I'm not like her

I cannot reach out to people

and ask for help

so boldly

unless I need it.

I'm envious of her ability to ask

you

anytime she needs to.

But I don't do that because

not only do I keep to myself

but also because of

the fact that

there's a godforsaken history on the ground

we stand on.

I am not like her,

and it upsets me.

We are two different people; she and I

but we are also 

one in the same.

Yet, why do I feel like nothing but 

a speck of dust

to you

while she seems to absorb every ounce

of your attention?

Why

does she have the ability to cause you

to do things

you wouldn't do with me?

The sensation,

the feeling of being replaced

crawls at my insides

clouds my vision

and leaves me stranded in a state of

desperation.

But

who am I to act on such emotions?

Who am I 

to even

express it?

Why am I...

nothing?

Months upon months 

keep piling and piling

and they forever and always

will.

But this dreaded feeling,

at the bottom of my eyes

at the center of my throat

at the core of my soul

never leaves me be.

I wish I could start over

but it's as if 

a form, a spirit...

something,

is stopping me from doing so.

I'm tied down by life's chains,

unable to move, unable to free myself

from his eyes,

from this bed,

from this place

and from the feeling of helplessness 

and depression.

I wish I could get away.