The silence was unbearable as Cayden continued to stare at me with his piercing brown eyes. He was deep in his own thoughts. The wind whipped by the thin window outside. The floor creaked as I shifted my weight. The anxiety was like over- caffeination, but without the option to not drink a cup. So, I was all hyped up with no escape. My stomach tightened as Cayden stepped toward the door.

I watched as he left the room and turned to follow him. We entered the empty living room, and I sat down on the old couch, resting my elbows on my knees. I ran my hands through my hair as Cayden paced back and forth in front of the T.V.

My eyes watched his dark boots as he walked across the wooden floor with heavy steps. As the silence drug on, my mind started to drift, and the past couple of days with Adrienne invaded my thoughts.

She knew more about me than any of my so-called "brothers" did. I trusted her, but I was waiting for her to trust me. I wanted to break down her stone walls completely. My relationship with her was unlike any of my previous ones. It was real.

My thought was interrupted when Cayden cleared his throat. My eyes flashed open and landed on him. He stopped pacing and stood with his hands behind his back. He hung his head, but a twisted smile sat on his face. Holiday and Damen had also entered without disturbing the stillness in the room. Damen sat on the arm of the couch to my left, and Holiday fell in the open space next to me. After the long silence, Cayden spoke.

"Alright. This is a simple, yet important task. I'm hoping you guys can accomplish it. Holiday and Damen, I want you to escort Spencer into Eastside territory. Your task is to get the pigs to discover Chris's body. I want the Eastside to be blamed for the crime. Carve Eastside into his arm or write a message in his blood. It will get the police off our backs and out of our territory. Plus, it'll be nice to get back at the Eastside." His eyes scanned us.

"Since you've been so efficient at getting jobs done, it should be easy to cause commotion. Holiday has experience from Tick and Eddie in terrorizing the police, so you should be able to get them to show up without any issues," he added.

I tilted my head as my eyes narrowed on him. "Why have you been on the laws so hard, Cayden?" I wanted him to tell the truth.

His dark eyes landed on me. "I want Chief Jackson to know that gang violence in this city will never end. There is no escape."

Holiday tensed beside me. The anxiety radiated from him as his hands clenched into fists. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and then turned my head to look at Damen, who had a smile on his face as he played with his switchblade. He ran his chubby fingers along the edge of it, testing its sharpness. My attention returned to Cayden as I rose from my seat.

"Yes, sir. We'll get the job done." My eyes met his dark ones. I took a couple of steps over toward the door. "Is there anything else we need to know?"

Cayden shrugged his shoulders. "Get your emotions in check. There's no room for weakness in the Southside. You are heading into enemy territory. You show fear, and they will eat you alive. They're out for blood after I killed J-Man during our last attack."

J-Man was the Eastside's leader. He ordered the attack on James. Cayden took care of him. I thought the turf war had been a failure, but he accomplished the task. I bowed my head to him at the mention of my emotions. I was a wreck on the inside, but it couldn't show.

"You'll also have the police on you. They will shoot on sight if they have reason."

My body stiffened as his words sank in. He hinted at something dark. There was a chance I might not return tonight. This could be my last night. My last few hours of life. The first thing that crossed my mind was I might never get to see Adrienne again.

My heart sank. I was stabbed in the chest, and my assailant was trying to pry my heart out. This heartbreak felt cold like concrete drying in my chest. My shoulders tensed as I stood in the doorway. I was strong. I was a Southsider; I had been trained for this moment. Cayden needed me to do this. He needed me to risk my life. All so he could prove a point to chief Jackson.

For the first time, there was a twinge of regret in the pit of my stomach. As much as I hated the thought of never seeing Adrienne again, this was who I had become. I was loyal to the brotherhood. I vowed my life to them. I had to bury my emotions because there were no other options. I let out a soft sigh as I came to terms with my possible fate.

"I'm counting on you, Spencer. This is your moment. Show me you're cut out to be a lieutenant." His voice echoed over my shoulder as I continued out the door.

When I reached the bottom of the fire escape, I let out a loud grumble of frustration. I kicked a trashcan hard and let it rattle onto the pavement. The contents spilled out in the alley. I slammed my fist against the brick.

I had always wanted to be Cayden's OG. I wanted to use my status in the gang to get out of the streets. My dream was to use the money and the power to shift the drug trade to the Southside, but I was growing tired of risking my life for someone who kept secrets. Now, he was using me to send a message to the police. I was a pawn in his revenge against Chief Jackson, and that put Adrienne in danger.

The chilly Chicago air didn't phase me; it couldn't cool the boiling blood in my veins. Damen and Holiday joined me and awaited my direction. I took a deep breath as I thought about the possibilities of tonight.

One, I could die. If I died, I'd never get the chance to tell Adrienne goodbye. She was the only person in my life I truly cared about. Two, I could not die and life would continue on as normal; however, my chances of survival seemed slim. That's when I made my decision. I started walking in the direction of Adrienne's house.

Damen grabbed me, and his fingers dug into my arm, yanking me to a stop."Where the hell are you going?" he growled.

