56| Saturnalia

"NICOLAS Jesper Montgomery!" I whined, wiggling his feet which were underneath his comforter.

He groaned and turned over to lie on his back, sitting up just barely and glaring at me. "What. The. Fuck. Do. You. Want."

"Good morning to you too, sunshine," I joked.

"Fuck off, you don't get to talk. You're usually the grump in the morning," Nic said, turning back on his side.

"Yeah and you're usually the morning person. I'm surprised. It's 9 and you haven't woken up. What were you doing last night?" I asked, moving to sit at Nic's swivel desk chair.

"Who says I was doing anything last night?" he grumbled.

"The fact that I heard you talking in the wee hours of the night while I tried to go to sleep. And I heard the dishes clanking in the kitchen, which means you were think-eating," I observed.

Nic sat up and swung his legs off the side of the bed, yawning and stretching his arms above his head. "I was think-eating. I made a thoughtful green chili and asiago bread." He stood up and walked over to his window, peeling the curtains open and squinting at the sun. It was surprisingly sunny for a Winter day in New York.

"What were you thinking about?" I asked. "Anything to do with Ava's mother?"

Nic nodded. "Everything to do with Ava's mother." He took a seat in his windowsill and yawned again. "I was texting Butler a bunch. The plan is moving along smoothly and he said he's going to fill out a volunteer application for Cunningham & Co. today. And then I was rambling a bunch so I called him to explain everything we need to do."

I raised my eyebrows and kept my smirk to myself. "You called him?"

Nic groaned. "Yes, T. Just because it's the 21st century doesn't mean I can't call someone."

I shrugged. "I know. Just curious."

"Stop being annoying," Nic muttered. "Anyway, so. I explained it all to him. He's gonna volunteer with C&C and he's gonna get the spot because his application will be bomb. I drafted it for him and everything and lied to say he was majoring in business and blah, blah. The fact that his aunts are in business themselves makes him that much more of a perfect candidate."

"Wow. You're on top of it. When did you draft an entire resume?"

"The day after the Wallstreet party so... 3 days ago?" Nic said, ruffling his hand through his hair. "I thought I'd better get on it. The sooner we figure this out, the less chance there is of another stupid fucking article being published."

That was true. I was actually surprised when, the morning after the party, another article hadn't been published. If Mrs. Cuningham was behind it, it felt like she might have gotten her writer to publish another terrible article after the stunt Ava pulled by showing up to the party alongside me. But there hadn't been another article. Either Mrs. Cunningham hadn't conjured up anything to publish, or she wasn't the one behind all of this. I tried not to think about it, but it was also kind of a big deal.

But it wasn't the big deal I really wanted to think about today. Because I knew that for the past 3 days I hadn't seen Ava, she and her mother had been walking around the house with a lot of tension towards each other. Things weren't great, obviously. I knew Ava well enough to know how strong she was, but I could understand why her mom's cold behavior would upset her.

She'd talked to her dad and Will about the Wallstreet party and they'd both apologized relentlessly for going along with Mrs. Cunningham's rule of "No Ava's allowed". Turns out, it had all been Mrs. Cunningham's doing. The only reason Mr. Cunningham went along with it was because Mrs. Cunningham was acting "batshit crazy, like how she gets when she doesn't get her daily green juice".

Anyway. I wanted to focus less on the bad shit and give Ava something to help her escape. I'd been trying to find something romantic to do around the city, some sort of festival or activity that had to do with the Christmas season, that Ava and I could do together. There were events all around, even some at The Met. But we'd already been to The Met and while she appreciated my fun facts, I didn't think that was the gesture I was looking for. I wanted it to be perfect. Amazing. Something that she could hold onto with me. Something that both of us would remember forever and something that would undoubtedly allow us to forget about the bullshit for a night or so.

And I had very vague ideas. I knew that I wanted it to be so fucking special and that I wanted to spend the night with Ava. I didn't care whether spending the night with her meant just lying in bed together, arms wrapped around each other, or if it meant something more.

And that something more was the gray area I didn't know whether we would cross into or not.

"Well, to forget about the Mrs. Cunningham issue for the time being," I said, "I could use some help figuring out something special to do for Ava tonight."

