Chapter 19

Fuck my doctor.

Seriously, fuck her for not respecting my wishes back then.

"Are you sure?" I asked once again.

"Yes, Nadia," muli niyang sabi sa akin. "You did take the pregnancy test. We did blood work. You are pregnant."

Fuck.

Fuck.

My mind was just screaming fuck.

Naramdaman ko iyong panlalamig ng buong katawan ko kahit na alam ko naman na bago pa ako pumunta rito na buntis ako. This is my body. Of course I'd know if something's different about it. Lagi akong pagod. Lagi akong inaantok. That wasn't my normal. At alam ko na nagtataka na rin si Archie if not for the negative pregnancy test results that I kept on giving him.

"How do you want to proceed?" she asked me.

"Terminate," I replied like it was a reflex.

"Do you want to discuss this with your husband first?"

"No."

Natigilan siya sa tono ng boses ko. I briefly closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I felt like suffocating. The term's about to end. It's been great, if I may say so myself. Archie performed better than expected—of course with a lot of help from my end dahil saan ba manggagaling lahat ng suportang nakukuha niya? But that's not important now. I needed to decide if we're running for senate or congress. I knew that the next time I see Abuela, I'd need to give her an answer.

This pregnancy's not wanted now more than ever.

I needed to keep my eyes on the prize.

Presidency—that's always been the end game for me. It's my end all be all.

My doctor advised me to talk to a therapist first kung ayaw kong kausapin si Archie. Seriously, what's wrong with this country? Kung ayaw kong magbuntis, why do they make it their business? My body, my rules. I hated explaining myself for something that should be my own decision.

I could hardly concentrate on anything. Gusto ko nang umuwi, pero ayokong makita si Archie. Gusto ko ring pumunta sa Tagaytay, but I needed to be in Manila dahil baka may biglang kailangan akong gawin.

Maybe I should just go to a hotel.

Right.

Sasabihin ko na lang kay Archie na may kailangan akong gawin sa probinsya o kung anuman. I really just couldn't be around him. He always looks at me like he knew that I was hiding something and I could not lie right now. I was not in the right headspace.

I headed straight to Manila Pen. I was wearing a pair of sunglasses that almost covered my whole face. Wala ako sa mood makipagusap sa kahit na sino ngayon.

"Thank you," I said when the keycard was given to me.

I stayed in the hotel bar first habang chine-check pa ng security ko iyong kwarto. I sat on the farthest end, hoping that it's clue enough na wala ako sa mood makipagsocialize... but of course, someone still sat by my side and tried to have a conversation with me.

Sometimes, some people are just too oblivious.

But I have mastered the art of faking having interest kaya naman nakipagusap ako sa kanya. I almost sighed in relief nang maka-receive ako ng message mula sa security ko na pwede na akong pumunta sa kwarto.

Diretso akong naglakad papunta sa elevator. While inside, I crafted a message to Archie saying that I needed to attend a meeting outside Manila and that I'd just see him tomorrow since the drive's long. Paglabas ng elevator, sinend ko iyon sa kanya. How badly I wanted to put my phone on do not disturb, but my brain wouldn't let me dahil baka biglang may emergency at bigla akong kailanganin.

I placed my bag on the table and immediately stripped down. I made myself a bubble bath. While waiting for the water to fill the tub, naglakad ako papunta sa telepono. I was in the middle of listening to the phone ring nang may bigla akong ma-realize.

"Shit."

Another reason for not wanting to get pregnant: you can't drink alcohol.

"Good afternoon," rinig kong sabi sa kabilang linya.

"Hi," I replied, "Can I Caesar salad?" I asked.

"Of course, Ma'am. Anything else?"

"No, that's it. Thank you," I replied although I really wanted to order champagne. I mean... why was I restricting myself? It wasn't as if itutuloy ko iyong pagbubuntis ko.

"Alright. Thank you, Ma'am. We'll deliver it to your room shortly."

So... no alcohol for the night.

Great.

* * *

I tried to work, but I couldn't concentrate.

I tried to read, but I couldn't understand the words.

I tried to watch, but nothing looks interesting enough.

I tried to sleep, but I kept on seeing Archie's face in my head.

Great.

I was all alone with my thoughts the whole night.

Pagsikat ng araw, agad akong nag-checkout. I couldn't be there alone for any more second. Pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw ako. Dumiretso ako sa condo ni Addie at doon nagpalipas ng oras bago ko kinailangan na umuwi. She kept on badgering me until she realized that I meant it nang sinabi ko na wala ako sa mood makipagusap. I waited there until Archie's already at work dahil ayoko pa rin siyang makita.

Pagdating ko doon, agad akong nakatulog.

It was already around 3PM nang magising ako. I groaned when I realized that I slept through my alarm. Buti na lang at wala akong meeting na naka-set ngayong araw dahil nakakahiya kung hindi ako makakarating, although I knew that Cheryl would probably make an excuse for my behalf. She knows how I operate already.

It was around 4PM nang makarating ako sa munisipyo. I just wanted to get some things and to also make an appearance there. Malapit na naman ang elesksyon. People needed to be reminded again how good we were here para iboto ulit si Archie kung saan man siya tumakbo sa susunod.

