A dear person of mine died on my hands at the ER department because he was hit by a car on his way to congratulate me on my 1st month on work as a doctor.

I was to work till the next noon, a 32 hours' shift. Noone offered to change my shift so I went on working despite me being in shock. 

 That day changed my perspective on a lot of things.

He came for me 2 times. The first one the security guard didn't let him in because we were on rounds, checking as team the patients. He came again later on, fearing that he wouldn't make it on time to surprise me. Well he did. When they brought him in and I started telling his ID, the surgeon in charged asked in surprise 

- Can he talk in that state?

- No, he can't, I answered. I know him.

- Get out!

- No, I am not!

I got out later on for a few minutes to make a call and let his people know that he was at the hospital badly injured because of a car accident and I left a voice mail because there was noone picking up the phone. 

He died on the hallway in horrific pains as almost every bone of body had been broken while doctors were arguing whether there is a point to transfer him in Intensive Care at another hospital since he was a lost cause. 

I had to announce his death to his family. His closest friend then told me in total calmness

- Just think of it for a minute. So many people love and treasure him and yet you were the only one he chose to be on his side at his moment of death. It was an honnor saved strictly for you. It was his last gift to you.

I've spent more than 15 years asking myself countless "what if".

No answer ever changed any hard fact.

So I just go on.