Nic grinned. "Ah, we're doing a cute Christmas-y romantic gesture? I'm so in. And let me guess... We're starting from a blank slate and you've got nothing?"

I snapped my fingers in his direction. "Bingo."

Nic rolled his eyes and stood up, motioning for me to follow him. I stood up and followed him as we headed out of his room and downstairs towards the kitchen. Nic went to open the fridge immediately and pulled out a carton of eggs, then shuffled around the kitchen to grab a pan and other supplies he needed to scramble eggs.

"I'm going to key you in on a little Nicolas Montgomery secret," Nic said while he cracked eggs into a mixing bowl. "It's simple: the big gesture only matters if you mean it in your entire heart. So, you have to look in your entire heart and see what stands out when it comes to Ava. What exactly does she mean to you? How much does she mean to you? And then you take all of those feelings, all of those cutesy little things you love about her, and you put them into a grand gesture that will show her just how much you love her."

I raised my eyebrows while Nic poured eggs into the hot pan on the stove. How was it that my little brother seemed to know more about love than I did when he'd never even spoken about being in love before?

"Have you been in love, Nic?" I asked, being nosy. I said there were no more secrets between us and I think this qualified.

"No," Nic admitted, sounding serious and genuine. "I just have a sixth sense when it comes to certain things. And thus, I am the perfect person to help you out."

I shrugged and sat down on top of the counter. "Okay. So... I love Ava with everything inside of me. And... she feels like home. She feels like... every missing piece of myself I've been without for years. Like drowning and coming up for air, like falling 100 feet from the ground and suddenly having wings, like, I don't know... Like I never really knew what home meant until I met Ava."

"Fucking damn," Nic said, shaking his head as he whisked the eggs in the pan. "And you want to surprise her with...?"

"Something that's just between us. Something so intimate and meaningful it makes her forget about her mother and anything bad and we can just be together. I don't want anyone else to have what we have."

Nic looked up at me, grinning. "Holy shit. You are in so deep," he said. "But I think we have our idea."

I raised my eyebrows. "We do?"

"We do," Nic said. "Something that no one else will have besides the two of you. Damn, Theo. We're creating this shit from scratch. This will be one hell of a holy grail of grand gestures. And it'll all be right here in our own backyard."

❥❥❥

My mother didn't flat-out ignore me when my dad was around. I could tell the only reason she didn't was because my dad would have taken the matter up with her, and he would have said she was acting a bit too harsh. Which was true. It seemed more and more like my mother was putting on an act around my father, still being pretty openly upset with me but not enough to send any red flags in his direction. I hated thinking of my mother as being openly manipulative, but I couldn't see past it at the moment when she was a burning fire of rage around me and a mere preheated oven when my dad was around.

I was growing to hate the moments my mother spent at home.

I loved being at home. Loved the city, loved my dad, loved Will. When my mother wasn't home, wasn't openly scrutinizing me, or sending me icy glances, I felt like I could finally breathe around my other family members. But otherwise, I was suffocating in the place that was meant to be called "home".

When Theo texted me to tell me he was outside of the apartment building waiting for me and to get dressed in something warm, I practically jolted out of my bed and came to life. I'd been hiding out in my room because my mother was home and watching HGTV in the living room with my dad. Will was pretending to be out with theater friends, but I knew he was seeing Matteo somewhere just outside of town to avoid being seen at all. It took me no time to get changed in a big sweater with my hair pulled back into a low bun.

I left my room with my keys in one hand and phone in the other, barely stopping in the living room entry.

"I'm going out with Theo," I told my parents. I could see my mom tense up but keep her eyes fixed on the Property Brothers while my dad looked over and smiled widely.

"Have fun, Ava," he told me, then pointed a finger at me and pretended to be disciplinary. "No funny business."

I saluted him. "Yes sir." I turned and left the penthouse, getting a text from my dad as I descended down the elevator.

DAD: Tell Theodore I say hello!

I smiled and put my phone back in my pocket. My mother knew that dad wasn't very mad about the whole Theo situation, but that didn't mean my dad was super open about legitimately liking Theo around her. I wished he would be, but the fact that he approved of and liked Theo was enough.

