of my life? That's ridiculous, right?" Sehun laughs like it was the funniest thing on earth.

"But he said he can't do that. Even if he would want to do it, he can never leave you and Kyungsoo behind. That is how much he loves you, and that is how much he's loyal to you," Sehun says, "He might've been doting on me, but it is still you and Kyungsoo he will only love for the rest of his life. You're like, the center and focus of his whole existence. I believe he could literally die for you, I swear to god."

Luhan doesn't even know since when these tears have started to cloud his eyes. He's not even aware that his cheeks are now soaked wet if not for Sehun wiping his tears away for him.

"So if you ever come to a point that you doubt on Jongin's feelings, or you feel like he doesn't love you like how he loves Kyungsoo," Sehun shakes his head as he speaks, "Please, don't... Because that never happened. Same goes with Kyungsoo. He loves you waaaay too much you could never imagine. Waaaay too much!"

Luhan stares at him, still teary-eyed. "That is why I don't deserve them..."

"No, don't talk like that... I'm just saying that in assurance, okay?" Sehun says, "You Luhan, are worth knowing, worth keeping, and worth loving. Just remember that." He smiles, and Luhan's heart just did a somersault. "They told me that before, and now I believe them."

After their talk, they both shower together afterwards and clean up their mess, with Sehun falling asleep right away due to exhaustion and Luhan wearing Sehun's clothes that are too big for him.

"Good night," Luhan whispers in the dark as he combs his fingers through Sehun's hair. The younger male is peacefully dozing off on top of his chest while he finds himself just staring at the ceiling because sleep won't visit him.

It's quiet and warm and comfortable having Sehun cuddled next to him, so he's afraid he won't be able to control his tears anymore. Very gently, he removes his arm off the sleeping male and tucks him inside his blanket. He leaves a chaste kiss on Sehun's forehead before he sits on the bed and breathes.

"Don't cry..." Luhan tells himself, yet he is betraying his own words. "You can do it... It's gonna be okay..."

He feels Sehun turn his back at him, hugging his pillow and putting his thigh on top of it like a baby.

That causes him to smile.

"Right, I have to text them I'm staying the night here."

Grabbing his phone sitting on the nightstand, his eyes enlarge twice when he sees his massive notification.

259 missed calls
178 messages

They're all from Kyungsoo and Jongin.

"Oh god. Kyungsoo is gonna kill me," Luhan says with a smile, but instead of feeling terrified, he somewhat feels relieved. "I should call him, right?"

Looking beside him to check if Sehun is indeed sleeping, he steps out of the bed and heads to the corner of Sehun's room. Sitting on the floor against the wall, he listens and waits for the male to answer.

Don't pick up. Please don't pick up, he recites in his mind as the other line keeps on ringing, and he must be really strange for wishing they won't just care so it won't be harder for him.

Kyungsoo picks up on the sixth ring.

And yes, he must be really strange he feels extremely happy at the same time.

He expects the male to lash out on him and maybe curse at him for not picking up his calls, but Kyungsoo didn't.

[Hello, babe? Have you had dinner yet?]

And that makes his tears finally escape from his eyes.

[I told Jongin not to call you but he's really stubborn. He was just worried, I guess. We didn't disturb you, did we?]

He gasps quietly while keeping his sobs inside his clenching chest, "No. You didn't."

[How was Sehun's mom? Is she evil?]

"Nope... She was really nice. Her cooking tastes really good, too..."

[Kyungsoo, is that Luhan? Let me talk to him--- Hello?]

Luhan laughs, and he can clearly imagine how Jongin looks like right now. "Jongin, hey."

[You don't sound so good. Did Sehun hurt you!? Fuck, I told him to stretch you up properly!]

"I'm fine. I'm just tired, I guess... We did it like, ten times," Luhan jokes, burying his messy face into his hand as he chuckles. He hears his boyfriends curse in unison, and he swears he's really going to miss a lot of this.

[So when are you coming home? Should we pick you up now?]

