Then,

he let out a breath,

and started to tell me 

his story...

"My parents were born and raised Christians

and took us to church every week..."

he began

"Sorry,

I don't mean to interrupt,

but who is us?"

I asked

I couldn't help it.

He said us

but there was only him and Grace now....

"Right,"

he looked down.

"I had an older brother

his name was Beck.

We were really close

even for brothers.

he was my best friend,

and it was like nothing could separate us.

Then,

when he was a senior

and I was a freshman...

he just

he died.

He was in a car crash.

Beck loved animals

he was going to go to college

and become a veterinarian...

he was driving home from a party

his friends were all drunk

he was the designated driver

it was dark

and a damn deer 

ran out into the road

so of course Beck swerved the car

to avoid hitting the deer.

he lost control of the car

and it flipped a couple of times

before slamming into a tree

on the drivers side.

Beck was killed instantly

but Connor, 

who was in the front,

broke his leg and arm

and had a concussion

and Will and Davie

only had minor scratches.

Why did they have to go to the party that night?

Why did the damn deer have to jump out into the road?

Why couldn't Beck have just stayed home that night like I wanted him to?"

Jax stopped talking,

tears falling from his eyes.

I could tell

he was picturing everything 

and reliving all the pain from just two years ago.

I reached over

and grabbed his hand

squeezing it

to let him know I was there.

He cleared his throat

and squeezed my hand back

before beginning to speak again

with a broken voice.

"My-

my dad was also 

really close with Beck.

Beck was just like my dad.

They both played soccer

were the team captains

and they always went for runs every morning.

I was always a mama's boy

I guess you could say,

and never really had the same relationship with my dad

that my brother did.

Well,

when my dad found out that Beck had died,

it was as if something in him snapped.

He stopped going to church,

stopped going to work

stopped running

stopped coaching soccer

stopped doing anything, really.

he stopped talking all together.

the only time he did talk

was to yell at my mom or me.

he started drinking a lot,

and whenever I was home alone with him

he would beat me

I guess to take out his anger about losing Beck.

After,

he would always end up crying

and apologizing 

saying he just missed Beck.

but then he would do it again

and again

and again

and again...

Every 

single

night.

Mom never noticed

because after Dad lost his job

she had to pick up night shifts 

at the hospital

where she worked

just to keep us afloat.

She never really came home much,

so how could she have known?

Sophomore year was hell.

I started lashing out in school

getting in fights all the time

which caused my dad to beat me more

after getting a call home from school

saying I was suspended for starting too many fights.

Eventually

my grades dropped so low

that there was no way for me to pass sophomore year...

so I lashed out

I completely trashed the school...

I graffitied almost all the walls

out and in the school

I egged it

I toilet papered it

and set loose dogs in the school...

before they found out it was me

at school the next day

I got into a really bad fight

with a guy who was making fun of my brother

and I ended up hurting him so bad

that he had to go to the hospital.

I was expelled after that

and because the vandalism was so bad

and putting the damn guy into the hospital

was considered assault and battery

I had to go to juvie for over a month.

I had to repeat sophomore year 

at a different school 

in a different county."

so his brother had died three years a go

not two...

"I should be graduating this year

but no...

Maybe if my dad

hadn't been such an abusive drunk

and actually tried to help

then I would be graduating...

But no. 

Because after I got back from juvie

my dad only beat me worse

and worse

and worse

until my mom started noticing all the bruises

on days that I hadn't been in fights..

she started noticing that my dad was rarely sober...

I think that broke her.

She was barely holding on 

with Beck gone

and with me getting in all sorts of trouble..

But Dad getting drunk

and beating the only kid they had left?

he was supposed to be there for us

he was supposed to support us

he was supposed to help us...

instead,

he lost his job

he stopped talking

he started drinking

and he started beating his son...

the only son he had left.

Damnit,

if I had died instead of Beck,

Dad wouldn't have fallen apart like that.

