Chapter 30

Everyone in the family was worried.

Everyone was blaming me for what happened.

It was nothing surprising, really.

Kasi kapag may magandang nangyayari, hindi nila ako naaalala. Pero kapag may masamang nangyari na kahit kaunti lang ay pwedeng isisi sa akin? Sa akin talaga nila isisisi.

Been there, done that.

"Are you gonna visit?" Pablo asked.

It's been a quiet night with him. Nang marinig ko iyong nangyari kay Therese, of course nagulat ako. But... I had no urge to visit her. I had no urge to go ask to talk to her. I was really just done with her shit.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked.

"Anything," he replied as he tightened his hold on me. We were in bed and he was hugging me from behind. I could hear his steady breathing. I felt at home whenever his skin was touching mine. Kung pwede lang sana na ganito lang kami palagi.

"It's pretty fucked up," I said.

"I won't judge."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said and planted a small kiss on my shoulder. "Do you want me to tell you something fucked up, too, so you'll feel comfortable sharing?"

"Yes... but some other time?"

"Okay," he said as I felt him nodding.

Hindi agad ako nagsalita. I felt bad for thinking this. I felt like I shouldn't tell him this because I felt like I was an awful human being for even considering this.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he said.

I shook my head. I should tell him. I mean, if we're in this for the long haul, he should accept me for who I am, right? Both the good and the bad? And maybe even the terrible parts of me?

"It's just that..." I said as I held on to his hands. Takot ba ako na bitawan niya kapag sinabi ko na? Siguro. But I just needed to say this out loud. "I feel like Therese's just doing this to stop us from... I don't know... Potentially suing her. Hindi naman natin gagawin, pero hindi niya naman alam 'yon, 'di ba? Because thinking about it, she kept on pulling this kind of stunt growing up. Na tuwing may mangyayari sa aking maganda, bigla siyang magkakasakit o mag-aaksidente. I thought nothing about that before because more than anything, I was worried about her. But then... this again," I said.

He didn't say a word but I felt him caress my arm as if he was urging me to tell him my deepest, darkest thoughts and assuring me that by the end of it, he'd still be here.

"Because... if she really wants to kill herself... I mean... there are ways to make sure it'll happen, right? And not just an attempt?"

God, I felt so bad for saying this out loud.

"But maybe I'm just thinking this because I really can't trust her anymore."

Silence engulfed us once again. A few seconds later, I felt Pablo kissing the back of my head. I turned to look at him and his eyes caught mine.

"Are you disappointed?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Your thoughts are warranted."

"Really?"

He nodded. "But maybe you should talk to your sister."

"About what?"

"Everything," he said. "After all, she's in the hospital. She has nowhere to run. You can tell her everything once and for all."

"I don't think she'll change."

"It's not for her," he said, caressing my cheek with his thumb. "It's for you. Just tell her everything and then be done with it. No contact after that. You'll feel lighter."

Tumingin ako sa mga mata niya. "You think so?"

He nodded. "I hope so," sabi niya at dinampian ako ng halik sa labi. "I just don't want you to carry this baggage your entire life. Just unload it once and for all."

I stared into his eyes as I breathed okay.

"You'll be fine," sabi niya tapos ay hinatak ako papalapit pa lalo sa kanya at niyakap. "I'll be outside in case you need backup."

Natawa ako. "She's literally on a hospital bed. I don't think I'll need a backup."

"We'll never know. Your family never fails to surprise me."

Muli akong natawa. "Same," I said and then we proceeded to talk about other things until we both fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up before the alarm. Dahil hindi na kami nakakain kagabi dahil sa pagdating ni Mama, I called the reception at saka pinainit iyong pagkain namin. Sayang naman kasi ni hindi pa namin nagagalaw 'yon. Kaya naman sakto na paggising ni Pablo ay naka-ready na iyong breakfast namin.

"Do we have microwave here?" he asked, a bit confused dahil siya iyong naglagay ng food sa ref.

