Fa'iza Mubarak Hakimi.

I think I might be going crazy. I'm supposed to know for sure if I am or I am not going crazy, considering I am a psychologist but not even Prof told us about anything similar to what I have been experiencing for the past less than forty eight hours.

How can I suddenly have a wet dream over a man I met just yesterday? I have known him for a long time yes, but I haven't really known him quite yet. I sound so stupid, ya Allah!

I have read a lot of smutty books. Dark romance? I'm there. Innocent slow burn? I'm there. Slow romance? I'm there. Punishing heated you know what? I'm there. Heck shy type of smut that doesn't include the nonsense that is in The Perfect Poo, I'm there. And not even once have I even felt too slick. Maybe a little moisture but anything other than that has never happened.

I can read smut with a straight face and without squirming, that's how much unaffected I am by them. And even though I have like a gazillion book boyfriends, I have never even thought about them in anyway before. Just that they are hot and romantic and you know the other word, but never in a twisted way.

And yesterday, after helping Ummi serve her wicked brother in laws and praying Maghrib and Isha together —Allah forgive me —, I went to sleep. And I swear all night, I was having dreams with Kay Bee doing unsayables. And to make it worse, when I woke up, I had to change my bedsheets. Thinking about the fact that I had to wash my sheets in the early hours after Subh because of a dream is really embarrassing.

"Fa'iza! Bring those spices here." I am snapped out of my thoughts by Ummi's voice from the backyard. She's supervising Mary and Sala frying the chicken for the tambaya. I didn't know tambaya took a lot of strength until today. I have been up and on my feet since 9am and it's almost 4pm.

The only breaks I've gotten are prayers breaks. I haven't even had food. Not like I'm even hungry. I'm hardly ever hungry.

"Fa'iza!" I snap out of my thoughts again and look into the small mortar in front of me. The spices are well crushed and the garlic is even starting to turn the whole thing to a paste.

"Ina kawowa." I shout back and take the mortar to Ummi. She looks up at me from the chair sitting on and narrows her eyes.

"Juye shi a cikin can." I pour it into the spicy mix and mix it with the serving spoon.

"Go and get ready. Zakuje da driver ku sayo fruits for the fruit platter and vegetables na coleslaw din. Kinsan baya iya sayo abun da ya kamata. Ruqayya kuma she hates going to the market, gashi su Mary suna aiki." Mary raises her head from the chicken and Ummi looks at her.

"Yes?" Mary shakes her head.

"Nothing ma, I thought you called me." Mary goes back to the chicken she's frying and Ummi turns to me.

"Garki zakuje. Get the list from my room and my purse too." I leave with a nod and start walking up the stairs. I'm just going to add an Abaya to the jeans and shirt I'm wearing.

Going up the stairs, I run into Ruqayya who has been frowning since morning.

"Ina zuwa?" Ruqayya's frown gets deeper.

"Ummi mana. Wai inje," Ruqayya's phone starts ringing and she hisses before taking the stairs down.

Ruqayya has been annoyed since yesterday evening that we have to do everything ourselves when Abba is wealthy enough for Ummi to hire a handful of people to do everything for us while we rest. But Ummi doesn't trust people doing anything for her without her input. So we're stuck with doing it all ourselves.

I don't really mind though. It's been a long time since I cooked fried rice but I'll cook some tomorrow morning for BK's uncles. Ruqayya is better with stew so she's mixing the peppered chicken tomorrow morning. And although we'll each have one of the maids helping us, we know it's going to be stressful.

I take the first black Abaya my eyes fall on when I enter my closet and add black loafers to my dressing. I wrap the Abaya veil around my head and pick my bag since I know Ummi will be giving me cash. I also pick my card — incase I come across something I want —and phone then head to her room.

I take everything she said I should and leave. Within minutes, I'm on the road with the driver and Kay Bee is back in my head, tormenting my thoughts. If not for the work at home, I would have been at the fair for the second day which is supposed to be the day people play games to win stuff from their favorite authors. And, it's picture day too. So I would have gotten a picture with Kay Bee.

