Alright, so everyone knows the Hunger Games right?

Cause those who don't

have been living under a fucking rock.

Now before we even get to the shit storm called the Hunger Games,

let's take a look at how this whole fuckery started.

Though they barely give us any background info in the movie

The book does.

Books are the fucking best.

Anyway it all started out

With us pesky humans

Blowing up shit

And basically killing ourselves.

Cause you know, that's how we do.

So Earth is just fucked up and the only people left alive are pretty screwed up

So they decide to build from the ashes or whatever the hell the expression is.

They thought it was a good idea to start 13 districts.

Basically towns

And fill them with with remaining people.

And as the numbers go higher

The more poor the communities are

Because this won't lead to problems in the future.

So everybody for a while was just banging and trying to repopulate

And the government, being a bunch of dicks

Just decides to treat everyone like crap

So in the middle of fucking to repopulate someone was probably thinking, "Maybe we should revolt."

Those fuckers started a rebellion

Probably using sticks or something.

Of course, the gov won

Even blew up an entire district.

Who fucking saw that coming?

And as a special little treat, those bastards decide to be even bigger dicks

And start what you all know and love,

The Hunger Games.

The rules are that one boy and one girl from each district between the ages of 13-18 gets thrown together in an arena and fight to the death for the people's entertainment.

That's right.

Instead of using all the shit load of money they have to help the poor they decide that fucking their children is a better use of their time.

Okay fast forward to present time in district twelve.

The shittiest district ever.

Besides district 13

But the dicks blew them up.

There we meet Katniss

A super attractive, strong, level headed, looking totally well fed girl

Who is a badass.

Her mom is a total bitch

Her sister is a stupid little cry baby

And her daddy is dead

Each day she goes into the woods with an EXTREMELY HOT guy name Gale

Yeah THAT'S a girls name

And uses her archery skills to get food

Which is just like a big FUCK YOU to the government

(Also again with the archery?)

She's also head over vagina for him

There's a lot of monologue and shit but then the exciting part happens.

No not the actually Hunger Games.

I'm talking about the Reaping dumbass

Yeah doesn't that sound like fun?

This is Katniss' sister's first year.

And she's being a winey bitch about it

So she only puts her name in once

And Katniss' name is in there like

Fifty times

So this lady named Effie who is such a WHORE picks two names from giant glass balls.

And guess who is the first person picked?

That's right

Katniss' winy little shit sister

But being the badass he is

Katniss volunteers to take her place

Way to go Katniss

You were the only food supply your family had

And now you are just gonna go and get yourself killed

Smart

Then it's this boy named Peeta.

He bakes bread

And his name is Peeta

Please tell me you get this.

So Katniss is all like, "OH SHIT."

Cause she suddenly remembers this time

When he did her a solid

And gave her some bread so her family wouldn't starve

It was meant for the pigs but still

Close enough.

And it turns out

That Peeta has this stalker crush on her

So there are your two victors

That no one gives a shit about

Now they enter the Capitol

The shittiest place in all of Panem

Which is actually really awesome

And there Katniss gets a make over

Because she was so damn ugly that no one could look at her

When their fashion is like

Cutting off your arm and bleaching your pupils or something.

After they are all fucked up they meet Haymitch

Who is awesome in my opinion.

Even if he is a drunk and a loser he is awesome.

Fuck you if you don't like him.

Anyway there's training and meeting other dumb ass kids who

Are shitting their pants

Because most of them won't make it out alive

But the people from districts 1, 2, 3, and 4

Are just beasts

They are basically the jocks of the Hunger Games

They train their whole life

To kill people.

And even still this is not as bad as YOLO

THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!!!

Oh wait what?

There's still interview and shit?

Come on I just want to see kids killing each other in brutal and nasty ways!

God damn it...

Alright so they go through interviews, Peeta claimed his love for Katniss on LIVE TV,

Blah blah blah

THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!!

So it starts out

With a shit load of kids dying.

I think half.

And Katniss running off into the woods.

Like a little bitch.

So things start to become calm.

Katniss finds water.

Cooks food.

Wait WHAT?!

Isn't this the Hunger Games?!

Isn't it impossible to find water or shit?

And Katniss found a god damn river in about two seconds?

I don't understand how she isn't living in a semi nice home back in 12.

