#ABNQ09 Chapter 09

What Psalm said really got stuck inside my head. I mean, he did have a point. What's the point of rushing into things? What's the point of dating someone kung hindi rin pala sigurado? But on the other side, how would you know if you wouldn't give it a shot? Still... I didn't want to date the wrong person again. Kasi masakit kaya maiwan. Masakit sa puso; masakit sa pride. You'd constantly wonder where you're lacking. Bakit iniwan ka? Bakit naghanap ng iba?

Sobrang nakaka-doubt ng pagkatao.

I was sitting alone inside the room. Wala iyong mga lalaki kasi may game sila. Usually, we'd all cut class para makanood ng game. Pero ngayon? Medyo weird. Kitty waved at me, but then she sat beside Anj. Naiintindihan ko naman. Anj was acting all weird around me. She'd try to wave or smile, but would stop. Ako rin naman. And it's just sad dahil dati sobrang comfortable namin sa isa't-isa. Now, we couldn't even smile at each other.

"When will you two talk again?" Kitty said, frowning. "It's hard to be in the middle of it, you know."

I sighed. "Yeah, I know. Sorry," I told her. Among us all, si Kitty iyong pinaka-nahihirapan kasi siya 'yung dependent sa grupo. Bunso kasi namin.

"Anj wants to talk to you, but she doesn't know how."

"Me, too."

"Steele is so stupid," she said, huffing. "What did you even see in him, Joey?" seryosong tanong ni Kitty. "I mean, I thought if there's someone na boyfriend material sa friends natin, it would either be Simon or Psalm... definitely not Steele."

I shrugged. "Beats me, too," I said, not wanting to discuss the reason why I fell for Steele. Right now, I just wanted what happened to be a distant memory. Because even after everything that happened, I still wouldn't deny that Steele made me happy. Kahit sandali lang. I still wanted to keep the fond memories, and let go of the ones that haunt me.

Kitty leaned on my shoulder, and hugged me. "You're okay na ba? If not, I can stay here and listen."

Natawa ako. "Aren't you busy, Ms. Student Council Secretary?"

"I'll tell them I'm sick if you need me here."

"I'm fine, I promise," I replied. "At saka hinihintay ko lang si Manong."

"You want me to ask my driver to drive you home?" she offered.

I shook my head. "No. Sa BGC lang naman si Manong, nagpa-sundo kasi si Jax," I said. Biglang namula iyong mukha ni Kitty. May crush kasi siya kay Jax na hindi ko maintindihan. I just find it weird because he's my brother... but I guess for other people he's attractive. I just couldn't see it because he'll forever be the guy who broke my arms before dahil nire-wrestling ako.

"Ah," Kitty said with her mouth-wide open.

"No, wala pa rin siyang girlfriend. Yes, sobrang busy niya pa rin. Yes, I still subtly mention you kapag nakakapag-usap kami," sabi ko. Nahihiya kasi siyang magtanong about Jax kaya vino-volunteer ko na lang iyong information. I mean, kung magkaka-girlfriend man 'yung maarte kong kapatid, si Kitty na lang.

"You're the best!" Kitty said, hugging me tighter. Her phone vibrated—nagtext siguro iyong SC.

"Sige na, una ka na. Maghihintay lang ako dito," I said, smiling. She was still a little hesitant—I was unsure if dahil ayaw niya ako iwan mag-isa or if she wanted to stay para makita si Jax kapag sinundo ako. But eventually, she had to leave because it seemed like the council wouldn't run if she's not there.

God, they'd make a great couple. Parehong sobrang busy palagi.

A little later, dumating na sa wakas si Manong. Dumiretso ako sa loob dahil pagod na ako at gusto ko na umuwi.

"Yung libro mo nga," sabi ko kay Jax dahil nasa uupuan ko iyong mga libro niya. Magkano kaya budget nito sa libro? Ang dami, e! Tapos puro hardbound pa.

He silently got the books out of my way, and put them at the back. After that, he resumed to reading one of his whatever. Ang sipag niya mag-aral! Ako nga excited na grumaduate dahil tamad na tamad na ako mag-aral, e! Siya naman hindi na nadala at naglawschool pa.