Luckily for me, tomorrow is the last day for the fair, and it's the WIP reveal. Authors reveal their upcoming works and they even choose beta readers. I hope for the life of me that tomorrow, Kay Bee chooses me.

And even though tomorrow is the tambaya, I will still go. I have already talked to Ummi about it.

BK's uncles are going to be at home from Zuhr and by Asr, everything will be rounded up. So I will still get to go to the fair.

The driver parks and that is when I realize we have arrives at the market.

The fact that Baffa Bashiru couldn't keep his disgusting attitude away during the tambaya just unnerves me the more as I take of my jewelry. I don't even know why I am angry. But if any of Abba's brothers so as much as snicker in my direction, I will let my tongue fly and what it will bring down with it will be an array of colorful words as take home for those shameless men.

Good thing though is, they are leaving tomorrow. So I just have to continue with this charade of tolerating their nonsense for a few more hours.

Ruqayya couldn't tame her tongue though. When Baffa Bashiru asked BK how many packs of condoms he buys monthly, Ruqayya gave him a suitable answer. I will not repeat the abomination she sprouted, but I know that she said the right thing. Next time, he'll think twice before talking to anyone at all about such things.

I know for sure Abba will scold Ruqayya. But it is definitely worth it. Baffa Bashiru deserved it.

I look at the time on my wristwatch and then I pray Asr before getting dressed for the last day of the fair. I can't believe I'm going to see Kay Bee, again. And I'll even get a picture with him.

Last night when I slept, I dreamt about Kay Bee, again. But this time around. It was an innocent dream. We were talking and I kept making him laugh. We were both happy with each other. I honestly didn't want to wake up but my alarm had to ring and wake me up for Subh.

I so badly wanted to go back to sleep after Subh but Ummi wouldn't let me, we still had a lot of work to do. Hopefully, when I sleep back again tonight, I will dream about him again and it will be a continuation of last night's dream.

Once I'm all ready, I grab my tote and wallet. Instead of taking the driver today I want to drive myself. So I take my keys and take a quick picture. I send it to Abba before going to tell Ummi goodbye.

I find her in the room in tears, the shower running. I don't know how, but I feel the muscles in my face contract and the next second, I'm frowning. I drop my tote beside Ummi's hunched figure and then I sit beside her legs.

I don't know if she sensed my presence or she just raised her head, but the moment she realizes I'm in the room, she wipes her tears and the streaks of powder kohl she had in her eyes and puts on a small smile.

"Fa'iza, yaushe kika shigo?" She stands up like I did not just see her crying in the expensive lace she wore for just today.

"Meya faru?" Ummi shakes her head as she goes to the window.

"Babu, meye kika gani?" Her voice makes me realize she's hiding a fresh set of tears from me. Maybe something happened with Abba and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I walk up to her and hug her from behind.

I put my hand around her stomach, feeling her ribs through the light material of the expensive igbo lace she's wearing. She tenses for a second before her hands go over mine.

"I love you, Ummi. Allah ya kara miki lafiya ya bar mana ke." I hear her sniff lowly before an Ameen comes.

We stay like that until the sound of the shower running stops, and then Abba comes out in a jalabiya.

"You're going now koh?" Ummi says turning to face me. I think she's stopped crying.

"Yes," She nods.

"Allah ya kiyaye hanya. Kar ki dade." I nod and lightly kiss her forehead before turning to leave.

"Abba sai na dawo," Abba waves me bye and I leave.

All through my drive to the fair, I keep wondering what happened with Ummi. Did Abba say something? It's very possible, considering the fact that Ruqayya did something wrong today, that too in front of the groom to be's family. Abba probably was angry and he vented it on Ummi.

Or Baffa Bashiru let his mouth run again. Or Baffa Rabiu hasn't really changed as I thought he did.

