I think it would have greatly benefited you all to just ask me, instead of assume that things were the way they were. I never said I was directing those words to you, but you felt like I was: both of you. What does that say? Maybe in your subconscious, you agree. I just think you're foolish for assuming that I meant you: your bitterness is folly and useless.

And you (1) called me your brother, even a father figure, and told me that even though you made a point to talk to me when I was gone apparently I haven't made a point to talk to you because I'm supposedly upset. I didn't leave because of you, silly girl. Nor was I so upset that I didn't talk to you. In case you don't remember, I DID try and talk to you. But you ignored me, so I stopped trying. I have nothing against you, except now I don't have much respect for you. Because you started assuming and started getting angry. You've always been so angry inside, you know? Didn't make you much fun to be around. I tried, I did try, to be your friend. I'm sorry if I was very busy with my own tragedies, and I'm sorry that you felt left out. But no, I don't blame myself: I don't blame anyone. And you shouldn't either. You had every opportunity to ask me what I meant, how I felt. Instead you stayed away. And the most ironic thing of all, I may have left rudely: but so did you. Who are you to judge? And honestly, I wasn't talking about you all those other times. You assumed, which was wrong of you...Then you threw shade at me, thinking that you were somehow defending yourself...All you had to do was ask me if I was talking about you, do you realize that? No one seems to ask first anymore. Instead they just act. But you probably won't understand any of this, will you? I'll never really know why, but something about you...it always seemed like you never really understood anything.

As for you (2), I can't even imagine where to begin. You were the cause of nearly every dramatic situation, and I always got dragged into them. And now you tell me that I started this drama? Really? Because I argued with her? Our arguments were between ourselves, no one ever asked you to get involved. And it never should have created drama among you lot. You created this drama: you thought you had the right to be angry and disappointed in someone else's choices. You, of all people, acted like you were allowed the throw the first stone. You've done things like it, too, remember? Yet you got high and mighty about it. Later, you pretended like you didn't really care. Hey, maybe you didn't really care. But you made the mistake in the beginning: the mistake of thinking that our business was your business. And S. asked her (1) to only do one thing, no one asked her to pester you. And no one asked you to get offended, and no one asked you to yell at her. No one asked her to leave the way she did. So no, don't tell me not to point fingers: I didn't point fingers (I simply said that I was tired of all the drama, the cumulative drama. Drama that wasn't just caused by me, obviously.). So don't YOU point a finger at me and blame me, just because you're wounded because I decided I didn't need or want any of you anymore. Angel was right, you are a child and you do need to grow up. You feign maturity, and when we are angry or bitter you tell us to let things go and let things be. But the moment you're angry, you do the opposite. Why? You could have asked me, you know. Instead of pretend to be my friend and make assumptions like that. I thought you were different, but you're all so much alike. Oh, and you're right about one thing: I don't care.

See, I just want to be alone. You don't really know why, no one has asked. All you know is I was tired of you lot. Same as she (1) was, but somehow I'm the bad guy now...Funny, funny. What you're doing now: creating more drama (or trying to), that is why I left. You are toxic people, simply put.
And yes, I'm probably toxic, too. In fact, I know I am. But at least I'm not self-righteous about it. I know that I'm a bad friend, a bad person, and a jerk. I know I'm toxic. I have never tried to hide it. Unlike you.

All I wanted to do was walk away. Perhaps I was harsh. But if I was kind, you wouldn't have let me go, now would you? At least this way I could be free, without having to worry about you all trying to pull me back.
Do you know how many times I've wanted to go? But you would never let me. I tried and tried, but you always wanted to mess things up. I wanted clean cuts, but you all made things jagged. Now I've stopped caring about the shape of the incision: I just want to get away.

Do you think that I was never hurt? I was hurt, over and over. None of you are innocent in that, but you all like to forget it. I know that I must have done my own share of hurting you, but still. I lived in a constant state of hurt, almost. There are other things in life that hurt me all the time, and you all made it worse but never wanted to admit it. I probably seemed immune, didn't I? I didn't complain about it half as much as what you heard from me. And I toughened up for a while, I let you all hurt me. But a person can only take so much before their pain and sadness turns to anger. I'm still angry, you know. But now that I'm almost free: I know that time will heal me and I won't be angry anymore. I've forgiven you all, too. But I don't have to stay with any of you.

I probably sound terribly selfish, don't I? I've never liked selfishness, maybe because it's my strongest flaw (I believe). But once upon a time, she told me to be selfish for once. This surprised me, to think that someone thinks I'm selfless. I've never thought myself altruistic. But now I really will be selfish, and I'll push you away so I can be okay again.
Is that too much to ask for? I'm not sorry.

And about the love thing. I never specifically directed it at anyone. It's so strange how you all picked that one thing out to be so hurt about. Defensiveness is to be expected. The people who truly know what love is, they don't feel a need to defend their knowledge and experience. But you both did. And even though I didn't direct those words to you when I wrote them: I'm directing them now. You DON'T know what love is, and obviously your attitudes and actions prove it. Your fools, pining over people who don't care and never will. Get over it, move on. That's life. Life doesn't cradle you, it doesn't deliver it's blows softly. You need to learn to toughen up, and maybe you'll learn how to do so maturely, and not become a cold jerk because of it. Or maybe not.

I never said I knew about love. I have an idea of it, but I never said I knew it, truly. I don't think I do. I know what it is, but I haven't yet practiced it. "Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I don't practice this, not like I should. So yes, I don't know about love. One day I will, one day we all will (probably).
It's arrogant to think, so vehemently, that you know something like that. It's not mature, I stand by what I said there.
I don't presume to know about love. I have been loved, yes. But have I loved, romantically? No, I don't think so. I know how to love, but because I do not practice it: I do not know it.

Besides, your book doesn't teach you love, does it? It teaches you that will be loved only if you are good, and only if you love back. The love that you have been taught is an earned love, a "I'll only love you if you love me" type love. (you are taught this by your 'divine' example) That is not true love. Love doesn't care if you are loved back, love coincides with grace.

We all have growing up to do. We all have more to learn, we all have more that we can improve. We'll never be perfect, or even close, of course. But only fools refuse change for the better. It doesn't matter your age or your experiences: you do not know what you think you know. I guarantee you: ten or twenty years from now you'll look book and realize how wrong you were about life. We all will. When I was 13, I thought I knew so much about the world, but looking back I see that I knew so little. The same will go when I am 50.  I'll look back to now and laugh at my younger self, and the absurdity of thinking I held wisdom.

And this is all I have to say.