Nothing in the world can compare to a touch of sweet and blossoming love. Not even the sight of Priscilla drenched in tears. Though it's a close call!

I can't count on two hands how many times Priscilla has come moping around Paxson's house in the last few weeks. It's pitiful honestly. Her mascara dripping from molten eyes, sobs that weep in torment and agony claiming it "eats her life away". And one cannot forget her uncalled-for declarations of affection that force a gag out of me.

I think it's safe to say that the precious Ice Queen has fallen to her misery, and I for one, couldn't be more thrilled about it!

It's bliss again, just like old times. I have something to wake up to every morning. I have people who care about me. Most importantly, I have the solidified closure that Paxson adores me. We've drawn closer, smiling and laughing at our togetherness. Surely, if I was an observer of this relationship I'd mock and ridicule the sight of it and crack obnoxious jokes in disgust, but hey, that's beside the point.

What keeps me on edge is the space of our infinity. The strings that knot our hearts in a harmonic bond. Whether it's friendly cuddling on the couch, working on my homework together, or even grocery shopping. Paxon and I are together. About damn time!

It's a Thursday night and through my bedroom door, there has been a lack of commotion. It wasn't until I finished my nonsense school assignments and stepped out my bedroom door that I noticed the house turn into a ghost town. I tiptoe down the stairs to find no one in sight. I've only been up in my room for a good two hours, did everyone get abducted?

Like a snail, I drag my feet down each step patiently. As I come closer to the ground floor, the aroma of spices tickles my nose. I faintly hear the sound of piano music gracefully filling the house with a magical sensation.

I finally reach the wood floor that cools my bare feet. My arms wrap around my chest. I peek over the wall to see who hides in the kitchen, and when my eyes catch the culprit, I gasp.

He glances my way briefly, then does a double-take. I sense the grin on his lips before he speaks.

"You're done with your work early." Paxson's voice holds no seriousness. I bring myself towards him on impulse.

We're alone, truly alone, and this fact both scares and excites me. "What's this all about?" I creep closer and welcome the sweet scent of a warming masterpiece being created by an angel.

"This," Paxson faces me with a grin, "is for you."

Beside me, a table set for two. Tulips rest in the center of the table with a candle beside it and a salad bowl is already placed among them. "Is this a dinner just for us?" My eyes plead back at him. Paxson looks at me again, stirring a pot on the stove.

"My mom, the kids, and my uncle wanted to get away for the afternoon, I can't imagine why?" He winks at me mischievously and chuckles.

I relax into the seat next to me and gape in awe. He did this for me, for us. What's the catch? "Should I be worried?"

Paxson turns off the stove and checks the oven one more time before clicking that too in hypersleep. "The only thing to be worried about is how fat you're going to feel after you've stuffed your face."

One by one Paxson fills the dining table with rice, soup, grilled chicken, and creamy macaroni and cheese. The rice is layered with bits of broccoli and spices. The chicken is grilled to a perfect golden brown. I marvel at the cheesy macaroni swapped with a smooth cheese sauce. I can't contain myself much longer.

I top my plate with a serving of everything and dig right in. Paxson does the same. After fifteen minutes of dead silence, while we munch on our food, my stomach cries for help.

"Okay, I'm out! I can't take another bite." I rub my tummy in defeat. Paxson wipes his mouth with a napkin and swallows before speaking.

"I hope there's still room in there for dessert."

I huff and my eyes go wide. "Dessert too?! You're joking, right? You made so much food already, how did you have time to make dessert too?"

"Ah, but I didn't, the store made it for me. I got your favorite, chocolate cheesecake," his hand moves near mine. It rests on the fluorescent table mat. Just when our fingers are about to connect, he puts it away.

My head falls to meet my lap as I conceal the hurt in my eyes. "Thank you," is all I manage to say. The space is hushed for a moment until Paxson breaks the surface with the haunting truth.

"What do you expect from me, Prim? I'm trying here, I am. But I need to control my actions. I need to be careful. For the both of us," I don't dare meet my face his. I'll break down, I know I will.

"Bottom line is," he adds carefully "we need to take this slow." He's more serious now, I glance up to take in his creased brows and concerned hazelnut eyes.

"Okay, but what exactly does that mean?"

"It means just because I rejected Priscilla doesn't mean I want to leap back to where we left off."

