Now that I've expressed my frustration to Ethan and he has effectively given me some space, I feel terrible. On the one hand, I really did need him to step back, but I probably could have been less dramatic about it.

And the thing that's really bothering me is that I kind of wish I hadn't pushed him away. I liked that he seemed so concerned for me and that he checked in on me so often. I want to see him again and I want...well, maybe I want to kiss him again.

But I want it to be when I'm ready.

I don't want to lose him.

I wallow in my shame for a good while before I start to think about the person I really am. Or at least who I used to be. I was strong, capable, level-headed, smart, and determined. I never let anything stand in my way. What happened to me that made me so soft that I had to rely on a man to make me feel happy or confident or...complete?

My standard operating procedure is to give myself a pep talk whenever I was attempting something new or tackling a particularly scary task, like when I interviewed for a position as assistant to the president of a local bank. I was in tenth grade, I had just turned sixteen, and I wasn't taking no for an answer. I landed myself a full-time summer job and a steady part-time gig for the rest of my high school career. 

That's who I really am. When I want something, I go after it, and I depend on my own grit to get the job done. I never used to rely on anyone else to help me or to do it for me, and I'm not going to start now.

What was I thinking? There's no reason I can't face this turn of events with the same attitude that I've always had. Losing my leg was a setback, but it doesn't have to change who I am. I'm going to bust my butt in therapy and make enough progress so that I don't have to go anymore. I'll go back to school in the summer and catch up on everything, and I'll be back on track by the end of the year.

I don't need Ethan to help me. I don't need my parents to coddle me. I'm the same Sarah Gabriella Stoker I've always been, minus one leg. I can work hard enough to make my life come back together.

After my pep talk, all of my pep is drained and I lie down for a nap. 

Early in the evening, the doorbell rings. I pull my blankets tighter around my head. It's probably another round of visitors, and I'm just not in the mood. My mother comes in quietly and tells me, "Ethan is here."

"I don't want to see him," I whisper.

"Sarah," my mom says gently. "You should at least talk to him."

I sit up in my bed and nod. I don't care that my hair is mussed I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Ethan steps through the doorway and I feel my earlier resolve start to shake when I see his smile and feel its effect all the way to my toes. 

"Hi Sarah."

I nod, trying to stay aloof.

"I came to apologize," he begins. "I'm sorry for everything. I came on too strong, and I realize that I've been pushing you way out of your comfort zone. I should have asked how you'd feel about having me as a therapist instead of just arranging it without your knowledge. I'm usually pretty level-headed, but let's just say I've gone a little off the deep end these past several weeks."

I smile shyly, feeling warmed by his sweet confession. My shoulders relax and I motion for him to come and sit on my bed across from me, which he does. He then continues, "When the referral was made, I asked my dad to let me take your case. I begged him, actually. I promised I would be professional. He risked a lot to say yes to me, but he knew I saved your life."

"So, now I'm just another case?" I asked, slightly uncomfortable with the word.

"No, you're not Sarah," he insisted. "That's just it. After our first appointment, I started to realize the implications. If I continued treating you, you would be just a case to me. I would have to keep it that way. I told you that I wanted to take care of you, but I want to be there for you, as more than just your therapist. I want to help you, protect you. You know? But then you told me to back off and I knew that was what I really had to do."

So much for my earlier rally. My emotions feel like they're everywhere when I burst out, "I don't know what I really want, Ethan! You can stop feeling obligated to help me, okay? You saved my life and I'm very grateful. I like you a lot, too, but you don't have to protect me anymore. I am a grown up."

"Oh, I know that, Sarah. I know. You are a very capable woman and you don't need me. But I want to be there for you. I want to be your friend and maybe, hopefully, more than just your friend." He closes his eyes for a few moments, and when he opens them again, he tells me, "I'm falling in love with you, Sarah."

I stop breathing for several seconds, my eyes widening in shock, my jaw dropping open.

He coughs out an embarrassed laugh and stands up. "Shit. I'm sorry. That's pretty much the opposite of what you probably wanted to hear." He starts pacing back and forth alongside my bed.

It's not like I didn't know his feelings for me were growing stronger but it's still a bit stunning to hear him say it so bluntly. My heart is all over the place, my brain is fiercely trying to sort out what's real and what's pretend. 

"I...I um....I don't..." I can't formulate anything coherent.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything," he tells me. "I've overstepped again." He stops pacing to look right at me. "I should just go." He turns to head for the door but I stop him.

"I'm just confused, Ethan. Can you respect that?" He nods with a small smile on his face. "And you really don't have to be my knight in shining armor."