My heart danced inside of my chest when the doors to the elevator opened and I spotted Theo waiting inside the lobby wearing a white shirt with a tan sweater-material cardigan over top, his hair messy and ruffly as always, and the biggest fucking smile on his face. I felt like I was in the middle of a rom-com and I could run over to him and jump in his arms and he would spin me around and then bring me to the ground and kiss me hard, with no hesitation.

But he greeted me with a blindfold.

"Two seconds ago I thought this might actually be a Hallmark Christmas romance movie," I said when I stopped in front of him. "Now I'm leaning more towards a horror film."

"It's a Hallmark Christmas romance horror film. One where the exquisitely handsome boyfriend who is charming and witty like no other ends up kidnapping his girlfriend and taking her to, dun, dun, dun..." Theo paused and eyed the lobby suspiciously before he looked back at me, "...a murderous fake-Santa meet-and-greet!"

"Now that isn't something I've heard of before," I said. "But I'd watch the movie."

"Why watch it when you can live it?" he joked, then held out the blindfold towards me. "Of course, if you want to live that movie, then you'll have to find a different boyfriend."

"Well, what kind of movie do I get to live through with you?" I asked.

Theo grinned even wider and took my hand in his, lifting it up to his mouth to kiss my knuckles. "The cheesy Hallmark romance movie during Christmastime. The one where the boyfriend doesn't even think of killing the girlfriend and really, they just have a montage of cheesy snowball fights, ice skating clumsily, drinking hot chocolate, and making out under the Christmas tree in Times Square."

I raised my eyebrows. "Is that what we're doing?"

Theo shook his head. "It's so much better than that. Or, at least, I hope it is." He stopped trying to hand me the blindfold and instead moved his arms around me to put it on himself.

"And how can I be sure that you really aren't going to kill me?"

"First of all, I think we both know if anyone here would be killing the other, you'd be the one killing me," Theo said with a low chuckle, and I couldn't help but laugh back in agreement. "And second of all," his lips pressed to my mouth before I felt his hot breath by my ear, "do you trust me?"

Yes. Months ago the answer would have been a simple and concise and easy No. And even though I still had fears, as most do in relationships, of getting hurt, I couldn't even think about my fears when I was with Theo. Because I think part of loving someone so fully, so much that your heart explodes a little each time you see them, is learning to trust them to hold your heart in your hands and nurse it with the same care and tenderness you would to theirs.

"Don't ask stupid questions," I said to him and loved the way his laugh felt against my neck.

He took my hand. "Then trust me," he said. "Because this is most definitely not going to end with me murdering you."

❥❥❥

I had no idea where Theo was taking me and it thrilled me at the same time as it caused me extreme anxiety. I wanted nothing more than to spend tonight with Theo, be with him wherever he planned, so long as we were together. It was still the most unbearable cliché thing ever: riding in a car with Theo as I was blindfolded and completely unaware of our location. I was completely unsure of where we were or where we were headed, but if anything could make me sure it was Theo's hand in mine the entire time, his soft whispers and lips brushing against my cheek.

As opposed to first meeting Theo and realizing I was developing feelings for him, I no longer felt so much as a hint of uncertainty when I was with him. There was no need to question whether being with him, holding his hand, kissing him, touching him was okay or not. Because undoubtedly, it was all perfectly okay. The anxiety I felt tonight had nothing to do with Theo and everything to do with the fact that he'd planned something I was completely in the dark about. But no. With Theo there was no wondering, no skepticism, nothing. I was completely one-hundred percent enamored with him and we were completely one-hundred percent meant to be here together right now.

I could feel it when the car stopped and Theo thanked the driver. His hand slipped from mine and I heard a car door close, then heard the one beside me open and Theo's familiar hand was back grasping mine in an instant. He helped me up and out of the car.

"I'll lead you so that you don't accidentally run into anything," Theo said, "but the blindfold must stay on."

