Maddy could never really tell the difference between sleeping or waking anymore. She'd spent the last four days in her bed, only ever getting up to use the bathroom. Her mom thought it was a stomach flu. Though she was aware of the emotional trauma Maddy had been through, neither of them liked to bring up her pregnancy. So she just went with it.

The light filtering through the cracks in the curtains was the only way she kept track of time. Sometimes it would be blaring over the sheets, streaking lines of light over her face, and other times it would be dark. Quiet. Sometimes she'd open the window and breathe in the midnight air, wishing it would take her to the girl her heart so dangerously craved.

She wanted Francis to leave her alone. But, a part of her also wanted him to know what he'd done to her, for him to mourn her loss too. Maybe if she'd never slept with him – maybe if his family had never suppressed her – she would be someone else.

She'd always wanted to travel, maybe even make a living out of it. Armed with a blog and a camera she'd conquer the world. It was a dream she couldn't afford to humor anymore. Not now.

A soft knock sounded on the door, and Maddy gave a muted welcome, expecting her mother. But, it was Maria, carrying a mug of coffee and a muffin.

"Morning," she said, setting them on Maddy's bedside table. "I'm leaving tomorrow. I wanted to spend time with everyone before I left."

"You're only going for a week," Maddy pointed out, sitting up and making room for her sister beside her.

Maria gave a small smile. "I know, but still. You'll be gone by the time I'm back."

They fell into silence, and Maddy picked up the mug and cupped it in her hands. She was starving.

"It's her, isn't it?"

Maddy's heart twisted painfully at her sister's words, falling through her ribcage and into a blazing fire. Her. Her daughter. She felt guilty even calling her that, she wasn't even worth the title of a mother. It was the girl whose name she refused to know in a selfish bid to stop the pain.

"Yes."

Maria leant her head on her sister's shoulder. Today, there was apparently no fight in her. Only concern. "Do you think you'll ever be over this?"

Tears welled in Maddy's eyes. She had cried so many times since returning, she wasn't sure she had much left. "No. I don't."

It had initially been Maddy's decision to give her baby up for adoption – to a rich couple with a world of opportunities. After all, what would they have with her? A reckless party girl with a drug problem for a mother and a twisted boy with a knack for abuse and manipulation as a father – a monster with more power than feelings.

But, towards the later months, she started to change her mind.

A child does something to you. Maddy thought she was so good at detaching herself that she could survive it. But, she changed that. She changed everything. She wanted – no, needed – that baby girl in her arms.

Only, that wasn't what the Greene's wanted. They threatened her, threatened her family with money. They held Yale over her head like a bargaining chip.

After all, they couldn't ruin Francis' future with a teenage pregnancy. Even if she could be a better person, he could never be.

"Have you ever considered telling him?" Maria asked softly. "Maybe if he knew too, if all of the weight was taken from your shoulders, it could help."

"I'm not allowed to, Maria."

"Why? Because they'll take away Yale and your fancy apartment? Sounds like you'd be happier without it anyway."

Maddy almost dropped her coffee. Since when had her little superficial sister put happiness before success? Since when had she become so perceptive?

The way she said it made it sound so simple. So easy.

"I'm not sure telling him would even help. He's messed up... I can't even picture what his reaction would be."

That was a lie. She'd pictured it a million times. And it had always made her tremble with fear.

"Well, it sounds like it's making you messed up. You're trapped, Maddy. Anyone can see it. Your happy messages and Skype calls don't fool any of us," Maria said.

Maddy gave a small smile. Though Maria had infuriated her during her pregnancy – mostly because of the hormones – she wasn't all that bad. Her parents had been supportive, but also desperate to keep it out of the media with her Dad having just sold out another world tour. Maria had always cupped her bloated belly and asked if she could brainstorm names. Sometimes, Maddy would go along with it, wishing for a different world.

Something beginning with M. Like our names. Mary? Margot? May?

May.

"I think this is how things have to be," Maddy whispered, not realizing her fingers were resting back beneath her breasts, where her baby once grew. She'd grown so attached to the pitter-patter of movement beneath her skin, who was as much hers as it was his. How could something so beautiful have been created by such evil?

Later that afternoon, when Maria left to shop for groceries with her mother, Maddy switched on her phone. She'd spoken to Chloe the evening she landed home, but then had gone off of the radar, leaving an influx of calls and voicemails. She figured she was busy with William anyway from the half-an-hour long call they'd had about first times.

There were also a few texts from someone she didn't expect. Piers Lockhart.

You didn't tell me you were back in town! I got the news from my brother, which means he's back to talking to your sister, heads up.

The next two from him were suggesting they met up. He was expecting a full run down on the snobby East Coast Yale-goers and a game plan on how to deal with their disastrous siblings.