He had never spoken to me like that before, and he was completely out of line. I glared at him. Holiday was beside me. He had been following without hesitation.

"I need to tell her bye. If I die out here on these streets, I want her to see her one last time. She deserves to hear from me." I yanked my arm from his grasp.

Damen sighed as he watched me, his eyes analyzing my face. "Damn, Spence. This girl has you wrapped around her finger."

I gritted my teeth and glared at him, stepping forward until we were standing toe-to-toe. I towered over his short frame. "She's not just a girl. She has a name, bro," I snarled, pushing my hand against his chest. My anger started to flare inside me again.

"Dawg, her name don't matter at this point in time. The thing that matters is that she's gotten into your head and made you weak." He shoved me back a few steps. "What happened to wanting to be an OG? What happened to the operation you had planned out once you achieved that rank? You're putting your hard work down the drain. You're just saying fuck it, huh?"

"I'm going to go through with the plan, Damen. I am committed to my brothers and my plan for the brotherhood, but I also have a commitment to myself and to her. Just let me say bye," I mumbled, glaring at him.

Damen pulled out his switchblade, holding it in the space between us, the edge of it brushing against my shirt. My eyes narrowed at him.

"We can't waste time with this, homie," Damen barked.

I turned my back on him."Yes, we can. Let me handle my business, Damen. I don't need a babysitter." Holiday shoved me a couple of steps to the left.

He moved in between my back and the thrust of Damen's blade, taking a cut to the arm. The blood leaked from his wound. It dripped down his forearm as he wrapped his other hand around it. He winced from the pain. I turned to meet eyes with Damen and shove him back away from Holiday.

"Dammit, bro," I snarled, as my eyes scanned him.

Damen's expression fell. His face twisted with regret. His hands dropped to his side. I turned my back on him again and helped Holiday tend to his wound.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I did, Spencer. You have your head on straight, and Damen doesn't need to question you. Go do what you need to do. We'll be here," Holiday said his face contorted with sorrow.

My eyes met his. "Keep the pressure on it, and keep an eye on him until I get back. It shouldn't take that long." Holiday patted my shoulder with his good arm and smiled at me, showing his crooked teeth.

"Go on, man. Be lucky you have someone to say bye to. I'll talk to Damen." He released my shoulder and turned to walk over by Damen.

I watched as spoke to him, and Holiday's voice was filled with anger. I could hear his voice well after they had faded into the darkness. The sun had sunk behind the tall buildings and lit up the sky in a bright pink hue. The thin layers of clouds stretched across the sky like spider webs and tried to hide the moon.

The air was still around me, and it was cold, very cold. Winter was creeping along the edge of the city, waiting for the right time to engulf it in an endless snow. A shiver ran down my spine, and I could see my breath in the small puffs.

I pulled my phone out and tapped on Adrienne's message thread. I hit the number and waited, placing the phone to my ear. I tilted my head to avoid the blasts of wind from causing static during the call. Suddenly, her voice on the other end caused my heart to jump.

"Hello?" Her voice was deep as if she had just woken from her nap.

"Adrienne. Hey, its Spence." I stood on the sidewalk, my free hand shoved into my pocket.

Adrienne's voice seemed to perk up. "Spencer! Are you okay? You never showed up to school today."

I avoided her question."Do you mind if I come over? I really need to see you." I had to hide the pain in my voice.

My whole body ached with an overwhelming sadness. I needed to see her, but I also had to tell her goodbye. If something happened to me tonight, I had to make sure that it would be as painless as possible for her.

She seemed to fumble with the phone for a minute before she answered, "Yes, of course. You know where I live. I'll see you soon. Please be careful."

I headed in the direction of her house. The night settled on Chicago, and the only source of light cascaded down from the flickering street lights. The wind whipped down the street and howled as it blasted past me. I clicked the red "end call" button and turned on my heels to cross the street, being careful to avoid traffic. I headed down the familiar path to her apartment with my hands in my pockets.

Once I arrived, I jogged up the steps and stopped in front of her door. My mind raced. I needed to make her understand she was better off without me. I was a bad person and a terrible influence on her. The more time she spent around me, the more danger I put her in. I promised her I would never let anything happen to her, and this was the only way I could keep that promise, even if it killed me inside.

I placed my elbows on the railing and stared out at the street. I took in a sharp breath of the cool air and closed my eyes.

This was going to be the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. I had to say goodbye to the girl who brought happiness back into my life. In just a few short months, she had forced my emotions to the surface. She allowed me to feel human again. I wasn't just part of the Southside gang when I was with her; I was my own person.

To make tonight easier on her, I had to become the most convincing actor. I had to make her hate me. I hung my head and defeat overcame me. After a minute of collecting my thoughts, I pushed away from the rail and faced the door. I held my hand up to knock on it, hesitating for a moment, before I did it.

Within seconds, the door was pulled open, and she was standing in front of me. She was an angel. She was a pure light in this dark world.