I suppressed a groan and then Theo's lips were on mine even though I couldn't see him, and I no longer cared about the stupid blindfold. I melted into Theo's body and lips like a fucking stick of butter in the microwave and I didn't even care. Melting into another person didn't make me weaker or mean that I was reliant on him, it just meant that I was fucking enchanted by the love I held for him inside of me. And that was its own striking phenomenon.

When his lips left mine he whispered, "Let's not waste any more time, Juliet," and with our hands clasped, he led me and I complied, walking in step behind him.

"It's kind of cold," I said.

"Yes, but the closer we get, the warmer it will be," he said. "Ava, do you know the origins of Christmas?"

"Erm... Something about Jesus?"

Theo made a buzzer noise. "Wrong," he said as we turned a corner and his other hand rested on my lower back. "Saturnalia was a festival in Ancient Rome. It was pretty much the most anticipated event of the year during the Winter solstice. Saturn is the God of time and agriculture, so the Romans would all celebrate by lighting candles and exchanging gifts and stuff. This all started around 133 to 31 BC. A lot of the traditions we have now on Christmas were things taken from Saturnalia. Besides, the Jesus story isn't even a fact, you know. December 25th was never mentioned in the Bible and a lot of people who've studied believe Jesus was born in the Spring. I wouldn't know much about it, but I know plenty about Saturnalia."

"Of course you do," I said, smiling. "Because it's just so completely niche and Theodore Montgomery III-esque."

"And incredibly Roman, don't forget," he added. I could just hear the smug smile on his face. "During Saturnalia, social roles were reversed. Masters catered to their slaves, the wealthier population paid for the poor, and regular families legitimately rolled dice to get the chance to temporarily become the Saturnalian Monarch. You and your family could roll the dice and become royalty for a week."

"Damn," I said. "That would be so insane. Imagine doing that in America but with the presidency."

"A shit-show," Theo said with a chuckle.

"Saturnalia doesn't sound so bad, though."

"Until you look at it as a different version of The Purge. I read an article that called it that. I mean, people don't go off breaking the laws and murdering each other, but all social order is tossed right out the window and replaced with leisurely chilling out and drinking," Theo explained. "Still doesn't sound so bad, you're right. It's basically a week where everything stops, all stressful things go away, and nothing but serenity and love fills the atmosphere."

"So, are we secretly going to a Saturnalia festival?" I asked and Theo laughed. "Because it sounds great, don't get me wrong. But you know I don't drink and I also don't know how I feel about forgetting all social order and moving towards almost complete anarchy."

"No need to worry, Ava, there's no Saturnalia in New York City," Theo said. "And I didn't recreate the festival, either. I don't even think that would work unless I invited a shit ton of people and made it a whole party. But like I said, tonight is just our night. No one else, no interruptions."

Wes stopped walking and I felt Theo move to stand behind me, both of his hands now on my shoulders and his breath hot on my neck. "Just us," he whispered, placing a soft kiss just below my ear. And then he was untying the blindfold and it fell to the ground.

It was Theo's backyard, more specifically the large gazebo in the middle of their orchard, decked out in festive Christmas lights. All of the trees in the backyard were decorated with tinted yellow lights as well, and the gazebo was different from the one I'd talked to Nic in the last time I had been here. This one was right outside of their house and tucked away into the orchard. There was a fireplace in the large gazebo, blankets on the floor, candles surrounding half of the floor, which I thought was a total fire hazard until we got closer and I realized they were fake. Still, it was gorgeous. The orchard mixed with the flower patches that surrounded the white gazebo made everything even more perfect. Theo's hands dipped down to my waist.

"So," Theo said, "better or worse than Saturnalia?"

I was almost so blown away by Theo's gesture that I didn't respond. But I managed to find the words and mutter, "Better." In my head I was thinking, so much fucking better.

"My family is out for most of the night at their own party. Nic is along with them. He helped me set this up, I have to give a little credit," Theo admitted. "But it was my idea. I said I wanted something that was special to us. Not a generic Christmas festival in the city that everyone else attends, not Saturnalia. This is just ours. Our own festival tucked away from the rest of the city. Because as much as I want to show you off to the world and spin you around in front of everyone and proclaim how much I love Juliet Ava Cunningham... I'm still selfish. And I kind of want you all to myself. This is our own little festival-not-really-a-festival. Our own place where maybe not all social order goes away, but any stress does. Peace, serenity, and love only."

