My mother and I walked outside, closing the door behind us.

I leaned on the railing, crossing my arms. "What do you want?"

"Is that any way to talk to me? I am your mother."

I scoffed. "Barely." She opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off with a glare. "What do you want, mom? Just spit it out, I'm exhausted."

"I want you to come with Paul and I next weekend to Portland. It'll be a fun trip," she said, her eyes soft. "We've already booked the hotel and Augustus will be there too."

"Mom-"

"I know you've missed him and it would give you both time to catch up. We can go to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Maybe see a movie."

I stared at her, sighing. I didn't give two shits about the woman in front of me, but my little brother? Yeah, I'd do anything for him.

"I'll think about it." I wanted to see my brother. I hadn't seen him in almost a month. Without another word, I turned and went back inside. Carter and Molly had gone to their room. Kaiden was talking with Paul.

"Paul, honey?" My mom peered through the door behind me. "We should get going, we're having dinner with the Davidson's, remember?"

Paul chuckled. "Right, I forgot," he said, shaking his head, eyes locking on mine when as he stalked toward me. "Ember, I am happy to see you out. Stay out of trouble."

He reached out and squeezed my arm, a little too tight. I clenched my jaw, glaring at him. Once he left, I locked the door and took a deep breath in.

"What did mom want?" Kaiden asked, leaning against the counter.

"She wants me to go to Portland with them. I'm going, because I need to look out for Augustus," I said. "Don't worry, I'll contact my probations officer, Deena."

Kaiden looked unsure but eventually relented. I yawned. "I'm going for a nap."

"Hey, you need to take your afternoon meds," Kaiden yelled, shaking my daily pill box. I groaned but went back. "Please don't forget them, Em."

"I won't, Kaiden."

"Dinner will be in a few hours. Lennox is bringing Chinese."

I disappeared up the steps, grabbing Betty from the back of the sofa, and headed upstairs. I collapsed into the heap of blankets and Betty curled up beside me.

I squeezed my eyes shut but sleep didn't come.

I woke up, the world bright, the colours of the room bleeding together. I felt .. good - no, great - for the first time in weeks. And yet, there was a hint of a crushing, deep sadness in my chest, lying underneath the rush of energy. I found my favourite shirt and pants, brushing my hair with an enthusiasm I hadn't had in weeks.

"Ember, hurry up!" Elliot called. "If you're late again, you're going to get detention and I'm not covering for you for a third time."

I rolled my eyes but grabbed my backpack and started down the stairs.

"Hey, are you okay?" Elliot asked, glancing at me. I nodded, climbing into the passengers seat.

"I'm great."

"You're in a manic episode."

"No, I'm feeling great, that's all."

"Mhm. I think you should call Kaiden. Get him to give you a mental health day or something. It's Friday anyway."

"Ellie, I'm okay," I said, laughing. "I swear."

"Okay, fine. You need to call me if you're going to do anything reckless."

"I cross my heart and hope to die."

He gave me a weird glance. We pulled up the Benjamin High. "Em, call me if you need anything."

Classes were horrible. I couldn't focus, my knee bouncing. The words on the board blurred together, the voices around me turning into an indistinct hum, like static on a broken radio. My head ached from the fluorescent lights, from the pressure behind my eyes, from everything.

Too loud. Too bright. Too much.

The walls of the classroom felt like they were closing in, squeezing the air from my lungs. I dug my nails into my palm, grounding myself in the sharp bite of pain. It didn't work. Nothing did. The sadness twisted inside me like barbed wire, and I was unraveling, piece by piece, in front of everyone.

When bell rang, I shot up from my seat, barely hearing the teacher calling my name as I pushed through the crowd, my pulse hammering in my ears. I needed air. Space. Anything but this suffocating, spinning world that felt like it was collapsing under my feet.

The hallway stretched endlessly, an endless tunnel of movement and noise. Lockers slamming. Laughter. Shouts. The chaos of it made my stomach churn. I clutched my bag tighter, trying to steady myself, but my hands were trembling.