He wouldn't have become a drunk

and ruined the lives of the people he loved.

I think for a while

Mom was in denial of it even happening

until Dad beat me so badly

I passed out

and had to go to the hospital.

When Mom found out it was Dad 

who put me in the hospital,

he pleaded with her

and apologized,

saying he would stop.

But she wouldn't listen,

because all she saw

was me

bruises and cuts and blood all over

in a hospital bed

angry

upset

alone

hurt

and most of all,

beaten

by his bloody knuckles.

I was her son.

She wouldn't let that continue.

so she-"

he stopped,

tears falling down his cheek,

and I got up off the swing

and pulled him off the swing,

and hugged him.

I let him hold onto me

as he cried and cried and cried

and I closed my eyes,

and buried my face into his chest

breathing in the smell of him.

He smelled like smoke, leather, and peppermint

probably because he smoked today

and then had gum after 

to try to hide the smell.

the leather was his leather jacket

that he wore more often than not

even though it was summer

even though it was blazing hot.

He cried into my shoulder

running his hand through my hair the whole time.

"You can stop, 

if you want"

I whispered,

squeezing him tighter.

"No, I want to tell you everything"

he said,

and then continued.

"My mom..

she called the cops on my dad

and had him arrested.

Before his trial,

though,

he committed suicide.

He left a note

basically apologizing for everything

saying he didn't deserve to live.

he said he just wanted to be with his son again."

he let out a choked laugh

"I guess I wasn't good enough for him.

I never was.

But you want to know why I hate Christianity?

Because why would a loving God

kill my brother,

and turn my own damn dad against me

so that he would beat me continuously 

for a year.?

Why would he let that happen

and do nothing to stop it?

Why would he do that to me?

I figured that after that

he didn't exist

because if he existed

if he wasn't a myth

then he would've stopped everything from happening.

So God is a damn myth.

I hate the idea of him.

He wasn't there

not when I needed him.

He

wasn't 

there..."

he clenched his jaw

gripping me tighter in his arms.

then,

he sighed.

"My mom met Grace's dad

while I was repeating my sophomore year.

Grace and her dad were on vacation in Philadelphia

where the hospital my mom worked at was.

Grace's dad fell down some steps

and broke his arm

and got a concussion.

My mom was the one to take care of him,

and I guess

she fell in love with him...

They decided that after I finished my sophomore year

for the second time

that my mom and I would move down to Florida

with Grace and her dad.

My mom thought it was a good idea

after everything I'd been through,

to get a fresh start

to be somewhere new.

We moved down last summer,

and I was originally at a different high school

but I got kicked out 

for getting into a fight.

So this school is kinda my last chance,

and for my mom

I'm trying not to screw it up.

and that's basically it..."

he said.

"Jax,

I-

I don't know what to say...

I can't say I'm sorry 

because I know

I know

how much that sucks to hear.

Sorry is the worst.

but what happened to you

is horrible.

No one should ever have to go through that."

I said,

looking up at him.

"Yeah...

well I did"

he said,

stepping away from me

shoving his hands into his pockets.

I paused for a second

as he pulled out a cigarette 

and lit it,

leaning against the swing set 

his back to me.

"Jax-

um-

is the leather jacket...

was that Beck's?"

I asked,

not wanting to press too much.

"Yeah"

he said,

taking a drag from his cigarette

not looking at me.

Then,

my phone buzzed.

Grace had texted me,

asking for my address

so she could pick me up for youth group.

It was then that I realized it was after 5,

and that we had been at the park for three hours...

I texted her back,

saying I was at the park.

"Jax,

I'm always going to be here for you,

you know that,

right?"

I told him,

wanting him to talk to me

to not shut me out after he just opened up to me.

"That's what they all say"

and for some reason,

that ticked me off.

"Oh really?

Well I guess you just go around 

telling everyone what you've been through,

huh?

I bet you tell everyone you ever come in contact with

and they all say that they're always going to be there for you,

right?