[Of course, he's gonna stay the night at Sehun's place. It's already late.]

[But it's you who wouldn't stop telling me to pick Luhan up because you were worried and being jealous as fuck.]

[Oh. Did I say that? No, I didn't! Luhan, don't believe in Kyungsoo!]

[But you said it.]

[No, I didn't!]

[You did.]

Wiping his tears against his sleeves, he listens to the two bickering childishly on the other line. It brings him second thoughts on whether he should do it or whether he should keep being selfish; or whether he should sacrifice or whether he should just be happy.

[Luhan, should we hang up? You must be already sleepy.]

"No. It's fine... I actually want you guys to come... I'll wait for you."

[Yeah? Like right now?]

"Yes," Luhan nods, "I also have something to tell you."

[All right, we'll be there in fifteen minutes! Love you...]

As soon as Luhan hears the line hanging up, he quickly puts away his phone and breaks into a silent cry he only can hear.

He forgot to say I love you, too.

*

Good morning! Sorry if I didn't wake you up before I leave. Let's see each other at home.

Thanks for last night.

- Luhan

As soon as Luhan finishes writing the note, he sticks it on the lampshade beside the clock only displaying 2:39 AM. After wearing his clothes and leaving a kiss on Sehun's cheek, he skips out of the room as quiet as possible not to wake the sleeping male up.

He takes a deep breath.

It's only few minutes from now and they're gonna come pick him up, and it's only few minutes from now and he's about to make the biggest decision in his life.

He's going to break up with Jongin and Kyungsoo.

He's going to end the many years of relationship he spent with them, and finally work out things by his own in his new life after graduating. He has already planned out everything. He'll leave Chanyeol's house, find a good job, get a cheap apartment for himself, pay Jongin and Kyungsoo his lifetime debt, and keep on seeing Sehun alongside with it.

Yes. It's gonna be perfect just like that.

This is not only a spur of the moment that he came up with this end-of-mind. It went through a long period of pondering and a lot of time thinking about it over and over again. It took him weeks, or months, or even years of mental and emotional battle; on whether he should keep this polyamorous relationship going, or whether he should sacrifice his own happiness for Kyungsoo and Jongin's brighter future.

Maybe this time, now that he's not getting any younger, that he has finally realized that being in a three-way relationship won't last forever. Maybe it's now the right time to change his life and act mature enough for his age. Maybe it has finally came down on him that sex and pleasure from two different people won't keep him alive.

Maybe they would be better off without him. Maybe it would be best for them if he's not included in the picture, so that their lives wouldn't be as complicated as how it is now.

He should've had decided this a long time ago. A long time ago when he thought of Kyungsoo and Jongin as only sex partners he can easily get rid of. He should've ended things sooner, even sooner when his feelings aren't deeply invested yet as much as this, to the point that he thinks he can no longer get away from their tender words and affectionate touches with a promise of a lifetime.

But he must take a step away and find another reason to live.

He needs to stop now for the sake of the person he loves.

"We're always together at home, but I feel like, you don't give your full attention to me anymore... It's either you sleep with Luhan at night or you spend time with Sehun at day."

Kyungsoo's voice is still clear and vivid that night he overheard him tell Jongin those words.

"I actually get anxious sometimes because of that, and I wonder if time will come that you'll eventually get bored of me and totally ignore me... What if you won't love me anymore? What am I supposed to do if that happens?"

It still pains him a lot that Kyungsoo, who usually keeps quiet, had brought himself to say Jongin those words.

Kyungsoo didn't know he woke up that very night Chanyeol recovered his memories. He was not fully asleep when Kyungsoo kissed him on the lips before he left the bed, so he sensed him stepping out of the room to look for Jongin.

That made him overhear the conversation Kyungsoo had that night with Jongin. He learned how Jongin could definitely kill himself if Kyungsoo left him. He found out how he was overly taking too much of Kyungsoo's time that is supposed to be spent for Jongin.

