what was supposed to be a dream come true

quickly became a complete and utter disaster

all in the form and time span

of spring break.

she was going to France

as a part of an exchange

through school.

she had been looking forward

to the trip 

for years.

it was the reason

she chose to take french

it was the reason she stuck with french

even when her teachers 

and classmates 

were seemingly the devil incarnate.

she had wanted to get away 

so badly

she had wanted to travel

and see the world 

so badly

that her expectations had risen

beyond possibility.

or maybe it was the simple fact

that she had expectations at all

that it all went to hell

faster than she thought possible.

her first warning

was the simple fact

that she wasn't friends

with anyone else on the trip.

not that she really had a lot of friends,

but there wasn't even one person

on the trip

that she had really talked to before.

The only person she'd had 

a true conversation with before

manifested in the form 

of Parker Millington,

the witchy sophomore girl

with a knack for making other people

feel left out and utterly unimportant.

Not only was Parker on the trip,

but Katie Saint,

who was worse than Parker, 

who Parker followed around like a lost puppy,

and the over-privileged Katherine Blesski, 

who was a model

who had more money than everyone else on the trip combined,

who was nice to your face

and gossiped when you left.

But she didn't know the three

well enough to know that.

she didn't realize who they were

until she was stuck with them 

for 12 days.

* * *

arriving in Paris

would have been a dream

had she gotten any sleep on the plane

had she realized that arriving in France

at 6am,

meant missing an entire nights sleep,

meant going 24 hours

fully awake.

Not only did she get no sleep,

but they walked around Paris

practically all day.

The exhaustion 

wouldn't let her 

enjoy the city.

It felt like an older version of New York,

with even more cars

narrower streets

and people that didn't know how to drive.

she wanted to collapse

and sleep

more than anything.

but she also didn't want to miss anything

because this was her dream

she had wanted this so badly...

but she felt the reality 

slowly deflating the picture she had

of Paris

of France

of Europe 

entirely.

* * *

despite the overwhelming exhaustion

she had trouble falling asleep

after arriving at her host family's house

after eating french food

after lying in an unfamiliar bed

for what felt like hours.

she couldn't sleep

no matter how much her tired eyes stung

no matter how much her aching body

screamed at her.

when she did finally fall asleep

it was more of a restless sleep 

than anything.

it was like

her body was protesting

it was like

her body was screaming at her

to go home

where everything was familiar

unchanged

safe.

* * *

she liked the small town of Epernay.

it was everything she wanted in a town;

beautiful old brick buildings,

everything within walking distance,

full of life.

she wished she could uproot the town

and place it back in america,

so that she could live there

but have the people speak english.

straining to understand french

when they spoke so rapidly

when your understanding was basic

was a lot more exhausting 

than she thought it would be.

she constantly had to pay attention

try to discern every word they said

when it all bled together

when it didn't make sense.

she thought it would be easier 

with her host family's young daughters

but they didn't know

how to speak slowly

they didn't realize 

that it didn't matter if they repeated things

a million times;

she couldn't understand

unless they spoke slowly.

she felt stupid

and incompetent 

and angry with her french teachers

for not teaching her well enough.

never before

had she so longed 

to be home

with her family

where simple communication

did not have to be so taxing.

when she and Claudine, 

the girl who had stayed with her

for two weeks, 

who she was staying with now,

arrived at Claudine's school,

she didn't think she'd ever been so happy

to see the terrible trio

or any of the other students

that came from her school.

she immediately 

started talking to a flamboyant boy

named BJ

who was popular

because he was friends with everyone.

they compared stories 

of what the french families were like

and how different it was in america.

who knew

speaking english could be so wonderful?

* * *

Claudine took her to a party.

it was a party

with all the french teens

who were hosting american students,

plus some other french people 

they didn't know.

she was wearing a new shirt

that she had bought when 

they went into the city of Reims.

She was also wearing a scarf,

because France was a lot colder 

than the state of virginia. 

she wasn't surprised 

that there was loads of alcohol,

but it did surprise her

that there was weed

and that Guillome,

whose house the party was at,

although it was much more like a mansion,

that Guillome's parents

were with their friends

allowing everyone to drink

and smoke weed.

she felt uncomfortable

but she had already made an agreement

with Bj

that they wouldn't get drunk

that they would just try alcohol 

because they were curious.

she had already tried champagne

and wasn't a huge fan

because it was basically over-glorified soda

with alcohol in it.

she did like the french beer

that she tried

but she wouldn't let herself finish it.

she was sticking to her guns

and she wasn't going to get drunk.

it was actually amusing

to watch the people from her school

get drunk;

it was amusing until it wasn't. 

to get to where the party was

everyone had to climb a huge staircase,

and it led to a large open area

that overlooked the driveway.

the issue

was that when everyone was drunk

it suddenly wasn't funny 

when they drifted towards the railing

when they climbed on each others shoulders

and were stumbling around.

she thought someone was going to get seriously hurt.

although it was worse

when she and BJ

tried to stop Parker from drinking more

because she was terribly drunk.

it was a relief

when Claudine said

that she was ready to go home

that she had called her dad.

when he came

he seemed to have a critical eye

observing

trying to gage whether

she was drunk or not.

she wasn't; 

she had only had half a beer,

a sip of champagne, 

and some type of fruity mixed drink

that was mixed with orange juice.

besides,

trying to stop drunk teenagers

who had other drunk teenagers on their shoulders

from going near a balcony

and drinking more

was entirely sobering.

she was happy 

to be back in her little borrowed room.

she couldn't help but feel homesick and guilty

when she was lying by herself 

the darkness pressing down on her.