"Oh, my God," tawang-tawang sabi ko nung biglang magnotify sa screen niya iyong Tinder app. "Nagtitinder ka?" Gosh, maiiyak na ako sa katatawa! Sino'ng mag-aakala na iyong kapatid ko na tahimik at parang walang pakielam sa mundo e may Tinder?!

"Shut up," he said, taking his phone and hiding it. "Shit," sabi niya sabay bura sa app. Naka-silip kasi ako. Hindi kasi ako makapaniwala! Wala sa personality niya!

I cocked my head. "So... Tinder, huh?"

"I didn't install it. Pinakailaman 'yung phone ko."

"Sure..."

"Hindi nga."

I shrugged. "So, nakaka-ilang date ka na?" tanong ko sa kanya. Umigting iyong panga ni Jax—sign na malapit niya na akong hambalusin ng libro niya, pero hindi ako tumigil. This was once in a lifetime opportunity kaya naman hanggang makarating kami sa bahay, hindi ko siya tinigilan. Come dinner time, himalang kumpleto kaming apat, I made an announcement na may Tinder si Jax. Gulat na gulat parents namin at mukhang lulubog na sa kahihiyan si Jax.

God, this was a good day.

* * *

Kinabukasan, I was in a good mood because of my brother.

"Good mood?" Matt asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"Nothing," he replied. "Akala ko default na bad mood ka palagi, e." Hinampas ko nga siya. "What? Ilang buwan kang naka-simangot!"

I glared at him. "San 'yung dalawa?"

He wiggled his brows. "Yung dalawa? Baka isa lang hinahanap mo," he teased, and that earned him the middle finger.

Matt laughed, but then answered my question. "Si Simon, bumibili ng pagkain. Si Psalm, kasama ng mga kapatid niya." I just nodded, and then put out my phone. I had this feeling na late iyong professor namin (as usual) kaya nagfacebook muna ako. Matagal na rin kasi mula nung huli akong nagbukas dahil iniiwasan kong makabasa ng mga bagay na hindi kaaya-aya.

"Oh..." bigla kong sabi nang makita ko iyong Psalm Gomez de Liaño is now friends with Kathryn Chandria Padilla.

"Selos?" Matt said after peeping at my phone.

"Hindi nga kasi!" sabi ko. Ilang linggo na kaya nila akong tinutukso. Baka biglang maniwala si Psalm tapos mailang sa 'kin 'yun. At saka ang weird lang... Best friend ni Psalm si Steele. Kahit saang anggulo, 'di maganda tignan.

"Defensive naman!" Matt said.

I rolled my eyes. "Hindi naman kasi talaga. At saka baka mailang si Psalm kakatukso niyo ni Simon," I said, hoping that my point would come across kasi minsan, ako na 'yung naiilang kapag tinutukso nila ako.

"Hindi 'yun."

"At saka may Kath na siya."

"Selos ka?"

"Gusto mo masuntok?" Tumawa siya. "At saka after nung nangyari kay Steele, hindi muna ako uulit," I said. Natatakot pa rin ako mag-effort tapos mauuwi sa lahat. Mag-invest ng feelings sa tao na bigla kang sinukuan. I was just not ready to risk it all again.

Shit.

Fragile nga yata ako.

"Sabi mo, e," Matt said. Thankfully, Simon came a little after. Si Psalm, late na dumating—mas late pa siya sa prof namin. After ng class, mabilis siyang umalis ulit dahil may pupuntahan yata. He just waved and smiled at me before running.

"Shut up," I said to Matt after I saw him grinning matapos kong kumaway kay Psalm habang papalabas siya. Ang lakas talaga mang-asar ng mga lalaki!

"What?" I asked after Simon stopped walking. Papunta sana kami sa cafeteria para kumain.

"Emergency meeting," he said then looked at Matt. Ah, about basketball. "Habol kami, Joey," Simon said, tousling my hair before running towards the gym. Kapag kasi late sila, ilang round ng suicide sprints ang gagawin nila kaya ayaw nila na nale-late kapag may meeting or practice.