I made it outside. Cold air burned my lungs as I inhaled too quickly, stumbling toward the parking lot. My vision swam, black dots creeping in at the edges. I leaned against the nearest car, squeezing my eyes shut.

I needed to run. To escape. To disappear. The world tilted, and I didn't know if I was falling or floating. I found myself wandering down different streets, my mind racing.

It must have been hours later when Kaiden's face lit up my phone screen. I answered, though I didn't want to.

"Where are you?" He asked, his voice cracking with worry.

"I'm safe," I said, dodging the question. "I'm just hanging out with friends."

"Where are you? You missed your therapy session. You haven't been answering your phone. Lennox and Elliot are out looking for you now. Tell me where you are, Em. Now."

"I'll be home later."

"No, come home now."

"I'm fine. I ... have to go. See you later."

"Ember, don't you dare-"

I hung up.

Kaiden called right back but I ignored him, turning the tracking app off my phone. If I went home now, they'd lecture me. I didn't want to be lectured. I needed to be free, to be happy while I can.

A group text went out among my friends. "There's a party tonight at Ethan Baker's."

That's exactly what I needed. I walked and walked and walked until finally, I reached Ethan's house. The music from the party pulsed through my body as I walked up the driveway, my fingers buzzing with anticipation. Laughter and music spilled out onto the front lawn, groups of people already drunk, already weightless. This was it. This was exactly what I needed.

I pushed through the door, greeted by warmth, flashing lights, and the sweet, dizzying smell of alcohol. The world shimmered around me - brighter, sharper, more alive than it had been in weeks.

The bass pounded against my ribs, rattling in my chest, like my heart was syncing to the beat, too fast, too wild, too much. Neon lights flashed in jagged bursts, illuminating the faces around me in flickering red, blue, violet. The party was packed, bodies moving, drinks spilling, voices rising over the music but it wasn't enough.

None of it was enough.

I gripped the edge of the counter, pressing my nails into the wood, trying to ground myself, but the energy inside me was relentless. My hands shook, my skin burned, my thoughts, sharp, electric, endless, crashed into each other at a speed I couldn't control.

Move. Move. Move.

I couldn't sit still. I couldn't slow down.

I needed more.

I tossed back the last of my drink, the burn barely registering, and turned, scanning the room, searching for something, anything that could match the wildfire in my veins.

Then...Tate.

His gaze cut through the chaos, locking onto me with the same sharp, assessing look he always had when he thought I was about to do something stupid.

"Ember," he said, voice low, steady. "You good?"

A grin stretched across my lips—too wide, too bright, too sharp. "I'm great," I said and he shook his head.

"I really think you need to sit down."

"No, no," I laughed, waving him off. "I'm great."

"Emmy-"

"I am great, Tate."

And I was.

I turned and walked out. The night air hit sharp and cold, but it didn't slow me down. I felt invincible. Like nothing in the world could touch me.

But I needed more.

My fingers twitched. My thoughts spun. I needed to do something - something big, something fast, something real.

I looked around, my eyes locking on a car idling by the curb. Door cracked open. Driver distracted outside his car with a cute girl. I hurried up to the car, the driver too busy flirting to realize anything.

Perfect.

The moment I slid into the driver's seat, everything snapped into focus.

The engine roared.

My foot slammed the gas.

The tires screamed against the pavement. The car lurched forward, launching me into the night.

And for the first time in hours—maybe days I felt in control.

Then sirens behind me began to wail.
A laugh bubbled up in my chest, a rush of euphoria smothering any fear. I pressed harder on the gas.

Eighty.

Ninety.

A hundred.

The city blurred around me. Streetlights streaked past, headlights flashed in my peripheral vision. The wind howled through the open window, stinging my skin, filling my lungs.

This was what I needed.

Not the party. Not the drinks. This.

Pure, unfiltered freedom.

Flashing red-and-blue lights appeared behind me. The sirens screamed as more police joined.

I yanked the wheel left, cutting through an intersection. A horn blared. A truck skidded, barely missing me.