"I-I guess so. But Paxson I care about you, and knowing that you still care about me brings air back into my lungs."

"This gap between us hasn't disappeared, Prim. I want to be sure that nothing's in our way." I want to believe him, but I know it's unrealistic to daydream about us being together. Imagination never becomes actuality.

"But what if... what if by the time I'm older you don't want me anymore?"

"In our circumstances, I think that's impossible."

"If you feel that way about me, then why don't you show it?"

"I told you this before, I don't want to risk anything. I'm willing to wait for you to be of age and decide for yourself what you want. If I'm forced to contain my desire to keep you around, I will. And if by then, you've changed your mind, I'll live with it."

I snap my eyes at him, my mouth ready to spit fire and retort. His ridiculous comments baffle me.

"You're so hot and cold I can never tell what's going on in that head of yours! If you say we need to be careful and not make a scene then why did you tell me not to leave your side? Why do you take the time to make a special dinner for me? Or help me with my outrageous math homework? Why?"

"Because I feel very protective of you, even though I know I shouldn't," he says.

"Why shouldn't you?" I'm pushing the limits now, but it's time I get a real answer.

"It leads to other emotions, ones I shouldn't have," his fork fiddles with the leftover rice on his plate.

"What kind of emotions?" I pressure him more.

"Ones that can wind us both in a legal mess."

"Am I the problem?"

He sighs. "No, you're not."

"So what's the problem?"

And suddenly his calm tone escalates. "The problem is I want to kiss you, and I know I shouldn't."

"I can't," he repeats, amber eyes sagging deep into a hole I know so well. A place I was trapped in for what feels like an eternity. Somewhere that I haven't escaped: Despair.

"It doesn't need to be like this," my hand finds him across the table, but unlike him, I don't pull back. This time, he accepts my touch.

"I'm scared," Paxon's eyes find mine again, searching for relief. It takes all my might to stay put in my chair and not comfort him. "And I don't just mean scared about the possibility of never having you, for more reasons than one."

Paxson's eyebrows knit together."I'm scared that once you know the whole truth you'll think I'm the bad guy. The one who ruined everything. Because in all reality, I did."

I stuttered trying to muster up a way to explain how he couldn't have ruined anything but his dead glare and monotone voice cut me off.

"On purpose."

I scoff and shove away his hand. "What- I mean how could you even say that? What are you talking about? You wouldn't-"

"Of course, you don't know, but maybe it's time I tell you the whole truth. I thought I could keep it from you. Not like it matters now, but you still have the right to know," he doesn't look at me anymore. His gaze is far off and unreadable.

"Paxson you're not making any sense."

"Prim, please listen to me. Let me explain. Isn't that what you want? An explanation?"

He's right, of course. I want to know everything, but now that the opportunity has come, my body tingles, and my skin crawls. Ignorance is bliss, no doubt, but I can't keep living in the dark anymore.

"Yes, okay. I'll listen."

He closes his eyes and breathes in as if he's preparing for the worst. Whatever his words reveal, I'm ready for it.

"I want you to know that what happened in the past is the past, but what I felt for you back then and now are the same, if not stronger. So please, don't play a sad story in your head while I say this," I nod slowly. I hide my hands under the table to conceal their shaking.

"First let's start at the beginning."

***

I walk the cobblestone pathway for what seems to be the millionth time, but it feels foreign to me now. The steps I take hold a different purpose. Each connection between me and this place is the last cry for help, a final goodbye.

Here I am, face to face with a coral welcome sign and a beige wooden door. The doorbell receives my touch, and within seconds the door swings open.

Mrs. Carr is a dark blonde with traces of gray peeking out. Her wise mind and sensible heart comfort the child in me. Besides having a habit of always being late, this lady carries no faults. Mrs. Carr's bravery is in the way she walks, talks, cares and lives for her family. I only wish I could be as forgiving as this wonderful woman. Saying goodbye to her is truly painful.

"Paxson," she wiped her hands on a dishtowel, her smile radiates compassion. But there's a hint of fear in them as well. "Prim isn't here. I have to get her after preparing dinner. You're more than welcome to it."

"Thank you, ma'am, but I won't be here long. I'm just passing through. I've come to see you."

Her eyebrows raise. "Oh? What can I do for you?"

