hi

sorry for the ten day long hiatus

things have happened

imma explain in the end wait

hh so i gathered up a bunch af drawings i made recently and decided to add them here because i feel bad for not updating

^ made this during english time

^ made this in social studies because we didn't really do much that day

^ tried drawing red hair for the first time. criticize it. please.

^ palette challenge^2 but my sister picked the palette and char (eliza hamilton)

yeet that's it 

if you don't wanna listen to me talk about boring personal stuff you can go

baii

-chip

to all the people still here, thanks. so where do i begin with this mess..

i guess you could say it's my fault, but that's for you to choose as the story goes on.

so one day, i was ready to confess to my friend that i liked her, but i didn't know how. looking back, i should've done so many things different on that day, like the way i confessed to her. 

i didn't get the chance to see her today, because my class was in a swimming seminar (another thing i should've done is get my reply slip signed so i could actually swim and not just sit on the side. at least i made a friend during it so that's fun) and it lasted until dismissal. it was a thursday that day, and as to why i remember that, i'll elaborate later, but that meant i had special filipino classes. after that my crushii/frien (i'll call her b) and my other friend (i'll call her s) went to the dismissal area. little did we know we would find all of my other friends there. my tol™ frien (we'll call her b^2) and my other pal (let's call her y). we all talked for a bit before the topic of crushes came up. we went upstairs and played a little guessing game.

quick backstory: we all have a gc together where s said that her mandarin teacher is cute. at the time, b^2 and i were online, so the topic ended up on our crushes. you have to understand that i was the only one in my friend group who is lgbt+, so imagine my surprise when b^2 told me that she was crushing on a girl. we were going to do a thing i suggested where b^2 and s ask 3 questions about my crush in an attempt to guess who it was, and s and i did the same. i explained that i wasn't ready for everyone to find out (specifically b but we can't say that now can we) so the three of us made a gc together where we did the thing. they asked their 3 questions (actually two because they found a wAY) and they fo7nd out. they seemed surprised and i was shocked because i thought i had dropped a lot of hints already. we found out who b^2's crush was in school, and i screamed like a fangirl. b came in and asked us, and i quote, " why is it when walk in one of you three is always screaming? "

long story short: b^2 and s know who i like

b a c k s t o r y  e n d s  h e r e

so eventually they found out who b^2 liked, and we went back down and they were curious about my crush (they being b and y). i told them that we should just play a game of 20 questions for that. (another one of my dumb ideas) b and y found out and 

w a r n i n g  a h e a d  f o r  m o r e  d u m b  i d e a s    t h a t   p o t e n t i a l l y  r u i n  f r i e n d s h i p s. y o u  h a v e  b e e n  w a r n e d. 

i ran

i fucking ran like the coward i was. i was about ready to run back up to the fourth floor and jump off and people would think it was because of stress for 3 tests the next day

oh nevermind. they were cancelled. all my hard work put to waste.

t h e  n e x t  d a y 

people started saying stuff the next day, and i was worried. i could tell something was wrong. a conversation went through in my mind

the school finally sees how stressed we are.

no.. something's off.. they wouldn't cancel everything.

so i resorted to instagram, where i asked people what happened. someone told me what happened while i was at the seminar yesterday 

you don't know? someone tried to jump off the fourth floor. 6:45 am. yesterday. the teachers cancelled everything today because they saw how stressed we are.

i realized that it was something i had been oh so tempted to do yesterday, and i pitied the girl who had tried to jump (oh yeah,, it's an all girls school) because of so many things.

and on that day, i already knew and accepted that b wasn't going to talk to me. i had already told her not to get mad once the answer is revealed, but she didn't get mad, just really awkward.

o n e  m o n t h  l a t e r

things happened (religious stuff i won't mention in case anyone is religious af) and y left the group. now we were only three.

another month later

we still haven't talked yet, but at some point, i start to judge myself a lot. normally, i think "oof i'm ugly", but now i can't stop looking at myself and pointing out the flaws