Now that he thinks about it, he realizes that he extremely hates himself for being jealous when Jongin took Kyungsoo to the amusement park. He loathes himself for getting hurt when Jongin and Kyungsoo would have sex without him. He curses himself to death for being too selfish, wanting Jongin to love him and wanting Kyungsoo to cherish him as well.

What right does he have?

He knows it's just a matter caused by his petty insecurities, but still, what right does he have?

It's all his fault. The reason why Kyungsoo felt ignored, is because of him. The reason why Jongin dotes on Sehun more, is all because of him. The reason why Jongin and Kyungsoo can't be happy together, it is all because of him.

He's been carrying this burden all throughout his life he just fails to realize.

Probably, he was being insensitive all these years thinking it was okay for him to interfere for the reason that he has grown too comfortable with them. Because he was always in the middle butting in and meddling, Jongin couldn't even take Kyungsoo out on a date with just the two of them alone.

If he hadn't asked Sehun out, what could've happened? He doesn't want to think about it, but he's glad Sehun is a blessing in disguise; he has now someone to throw himself into when the time comes he won't have somewhere to go.

Starting a relationship isn't difficult, Sehun is lovable and young, he is easy to get along with. Time will come that he'll love him with all his heart just like how he feels for both Kyungsoo and Jongin.

The thing that is indeed hard for him to do is what he's about to accomplish as soon as he steps out of the door;

Ending a relationship that is equivalent to his life.

"It's going to be okay... You can do it... Just say that you have made up your mind..." Luhan whispers, trying to console himself yet to no avail. "It's gonna hurt a lot but you have to endure it..."

Within the silence of the serene dawn, he hears the soft engine of the car halting in front of Sehun's house. Jongin and Kyungsoo have now arrived to pick him up, so he goes outside the house to meet the two guys.

As expected, since the neighborhood is still sleeping, it is quiet and peaceful. The headlights of the car illuminate the small portion of the road, and the one to come out is Jongin wearing thick padded coat. He closes the door of the passenger's seat with a thud, rubs his palms together, and looks around to find Luhan.

Jongin smiles even in his sleepy state, small fog coming out of his lips as he breathes when he glimpses Luhan's figure. He spots his lover standing by the gates who is wearing very thin clothes at this hour in this low temperature. Immediately rushing to him, the first thing that he does is to take off his warm coat and cocoons Luhan with it before the male can even say something.

"It's really chilly outside! Why didn't you borrow Sehun's coat at least?" Jongin says, pulling Luhan with him so that they're heading to the car together. He opens the door of the backseat, "Get in, you'll catch a cold."

Luhan's eyes chase Jongin's movements, "Jongin... I have something to tell you..."

"Yeah?" Jongin joins him on the backseat as well, sitting next to him and shutting the door close. He turns to look at Kyungsoo at the driver's seat. "Kyungsoo, can you still drive?"

Luhan's mouth opens to tell the next thing that he'll say, but Kyungsoo cuts him off.

"No, I can't. Let's just leave later," Kyungsoo yawns, and Luhan can tell that Kyungsoo was in the middle of sleeping before he came here, same goes with Jongin. "Five more minutes..."

Then Kyungsoo moves away from the driver's seat and transfers to the backseat, snuggling beside Luhan for a short nap. He rests his head comfortably on Luhan's right shoulder as he closes his eyes for a while.

"Were you sleeping when I called?" Luhan quietly asks, receiving a slow nod from Kyungsoo. "Why didn't you tell me... I shouldn't have asked you guys to pick me up... I didn't want to be a bother..."

"Bother? You're never gonna be a bother, and you told us you'd be waiting, right?" Jongin answers on his left, "So we came to get you right away. I kind of figured out you couldn't sleep well because you were in a different room. I was worried."

Setting his eyes downcast, Luhan balls his fists on top of his lap as he holds back his tears in his chest.

Why does Jongin have to be always caring?

"Kyungsoo said you can't sleep with the lights off," Jongin says. He slings his arm around Luhan's shoulder to pull him closer so that he's semi-hugging him and playing with his hair, "Did Sehun turn it on for you?"