He sits back on my bed, facing me. He slides his arms around my waist and pulls into a snug embrace, which I don't resist. When he pulls back, his cheeks are an adorably blotchy red as he whispers, "Well, what if I want to be your knight in shining armor?" 

His voice is so tender and sweet, his face still close to mine. Without even realizing what I'm doing, I lean in and kiss right next to his ear. I feel him stiffen a bit. I know he wasn't expecting that. I stop thinking about anything because I suddenly want to kiss him so badly. I kiss along his cheek until I reach his lips. I look into his eyes for several moments, swallowing hard, telling myself this isn't a good decision. I need to back off right now.

But I don't want to. So I close the small space between us and press my lips against his. Suddenly, our mouths are both moving desperately, sending sparks through my whole body. The voice of reason has been turned off temporarily, and all I want is to keep kissing him, and for him to keep kissing me.  

Way to confuse the poor guy, Sarah.

Finally, I force myself to pull away. I'm still dazed by Ethan's confession of love for me. I'm confused by my own cyclone of emotions. "Wow," I say breathlessly, feeling a little sheepish. "I'm sorry. That's not exactly what I was trying to tell you."

We both laugh a little. "Well, it was a nice way to let me down easy, if that's what you're trying to do," he shrugs.

"Not exactly. I guess it's safer to say I'm confused and I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship yet, for obvious reasons. But I'm afraid, too, that I'm not good enough for you, you know? I mean you're a Christian, and I don't even go to church. Doesn't that bother you?"

"Not really," he replies confidently. "There's so much about you that I admire, it doesn't matter as much to me if your tush is in a pew on Sunday morning. And you can let me decide whether you're good enough for me. The very idea is ridiculous to me because you, Sarah Stoker, are a phenomenal woman."

I laugh at his glowing words. "Well, I still need to focus on recovery for now and then figure out when I can start taking classes again. I don't know if it's a good time for me to consider a romantic relationship. Uh, it probably didn't help that I just kissed you, but I hope you understand."

"Yeah, I understand," he says quietly. I don't think he's hurt anymore but maybe just reasonably disappointed. I wish I could say something or do something to make him feel better but I can't promise that one day I'll be ready for everything he has to offer. I have no idea what my future holds. So as much as it's hard on both of us to take a step back, I have to do it for my sanity. And for my peace of mind.

And that's exactly what I feel after we say good-bye. Peace.

The following week, I meet Fern, my new physical therapist. She has mousy brown hair, she doesn't wear any makeup, and she has a very plain face. And she's not overly cheerful, which is a definite bonus, in my opinion. But she's very personable and I like her right away. She's perfect for me.

"So, are you ready to get started, Sarah?" Fern asks.

"Always." 

With a few quick adjustments to the temporary prosthesis, I'm back to walking like Frankenstein, but I catch on quickly and I'm walking much more gracefully by the end of the session.

"You did fantastic!" Fern enthuses. "You really do well for everything you've been through."

I chuckle a little bit and I tell her, "I feel like everyone has to say that to me."

"No, really," she insists. "You had your accident..." She flips through the pages of my chart. "...only six weeks ago. Oh, my gosh, Sarah.! A month and a half? That's nothing. You have come really far in that time. It's a mir-"

"Don't say miracle!" I tell her somewhat sharply. I notice the surprised and slightly confused look on her face. "I'm sorry. I just don't believe in miracles."

"Okay," she smiles. "Anyway, Ethan has told me a lot about your progress."

"Ethan told you about me?" I ask shyly. Of course he did.

"Well, he transferred you to me, so he had to bring me up to speed on your therapy. But he talked about you before that, too. A lot," she laughs.

"Oh, and good news," she goes on. "Tori should be bringing your new prosthetic leg in about a week. It will be great to get you started on that."

"Wonderful, I'm excited about it," I tell her and find that I'm absolutely sincere.

"The next time we meet, I'll look more closely at your residual limb to make sure it's healing and toughening up. Are you still doing your exercises?"

"Yup. Like clockwork," I assure her.

"Great, well, you probably won't even need me for very long. But I'm happy to get to know you in the meantime," she tells me.

"Yeah, me too," I grin.

As I leave with my parents, I can't decide whether I'm relieved or disappointed that Ethan didn't even come to say hello.

* * * * *

Hey, thanks for hanging in there with me. Please leave some comments for me. I'm staying over at a sleep clinic tonight while my son has a sleep study, so I'll be happy to hear some of your thoughts! <3