Chapter Eleven
Anike’s POV

“Anike are you alright?”
Mercy asked and this would make the ninety-ninth time I have heard that since yesterday.

“I am fine.”
To be honest I am not.

That jab was a huge blow to my already low self esteem and confidence. 

I already feel like a bag of potatoes everyday and hearing her say that just made me feel worse about myself.

Talking like that to Jayden too is another reason
I was angry.

Damn, I still am.

He should have let me walk away instead of hearing those unpleasant words. At least, he tried to apologise on her behalf and at that moment the apology did not matter.

The only matter now is how do I face him for the training today.

I hardly speak out.

However, it has become a habit of mine now to speak out when I am angry.

The thing is, I hardly get angry or hurt.

Sophia just managed to hit a vital point yesterday.

I remember getting here and just curling up in my bed yesterday. That was when the questions started and till now, they still have no answer.

We were wearing a brown and cream chequered gown as the house wear. It was a flare gown which was quite a contrast to the straight one that I imagined it would be. 

I subtly glanced at the other girls and how thin they looked in their gown. The tiny waist was so obvious. And they looked cute.

I checked myself out and yeah, my gown was the biggest and my legs were fatter, waist was obviously wider, and yeah, just that bad.
I rolled my eyes at myself and grabbed my little bag where I put my bible and jotter in.

“Anike, are we not going together?”
Jada asked, looking so worried.

I don’t even know where the church is and even though I would prefer my privacy right now it would be better if I walk with them.

“Yeah, we are.”
I replied back and sat in my bed.

I felt the bed dip as Jada sat beside me.

“Did Jayden do anything to you yesterday? You have been acting strange ever since you got back from training. You can tell us anything Anike.”
I nodded,

“I am totally fine.”

**************

“Good Morning everyone! For those who are just seeing me, my name is  Oluwafemi James. If you are happy to be here, rise on your feet and shout Hallelujah!"

The congregation stood up and shouted Hallelujah.

The way Mercy and Jada talked about how nice the sermon is here made me anticipate it. The excited look on the other students’ faces also supported their assertions.

The young man standing on the pulpit had a nice smile and I said a quick prayer to learn and assimilate what he had to say and more importantly, his words should be a comfort to the pain in my heart. 

“Thank you. I hope we are all doing great after coming from the holidays. I see you all are looking good.”

“You too!”
A student screamed from the back, making me smile.

“Thank you, you can have your seat. Before I start preaching, I want to talk about some things that came to my attention when I was reading an article last week. 

The matter of self-esteem. A lot of teenagers seem to be going through this. A low self-esteem. I hope we all understand what I mean by low self-esteem.
 
But if you don’t let me explain further, having a low self esteem means having low respect for oneself. It means seeing yourself in a low light and in such a way that when people make a comment, it automatically brings you down. In one word it means not loving yourself enough.” 
   
Why does it feel like he is talking to me?

“I say this enough. Having a high self esteem is bliss. Damn it, I am a queen.”
Mercy said quietly and Jada nodded in agreement.

I smiled a little too when they turned to me and now, I am wondering if that was actually a smile or a grimace. When Jada raised an eyebrow, I just turned back to the pastor.

“You see the thing about low self esteem is that it brings about low growth. I remember as a child, I was really short and I loved playing football, trust me, a lot, but the other guys who I used to play with were tall, really tall and I suddenly started hating myself for being short. 

Even though the guys did not pick on me, I naturally thought because I was short, I could not play well. That was my excuse. And when they did pick on me, I would beat on myself more and more. Then I stopped playing.

Years later, I found out Messi was also short and how did he end up?”

“Best player sir!”
A boy replied.

I nodded in agreement, staying fully attentive to what he was saying and seeing the sense in it. He was right in every aspect and I could relate with everything.

“The point is, if I did not have low self esteem or to say if I did not hate my shortness, I would have continued doing what I loved. 

But my hatred for it never made me grow until I gave up. Now this is a very small example of what others face. 

you can see a natural beautiful dark young lady or even guy bleaching their skin to become fair, why? Because they hate it and naturally think it is not beautiful. And it is! and the sooner they come to that realisation and love their skin, they own it like gold.

Another example I can give is someone who is fat or slim. Now in this part, I would say when someone who is fat hates the way they are or how they look it stops a lot of things. 

First, they think they are ugly, next they stop doing some things using their weight as an excuse, then if people start commenting it becomes worse. You see once you love yourself no one can stop you. 

There is a way you will carry yourself with such an aura that people won’t even look at you that way and even if they do it does not matter.