I sigh as I park and enter the open grounds. I can't wait to have a picture with Kay Bee again.

Ruqayya Ibrahim Tahir.

No one told me having your wedding day set makes someone this happy. I've been so giddy for the past months and I don't even bother to hide it. I thought the excitement will eventually wear off and give way for something else, but I'm still as excited as I was the day three months ago when my wedding date with Bee was set and my lefe was brought two weeks after.

"Stretch your hands by your sides, ma'am." I do as the beautician says as my thoughts drift back to Ummi's words this morning.

It's a little over a week to my wedding, and no matter how much I want to meet Bee and talk to him, Ummi says it's not allowed. I can't do that, apparently. I will have to wait until the day I'm taken to his house. I can't wait until then, I have to tell him this.

I was supposed to tell him the day the wedding date was set, but then I decided against it. Especially after talking to Chi and Zara. But now that the wedding is this close, he has to know what he's getting himself into, and so do I.

There are a lot of things I can't compromise, and this one thing I want to talk to him about is one of them. I can even call off this marriage if I am forced to compromise it. Which is why I have to talk to him about it.

"Turn and lay supine." I turn, my eyes still hidden by cucumber slices dipped in olive oil.

By the time the beautician is done, Fa'iza is back from the airport where she went to pick Aunty Hassana and Goggo Rabi. They went to God knows what country this time around to buy more home decor stuff for me.

Fa'iza has been my personal chauffeur since the wedding started. Ummi has refused to have me driving around by myself. So Fa'iza has been driving me to the beautician for the past month. If she has work, Zara comes to pick me.

"Muje koh?" Fa'iza says. Poor girl sounds so tired. If my uncles are Ummi's nightmares then my aunties and cousins are Fa'iza's nightmares. Aunty Hassana has been the only person that is making Fa'iza's efforts count.

I chose Fa'iza as my chief bridesmaid, even though I won't be having any real events. Just a small bachelorette party. Bee refused to have any events, he said he won't have any events, so we will only have a budan kai. And the budan kai is only because Ummu and Ummi insist we have a wuni which will only be possible if we have a budan kai.

"Sure, muje." I wear my Hijab and head out of the beauty spa with Fa'iza in front of me. All through the drive home, Fa'iza is quiet. She looks very tired. And I understand her tiredness. I have the laziest cousins so most of the wedding preparations is left to her.

"We're going to stop by the event planner to let her know about the change in the color theme for your bachelorette. I hope you don't mind." I look at Fa'iza closely, noting her eye bags and darkened skin.

"No, I don't." Fa'iza doesn't reply. Within ten minutes of driving, we are in front of the event planning agency where the event planner works.

"Wait for me here, Ummi said to not let you out of the car. Direct sunlight isn't good for you." I nod and Fa'iza walks out of the car.

At least I can talk to Bee now. When I get home, no one will allow me to even sit for five minutes so I won't have time to call him. And the time I'll be free, he's either asleep or at work.

We barely talk these days because of how busy we both are. It is granted since it is exactly eight days to the wedding.

Luckily, he picks on the second ring when I call.

"Assalamu Alaikum, Ru baby," He says and I immediately smile.

"Bee, ya aiki?" He sighs.

"Sai hamdala. I'm so tired these days you have no idea. No one told me a wedding was so stressful." I chuckle.

"I'm sure you're not getting hot sugar mixture on your skin twice a week." I hear shuffling before his voice comes, clearer than before.

"Hot sugar kuma? On your skin? Kona min ke akeyi?" I laugh. I love his possessive and protective side.

"No, it's gyaran jiki," I say with a smile and I hear him suspire from the other end.

"Ai har kin tsoritar dani. How's the preparations? I hope you are doing well." I smile and look at my growing nails. Apparently, I should let it get a little long because it will compliment my long lean fingers and will look good with henna.

"Everything is good, Bee. I actually called to talk to you about something." I hear his sharp intake.

