Badgerbane poked his head into the nursery. "Aspenleaf?" he murmured. "I... I brought you some freshkill... thought you might be hungry..."

Aspenleaf turned her head away from him. She hadn't spoken to anyone since Shadowstep's death two moons ago. The kits were getting bigger but she just didn't have the energy, nor the motivation to look after them these days. Every so often, they would creep out so as not to disturb her and she would hear Dryrose, Icemask and Robinblaze taking care of them just outside the nursery entrance, but she found she didn't care anymore. From time to time, she heard Blackheart and Tigerfang out there teaching the two little toms hunting crouches and basic battle moves, nothing that would get them hurt while learning, but challenging enough.

Dryrose had been taking care of Dizzykit as much as she could. The little she-kit was still not getting better. Her eyes were still misaligned and she still staggered dramatically when she walked. She often heard Dryrose trying to show her how to walk normally but it was evident from what she heard that she was not succeeding.

Badgerbane put down the vole before her. "Are you just going to sit in here for the rest of your life?"

She shrugged. "Perhaps." She mumbled. "Everyone else seems to be able to take care of my kits better than I can... they'd be better off without me... I couldn't keep them safe... I was a terrible enough parent that I got their father..."She closed her eyes. "I can't do this without him..."

Badgerbane moved forward and sat before her. "We all miss him, Aspenleaf... but he'd want us to..."

"Don't..." she said quietly. "You don't know what he would have wanted... we didn't think about this sort of thing... he was..." she closed her eyes. "He was meant to grow old with me." She whispered. "We were meant to have more kits. We were meant to have a long... long happy life together."

He gave a small sigh. "He was so full of life..." he agreed. "Of all of us, I never would have thought..."

Aspenleaf didn't look up. She had spent a lot of her time sleeping over the last two moons. She kept hoping she'd stumble her way to Starclan the way she had when they had almost lost Icemask, but it never happened. Her thoughts often erred on the side of pessimistic. What if he wasn't in Starclan? He had been a loner before joining the clans. Would he be there? She tried to tell herself that of course he would be there. He had committed to the clans and to her whole-heartedly... but how could she be certain?

Badgerbane looked sad for a moment, then he perked his ears up, a look of fierce determination crossing his features. "You know I told you my mother lost a litter before she had me and my sisters?" he murmured

She raised her head to look at him. "Yes?"

"She fell into a deep depression afterwards, as is to be expected... but Blackfang said to her 'the way I see it, you have two options. You can wallow away your life in misery, or you can get up, and you can fight. The choice is yours. So, what's it going to be?'" He paused and looked firmly at Aspenleaf. "Well?"

She gazed back at him for a long moment before very slowly getting to her feet. Though she didn't feel in her heart of hearts like it was worth continuing with her life without him, she also knew Badgerbane was right. Shadowstep wasn't there to live her life with her, but he had left her with three beautiful kits. In spite of her feeling like her stomach was full of moss, she forced herself to eat the mouse Badgerbane had placed before her. When she'd finished she looked up at him, swiping her tongue around her mouth. He gave a small nod of approval before turning toward the entrance of the nursery. She stepped out into the bright leaf-bare light, wincing a little. Nearby, Blackheart and Tigerfang were play training Honeykit and Ravenkit while Robinblaze and Dryrose were gently playing with Dizzykit.

For a moment, no-one noticed her. Then Dizzykit looked up. "Mama!" she squealed in delight jumping up and stumbling towards her, paws struggling to walk in a straight line.

Ravenkit looked up and dashed towards his mother, winding around her as he reached her, purring loudly. Honeykit glanced up for a second before lowering his gaze again, focusing hard on his crouch as Tigerfang directed him.

"We missed you." Ravenkit told her, standing on his hind legs to try to rub his muzzle against hers.

Aspenleaf's heart ached and she lowered her head to his, rubbing her muzzle against his cheek. "I know, my darling. I'm sorry." she murmured. Dizzykit finally reached her and plopped her rump down, still wobbling a little. She lifted her head towards Aspenleaf's trying to nuzzle her. Aspenleaf rasped her tongue over the silver kit's ears. "I'm so sorry..." she repeated.

Dryrose was watching Aspenleaf a little nervously. After a moment, she looked away, looking ashamed. Robinblaze glanced at the grey she-cat for a second before getting up and walking towards Aspenleaf. "Would you speak to Dryrose please?" he whispered. "She's not been the same since..."

Aspenleaf stared at him for a second before looking at Dryrose. She seemed thin, her normally thick fur seemed almost ragged and too big for her body. She wondered what was bothering the she-cat so much. She gave a short nod. "Watch the kits for me for a moment?" she said softly.

