Chapter 14

"I thought you're hungry?" I asked nung makita ko na papunta na kami sa express way. Tahimik lang si Pablo simula nung umalis kami sa reception hanggang sa makabalik kami sa may hotel. He would answer when I ask him questions, but he really wasn't in a very chatty mood. I understood why, though. He played his part perfectly and I made it look like he's with someone who still wasn't over her ex.

He's rightfully annoyed.

Ako iyong nagdala dito sa kanya tapos ako pa iyong puro mali ang nagawa.

"It's fine," he replied in such a dismissive tone na hindi na ako nag-attempt na magsalita pa. The atmosphere was so awkward na ni hindi ko magawang buksan iyong radio—but the silence was deafening na nilakasan ko na iyong loob ko na buksan iyon.

Isinandal ko iyong ulo ko at sinubukan na matulog para hindi na ako mag-overthink. Hindi ako nakatulog. I reached for my phone and my eyes widened when I saw a lot of notifications—and incoming notification.

'Hindi ka na nahiya, Cerise. Sa kasal pa mismo ng kapatid mo,' Mama messaged. My lips parted as I read the message. Nakatitig lang ako doon na para bang mababago iyong laman nun kapag tinignan ko lang.

Ang dami pang pumasok na message mula sa iba naming kamaganak.

Fuck it.

Ni hindi ko nga gustong pumunta sa kasal na 'yon in the first place. Ako na naman ang masama sa kanila. Tanginang buhay 'to.

"What?" I asked nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Pablo. He said something but I was too preoccupied with thinking about how I was the villain yet again. I didn't do anything—I did everything they asked. Nananahimik ako na tumayo doon para sa picture taking. Siya naman iyong nanguna na sabihin na nagaaway kami ni Pablo tapos nung tinama ko, ako na naman ang masama. Tapos pinaiyak ko pa raw. I could already imagine how she was crying when we left—iyong tipo na halos hindi na siya makahinga. She looks so helpless whenever she does that. Bakit pa ba ako nagtataka na kampi lahat sa kanya?

"Compartment box," he said.

"What?"

"There's tissue in the compartment box," he said.

"Why—" I asked nang bigla akong mapatingin sa rearview mirror. My eyes were bloodshot red. Fuck. Umiiyak ako? Why was I crying because of them? I fucking hated it. I hated wasting tears para sa mga tao na walang pakielam at ambag sa buhay ko.

They're my family only because I had no choice.

They never really felt like family—mas para pa silang panel sa thesis defense na maraming kumento sa mali o tama sa buhay ko.

"I'm sorry," I said as I wiped the tears with my thumb. But the stupid tears kept on falling, so I reached for the glove compartment at kinuha iyong tissue na sinasabi niya. I profusely wiped the tears. Then forced a laugh. "I don't even know why I'm crying over this," I explained.

He wasn't saying anything.

For a second, I was thankful that we were in the middle of the expressway because I didn't know how I would handle him staring at me as I cried dahil sa frustration sa pamilya ko.

"Just please drive," I whispered because I really was not in the mood to talk about it. More than anything, I was tired. Gusto ko nang bumalik sa Maynila. Bakit ko ba naisipan na magandang ideya na pumunta ako sa kasal ni Therese?

I should've took the loss and just skipped the wedding dahil ganoon din naman pala ang kinahantungan—I still ended up being branded as the bitter sister.

I received a message from my cousin asking kung okay lang ba ako at 'wag kong pansinin iyong GC. I didn't dare ask kung ano ang sinasabi nila sa group chat dahil wala namang bago.

Walang bago pero hindi pa rin ako sanay.

Pwede bang i-turn off na lang iyong pake?

"Thank you," I said when Pablo stopped in front of the coffee shop kung saan kami nagkita kanina.

"Do you want to have some dinner?" he asked as I was trying to unbuckle my seatbelt.

"No, I'm not hungry."

"Well, I am. Do you want to watch me eat?" he asked.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "What?"

"I could use some company," he said.

I tried to breathe deeply, but even that felt like an unfair fight at this point. "Thanks... but I'm fine," sabi ko sa kanya dahil halata naman na ayaw niya akong iwan ngayon.

"I know you are, but eating alone is lonely," he said as both his hands were on the steering wheel.

Wala na akong lakas makipagtalo. Parang ang daming nangyari ngayong araw.

"Okay," I said as I was nodding. "But I don't wanna go somewhere else. I wanna go home."

He nodded. "Okay," he said. "I'll order food. What do you want?"

"Hindi ako gutom."

"How about pizza?"

"Yeah, sure..." sabi ko nung sinusuot ulit iyong seatbelt ko.

"Pizza and beer?"

I just nodded as I once again laid my head against the seat and closed my eyes. I just really wanted this day to be over. I wanted to go back to work. I wanted to be busy. I missed doing my demanding work and not having time to think about anything else.

"Cerise," he called.

"Yes?" sagot ko habang nakapikit pa rin ang mga mata.

"Where will we go?"

"Right..." sabi ko at saka sinabi ko sa kanya iyong address ng condo ko. It was just a short distance from the coffee shop. I remained quiet hanggang makarating kami sa parking. Pablo carried my bag for me. I just quietly walked hanggang makarating kami sa elevator at makarating sa may condo ko.

"Just... I don't know... feel at home," I said as I opened the door para makapasok siya. Alam ko na malinis iyong condo ko. Before this disastrous day happened, I thought that there's a possibility na iuwi ko rito si Pablo kaya naman sinigurado ko na malinis iyong condo ko para hindi nakakahiya kapag pumunta siya. It did happen, though, but hooking up was the last thing in my mind at the moment.