I release my clenched hands and sway on my feet. This is harder than I thought it would be. "Well, this is sorta goodbye. My mom can't afford to stay here alone without support anymore, it's too expensive. We're moving in with my uncle in North Carolina."

It takes her a moment. A strand of hair falls on her face and she swipes it away awkwardly. "Well, this is going to be hard on her. Don't you want to wait and say goodbye to her formally?"

I shake my head and meet the ground. "Really, I couldn't. As selfish as that sounds. I was wondering if you could tell her I left for a new start. Something along those lines."

Her sigh brings me to look at her again. Her eyes are identical to Prim's, and it burns my chest with excruciating heat. "Despite all our concerns with you and our daughter, I'm going to miss you. I know she'll be heartbroken. But," she pauses a moment, then sighs, "I think I agree, you should leave. For her sake."

"I know that if I stay any longer I'm going to fall helplessly in love with your daughter, but I'm not good for her," my mind urges me to shut up, but my mouth rebels and continues to spew out uncontrollable gibberish.

"While I'm here, I'd also like to say sorry. I really wanted to make this work. I needed to try and pretend as if our circumstances are normal, but I've made things worse."

"You're already in love with her, that much is certain, but you can't bring yourself to admit it," her laugh hides no surprise. I clamp my lips shut.

"I do hope you keep in contact, same with your mother. Don't be strangers, you know I love hearing from you and your family."

I take it as my cue to stay silent. I nod in response and back away slowly. I'm just about to sprint to my car and zoom far away from this place when her voice calls out to me.

"Paxson, just remember that the greatest challenge of all is knowing who's worth fighting for and who you should set free." The door slowly starts to close, and I can barely hear the last words she says. "I hope you find happiness wherever you go, and that you're completely satisfied with the choices you're making right now." A ghost smile plays on her lips as the door creeks shut.

I don't look back before I drive away.

The November chill has just set in, and every day I miss Prim's company. Every day was spring whenever I was blessed by her closeness. But just as spring is a month of rebirth. It was a beginning that felt like my end, and now I have no joy in any season or any time of the year. It's all meaningless without her.

Working out is one of the only ways I can escape the ghost that haunts me. That and working restlessly until I have no energy for thoughts.

I'm on the treadmill busting a sweat and blasting my rock playlist when my phone buzzes obnoxiously. It's an unknown number but I know right from the first sentence this text is unlike any other.

Hey Paxson, it's Mrs. Carr! It's been a while since I've heard from you! Your mom gave me your number ;) I had a fun little idea I wanted to share with you. Stella's college hunting at the moment, so we are taking a trip east to go college sightseeing. That's when I thought "gee I know some great people on that side of America, let's go pay them a visit!" I tried to convince Prim to tag along but she's made it clear she'd rather "die" than join us on our trip, so I was thinking on our way back home you could surprise her back in Washington and stay for a weekend. I already talked to your mom about it and she seemed okay with it. If you're interested I'll let you know the dates we're deciding to go. Sound cool?

It's been months since I've seen her. I never thought I would again. I don't know if she'd hate or love seeing me again but I know for a fact I can't stay away. I have to say yes.

Hi Mrs. Carr! Glad to hear from you. That sounds like a great plan. I'm in!

"The house is great! Ronnie loves the kids around and it's such a wonderful neighborhood. Oh, I wish you could see!" My mother lounges on the couch talking to one of her friends from back home. She didn't have very many in Washington, and most people she cut off after the divorce, but she had a select few and I know she misses them dearly.

I scavenge around the house for a sweet snack when my mom brings up a name I can't ignore. "How's Prim doing? It's been a while. Is she adjusting?" There's a silence before she speaks again. "Yeah I understand, it's a tough situation, and I feel bad but truly this distance is the best for them both. I think Paxson is slowly coming along."

She stops talking, nonverbal sounds escape her as she tunes in. I close the fridge quietly and contemplate whether or not I should hear the conversation. The landline mocks me from across the kitchen and I reluctantly slide towards it. It's planted on the wall, waiting for me to sneak a listen, whispering me over.

I reach my destination, grip the phone and listen closely. Mrs. Carr's voice speaks in my ear.

"There's this boy that's been coming around the house for a while now. He's really cute and I think she likes him a lot," my head spins. I lean on the wall for support. I can't fathom what I'm hearing. Is this Prim they're talking about? It must be.