He nodded before gently nudging the kits away. Dizzykit looked a little affronted, but Ravenkit seemed to understand and scampered back to where Blackheart was waiting for him.

Aspenleaf turned her gaze toward Dryrose before getting to her paws and walking towards her. Dryrose raised her gaze for a second before lowering her face again, as though desperately hoping Aspenleaf wouldn't speak to her. She drew to a halt before her friend and simply stared at her. "Dryrose?"

The other she-cat did not look up. "I'm sorry." she squeaked.

Aspenleaf just continued to stare at her. Why was she apologising. "What?"

Dryrose dropped to the floor, head on her paws, looking utterly miserable. "I know why you're here." she moaned. "It's my fault. It was all my fault. I... I am so, so sorry."

Aspenleaf sat down, feeling a little bewildered. "Why would I blame you for what happened?" she asked quietly.

"Because I was meant to be watching the kits." she whimpered, burying her face in her paws. "If I had just kept watching them until you came back... he... he wouldn't..." she trailed off, simply making a low moaning sound.

Aspenleaf's eyes widened. "Dryrose..." she said softly resting her plumed tail over the smaller she cat's back. "It was a horrible... horrible accident." She gently rasped her tongue over her friend's ears. "You weren't to know what would happen..."

Dryrose shook her head a little, giving a soft sob. "I shouldn't have told them that story. It's... it's all my fault..."

Badgerbane had padded forward, looking a little concerned. "If kits tried to act out every story they'd ever heard, we'd have no kits left." he grumbled.

Aspenleaf gave a nod. "It was good you remembered why they might have left camp... we might have been too late..."

Slowly her sobs quieted and she looked back up at them. "You...you're really not mad at me?"

Aspenleaf shook her head. "I... blame myself more..." she said quietly, looking towards the kits. "He was so proud of them... he wanted to see them grow up... it all feels so unfair..."

A few tail lengths away, Honeykit's ears pricked a little, as had Tigerfang's. They were obviously listening to the conversation, but Dryrose hadn't noticed. "Well he still can see. He'll be watching them from Starclan." Aspenleaf gave a slight nod.

"It's not the same!" squeaked a tiny voice. Aspenleaf turned to look at Honeykit as he approached Dryrose, fur fluffing up. "If Dizzykit had just been able to get out of the way, he'd still be here." He glared at her. "Why did you tell us that story?" he muttered. "Why did Ravenkit suggest we do it? If you hadn't told us, he might still be here."

Dryrose flinched as though his words were cutting her to her core. "I... I'm sorry."

Tigerfang stepped forward, reached out and cuffed him over the ear, not hard but hard enough to make him stop speaking. "That's enough." he snarled. "It is the way it is."

Aspenleaf sat trembling a little as Honeykit glared at Tigerfang. "What do you know? You didn't lose your father because of someone else!"

Though he didn't react, Aspenleaf thought she could see anger and sadness in her old mentor's eye. "I said that's enough." He growled. "He died protecting his family and you blaming everyone and making everyone unhappy isn't going to change that."

Honeykit turned his glare on Dizzykit. "He died because of her!"

Aspenleaf gave a small gasp, ready to defend her smallest kit who was cowering away from her brother. "Honeykit!" she mewed sternly. "She's your sister, you should be looking out for her!"

He flattened his ears. "Why should I? She can't give anything to the clan. How can she be a warrior when she can't even stand still? It's her fault he had to try to stop the monster. If she could have moved better he'd be alive." His hackles rose, and his voice grew to a squeaky snarl. "I know he was a great father and he died to protect one of us, but he shouldn't have had to! Now because of her, we don't have him anymore. Don't you understand?"

Before anyone could say another word, Tigerfang plucked up the angered kit by the scruff and strode away toward the nursery, Honeykit, protesting vehemently the entire time. Dizzykit had lowered her head, whimpering a little while Ravenkit rasped his tongue over her ears, trying to comfort her. Dryrose was standing shaking a little, still rocked from Honeykit's words. Robinblaze was standing close to her, murmuring quietly to her. Aspenleaf gave a small sigh before turning toward the nursery and following where Tigerfang had taken her son.

As she reached the entrance and peeked in, she saw that Tigerfang had deposited Honeykit into the nest and was sat gazing down at him, anger still evident in his eye. "What was that?" he growled.

Honeykit's hackles rose, his fur fluffing out angrily. "I don't want to forgive her." he squeaked. "Either of them. If Dryrose hadn't told the story... if Dizzykit hadn't..."