"What?" I asked nang mapansin ko na nakatingin sa akin si Rosie. Normally, I had much longer patience for the girl, but lately, even the sight of her was putting me in a sour mood. I didn't know if it was hormones o talagang nakaka-bwisit lang siya.

"Wala po," she replied while shaking her head abruptly.

"Where's Archie?" I asked.

"May tinatapos lang po na meeting," she replied. "May sasabihin po ba kayo sa kanya?"

"Yes," I said.

"Sasabihin ko na lang po kapag natapos na iyong meeting."

I arched my brow. "I can talk to my husband myself," I said, annoyed. Good thing no one's around because they'd hate me for snapping at this poor orphan.

"Hindi naman po iyon ang ibig kong sabihin."

"Whatever," I replied. "I'll wait for him inside."

Dumiretso ako papasok sa opisina niya at naupo sa couch. The moment my body hit the couch, agad akong nakaramdam ng antok. Muli. God, I needed to get rid of the pregnancy. Hindi naman pwede na lagi lang akong inaantok. I had things to do.

Palakad-lakad lang ako sa opisina niya. Ganoon niya ako naabutan nang pumasok siya.

"Hey," he said, his face lightening up upon seeing me. "Kailan ka nakabalik?"

"Ngayon-ngayon lang," I replied.

"Dito ka dumiretso?"

I nodded. "We can have dinner later."

"Oh..." he said.

"Why?" I asked because of his reaction. "You have dinner plans?"

"Birthday ni Rosie," he said.

"So?"

"Nagsabi na ako sa kanya na pupunta ako."

Hindi agad ako nakasagot.

Birthday pala niya ngayon.

"Oh," I said. "Is it a party? Why am I not invited?" I asked, my brow arched. If it's indeed a birthday party, bakit hindi man lang niya ako ininvite kanina? Bakit si Archie lang? Not that I wanted to attend—just genuinely curious.

Archie just gave me an uncomfortable smile.

"What?" I asked.

Umiling siya. "Bukas na lang. I'll make a reservation in your favorite restaurant," he replied, trying to divert the topic.

"Fine," I said, "But still, she doesn't want me in her party?" I asked. "Or is it just a dinner between the two of you?"

Agad na kumunot ang noo ni Archie. "What?" he asked like he was surprised sa tanong ko.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, come on, Archie. It's very obvious that that girl has a little crush on you," I said, looking straight into his eyes.

"No," he said. "She's just thankful for everything we've done for her."

"Exactly," I replied. "We've done for her. We. You and me. So, why am I not invited?"

He sighed exasperatedly. "Really? All this for a birthday?"

I just stared at him. "Why are you defending her?"

"I am not," he said, sounding defensive. "I had a long day, Nadia."

"Oh, suddenly I'm Nadia," I replied.

Hindi siya sumagot at naglakad papunta sa upuan niya. He sat there and opened his laptop. I just remained there, standing in front of him. I couldn't believe that of all things we could argue about, iyong babae pa na 'yon.

"So, you're really going to her birthday."

"Yes."

"Wow."

"Anong gusto mong gawin ko?" mabilis niyang sagot. Rinig na rinig ko iyong inis sa tono niya. "Gusto mong sabihin ko na hindi ako pupunta? Kahit na wala na siyang pamilya?"

I rolled my eyes. "Losing her family's not a free pass in life."

"Oh, my god," he said, sounding so pissed. "I can't believe I'm hearing this."

"Hearing what?"

"This. You being so heartless."

I felt my jaw clenching.

Why was I suddenly angered with him calling me heartless? I had heard him say this to me before. I had always shrugged it off. I couldn't believe that Rosie's doing this to me. Who did she think she was?

Nakatayo lang ako roon.

"Shit."

Bigla siyang tumayo at mabilis na naglakad sa akin. My mind couldn't even process what was happening and why suddenly, I was inside his arms.

"I'm sorry. Please don't cry," he told me.

Napaawang ang labi ko.

I wanted to touch my face to see if I was crying, but there was no need when the tears fell down my face and I tasted the disappointment.

Of all the reasons I would cry about!

"Hindi na ako pupunta," he said.

Hindi ako makapagsalita.

I hated that I was crying over Rosie's birthday. Sa lahat ng bagay na pwede kong iyakan. Why was she capable of making me cry? This was ruining my day even more.

"Pupunta na tayo sa favorite restaurant mo," he continued. "Wag ka ng umiyak, please..." he said as he hugged me even tighter and kissed the top of my head.

Hindi na ako nakasagot dahil parang umiikot na ang mundo ko. I sat down when Archie went outside. He tried to close the door, pero hindi niya masyadong naisara iyon.

"I'm sorry, Rosie. Bawi na lang ako sa susunod," I heard him say.

Curiosity got the best of me.

I stood up.

"Okay lang, Sir," sabi niya. Even from a distance, I saw how fake the smile was. Archie tapped her shoulder as he excused himself. I remained standing there as I saw Rosie shed a tear. Mabilis niya iyong pinunasan, pero tuluy-tuloy lang ang pagtulo ng luha niya.

What a weird girl—having a crush on someone who's already married. Of course he'd choose me. I'm his wife. 

**

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