"you should get thinner"

"starve yourself and you can survive"

"what are jawlines"

"be more like b"

"be more like s"

one day.. i just stopped eating. i forced myself to eat dinner, but every other time, i just wouldn't eat. i had no appetite. 

around the same time, i learned that s had anorexia and depression.

she starved herself so much, that one time, she texted that she had stomach ache, and she weighed 48kg (i want to weigh 48 kg smh)

she was hospitalized the next day.

she starved herself so bad that she had to go to the hospital.

idk how long later, but god it felt like forever

she kept on texting us, but she went to school today. we hugged her and so many things happened. she ended up being diagnosed with so many things (one of them being the worst depression possible), but other than that, we thought it would be normal. (oh cruel world why must thou bring pain upon us)

one day, b^2 and i went to get a snack in the cafeteria, so we left our bags somewhere. )fun fact: that's where all 5 of us used to hang out) when we got back, b^2 got her notebook to look for something, and stopped on the last page. i went to look and it and it read

meet me here at the salo-salo 

-pottasium

(bit of background for my other internet people, salo-salo is basically a bunch of people getting food) now at this point we figured out that it was y because other than the handwriting, she's the only one with the guts to grab someone's notebook and write that. the salo-salo is tomorrow, so she had no choice but to be there

i was absent the next day, but she ended up apologizing and stuff

some other day later idk prolly a few weeks later

so i went to go get some food because i had been talked out of starving myself like i idiot i am, and came back to be greeted by a bunch of people huggin. a t this point, i didn't mind anyone. i just needed to see..

fuck she's here. shit she saw me. oh god i am not talking to b again. 

i ended up hiding in the bathroom.

also i think i forgot to mention that at this point i'm suicidal but i haven't been diagnosed with depression so ha

give or take another month later

at this point, i would hold a cutter wherever i go. i remember talking to s in the hallway when this happened (italicized=me, underlined=s)

lmao yeah. also b is coming

i'm guessing she's running to you and waiting for me to leave. *takes out cutter*

yeah

*we keep on talking*

imma move so b can talk to you.

i went over to b^2's classroom as sofia was tackled with a hug. according to her, she was complimenting her hair, but wouldn't stop staring at me.

present day mderfuckas

s continued to starve herself, but only occasionally. one day, she sent us a tu telling us about abdominal pain

you know what happens next. that's right.

h o s p i t a l

except this time, she was diagnosed with appendicitis. there was literal shit stored in her appendix, and they had to take it out (the appendix i mean)

basically, she had to undergo surgery.

she's okay now, but the day before we texted each other. i was as scared as her. as suicidal as she was (oh yeah she's also suicidal.. she had a plan to jump off the 4th floor on monday (which i planned to foil huehuehuehuehue), but that ended quickly as she was hospitalized), we were scared for her. we wanted her to live so badly. i wanted her to wake up and feel no pain. what i would give to exchange her life for mine. 

like i said, she's okay now, but things happened to her

1) absent for a week

2) can only occasionally eat oily or sugary foods

3) pain.

for number one, i don't think she has a problem missing all 5 days of classes, but i miss her, and she misses b^2 (as much as i would like to believe she cares about me, that's a bit much). number two sucks because she lives on milk tea. she'll be broken for the rest of the day if she doesn't drink it (and like, how do you stay thin through all that) and number three.. s would be texting us normally, and suddenly feel so much pain. she send two texts about the pain and immediately goes offline to deal with it, but i'm worried sick for her.

i think by now you can see why i don't like talking about how sad and anxious i am when s has to go through so much more

can y'all please pray for her (i mean if you don't do that then you don't have to just support) and i'm just hoping she'll get better

welp i have to go. this chapter is long enough as it is.

baii

-chip

ps. if you made it till the end, i congratulate you for having nothing do therefore deciding to read some personal bullshit.