It had been a year now since Rian woke up.

in that year she honestly hadn't done much really, she had tried her best to revert back to her previous way of life, but to there was no denying that she was no longer the same sweet little girl she once was.

and this was a fact evident even in her simplest actions.

no longer could she run the way she used to during a game of tag, no longer could she hold her chopsticks properly while eating, and some days she could barely get out of bed without stumbling

instead, Rians body now felt like a poorly made container stuffed to the brim with something it was never made to hold.

like her limbs had been shortened and her body condensed.

these feelings came with her mind being unable to get used to the difference between her 23 year old body as Leana and her 8 year old body as Rian and that left her with an overwhelming sensation of discomfort with her own limbs

and as a result, her coordination and depth perception, among many other things, suffered greatly.

for example, although her memories and habits stuck with her, her brain was, physically, that of a child. she had new instincts, impulses, and mood changes to act upon that she'd never had before as Leana due to the difference in chemical production that came with being Rian.

these things together created an odd mesh of mature yet childish actions that, of course, were some things she couldn't hide forever, eventually, someone was going to notice the little girl who thought she was still 5'8" instead of 4'4"

and of course, with her amazing luck, that person had to be her own brother,

Kazaya Amemiya.

at first, she was sure she had been careful, making sure every action was done with decisive thought. but there's no way for a human to be completely in control all of the time, they were bound to make some mistakes

and it was also not possible to cover up every single one of those mistake from her intuitive detective-in-training older sibling.

the first time she had screwed up was when Rian had just woken up for the day and was still suffering from insomnia, caused by her initial panic, during the first week. she had gone downstairs for breakfast and kept missing all the things she reached for, first it was the chair, then her bowl, and next her glass of orange juice.

but all of those things were reasonable right? she was a tired and clumsy kid after all!

but not when it kept happening, not when it was in the middle of the day and not when it was a continuous occurrence that kept happening even the next day and the next and the next.

Rian supposed he had started to watch her around that time.

the next time was completely Rians fault.

she had been in the upstairs hallway, having just come up the stairs and was feeling frustrated over just about everything; but mostly her lack of bodily control

"It still feels wrong..."

she'd been thinking out loud, looking at her tiny arms and weak legs that kept disappointing her with disdain, when from behind her she heard

"What does?"

she was startled, she hadn't heard anyone behind her but when she spun around, there stood Kazaya, her brother looking at her with an odd expression on his face

it had been a strange interaction, Rian knew her brother had a good intuition, he always had, but she could do nothing but smile and pretend she didn't understand, acting the role of the cute little sister she was supposed to be.

and while Rian knew he definitely suspected something was up, Kazaya simply nodded and walked back to his room, patting her head as he went by

after that, there were just a bunch of chance events where Rian would make a mistake and Kazaya would always be there to witness them. Small or large, if it was within the house and not in her room, he would see her stumble, and reach, and fall.

and then one day, just a month ago, he'd finally said something

----
One night, a month ago

out of the blue, he'd asked,

"do you want to get help?"

Rian looked at her brother with confusion, Kazayas question blindsiding her, he'd just come up to her, without being prompted, and blurted it out

but she had adapted enough to know how an eight year old girl should respond

"help? help with what? if you mean with school, my grades are good ya know!" she'd said

"not from a tutor, i meant from a therapist, for your body dysmorphia." he explained, sitting down on the couch next to her, picking some grapes from her snack bowl and piping them into his mouth

Rian stilled. she'd known he was getting close to figuring out she'd been having issues with her motor functions but this kind of response had not been what she was expecting

still, she had to keep up her childish act.

"what's body dysimia Kaza-nii?"

'no kids gonna know what that is! just explain it so i don't have to ask!' Rian thought, she didn't get why her brother always treated her like she was supposed to know stuff like this!

"body dysmorphia. it's when your body feels wrong. like it's not yours."

Rian supposed she should be grateful that Kazaya had noticed this particular issue of hers instead of any of her other, more pressing, problems but still, this was not a normal thing for children her age and she was beginning to get anxious.

"huh? i don't feel anything like that! I'm just a little clumsy sometimes! no need to worry Kaza!" she grinned

Kazaya went quiet then.

the silence stretching out for what felt like an eternity as Rians anxiety grew..

"...you don't have to hide it... i'm your brother. your family. were supposed to help each other with things like this." he'd said softly, "i wont force you to go if you don't want to. but i wish you would at least talk to mom or i if you're having problems. we don't want you to deal with it alone. we love you." and with that, in typical Kazaya fashion, be pet her lilac hair, a bit longer than usual, and stood up, leaving her alone for the rest of the night

Rians smile flattened

pulling her knees up to her chest, she hid her face and closed her eyes

she appreciated the sentiment, she really did,

but there were too many problems that could come with something like that

what if they figured out she wasn't the same? that she wasn't a normal little girl with a bit of motor functioning issues but one who, debatably, wasn't even a little girl at all.

that possibility wasn't what really what troubled her though.

more than that, when Rian thought back to the words Kazaya had left her with, there was only one line that really stuck with her

"we love you."

he'd said it with such ease.

such surety.

and the fact that she couldn't say it back made Rian feel horrible.

'how can you love me? you don't even know me anymore. and just the same, i don't know how to love you either...'

Rian headed to her room.

----
a/n

this isn't gonna be an angst book i promise.

maybe.