I guess I'm just another random person

who is just like everyone else

who says they're going to be there

and then isn't.

Yeah,

I get it.

Damnit, Jax!

Why the hell wouldn't I be there for you?

Why would I just say that to you

after all you've been through?

Believe me,

I've had my fair share of fake people,

and I can tell you that I'm not fake.

Yeah,

I tell people I'm fine,

even though I'm not.

which is about as fake as I get

but everyone lies about how they are.

but I'm not going to lie to you

I'm not going to be fake with you.

To be honest,

I'm not fine.

you, 

of all people,

know I'm not fine.

I have panic attacks,

you damn well know that.

You want to know why?

Yeah, 

I know it's not as bad as what you went through,

but I went through a lot too.

After we moved here

Daiha, 

my sister,

started not eating anything

started cutting herself

and believing that no one cared.

I found her in her bathroom

passed out

because she hadn't eaten in days

days,

damnit!

I hadn't been there for her.

And then, 

she had a breakdown at school

and cut herself so many damn times

that she passed out 

and had to go to the hospital.

She almost died.

I think that's when my parents realized

that they weren't there for her anymore

and started hovering around Daiha

always there for her

giving her all the attention.

And I know it's selfish to say 

'what about me?'

when my sister was suicidal

and anorexic

and self harmed.

I knew that

but I yelled at her anyways.

I was so mad at her.

Because after having ignored us for months

they were finally going to pay attention.

finally.

but instead of realizing their mistake

they decided to make another one

on top of a right decision.

They were going to be there

but only for Daiha

the one who was in the hospital all the time.

Who cares about Delilah?

I mean,

if she's not in a hospital,

she must be fine, 

right?

Not.

Because that was right when my friends started to ice me out

and my boyfriend at the time,

Presley,

stopped talking to me

and would stand me up on dates...

Then

on the second worst night of my life

Presley

and all of my so called friends

drugged me

and got me black out drunk.

I don't even remember doing anything that night,

but they did, 

and the whole school,

too,

because they videoed me

and posted it on youtube.

I was the laughing stock of the school....

I still am.

I had woken up the next morning

locked in the janitor's closet,

and was only able to get out late that afternoon

because the janitor came in to school

to pick up his phone

which he had left in the closet.

The worst night of my life,

was the night of the hurricane...

the night I decided to run out in the hurricane

because nobody cared about me...

except one person.

Daiha...

who ran out after me 

into the storm.

Damnit,

it's my fault that she's in a coma.

my fault

all 

my 

fault"

and then I was crying into my hands

and I wasn't breathing

wasn't breathing

wasn't breathing

couldn't breathe 

breathe

breathe

breathe

breathe 

damnit,

breathe!

Then Jax was hugging me

and telling me he was sorry for not believing me

and shushing me,

running his hands through my hair.

My face was in his chest

and I was breathing in his smell

and we stayed like that 

for a long long time,

at least

until Grace came.

"Delilah?

um..

I hate to interrupt,

but are you ready for youth group?"

Grace asked after walking up to Jax and I.

Immediately

Jax stepped away from me

and gave me this look...

it was like he had been punched in the gut.

"youth group?"

he questioned

"yeah, 

Delilah agreed to come to youth group 

with Shane, Ingrid, and I"

Grace replied

before I had a chance to say anything.

the look Jax gave me 

was so heartbreaking..

it was a look of betrayal

as if I had done the one thing

that could hurt him most.

Then,

he turned his back

and started walking away.

"Jax wait!"

I yelled,

starting to run after him

until I was pulled back by Grace.

"Jax please!"

but he kept going, 

and Grace said we needed to go 

or we would be late

and I found myself being pulled away from Jax

towards Grace's car.

"He'll cool off"

Grace said

"Just give him time"

but I wasn't so sure...

______________________

A/N

Okay so super long, drama filled chapter! tell me what you guys think in the comment section! Attached is how I imagine Beck and Jax together before Beck died... 

xoxo,

~Kim~