"Ruqayya, are you getting cold feet? Please, don't. I love you and I won't change after the marriage. We'll be fine, okay? Just pray. Shaytan ne yakeso ya bata auren, kinsan baya son ayi aure." I can't help the loud laugh that come out of my mouth at his words. He really thinks I'll ever get cold feet? I knew what I was doing when I chose him and decided to get married six months after meeting him.

"No, it's not that." My words are stolen from my lips as I sight Fa'iza's peach hijab through the rear view mirror as she rounds the car. How did I not see her come out of the building? I'm literally in front of the door.

"Do you know what, let's talk today. After Isha." I hear him sigh before he replies with an okay.

"Bye, love you," I say and immediately end the call at the same time Fa'iza enters the car. She gives me a weird look before revving the engine to life and then driving us home.

The rest of the day drags on painstakingly slow and by the time the call to Isha is made, I am tired, annoyed, frustrated and feel like my clothe are sticking to my body because of the amounts of hugs an handshakes I had to endure from aunties and cousins from distant parts of the family, most of which I honestly won't remember names of but Ummi has to introduce me to every grandaunt of the cousin of Abba's.

After praying Isha and taking a well deserved bath, I take my phone to find two missed calls from Bee. I smile and slip to the last room in the corridor that only Aunty Hassana and her daughter, Tamisha occupy. I know they won't be up anytime soon so I sit in the bed their and call Bee. He picks on the second ring.

"Assalamu Alaikum, Ru baby." I smile and return his salam.

"Ameen wa alaikas salam, Bee. How was your day?"

"It was tiring, but Alhamdulillah. You said you want to talk to me about something earlier." I sigh before replying in the affirmative.

"You see, we never talked about my work."

"Oh, that. I thought it was something serious," Bee chuckles "You had me worried the whole day." He chuckles again.

"But it's serious. I intentionally kept evading that topic because I wasn't ready to talk about it with you just yet."

"Okay, go on."

"You see, I want to be an actress."

"Wa iyazubillahi! Acting kuma, Ruqayya?" I immediately frown, what's there to seek refuge from in acting?

"Yes, I want to be an actress, for Hollywood." I hear Bee mutter a handful of supplications before his voice comes, taut and distant.

"Did you talk to Abba about it?"

"Well, Abba is not going to be the one I answer to a week from now. Which is why I am talking to you about it." I hear Bee sigh.

"Ruqayya did you talk to Abba about this or not?"

"I did, but that was a while back."

"What did he say, then?"

"That he won't have his daughter gallivanting around men with cameras in the name of acting." Bee sighs.

"Exactly. Ruqayya acting is Haram." I frown.

"No, it isn't."

"How did this even get to your head? What do you think it looks like, a woman wearing clothes that are handpicked by males probably and standing in front of males, giving them different views of her body? That's the image you what for yourself? As a woman? A whole rabbul bait?" I roll my eyes.

"It's not how you paint it to be."

"Oh, pray do tell. How is it then? You don't realize that you will have to wear what the director asks you to wear, say what the director asks you to say, and even do exactly as he says, right? You are literally like a puppet in his hand if you are an actress. You don't get a say in what you do or say or wear."

"I already know that, and I'm fine with it."

"Well, I'm not."

"Bello, it's not that bad. I'll make lots of money, I will be happy. It has been my dream my entire life."

"Money? You think I have a problem with money? Ruqayya for God's sake money is not a problem? And happiness is in the little things, not gasping, bending and faking tears in front of a gazillion cameras."

"At least try and understand, it has been my dream fah Bee, it's—" Bello cuts me off.

"I'm done with this conversation Ruqayya. No means no. Mu kwana lafiya." A beep that means the call has been ended comes and I sigh. There will definitely be a problem. Many problems actually.

23-06-2023
Edited

There's fire on the mountain, who loves it? I know I do.

School has resumed, and I really really want to finish this book before Eid. But we'll see what life does with me.

Thank you for 500 reads.

Okay, bye!