Not a generic festival, not a Christmas tradition everyone in the world shared, not Saturnalia. This was just ours. It belonged to us and only us. Just me and Theo and no one else existed at this moment. As far as I was concerned, nothing else mattered barring the fact I was with Theo and able to spin around, kiss him, hold him closer, and tell him just how much this made me fucking love him. This was the guy who had once seemed like such a child, who had seemed like a territory to never cross. And now he was the guy who wrote me letters, who spewed out historical facts like an encyclopedia (a Theo-saurus), who said he would build me a mausoleum, and who was now standing with me in the backyard of his family's home, a decked-out and gorgeous gazebo waiting for us, telling me that this was our very own Saturnalia, our very own festival; it was something no one would ever have besides us. And that, above anything else, is what made my eyes water just a little before I spun around and kissed Theo like we were the only two people on the entire planet because right now, we fucking were.

When I pulled away, Theo cradled my face in his hand and looked at me with those emerald eyes and raised his eyebrows.

"Ava Cunningham," he said my name so gently that I melted even more, "did I make you cry?"

"Oh shut up. Shut right up," I said, kissing him one more time.

"So this is a good surprise then?" he asked and I shoved him a little, causing him to laugh. "Okay, so that's a yes. I just... I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, Ava. Because you mean the world to me. No, you know–you don't just mean the world to me, you are the world to me. Ava, we're here. We're in New York City in the backyard of the house I grew up in surrounded with a shit ton of fairy lights during Christmas and it's romantic as fuck and I just need you to know that I love you and I always will. You haven't just been the first girl I've ever loved, you're the first person who has ever gotten through to me, who has shown me how to grow without wanting to change me. I'm the same Theo I've always been, Ava, I'm just like... a thousand times better with you and I think it's because, no–I know it's because I've finally found my way home. And you, Ava Cunningham, are my fucking home. Never forget it."

I stared into Theo's eyes with something new inside of me that I wasn't sure how to explain or put into words. But I looked into his eyes, noticing the glimmer of truth and happiness and hope and everything wonderful; noticing how beautifully his eyes bored into mine, and it didn't matter how fiercely we stared into each other's eyes in otherwise complete silence: I could tell that we were both equally as beautiful in each other's eyes and this was the feeling I wanted to hold onto. Because this moment, as nothing at all was happening, I knew my love for Theo was so fucking real, not a placebo, and that he had just completely unwound me and made me want things I hadn't even thought I'd ever truly want. This wasn't placebo love, this was the real thing. This was forever love. This was holy-shit-I'm-losing-my-mind-and-I-don't- think-my-heart-will-ever-let-go-of-the-stupid-wonderful-face-in-front-of-me love.

But I looked at him and I wanted. And I loved. So much. So hard. Meeting Theo had opened up a new world for me and here I was, standing amongst it, so fucking in love and most definitely in a Hallmark movie.

"I think you lied."

Theo's eyes widened and he was suddenly confused. "What?"

"I think you lied," I repeated, stepping closer to him, always stepping closer. "You said tonight was most definitely not going to involve murder. But you just murdered me, Theodore. You murdered me with love and I don't think I'll ever recover."

Theo breathed out in relief. "Oh good. Cause for a second there I thought that I'd messed something up and–"

I cut him off with a kiss that stopped time and killed the cold and when I pulled away to kiss his cheek and his jaw and underneath his ear and his neck and his collarbone and shoulder and everywhere my mouth could touch, I only stopped to say, "I love you to for-fucking-ever," and then kissed him gently on the mouth again, "never forget it."

❥❥❥

Me @ Ava right now ^^ I would like to split the Theo. Thank you very much.

Theo.

Damn.

He has stepped up his GAME. And of course baby Nicolas helped him out a little. COME ON YALLLLLLL.

I love this chapter with my whole heart. Y'all know Ava and Theo are on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL of just pure love. And it's everything we've ever wanted and more.

The levels of cute shit are just... rising.

And so is the drama. STAY FUCKIN TUNED.