The hint of a smile toyed with the corners of her lips. Her and Piers had always had a love-hate relationship, and once they'd grown out of the it's-uncool-to-like-each-other phase they'd actually developed a regular friendship. Until she'd stopped talking to him after giving birth, of course. She didn't really talk to anyone after that.

Maybe she would see him. It had been a while, after all. He'd been traveling the world, walking runways everywhere from Milan to Tokyo. Of course, he'd always been destined for modeling, with his white-blonde hair, fair skin, and high cheekbones. And then there was his attitude, so strikingly cool she almost felt intimidated.

She'd loved to have seen him. But, like with a lot of things, she was growing good at depriving herself of what she loved.

And besides, he was another reminder of her turbulent past. He'd played his part in bringing her down, intentional or not. It was just easier to cut these people from her life. She hardly deserved friends anyway, not when she could hardly look at her reflection without feeling enraged at the person she was.

She'd also been avoiding Chloe, despite her talking non-stop about finally seeing her. It was a wonder she hadn't arrived at her doorstep and broken her way into Maddy's room by now. Part of Maddy was beginning to feel that indulging in social activities was betraying her baby in some way. Maybe isolating herself was just the only way to cope.

She was supposed to be jetting off back to Connecticut in just three days, and she was hoping she could live out those without leaving the vicinity of her bed. Francis' visit had completely rattled her, a nightmare from her past who she never wanted to encounter again.

Only, the nagging feeling pulling at her gut was starting to tell her she really needed to. Maybe it could be the only way she could start to move on, maybe even escape from the chains holding her firmly in place.

But those chains, the depression overwhelming her, they were helping her cope in a way too. Maybe if she spent her life miserable, she would be getting what she deserved, for letting herself give up her baby girl. She wouldn't feel as guilty if she were miserable.

She dived back into the covers, willing her mind to forget. It would be so much easier if she could just forget.

***

When the day of her flight came she couldn't breathe. It was an ordinary function that had been stolen from her, like so much else.

By now, after days without contact, Chloe was furious that Maddy had told her she was already leaving. Piers had given up on contacting her altogether. And even her mother had stopped admitting it was a stomach flu keeping her trapped in her bedroom.

She couldn't leave. She couldn't stay. She just couldn't be anymore.

If only time would pass silently. But, instead of quietly disappearing like sand through an hour-glass it was screaming at her like a freight train rushing past her window, so loudly that even when she blocked her ears with her fists it was still deafening. Every second that passed ripped away a little more of her sanity. Any longer and she'd be left with nothing.

She was dying, collapsing from the inside out. It was to the point where she was sure that the repercussions, though terrifying, may be better than this. She was sure if she left to return to school now, she'd never come back. She couldn't go on like this. The thought of returning to her life of silent grief was crippling.

It was live or die. The whole purpose of this silence – the reason for her slow, torturous destruction – was for him. To keep him oblivious and happy, even though he deserved anything but.

Before she could think it through, or even think about it clearly, she was searching for his contact on her phone. Her fingers were trembling so badly she barely managed it, and she pressed call before she could give herself the chance to back out.

He picked up on the second ring, all no-nonsense, no room for a greeting. "Who is this?"

She was gasping for air, stuck in the middle of an ocean with a million tons of water suffocating her from above. The voice that haunted her nightmares sounded so terrifyingly sweet.

Long, deadly fingers traced gashes across her thighs, holding her against him in a way that had her gasping for more. "Don't you want to get back at her? To know that I want you instead of Lola-fucking-Davenport?"

"Who are you and how did you get my personal number?" he continued after a moment of silence. He sounded annoyed.

Of course, he'd deleted her from his phone. It just made sense. She was as insignificant to him as another girl passing through his bedroom, trapped under an oath of silence.

Sweat coated his brow and glittered across her chest. Her fingers scrunched in his hair as he laughed wickedly upon her lips. "I knew you were a bad girl, Madeline Danton."

"It's...." she paused, her shoulders shuddering in a wave of nausea. The memories strangled her, wrapping around her throat and demanding her to keep quiet. "Francis, it's Maddy."

"Maddy?"

Her clothes were thrown roughly across the room – her designer leather jacket knocking over a vase of purple flowers, water and petals scattering around the jagged broken china. "Get out. Get out before she sees you as the dirty slut you are. Get out before I ruin you!"

Her face was wet, her voice wavering so uncontrollably she was worried he wouldn't even be able to comprehend her words anyway. "I think we should meet. There's... there's something I need to tell you."

Then, as soon as the words were freed from her lips, she screwed her eyes shut, waiting for her world to come crashing down in chaos.

This would end it all. Her chance for success, her chance for freedom. Her reputation. Her agony.

-
again, a reminder that time is ticking to enter the competition over on radish fiction! i hope you enjoyed this chapter ❤

Also, for those confused, updates here are now every Friday - 💕Ann