So then things start to go crazy

Cause the guy running the games

Is all like,

"Alright I'm going fuck shit up then I'm going FUCK SHIT UP."

So naturally he sets the forest around Katniss on fire.

With giant fire balls.

What a dick

Katniss gets burned

YEAH TAKE THAT GIRL ON FIRE!

ISN'T THAT FUCKING IRONIC?

And he climbs a tree and begs like a bitch

Until Haymitch

Fucking awesome Haymitch

Sends he shit for her burn

That looks like seamen.

Katniss climbs a lot of trees

Sleeps in 'em

Sees the Careers are under her tree

So she decides to drop

A fucking

Crazy ass

HYBRID WASP NEST

On them (and Peeta...the little shit)

And then everybody goes ape shit.

Katniss then teaches it's okay to rob from corpses

As long as they tried to kill you first.

Then guess who she meets.

RUE.

Who the fuck is she/he cause I don't know how to tell the difference

Between genders in this book anymore.

Well she is part of the honorary bad ass club

From district 11

They do wheat and shit

She's twelve

First year

AND SHE'S BLACK.

No I did not put those letters in caps because she's black

Some of my best friends are black

Anyway they team up

And decide to TOTALLY SCREW OVER the careers.

By doing what?

Blowing up their food supply.

Seriously...

No one has thought of this before?

Like ever?

Is been about 75 years.

So they Katniss blows it up

Goes to find Rue.

And guess what?

That bitch is stuck in a net.

And when you're stuck in a net in the Hunger Games

You are fucked.

Katniss gets her out fortunately

But then literally a second late

One of the careers

Probably one with a girls name

Throws a god damn spear into Rue's belly.

A TWELVE YEAR OLD'S BELLY

JESUS CHRIST

Then Rue pulls it out like,

"I'm not is a tremendous amount of pain.

Nope."

So she dies.

Katniss losses her shit for a minuet.

And after she is bawling EXTREMELY LOUD

For HOURS

And NO ONE heard her

They announce the rules have been changed or some shit.

That two people from each district can live.

So Katniss is pretty fucking happy

Cause now

She has Peeta

Cause the main career

Cato

Totes stabbed the bread boy in the leg.

So Katniss finds him super quick

*rolls eyes*

And he looks like

A FUCKING ROCK.

EXCUSE ME BUT HOLE THE FUCK UP.

You're telling me that a guy who probably lost a lot of blood

Managed to

Without any professional make-up

Look like a legit rock

Because he decorates the cakes.

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

So Katniss saves him.

You expected a bang right?

WRONG

In fact they don't kiss nearly as much as they do in the book

Boooo

And they just hide out in the cave like pussies

Confessing their feelings

Peeta admits to being a creepy stalker

Watching her go to her house

Every

Day.

Like that's not fucking weird.

What the hell are they trying to sell?

The time comes when the Hunger Games has to end

And everybody is tired of this shit

Getting bored watching kids die

Yup.

So Katniss and Peeta go out looking for Cato

And MASSIVE DOGS spawn

Out of fucking thin air

And chase the two to

The cornucopia

Which btw was supposed to look like that horn at thanksgiving with food in it

But instead looks like a shitty rocket.

So they climb up the shitty rocket

And Cato is all,

"SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS"

And starts to try to kill Peeta.

But Katniss

Saves da day

And Cato falls to his death

Into the dogs.

YAY THEY WON!

Wait what?

You're changing the rules again?

Dude what the fuck?

Are you trying to play with our emotions

It just add some Romeo and Juliet crap to the scenario.

So now only one can survive

Yeah I said it.

Those bastards.

And Katniss

Being a total emo

Takes out those damn berries

And is like,

"Let's kill ourselves

Because

That is ultimate rebellion."

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the role model of this generation.

And Peeta is all,

"Okay whatever you say"

LIKE TOTALLY COOL WITH IT.

But the people stop them

They win

And the Capitol and the Government

Get SUPER PISSED.

And their president

Gets SUPER PISSED

Like someone just

Kicked his dog

And now he's gonna do

everything he can

To make Katniss and Peeta's lives

Even more miserable.

Because when you have an angry, slowly dissolving country

It's best to just fuck it up even more.

This movie has been officially Broken Down.