Faster. Keep going. Don't stop.

A roadblock loomed ahead as police tried to trap me.

Not a chance.

I spotted an alleyway. Narrow. Sharp. Just big enough.

I could make it.

I would make it.

I didn't hesitate.

I twisted the wheel.

Metal screeched.

The force whipped me forward.

The windshield shattered.

Another hit and my side slammed into something solid.

The airbags exploded. My breath vanished. My body lurched.

Everything tilted. Spun. Crashed.

There was a deafening silence and for a moment, I didn't move.

Didn't breathe.

The world was static. Blurred. Ringing.

Then, I sucked in a breath, sharp, gasping inhale, and the pain hit all at once.

Burning rubber. Gasoline. Blood in my mouth.

The sirens grew closer. Lights flashed through the shattered windshield.

My hands trembled. My head pounded. The high was gone.

The door wrenched open.

Hands grabbed me, yanking me out, forcing me to the pavement. Someone was shouting–my name, maybe. I couldn't tell.

Metal cuffs clicked around my wrists.

I blinked up at the sky, the bright lights of the police cruisers flashing against my eyes, and exhaled slowly, before consumed by darkness.

+++

Mr. Jenkins rattled about electromagnetism, "which can be broken down into two major components: electricity and magnetism, .." I zoned out, staring out the window, fidgeting with the strings of my hoodie.

I had four classes to go and I felt exhausted already. I didn't want to come today, but Kaiden had threatened to use force to get me here. I liked school – no, wait, I take that back. I loved learning. I hated classroom politics, the drama, the social hierarchy.

I didn't have the patience for it.

"Ember, can you hang back for a moment?" Mr. Jenkins and I did, adjusting the strap on my backpack.

"I received your grades from Clearwater. You did exceptionally well, and I wanted you to know I am here if you need anything," he said, offering a small smile.

"Thank you, Mr. Jenkins," I said softly, and I meant it. He had testified in court on my behalf. I ended up taking a plea deal. "I better go, I have Ms. Winston next for pre-calculus. She'll have my head if I'm late."

He laughed. "See you tomorrow Ember, stay out of trouble."

"I'll try, no promises," I said grinning and waved as I left the classroom. When lunch time arrived, I'd been seriously thinking about ditching. Every stare and whisper dug into my bones.

"She just got out of prison," someone whispered.

"Her family should have kept her locked up."

"She's a fucking psycho," another girl whispered and I turned around, glaring at the her.

"Call me psycho one more time, I dare you," I hissed.

The girl smirked. "Psycho."

I lunged forward but arms encircled my waist before I could land a blow. "Easy, trouble, it's just me," Tate murmured, his breath hot on my ear.

He pulled me away and I huffed, shoving him away from me. "Leave me alone," I muttered, but he matched my stride. I made it to my locker, fumbling with the lock.

"I take it your first day back isn't going well?"

"It's fine," I muttered, finally unlocking the locker, and started switching my books out. Tate didn't leave, leaning against the locker, watching the students as they walked by.

"Mhm. That's why you almost broke that girls nose ... because you're totally "fine"."

"I am."

He sighed. "Okay ... how are your classes so far?"

"Why do you care?" I asked, slamming my locker shut again, facing Tate.

He smiled. "We're friends."

"No, we're not," I said, shaking my head. We were more than friends years ago - we were best friends. I thought about what Molly said, to stay away from him. "Thanks for reining me in, sometimes I get carried away."

He snorted. "Sometimes?"

"She would've deserved it."

"She's not worth breaking probation for though."

"No. I suppose I have to work on my impulse control too," I muttered, shaking my head. "I have to go, get a head start on class readings."

"What's your next class?"

"AP English."

"Great, me too. We can walk together."

"Oh, fantastic."

+++

Tate liked to talk a lot.

About everything.

He caught me up on the politics of Saint Owens High, even though I didn't ask. I would never admit it but I appreciated his company. For the first time all day, I didn't feel alone. I didn't have any friends - they abandoned me when I was sentenced to Clearwater.

