Jax was at our apartment

for the first time

in a while

nobody else was there

per usual

and I was glad for it

because even though it was rare

whenever both my parents were home

all they ever did was fight.

maybe that's why they rarely come home

maybe that's why they stay at work all the time. 

I don't think my mom 

goes to the country club anymore though

which is a good thing, 

I think

because most of the people there

were stuck up 

rude

and judgemental...

Jax and I 

were watching a movie

I wasn't even sure what it was called

because we weren't really paying that much attention

to the movie anyway.

it was nice,

though, 

because there wasn't anymore school to worry about

which meant I didn't have to see Presley

or Mary

and I didn't have to hear everyone's whispers.

I swear

it was like they didn't have anything better to talk about

even though there was plenty.

but I guess people would rather talk about other people's problems

and other people's issues 

and judge them,

instead of thinking or talking about their own.

god forbid there be something wrong with their lives,

at least,

not that they would admit. 

although to be fair

I would give anything

anything

to be able to pretend like nothing was wrong

to pretend like Daiha wasn't in the hospital

to pretend like my parents were never home

to pretend like they never fought when they were home

to pretend like I didn't have panic attacks 

all the damn time...

but I couldn't do it.

I couldn't pretend.

I never could.

but I was getting better at it

I was fooling Jax and Grace into thinking my panic attacks were going away

that I was getting better

even though Daiha wasn't

I was getting better at pretending 

that I was getting enough sleep

that despite everything

I was getting stronger

because why would I lie to them?

they were the only people I really had.

but I didn't want to be a burden

I didn't want them to get sick of me

of me crying

of my panic attacks

and my incapability 

to hold it together.

it was so much easier

to pretend 

because then 

I wouldn't have to talk about anything

I wouldn't cry all the time

at least

not in front of people.

all that mattered was the people that I cared about

staying around

and I have a feeling 

that they wouldn't for very long

if they knew

if they realized how bad I was getting

which is why I would never tell them,

not while I could hold it back

while I could save them the trouble

they had enough to deal with already

especially Jax,

especially when I could see

that he was getting happier

that he was slowly getting over his brother's death

that he was slowly healing from the wounds his father left.

I could tell

because he smiled so much more

and genuinely laughed..

it made me happy to think

that I could tell the difference 

between his fake laughs

and his real ones

and his fake smiles

and his real ones...

and I could always tell

that his smile was fake when I would go to youth group with Gracie

that he didn't really want me to go

but I went anyway

because I needed the time with Gracie

because it was comforting

because I was curious

especially after what Jax's mom said..

I wanted to know if it was true.

was it true?

did I only have to ask,

for Daiha to wake up?

there had to be a catch.

from what I gathered,

I had to believe

or have some slimmer of faith

the problem was

I didn't have any.

I didn't have much faith in anything, really

it still surprised me every day

when Jax still came around

when Gracie still checked up on me

when Shane always texted and visited...

"Delilah?"

cold fingers on my cheek,

brushing my hair out of my face

brought me from my thoughts

"hmm?"

"you there?"

"what do you mean, am I there?

of course I am,

I'm right here"

I smiled at him,

slightly puzzled

he raised his brow at me

"I must've zoned out"

I said,

wondering exactly how long 

I hadn't been paying attention

"I know"

he furrowed his brow for a second

looking into my eyes

he looked like he was going to say more

but he shook his head

and smiled,

saying

"just tryna bring you back to the real world"

I smiled at him

and he kissed my forehead

he pulled me closer into him

and I closed my eyes

leaning my head on his shoulder

unconsciously breathing in his peppermint and smokey smell

I could forget everything 

just for a little while

when I was in his arms

there was still a dull ache

ever so persistent in my chest

and a pit in my stomach

but I tried to ignore it as I clung to his chest

because even though I could forget everything

I couldn't stop feeling

and all I felt was empty...

it was when I started drifting to sleep 

that Jax had to pull himself away

that Jax had to leave.

he usually could stay longer 

but his cousin was coming to visit

and his cousin, Henry,

was the closest thing Jax had to a brother

ever since Beck died

and I wasn't going to keep Jax from him.

He didn't get to see Henry very often

so when he could visit

they spent as much time together as possible.

Jax invited me to meet him

but I don't think I could keep pretending

not for another couple of hours,

so I kissed Jax quickly

and told him to have fun

it wasn't until I watched him leave

until I couldn't hear his footsteps anymore

until I could see his car drive away from the window

that I let my mask fade

that I let myself curl into a ball

that I let myself fall apart.