Is it just me?

I don't ever remember a time when we had so many drug ads on television as we have today.

Maybe other major markets are not experiencing this but here in the US, whenever you turn the tv on you are inundated with commercials about plaque psoriasis, benign prostate hypertrophy, atrial fibrillation and the list goes on and on.

I mean, which of us watching Lester Holt on the six thirty news jumps up and says, "That reminds me, I have to go order my $4500 Humira pen for next month."

Ever notice how slick the delivery is? At the same time we are watching a loving family having a picnic on a beautiful sunny day the announcer whispers in double time

donottakethisdrugifyourareallergictoitorcannotpaythousandspermonth.Deathandothernastysideeffectsarelikelybutwecannotbeheldresponsiblebecausewewarnedyou.

And they end with "Ask your doctor if xyz would be right for you."

The scary part is that I think I have most of the symptoms they describe on those commercials. So I went to my doctor. I went prepared. For the last week I have been recording my most worrisome symptoms.

For example,  I have been getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Yesterday when I came up the stairs I had to stop and catch my breath. After a couple of times up and down the stairs my knees ache. I find myself stopping mid sentence as I try to think of the word I want. I told him I was worried that I might have a tv disease.

Dr H. very patiently listened to me, reviewed my charts and my recent blood tests, listened to my chest and sat back down. "Well, I think I know what is going on."

"What is it Doctor?" I asked with a tremor in my voice. "Do I have BPH? COPD? ADHD? IBS? RA, ALS, DSPS?" I rattled off a few more of the ailments that the drug companies commonly use.

Doc laid a hand on my knee to calm me down. Or maybe just to stop the flow of acronyms.

"Tom, you have Advanced Geriatrical Essentia."

I knew it. My worst fears confirmed. "What..." I had to clear my throat and start again. "What can I expect will happen next?"

"Well, you are just not going to bounce back from things like you did in your twenties. It will take a little longer to catch your breath after the stairs. Your memory is fine. It takes a little longer to think of a word because you have so many stored there. Your knees ache a bit because you have been using them for seventy years without so much as an oil change.  These are all normal conditions that you can expect with AGE. Drink plenty of water, get your eight solid at night and you will be fine."

I was so relieved to have a diagnosis that I forgot all about a Starbucks latte and went right home. "I have AGE," I told my wife.

"You big dope. I love you."