"Karly transferred to Oakley High," Tate explained, pretending to read the assigned book, All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. Karly and I had been friends in middle school, but Tate and I had been childhood friends. We went to kindergarten together. Our mothers were pregnant together.

"What about Madeline Lyme?" I mumbled, flipping my notebook and continuing to write about the book.

"She's dating Elijah Pierce."

I looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Really?"

Elijah Pierce was a total knob.

"I never imagined she'd end up with him. Anyway, tell me about you."

"We're supposed to be reading, Tate."

"Oh, its okay. I've already watched the tv series."

"Not the point."

"Please be quiet," Mrs. Clarke snapped. She was young, maybe mid twenties, her blonde hair tied back in a tight bun. Tate stayed silent for a few minutes and I flipped through to my favourite passage.

"Why aren't you reading, Miss Hawthorne?" Mrs. Clarke asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "I've given the next half hour for people to catch up, not chat."

"I already read the book."

"You can get a head start on the homework essay then," she said, fetching a piece of paper on her desk, striding down the isle, her heels clicking on the tiles. "No more talking or I'll give you after school detention."

"Yes, I understand," I said, nodding, taking the sheet of paper from her. I read the instructions: pick one essay topic and write 1,250 words, due next Thursday. I choose the question Who deserves our sympathy in All the Light We Cannot See and why? and started writing.

"Did you actually read the book?"

"Yes. I covered this and a few others on the syllabus at Clearwater."

"Oh, good, guess you have a head start." Tate studied me for a few more moments before looking down as his book.

"Why .. why did we stop being friends?" He asked after a few minutes. "I wrote to you, and you never wrote back."

I winced, knowing the exact reason. "I don't know, Tate," I lied, my eyes stinging. I knew exactly why.

The lights were dim and I stayed awake, watching the shadow underneath the door. I swallowed and I glanced over at Tate. He snored loudly, like a chainsaw.

The door creaked open and Russell entered, walking up to my bed. He seemed surprised I was awake. "Emmy, why aren't you asleep yet?" He asked, sitting on the edge of my bed. He leaned over me, reaching up and brushing a strand of hair from my face. "You're so pretty, you know?"

His hand traveled down to my stomach and I tensed. "I wanna go home," my thirteen year old self whispered.

"Shh, it'll be okay."

I suddenly couldn't breathe but Russell didn't notice.. or he didn't care. I glanced at Tate, but Russell chuckled.

"Don't worry about him. Close your eyes. I won't hurt you."

I shook my head ... he chuckled, his smile turning cruel. "Close your eyes and don't make a sound ... or I'll hurt Tate."

"Hey, Em," Tate said softly, crouching in front of me. "Class ended two minutes ago." I glanced around, the classroom empty.

"Oh, uh, yeah.." I chuckled, slightly dazed. I felt really ... off. I hadn't thought about that day for a long, long time.

"Are you okay?" He asked and I nodded, standing, the chair almost flipping backwards. I gathered my book and notebooks and shoved them into my backpack. "Ember - are you okay?"

"I'm fi- okay. I'm okay."

"You're not-"

"I'm okay, Tate," I snapped and hurried out of the classroom and put distance between us. Russell Sutherland did unspeakable things to me, but that night had been the first I'd known about it. For years, I'd been sleeping under his roof, and for years, he -

I shook my head, swallowing the bile that rose. I ditched the rest of my afternoon classes, unable to focus. Walking outside, I kept my head down but it didn't stop anyone from recognizing me.

"Ember," Tate called somewhere behind me. I stopped, turned, my heart tightening at the smile on his lips. "Skipping, really? It's your first day back."

I shrugged and kept walking towards the gates. "I'm a rebel, what can I say?"

"More like a menace to society."

I smacked his shoulder and he laughed.

+++

– thank you so much for reading.
Ember has bipolar II disorder and she had a hypomania episode which is what lead her to arrest and charges. I don't experience the disorder but I want to make her experiences as realistic as possible.
Charlie 🧡