Dumiretso na ako sa cafeteria dahil nagugutom na talaga ako. I tried to wait for them, but a few minutes later, I figured that they wouldn't be returning so I went to the library, instead. May ilang oras pa kasi bago iyong susunod na class at hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

I grabbed a few books to read, but then my phone seduced me kaya naman binuksan ko muna iyong facebook app.

"I don't date friends pa more..." bulong ko habang nakikita ko sa newsfeed ko iyong Psalm Gomez de Liaño liked Kathryn Chandria Padilla's photo. Wala ka na talagang matatago sa facebook, e. Lahat nagnonotify.

After scrolling down and seeing some things I didn't want to see, pinatay ko na iyong phone ko. Kinuha ko iyong libro at nagsimulang magbasa. I also began taking notes because why not? I mean, 'di man ako magiging lawyer kagaya ni Jax, the least I could do was to not have failing grades.

From: Eldest Broccoli

Joey

Himala, nagtext. Lately sobrang busy kasi ni Psalm—busier than before since captain siya ng basketball team this year. I mean, okay lang naman sa akin na busy siya since buhay niya naman. I guess medyo nasanay lang ako na palagi niya akong sinasamahan.

To: Eldest Broccoli

What

From: Eldest Broccoli

Mad?

To: Eldest Broccoli

Hindi. Ano'ng maipaglilingkod ko?

From: Eldest Broccoli

I lost to Saint.

To: Eldest Broccoli

And that concerns me how?

From: Eldest Broccoli

I have to drive Kath home. Can't go to the mall with you later. Sorry.

Biglang hindi ko alam kung ano ang irereply ko. Ano naman ang sasabihin ko? Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng pigilan kasi buhay niya naman 'yun, at saka kung anuman pinagpusatahan nila ni Saint. Tsk. Bakit ba ako nag-iinarte na ganito? 'Di ko naman pag-aari si Psalm.

To: Eldest Broccoli

Yup, sure. Drive safely.

From: Eldest Broccoli

Are you mad? I can pick you up after naman.

To: Eldest Broccoli

Hindi ah. Wala ka namang responsibility sakin. Sige na, may ginagawa ako. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Syempre dinamihan ko iyong letter e para hindi naman magmukhang nag-iinarte ako or may problema ako na ihahatid niya si Kath or what kasi wala naman talaga. But after that, I decided to throw my phone inside my bag. Nagfocus muna ako sa pagbabasa dahil at least ang edukasyon, hindi ako iiwan o papaasahin.

After more than an hour, I still had another hour to kill bago magsimula iyong klase. Hindi ko na kayang magbasa dahil feeling ko sasabog na sa information iyong utak ko. Ayoko rin magfacebook dahil na-realize ko na mas okay na 'di ako updated sa mga nangyayari sa ibang tao. I mean, I could barely handle myself and my problems, makiki-chismis pa ba ako sa iba?

My phone vibrated.

I debated.

I lost.

Kinuha ko iyong phone ko tapos nakita ko na si Jax lang pala. Sabi niya, late daw siya uuwi. Tsk. May date siguro. Bakit ba lahat sa paligid ko may ka-date?!

"Wala namang masama..." bulong ko sa sarili ko habang nagdodownload ng Tinder. "It's harmless..." sulsol ko pa. "Gusto ko lang ng kausap... Busy lahat ng tao..." pagtatanggol ko. "Busy sa basketball sila Matt. Busy sa SC si Kitty. Busy kay Kath si Psalm..."

I was internally debating as the app finished downloading.

"Ah, screw it," I conceded as I freaking registered. As I did so, I prayed that no one I knew would stumble upon me in this app. Kasi weird! At saka alam ko na hindi ako titigilan sa tukso nila Matt kapag nalaman nila! Pero wala naman yata silang ganito, so safe naman siguro ako.

At saka makikipag-usap lang naman ako!

At bakit ba ang defensive ko sa sarili ko?

After I finished registering, I began to swipe. Puro tiga-SCA lang din nakikita ko. Some were familiar faces so I rejected them agad. Siguro nakaka-twenty na mukha na ako bago ako nagswipe right. Hindi naman pala masaya 'to. Nakaka-pagod sa daliri.

I was about to stop when someone messaged me.

Marcus Isaiah Nicolas: Hi