"Oh wow, that's great news. Is he sweet, smart, funny?" my mom eagerly asks thrilled over this news. Why would she be so happy about this? She knows how much Prim means to me.

"Yes, he is! And I could've sworn I overheard her saying they kissed and-"

I jam the phone into its socket and storm out of the kitchen. My mother calls out to me in worry as I storm past her, but I can't stand to look at anyone, including myself.

My sister cries my name as I proceed toward my room, but I have no energy to pretend I'm fine. I slam my bedroom door behind me and let myself sink deep into an ocean of cascading salt and burning fire.

She has someone else now. She doesn't need me. My lip trembles and I don't even realize my pathway of air is cut off until I'm gasping for breath. There is no other way to express this crushing pain quaking through me. My heart is broken into millions of pieces.

I allow a trail of warm tears down my cheek and skim its way over my neck. My body trembles in my now empty shell.

And I thought leaving her was the worst feeling. This feels like a stampede is trampling on me But this is what I wanted, isn't it? I left for her to find someone else. That was the primary reason for me leaving her, so she could be with a boy who could give her everything she wanted. So I could stop being a creep for her and let her live and love another boy closer to her age.

I hope you're completely satisfied with the choices you're making right now.

I sob uncontrollably that night, and though the January frost is bitter to the touch, I welcome the frigid air into my body. If freezing to death is the only way to numb my aching inflection then I'll walk bare through a snowstorm to relieve me of my gloom.

The seasons drag on, but even the spring flowers cannot fix me now. The ice has melted, the trees are well into bloom, and yet I'm frosted to the core. Even after all this depression I've retained in me, I've still managed to keep the attention of one girl who I know adores me with a passion.

I met Priscilla by chance. I started working at a construction site in late spring which ended up being a huge mistake. The project I started working on was a translucent tower of glass meant as a corporate studio for a well-known software business. A company her father owes along with several other properties he's bought. One day she stopped by to gather the progress of the construction while her father was out of town and the rest is history.

I know she wants me, desperately. Not sure what makes me so special. I live with my mother, I make a little over minimum wage, I don't have a fancy car or connections, and in my free time, I watch kid shows and play princess with my sister. Still, she rubs her perky self right next to me and wraps me in her suffocating perfume, claiming me as her property. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

If I was any other guy, I'd be set for life. A smoking hot girl, with a rich family, a decent living, and plenty of time to vacation around the world, but I'm not like every other guy. Her silky hair, slim figure, and stuffed pocketbook only get her so far, and by that, I mean only a glance. As a human being, she might be the most unattractive person I know. Her outer surface is a facade. A cover-up of who she really is: a snotty drama queen.

Why do I keep her around? Well, what can I say, I'm selfish. She's the only friend I've made, she gives me an enormous amount of attention, and sometimes I imagine it's Prim in front of me, not her. Though the two women are not remotely alike. I'd do anything to have her back again.

I canceled the surprise plans after hearing about her new fling. When Mrs. Carr asked for a reason why I told her I couldn't call off work. I've no doubt she knows that was a big fat lie. She didn't pressure me, but her disappointment was exceedingly evident. All I ever do is disappoint.

But July has come at the speed of light, and I know right now I could've been packing and awaiting a trip to see the light of my life. Instead, I'm planning a date with a girl I couldn't care less for. All because I'm beyond broken. I'm not fixable. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I wonder what the guy's name is. If they're still together. If she thinks of me. I wonder if a part of her still cares for me, even just a little.

A knock at my door shakes me awake, and my mother strolls in. "Honey, we need to talk." I stare at her from my mirror, her petite body tips at my door frame.

"Baby, you're scaring me. Terribly. I don't know what's gotten into you-"

"You of all people should know!" I spring from my bed. My hands clench the back of my neck out of irritation. I cannot believe she's playing these games with me.

"Sweetie, whatever you think you know, you've got it all wrong."

"Mom, I don't have time for this, I'm going on a date and spending my time with another girl. Isn't this what you wanted?" I squeeze past her and trot down the stairs. I barely hear my mother holler at me as I shut the front door.

It's about time I take matters into my own hands.

It's 8 am. My little date with Priscilla took us back to her place, and every part of my body wishes I could take the whole night back.