Umiling ako. "No, pinainit ko lang," I said. We began eating in silence. I love this about us. We can talk about difficult things, but we can also enjoy in silence. Ewan ko. I love talking to him, but I also love my silence. It was just so nice to finally found someone whom I can enjoy my silence with.

"I'll go later," I said while he was in the middle of eating.

"Do you want me to come?" he asked.

I nodded. "You're my backup, right?"

Natawa siya. "Of course," sabi niya. "But I'm hoping that I don't have to be your backup. I don't like confrontations if not necessary."

Natawa naman ako. "I'm afraid that with my family, it's a bit of a necessity," I said and that earned me a bit of a laugh from him.

When we finished eating, naghanda na kami para pumunta sa ospital. Una kong pinuntahan si Papa kasi 'di ko alam kung ano ang magiging resulta ng paguusap namin ni Therese. Sa trackrecord naming dalawa, malamang sa malamang ay mabu-bwisit niya lang ako. Baka mawala ako sa mood para puntahan si Papa mamaya kaya naman inuna ko na siya.

"Bakit ka nandito?" tanong ni Mama nang makita niya ako nang buksan ko iyong pinto sa kwarto ni Therese sa psych ward. Nasa suicide watch na pala siya ngayon.

Tumingin ako kay Therese. She was looking at me, too. She looked like she lost a lot of weight. She looked pale. For a second, I felt bad for her, but I reminded myself that I was staring at Therese—iyong kapatid ko na kayang gawin lahat para lang makuha ang gusto niya.

She's a mastermind and we're all her captured audience.

"Can we talk?" I asked her.

"Hindi—"

"Okay, Ate..." mahinang sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin. Para bang hirap na hirap siya sa pagsasalita. I had to convince myself that this was all a ploy. This was Therese. Bakit ba magpapaloko na naman ako?

"Hindi—"

"Mama, sige na po..." sabi niya kaya walang nagawa si Mama kung hindi ang lumabas pero of course sinabihan niya ako na kapag may masamang nangyari kay Therese.

Nang magsara iyong pinto ay naiwan kaming dalawa. Napatingin ako sa table. Maraming prutas doon at may bulaklak pa. Samantalang si Papa, halos ako lang ang nagdadala. Sobrang unfair.

"Kamusta ka?"

Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. Ano ba ang unang sasabihin sa kapatid na nasa ganitong sitwasyon?

"Hindi ko alam."

"Si Leo?"

"Iniwan na ako."

"Hindi na siya babalik?" I asked because I didn't want to tell her na nakapagusap kami bago siya umalis.

"Babalik daw... Pero bakit niya pa ako babalikan kung alam niya na ganito ako?" she asked and as if on cue, tears started to brim. God, it's either she's genuine with her emotions or she's one hell of an actor!

"Ganito ka?" I asked back, wanting to hear it from her own mouth na alam niya kung gaano siya ka-toxic at ka-manipulative na tao.

She didn't say a word immediately. Instead, she kept on trying to wipe the tears away.

"Idedemanda niyo ba talaga ako, Ate?" she asked.

Wow.

Straight to the point.

Why did I expect her to pour her heart out kung ito naman pala talaga iyong pakay niya? Ginawa niya lang yata talaga 'to para hindi na ituloy ni Pablo iyong bagay na hindi naman talaga niya gagawin.

Why did I keep on expecting something from her only to end up disappointed every fucking time?

"Hindi," sabi ko dahil gaya ng sinabi ni Pablo, kailangan ko nang sabihin sa kanya lahat ngayon dahil huli na 'to. Ayaw ko na siyang makita pagkatapos nito.

"T-talaga, Ate?"

"Pero ayaw na kitang makita pagkatapos nito. Hindi mo na ako pupuntahan. Hindi mo na ako tatawagan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon ko lang 'to ginawa, pero pagod na pagod na ako sa 'yo, Therese. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang ginawa ko sa 'yo para ganituhin mo ako. Hindi ko na rin itatanong pa kung ano kasi ano pa 'yung sense? Wala na. Suko na ako sa 'yo. Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Magkanya-kanya na talaga tayo."