* * *

her birthday was terrible.

she hated being away from her family

she hated that they decided 

to go to versailles,

which was 2 hours away.

she hated that they went to mcdonalds for food

she hated that they waited outside in line

for 2 and a half hours.

she hated that she got lost in versailles

and felt crowded by hundreds of people

pushing to see more.

she hated that she couldn't understand what people were saying

she hated that her day was terrible

she hated that she was in a terrible mood

she hated that they didn't have time to see the gardens

which were arguably the best part of versailles.

she hated that she was being ungrateful.

she hated almost everything about her birthday that day.

she wanted to go home

to sleep in her own bed.

she wanted to be able to sleep.

she felt like crying.

then-

she looked at her email.

her friend Kiley,

who she had been eating lunch with

every other school day

who was in most of her classes

who started going to her church

who started going to her bible study.

it was a happy birthday email

an email telling her

that because she was gone

Kiley realized she was her best friend

that not being able to hang out with her

made Kiley realize that she was her best friend.

the tears started flowing then

and she curled into a ball then

and typed how much it meant to her

that Kiley would tell her that,

and she poured her heart out

telling her how much she wanted to go home

that she felt so alone

that it meant everything to her

that Kiley had emailed her.

then it hit her.

Kiley was the friend,

no,

the best friend,

she had been waiting for.

* * *

she was so so stupid.

it was their last night in paris

and all the american students

were staying in a hotel

because they all  already left their host families.

marissa had gotten an eiffel tower shaped bottle

of brandy

and she and marissa

decided they wanted to have fun

before they went home.

Elise,

the girl she was sharing a room with

said she didn't want to drink

and put earbuds in 

before promptly 

falling asleep.

she should have followed suit

but she wanted to get drunk

she wanted to know what it felt like

and besides

she was so far from home

and everything familiar

that it didn't seem to matter.

she knew she shouldn't do it

because it went against all of her convictions

against all of her beliefs.

she knew it was wrong

but she felt so far from God

and she felt so far 

from everything

that consequences seemed dismal

and irrelevant.

so she drank half the bottle

and marissa drank the other half.

brandy was disgusting

and she ate sour patch stick things 

to get rid of the taste

at first 

she didn't think it did anything

especially when they went upstairs

to marissa's room

to get more alcohol.

she waited outside

while marissa went in.

marissa was sharing a room

with katherine, parker, and katie

and they all turned their noses up

whispering about how marissa 

reeked of alcohol.

she was suddenly glad

that she had stayed in the hall.

she didn't feel the alcohol

until they got back to her room.

she was giggly

but couldn't stop shushing marissa

"shhh...

Elise is sleeping.

she's-

she's a good roommate

we- 

we shouldn't wake her

I don't wanna

I don't wan her to be mad"

she was slightly slurrrring

and it was alllll funn

unntil marisssaaaa

decidedd tooo be a lightweight

shheeee wanted more champagne

buut

shheee wouldn't let her

annd shee haad to ssssit on herr

to sstop herrr frommm drinking moore..

shee thought marissaa

was asleeeep

untill she said

"I have to throw up"

she let marissa get up

and shee opeend the toilet seat for her

"shhee's sssuch a lightweight"

shhe whispered to herself..

affter marissaaa went to sleeep,

she went on her pphhonne.

baaaaaaaad idea

shhe thought

baaaaaaad idea..

she texted her sissster

and her friend seannn

baaaaaad idea.

looooots of snapchat videos

oooooops

sshee is a very talkyy drunk...

shhee was gonnnna regret thiss..

* * *

she didn't think she had a hang over

because she didn't have a headache

but she felt miserable

because they had to wake up early 

to go to the airport.

she was so ready to go home

so ready to be done with this trip.

she tried not to think about the fact

that she drunk messaged her sister

or that she had gotten drunk in the first place.

so much for having christian morals

she thought glumly.

she just wanted to curl into a ball

and sleep all day.

she felt slightly nauseous 

like her stomach was complaining too

and she could tell that it was gonna be a sucky day.

what was even worse

was that after the 8 hour flight

she would have to sit in a two hour car ride

with parker millington

because her parents were taking her home

because her parents couldn't pick her up 

from the airport.

she slept most of the ride back

although she was slightly upset 

about that

because mr. and mrs. millington

said they were going to stop by chickfila

but then decided not to 

because they didn't want to wake her up.

when they got to the millington's house

her parents were waiting for her

and she felt like crying

she was so happy to see them.

she got out

and hugged her mom

and then clung to her dad

and sucked back the tears

because she wasn't going to cry

in front of the millingtons.

she was back

she was finally where she belonged.