I know my mother will be up. Home from driving Caddy to daycare and Ethan to school. I'm not prepared to see her face and wallow in the displeasure of my actions, but I have bigger problems now.

I enter as quietly as I can. She sits on the couch still and silent. Her clothes are the same as last night and her eyes are sunken from a sleepless rest. Circles of dark grief crease her beautiful orbs that I inherited. She's either worried sick, or just got the news, or maybe both. Either way, we both have hit rock bottom, that's for sure.

"I have to get Prim. Right now," she doesn't respond, just stares. I'm afraid to move an inch. Then, out of nowhere, she starts laughing. It's thin and cool, with no color at all. It itches at my skin and my spine shivers with discomfort.

"I figured it out, Paxson. I know why you're so upset. I stayed up all night wondering about it relentlessly, but I know now. Being a snoop has its consequences, doesn't it? Especially when you don't have all the information."

"What are you talking about?"

"Prim doesn't and didn't have a boyfriend after you left. In fact, she's been ignoring everyone and everything for the past year now. Her sister Stella, on the other hand, is engaged, or was engaged."

A tear smears her fair skin damp and her sniffles are thick with sorrow. "I can't believe it's taken me this long to understand, and honestly, I can't believe you went on assuming for this long that she's moved on and found another boy." her disappointment stings. "You could've asked me or Mrs. Carr instead of being a crybaby. But honestly, honey, she should move on and like someone who's her age. This has gone too far and you know it."

Terror turns my blood to ice. I've been crying and moping around all this time because of some fantasy in my mind. And now I just gave myself to a girl I have no emotions for. How can I ever live with myself?

"But it's too late for that now. You're right, you need to get her. Bring her here. I can't stand the thought of her all alone, shattered by all this. But there will be rules, and you will follow them."

She stops eyes drowning in the pain that consumes her. I haven't been the only one hurting, but I've been far too self-centered to notice.

"I can't even begin to imagine the trauma she's feeling right now," her words are barely audible, and her cries penetrate every part of her body. I cradle her as she mourns for her friends. A family that I've come to love just as much as she has, but are now dead from a fatal accident.

It was then that I promised myself to live for only her. Everything I do from this moment on will be to protect Prim from harm. Then maybe I can break free from this alien self I've become, and maybe I'll finally be able to deserve her love.

I can't hide it anymore. There's no secret left to conceal. I have and will always be in love with her.

***

Paxson stops and waits, but I have nothing to say. No words or thoughts. Not even anything cynical to snap. Not right now.

Between leaving me, the surprise-not-to-be, and him actually believing I had someone else swarm around me like a tornado. It all sinks in. Thinking it could've been him on the plane that crashed, and the ironic truth of us both climbing on a plane to come here.

All this time it was a terrible dream, some fantasy. I've held on to the fact that maybe I'll even see them all again. My wise mother, comical dad, and patient sister. Not only will I never see them, but I have no graves to grieve over, just the tainted memories we spent together.

His story makes sense and fits well. The clarity of all the events now neatly wraps into a bow encompassing my unfortunate life.

One exceptional part of the story stirs my stomach acid and threatens to spill my dinner all over. Paxson's confession of him sharing a special moment with Priscilla has whimpers escaping me. The sheer thought of him and Priscilla remotely intimate burns my throat and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. A swelling virus intoxicating my blood.

Even so, he mourned for my family, his mom mourned for my family. And me, I've shed no tears. I suppressed my emotions and locked them away. I've compressed everything I held and tucked it away, never to be seen again. But now, I don't think I can do it anymore.

The moment one drop falls, my dam breaks these steel walls I barricade.

"They're dead, they're all dead-" I weep viciously into the palm of my hands.

I don't know how it all happened, but one minute I'm in the chair and the next we're cocooned on the couch. Paxson cradles me while I cry. He says no words and cools no false remarks. All he does is let my storm howl.

I understand now, how much work and heartache Paxon has dealt with, both of us assuming it was easier for the other. Truth is, we both have suffered much pain this past year, and it's time we put this anguish to an end.

Being wrapped in his arms heals something inside me, like sunshine surpassing a monstrous tragedy. A storm calming its rage and a fire simmering to a spark, but not out of forfeit.

I release everything boiling inside me until my built-up hurricane becomes weak a frail.

Finally, my nightmare morphs to become a beautiful rain shower. Soft, and delicate.

A revival for the soul.