I won’t go deeper into that because I just wanted to talk a little on the topic before going to our sermon. 

I want you guys to love every part of yourself. Place yourself in high regards. Value yourself. Every part of you. Once you love it, it becomes better, you become better, you grow and achieve goals. If you don’t it would only hold you back.

You see it is when you value yourself people will value you.

That is why you see some leaders and people respect them so much, because they have set that aura in them. They have respected themselves first, placed value on themselves and naturally people respect and value them in return.

A high self-esteem is the goal!

It is a great feeling, it makes you feel like kings and queens and when you have it, the sky is not your limit.

Who knows if I had not stopped playing football back then, maybe I would have become Nigeria's Messi?”
Laughter boomed in the church and this time I was part of those that laughed.

He is right!

He is so right that the truth literally pierces deep in me.

“What is everyone's goal?”

“High self-esteem!”

***********************

“Pastor Femi is just the best. I wish he can preach at my church too.”
Mercy said,

“True.”
I replied with a grin.

“It is good to see you back like this Anike. We were really worried.”
Jada said looking shocked that I replied Mercy.

“Yeah.”
Mercy added,

“Coming here made me feel better.”
Everything he said today was so on point and I really appreciated it.

 It was nice to see an adult that seems so concerned about teenagers and more importantly, the way he talks just makes it so easy to understand. So relatable.

I felt better after hearing that and like he said a high self-esteem is the goal.

I hope I can grow to have that with time and hopefully rock myself in such an aura just like he said.

“Mercy!”

We all turned back at the sudden call but we already knew who was calling. It was Tobi, the lover of course.

He was walking with his friends, Jayden and Jeff. 
I do not think I am ready to face him after yesterday.

I regret talking back to him like that.

He wanted to help and all he got in return was me pushing back the training. I should have kept quiet and just kept my lane.

When he glanced at me, I immediately turned to my sneakers. Staring at the little stain right at the top. I do not know how the stain got there but it made me annoyed. I felt like rubbing it off but it would be weird to just bend down now.

“Babe, happy Sunday!”
Tobi said, pulling Mercy into a hug.

I glanced at Jeff and he was smiling at Jada. 

Maybe he really likes her?

“should we go to the cafeteria? I am hungry. Mariam also said to meet her there.”
Jada said,

The cafeteria?

I am not sure I will be able to digest my food properly if we are going to eat on the same table.

“You guys should go. I need to get to the room.”

“Why?”
Jada asked immediately,

“Uhm, I am tired. I feel like sleeping.”
I rushed out an excuse and she nodded slowly.

“Oh, sorry. Will you be okay after sleeping or do you think you need drugs?”
Mercy asked,

“I will be okay after sleeping thanks.”
I walked away after saying that in the opposite direction to the room.

“I am so worried about her. I thought she said she felt better just now.”
I heard Jada speak from behind me.

Sorry for worrying about her but I can’t do it. This is the best choice.

“Smooth like butter… like a criminal undercover.”
I sang under my breath as I walked to the hostel. 

“Hey!”
A familiar voice called and held my hand.

With wide eyes like that of a fish, I watched Jayden walk to my front before dropping my hands. 

my heart was beating fast from the touch but that was not the point. What Is he doing standing in front of me?

I folded my hands when he dropped it to calm the tingles but I guess it gave him the impression that I was still angry.

“I wanted to apologise for yesterday. I shouldn’t have told you to wait. It was between us and I dragged you into it and made you listen to her rubbish.”
I was shocked to see him standing there yesterday.

I was even more shocked when he apologised like that. I was really ready to let it pass after crying my heart out in the changing room but he kept on talking about it and I just blew off.

But seeing him looking so different from the Jayden I knew as he apologised made all that pass. By the way, he looks so cute right now.

“It is fine. I overreacted too. I should not have done that, I even stopped yesterday’s training. Sorry.”
I said back.

“No, I don’t think you overreacted. And we can start the training tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”
I smiled at him for no reason and hoped he did not get weirded by that. 
Thankfully he smiled back and my heart skipped another beat.

Jayden is smiling at me.

Wow!

“By the way Anike, you are beautiful as you are. You should not let those words get to you. See you tomorrow.”

He walked away like he did not just say the most Dearing sentence to me.

No one has ever said that.

No one.

And hearing someone like Jayden say something I have not even told myself before really made me feel nice. 

I am beautiful! I know I am; my mum is beautiful and I got my looks from her.

I should not let those words Sophia and the others said get to me!

I should start loving myself.

I really should start valuing and placing myself so high too.

I can do this!

Love yourself!

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