Luhan doesn't answer verbally, he just shakes his head and buries his face into Jongin's chest to hide his face.

"Right! I'll tell him everything he needs to know about you. Sehun must memorize every single detail of it."

Sensing Kyungsoo's hand wrapping unconsciously around his waist as he naps beside him, Luhan can't help feeling his heart clench at that gesture. Kyungsoo has a habit of that, he clutches everything he could reach when he sleeps.

"You said you were gonna tell me something," Jongin mutters, "What is it? Was it important?"

Luhan can't find himself to say it. He's scared, not to be left alone by himself, but he's scared of hurting Jongin and Kyungsoo with his decision.

"J-jongin... I... I can't..." he gasps as he finally breaks into a fit of sobs, "I can't... do it... I just... right now... can't say it..."

Worried when he hears Luhan suddenly mumbling a cry, Jongin quickly checks his face and peeks down at him, "Hey, why are you crying? Did something happen!? Are you okay!?"

Shoulders trembling and chest heaving as he weeps, Luhan's tears freely stream down his face as he cries.

Everything feels heavy, the fact that he's been keeping something from them and he can't even say it, makes him want to burst out in guilt and in pain. It just hurts so much to lie and pretend he was okay all this time.

"Babe... Please tell me what's wrong," Jongin says, hushing Luhan down gently and hugging him tight. He can feel him shake inside his arms, "Did I say something that hurt you? Did Sehun and you get into a fight?"

The reason why he can't break up now, is because he has no other reason to tell Jongin why.

He can't tell he was being mistreated by them because it's not even the truth. He can't make Sehun an excuse because it won't be fair to use Sehun to deal with his own problem. More importantly, he can never tell him the real reason--- that he is breaking up with them because he loves them very much, to the point that he can sacrifice himself for their happiness and betterment--- and that is without him.

He needs to have a plausible reason so that he can end things in an acceptable way; although it will hurt, although he is terrified.

"I'm sorry.... I'm very sorry for sending you here," Jongin says, and he has no idea how Luhan greatly suffers hearing him apologize when clearly he didn't do anything wrong, "It's my fault.... I'm so sorry."

"No, Jongin... It's not your fault..." Luhan shakes his head, "I chose to do this and I don't regret it... I'm actually happy... That is why I'm crying..." He lies. "I'm being just an emotional bitch right now... but I'm okay, I really am."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"God, you scared the shit out of me," Jongin says in relief. He cups Luhan's face and wipes his soaked cheeks with his thumbs, before he's kissing him on the lips which tastes salty because of his tears.

Luhan kisses him back gently, forgetting for a while that Jongin is not gonna be a part of his life anymore.

"Don't cry now, alright?" Jongin whispers, grinning, "You're looking uglier than what you already are."

Luhan weakly hits him, "Mean."

"Just kidding."

"Well, it's not funny."

"Let's just go home so we could all rest now," Jongin says as he moves to the front to take the wheel, "I'll just drive since our baby Kyungsoo has already fallen deep asleep."

"Okay."

During the drive back home, Luhan occupies himself by staring out of the window as he puts off the thoughts of breaking up at the back of his mind. Maybe today won't be the right time, maybe tomorrow or the next day will do.

"Come back..."

He pauses, hearing Kyungsoo mutter in his sleep. Looking down to his shoulder, he watches as the male squeezes his arm and snuggles to him closer.

Kyungsoo is not generally affectionate in nature, but when he is unconscious or he's in the mood to be clingy, he would be doing it in a superlative way.

He must be dreaming right now, Luhan mentally tells himself as he takes Kyungsoo's free hand to hold it inside his own. He sees Kyungsoo furrowing his eyebrows as he clenches his fist tight.

"I'm sorry... Please don't leave me..."

There's a pinch in his heart hearing Kyungsoo say it as though he knows.

"Don't go... Luhan."

It breaks his heart into million pieces hearing him just say his name.

*

To be continued