"So, you're going to be angry with them forever?" Tigerfang asked simply. "I find hatred takes a lot of energy..."

Honeykit didn't answer, just wrapped his fluffy tail over his paws, scowling at the floor. "I... miss him..." he admitted at last.

"I know..." Tigerfang said quietly. "We all miss your father... but you cannot act like the only cat to have ever lost someone." Tigerfang glanced around for a second as though making sure they were alone. Aspenleaf drew back from the entrance, but waited outside, listening. "Your mother for example. She had four siblings and lost them all in one night in a fire. I am of the opinion she lost her mother that night too, she was seldom treated kindly by her again... she has come close to losing her friends on several occasions... she lost the tom she loved the same time you lost your father... that may not mean much to you now, but one day, it might make sense."

"What about you?" Honeykit asked, and Aspenleaf could sense Tigerfang tensing. "Have you ever... y'know..."

For a long time, Tigerfang was silent, as though the question had touched something he dared not speak of. Finally, he simply said one word. "Yes."

"Who?" Honeykit asked.

Aspenleaf was about to step into the nursery and tell the kit to stop speaking, but Tigerfang answered. "Many." he said quietly. "I never knew my father. I lost my mother... and my mate and kits..."

Aspenleaf froze. Tigerfang had had a mate? And kits? How had she never known this? She peered into the den, and although it was dark, she could see pain in the way Tigerfang sat. Ordinarily, he would sit tall, to attention as though awaiting his orders. Now his head was hung, his paws barely seeming to be able to hold him up. "What happened?" she asked softly, padding into the den.

Tigerfang looked up sharply. "How long have you been there?" he asked.

"Long enough." she said sitting beside him. "I didn't know about..."

He seemed to hesitate for a long moment then gave a sigh. "She was Silverstar's sister." he said as though it were a confession.

Aspenleaf simply stared at him. "I didn't know she..."

"No..." he murmured. "Her way of dealing with Stormwind's death was... to pretend she never existed at all..." He took a deep breath. "She had just found she was expecting my kits when she... she was killed in a Windclan attack."

Honeykit was staring at him. "Why didn't you defend her?" Aspenleaf wished she could control what her son said. 

Tigerfang turned his empty eye socket on the kit. "I did." he said in a low voice. "The problem with Stormwind was... she wanted to protect me as much as I wanted to defend her..."

Aspenleaf gave a small nod. She could almost see it in her mind's eye. Tigerfang fighting cats away from Stormwind, urging her to run when a claw caught his eye, other claws ripping at his fur and chest until he couldn't stand... and as the other cats closed in, she leapt in front of him. She could almost feel his anguish as the Windclan warrior's teeth met in her throat and he saw her fall. She could almost feel his desperation as he crawled towards her and pleaded with Starclan not to take her... she felt her hackles rise as she imagined the air splitting with his wail as he realised she was gone...

She blinked and stared at Tigerfang as he gave a small shiver and looked back at Honeykit. "So as I said... perhaps acting with sympathy rather than hatred would lead to an all in all more peaceful life."

Honeykit simply blinked at the older cat for a few moments before he scrambled from the nest, padded forward and leaned against the tom's leg as though trying to comfort him. Tigerfang looked taken aback, almost flinching away. "I... would really like you to be my mentor..." the kit said quietly.

Tigerfang blinked, then turned to look at Aspenleaf with a slight smile. "Intelligent, a certain courage... definitely your son..."

"Loud though... like Shadowstep." she purred.

He shook his head. "Inquisitive and enthusiastic like Shadowstep." he corrected. "While I don't pretend to like kits... I'm certainly not one to back down from a challenge." he looked back at Honeykit. "I'll speak to Silverstar." he promised.

Honeykit's eyes brightened. He began speaking excitedly to Tigerfang, but Aspenleaf had turned away to pad back out into the camp. She looked around for the others. Dryrose had drawn Dizzykit to her and was grooming her gently while Robinblaze and Badgerbane attempted to distract Ravenkit. Aspenleaf couldn't help but give a little sigh as she padded towards them. She still felt a pang seeing them all trying to be happy despite it being so evident something was missing. She wished she could explain that side of it to Honeykit... that despite the seasons moving forward, life continuing, and time slowly making the pain easier to deal with, the feeling of loss never quite abated.

Aspenleaf the Mother by Meadow Leon Flower

Sorry for so long between chapters, life has been uh... eventful to say the least. To be honest, might be a while before the next one too but I'll do my best to get it out as soon as possible.

As always

Dryrose and Stormwind belong to Meadow Leon Flower

Badgerbane belongs to Nick Mullen