Sunud-sunod iyong pagtulo ng luha niya. Pakiramdam ko ay anumang oras ay papasok si Mama at papagalitan ako dahil pinapaiyak ko iyong bunso niya. Sabagay, ano ba ang bago?

"Hindi mo talaga alam, Ate? Hindi mo alam na ikaw 'yong matalino? Na ikaw iyong paborito ni Papa—"

"Wag mo nga sa aking ibaling 'yang kasamaan ng ugali mo," mabilis na sabi ko sa kanya. "Iyong talino ko, dahil 'yon nagsisipag ako sa pag-aaral. Iyong kay Papa, dahil 'yon halos hindi ako pansinin ni Mama. 'Di ba nga ikaw iyong paborito? Kung sa ibang pamilya, iyong bunso iyong nakakakuha ng pinaglumaan ng panganay pero sa atin, sa 'yo 'yung laging bago ang gamit."

Na dati kapag nasa mall kami o palengke, kapag gusto ni Therese, bibilhin agad ni Mama. Kapag gusto ko, biglang wala na sa budget. Ang tagal na ganon lang kami. Na kapag nandyan lang si Papa at saka nakukuha ko iyong gusto ko. Kaso laging wala si Papa dahil sa trabaho. Kaya gustung-gusto ko kapag nandyan siya kasi doon lang may pumapansin sa akin.

"Ano? Ano pa isusumbat mo sa 'kin? Iyong trabaho ko sa Maynila? Iyong condo ko? Baka nalilimutan mo kung bakit ako napadpad sa Maynila. Kasi nilandi mo si Leo kahit alam mo na may gusto ako sa kanya dati. Nalilimutan mo na ba 'yon, Therese, ha? Na ilang beses nating pinagusapan na gusto ko siya pero ano ang ginawa mo? Nilandi mo pa rin. Kasi ganyan ka. Inggitera ka. Ayaw mo na masaya ako. Gusto mo kung ano ang meron ako, meron ka rin."

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang umiiyak siya.

Akala ko gagaan iyong loob ko, pero hindi pala.

Kasi hindi naman nabura lahat nung nangyari dati.

Parang mas naging permanente lang na pagkatapos nito, wala na talaga. Kasi nasabi ko na. Kasi masakit iyong mga nasabi kong salita na hindi ko na pwedeng bawiin.

"Siguro dati naghihintay pa ako na baka magbago ka pa, na baka bata ka lang kasi... Pero itong ginawa mo sa amin ni Pablo? Parang wala na talaga akong aasahan sa 'yo."

"Ate—"

Umiling ako. "Magbago ka o hindi, wala na akong pakielam kasi wala naman na ako sa tabi mo para makita ko. Seryoso ako. Ayaw na kitang makausap pagkatapos nito, Therese. Pero para sa 'yo na lang din... Magbago ka na. Hanggang may tao pa na nagmamahal sa 'yo."

Kasi nandyan pa si Mama, si Papa, si Leo. Masyado siyang busy na tignan kung ano ang meron ako na nalimutan niya kung ano ang meron siya.

Tinignan ko siya sa huling pagkakataon.

Ni hindi na ako nagpaalam.

Pero ito na 'yon—huli na talaga.

Paglabas ko ay agad kong nakita si Mama na nagaabang sa akin. Bago pa man siya makapagsalita ng masakit ay inunahan ko na siya.

"Wag kang mag-alala, Ma, hindi mo na rin ako makikita kapag gumaling na si Papa. Para hindi ka na nagagalit sa akin. Para hindi ka na naha-highblood o nadidisappoint o kung anuman," sabi ko habang nakatingin nang diretso sa kanya. "Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit parang galit ka sa akin pero ayoko na rin malaman. Basta mag-iingat kayo lagi at kahit 'di na tayo magkikita, pagdadasal ko pa rin kayo ni Therese na sana maging maayos at masaya kayo."

Naglakad ako papunta kay Pablo. He didn't say a word, but he reached for my hand.

And just like that, I knew that I'd be fine. 

**

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