Dumiretso ako sa kwarto ko at nagpalit ng damit. I just wanted to be rid of anything related to that wedding. Pumunta ako sa CR at naghilamos at nagtanggal ng makeup. But even then, I kept on thinking about what they might be saying about me behind my back.

Bakit ba hindi ako masanay?

I could never please everyone...

Why couldn't I just stop caring?

"I already ordered," sabi ni Pablo pagbalik ko sa sala.

I gently nodded. "Do you want anything?" I asked.

Umiling siya. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. He must be pitying me right now. Kung sabagay, kung ako man ang nasa posisyon niya, maaawa ako sa kanya. Kasi halata naman kung sino ang mas mahal ng nanay namin, kung sino ang mas kinakampihan ng pamilya namin at mukhang ng buong lugar namin.

It probably seemed like it wasn't a voluntary decision when I moved here in Manila—he must probably thought that I went here because I was so unwanted there.

And he's probably right.

No, he's right.

"What?" I asked because he was staring at me unabashedly.

"Nothing," he replied.

"Okay."

"Do you want to talk?"

"No, not really."

Tumango siya. "Okay," sabi niya. "If you don't mind, I'll stay here for a while. I was tired from driving," dugtong niya kahit halata naman na ayaw niya lang akong iwanan magisa dito.

"Whatever you want," sagot ko sa kanya.

I went and grabbed two glasses and a bottle of wine. Wala pa rito iyong inorder niya. But I wanted to drink. I wanted to drink para makatulog agad ako dahil gustung-gusto kong matapos na ang araw na 'to.

"Do you want?" I asked, offering him one of the glasses.

"Okay," he replied.

Naupo ako sa carpet habang nakapatong sa coffee table iyong dalawang wine glass at iyong wine. I poured one for him and almost filled my glass to the brim.

We were drinking quietly—or maybe I was drinking quietly. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na ganoon lang ang ginagawa. He barely touched his glass of wine habang ako ata iyong uubos nung bote.

"I'm not an alcoholic," I said.

"Wasn't thinking that."

"Okay," I said.

"Do you want me to grab you another bottle?" he asked.

Natawa ako. "Very supportive," I said in a slurry tone.

"I mean, I own a bar," he said in a playful manner. "I support alcohol consumption—within reason, of course."

I smiled as I gently nodded my head. "No, I'm fine," I said as I played with my half-full glass. I bent my legs close to my chest at saka sinandal sa mga tuhod ko iyong ulo ko. "I'm sorry for earlier."

"There's nothing to apologize for," he said.

"They know we're together tapos pinagmukha ko na may hangups pa ako," sabi ko habang nakayukyok pa rin ang mukha.

"Don't worry about it."

"But that was the one thing you asked of me."

"I changed my mind," he said. "They can think of me as a simp for you for all I care."

Natawa ako. "Really? Simp?"

"Did I not use the term correctly?"

"I mean, tama naman."

"Okay. I thought I used it wrongly."

"You're up with the lingo."

"You hear things as a bartender," he said.

"Interesting things?"

"Some interesting, some fucked up," he told me. "Makes you think about life, really."

"What's the most fucked up thing you heard?"

"Hmm... There are lots, actually, but on the top of my head, there was this one time when a guy was drinking pretty heavily and he told me that tomorrow, he'd be marrying the sister of the love of his life because he got her pregnant."

Napatingin ako sa kanya at napaawang ang labi. "Seriously?"

He nodded. "Apparently, the girlfriend—or ex-girlfriend—went abroad for some job and when she returned, the wedding they planned became the wedding of her boyfriend and her sister. Pretty fucked up, if you think about it."

"Fuck," I uttered under my breath. "That... felt familiar. Bakit sa lahat ng kwento, 'yan pa ang sinabi mo?"

He shrugged. "That was what came into mind."

"Too close to home."

He looked at me and I was a bit surprised when he gently patted my head.

"I know you don't want me asking, but are you okay?" he asked. "I just have to ask once."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal. Huminga ako nang malalim. And then I turned my gaze back at the glass of wine.

"No... not really," I said in a low tone. "I'll be okay tomorrow. I have my work to keep me occupied."

"How about your family?" he asked. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

Umiling ako. "No, it's fine. You've already seen how it is, anyway."

"I now understand why you don't like going there."

I gave a small smile. "Why would I go to some place where I'm obviously unwanted, right?"

"Your place is here now," he said.

"I know."

"You don't have to ever go back there."

Natawa ako. "Akala ko ba family is family?"

"Not when they treat you like that," sabi niya.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nasaktan... kasi it's one thing na alam mo na basura iyong trato sa 'yo ng pamilya mo... it's another na pati ibang tao ay kitang-kita iyon.

Na para bang ano ba iyong kasalanan ko?

Bakit hindi patas sa aming dalawa ni Therese?

"I know," I said. "I'd probably never go back."

"Good. Stay where you're wanted."

"Kasi unwanted ako 'dun?" I asked, trying to crack a joke.

"Maybe," he replied. "But it's their loss."

Ngumiti ako. "Thanks."

"You shouldn't have given them the hotel voucher."

Natawa ako. "It's fine. Parting gift na 'yon."

He just nodded. "Are you really done with them?" he asked but I felt like he was pertaining to Leo.

"Yeah... I think I'm done," mahina kong sagot.

Napatingin siya sa phone niya. "The food's downstairs," sabi niya tapos ay bumaba siya para kunin iyon. I just hugged my knees close to my chest and tried to block all the thoughts... until I didn't realize I already fell asleep. 

**
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