His claws pointed like sharpened swords. I need a bleeding shield. Trust me to get a nutter of a kitten. Every chance he gets he lunges at me, whether I'm supplying food or chastising.

I am at the moment ensconced in my bathroom, terrified as the door is being speared and scratched. Held captive by a ball of fluff, how ridiculous, he hears the ping of the doorbell and he's gone for fresh meat. I dash for my bedroom and safety, whoever's at the door can fend for them selves.

It is with regret that I pen this advertisement but needs must.

CAT LOVERS ONLY

Have you got a budding gladiator ready to take on a new contestant, or are you a cat whisperer. I'm sure this little fella will be content and docile in the right hands, but we just don't get on. He's full pedigree, I have got his papers and he is yours for free, I REPEAT FREE my number is 1800 966 777 free phone. If this not agreeable I will pay you what I paid for him which is €250. P.S. He is castrated which he's probably not forgiven me for, and I should not have called him Ninja.