My heart raced when she smiled, and my palms grew sweaty. She closed the distance between us and forced her body against mine in a tight hug. My breath caught in my throat as I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me. If this was going to be the last time I got to hold her, I was going to savor this moment. It felt so good to be with her again. I buried my face in her hair. The sweet scent of coconuts had become my favorite.

She pulled away and looked up at me."It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too, baby girl." My arms were loose around her waist. I wasn't ready to let go of her yet.

"Are you going to tell me why you didn't show up to school?"

I shook my head. "No. I don't want to talk about it."

Her blue eyes sparkled, and her blonde hair was messy, pulled up in a loose ponytail. The wind blew a few strands around her face. "But Spence . . . ," she begged.

"You keep things from me, so let me keep this one to myself, Adrienne." I didn't want to explain today's events.

She opened her mouth to protest but then closed it. Her eyes met mine, and she smiled. "Fine. I'll give you this one." She shivered.

I turned my body to block her from the wind.

"Do you want to come in? My aunt went to a girlfriend's house, and my uncle had to stay at the station late," she offered as she grabbed both my hands.

I stared at her. I wanted nothing more than to accept her offer and spend the rest of the night with her. I wanted to hold her in my arms and forget about the world around me. I wanted the gang to disappear, Cayden to disappear, and this mission to disappear. I glanced down at my feet, trying to hide the pain that surfaced on my face.

I was pissed at Cayden for sending me on this mission. This death march.

"Spence, what's wrong?" she asked, reaching out to touch my face, her hand warm against my skin.

I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket as she forced me to look at her. "I can't stay with you, Adrienne." The words left a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Why not? You already came all the way over here." Frustration was evident on her face. Her eyebrows furrowed together.

I closed my eyes. "I want to come inside with you, but I can't," I said through gritted teeth.

"Why not?"

I kept my eyes on the ground. I would lose it if I looked at her. "Because I have to tell you something." I exhaled a breath.

She stepped forward. "Then tell me, Spence." She placed her hands on my face.

I took a deep breath. "I've been playing games with you . . . This," I said, motioning between us. "Was all a joke. Some guys from the gang bet me that I couldn't sleep with you in two months."

Adrienne stepped away from me and her hands dropped from my face. She shook her head as she stared at me in disbelief. Her blue eyes darkened and she tilted her head. "Ha-Ha. You're funny." She smiled as she pushed my shoulder.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm not joking." I shoved my hands in my pockets.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, you are. Come on, Spence. After everything we've talked about and everything we've been through, you expect me to believe it was all for a bet?"

I gritted my teeth. Why did she have to be so stubborn?

"Yes. You were an easy way to win some money from the boys."

She glared at me. "So, you're really saying this was all for a bet?"

"Yes," I lied.

"You told me you wanted to change my impression of you. You told me about you killing that woman. That's not something you just share with someone unless you trust them," she said as she placed her hands on her hips.

I tried my best to be harsh. "Sometimes, you say things to get what you want. People are easy to manipulate." I shrugged. My hands were clenched into fists inside my pockets as I tried to control the tremor.

"So, you didn't kill that woman?" she asked as her eyes watched me.

I glared at her. I had finally put that behind me. "I did." My jaw locked.

"Then why did you tell me?"

I glanced at the pavement between us. "Lapse of judgement I guess."

"But I thought there was something between us, Spence. The past few months have been some of the best. You've put a spark back into my life, and shown me it's possible to start over."

I didn't look up at her.

"I don't believe you. You have to be lying," she pleaded, although I couldn't tell if it was with me or herself.

The muscle in my jaw ached. I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her how I felt when she touched me. I wanted to tell her I had feelings for her that I've never had for anyone else, but then I remembered my mission. It would be better this way.

I let out a sharp breath. "No. I'm not lying, Adrienne. I told you I'm not a good guy. I warned you. You were just too naïve to see it." I looked back to her face.

The sobs were stifled at first as she attempted to hide her grief, then overcome by the wave of emotions she broke down entirely, all her defenses washed away in salty tears. She wiped away the first couple as she glared at me. She was hurt by my words.

"Well, looks like Jena was right after all. You're a sorry excuse for a human. You only care about yourself. I'm glad you have the gang because you don't have me anymore."

"Adrienne," I pleaded, but she sharply cut me off.

She stepped back into her apartment. "You won the bet. Now, get the fuck off my porch, Spencer," she demanded. She folded her arms across her chest. The pain was clear in her voice.

My whole world was falling apart, crumbling beneath me. I was shattered. My heart was torn in two pieces. I was loyal to my gang, but I was heartbroken.

"I won't bother you anymore." I turned to step down the stairs. The door slammed shut behind me and I knew my job was done.

It hurt me to see her cry. I hated to see her hurting. I'd lied to protect her, but that didn't make me feel any better. I reached the bottom of the stairs and slipped down an alley, throwing myself against the wall. I hit it hard with my palm and yelled out in frustration.

I turned and put my back against the brick, sliding down it. I put my head between my knees and closed my eyes. My thoughts were a mess and swirled around in my head. I focused on my breathing.

I was only sadness, every other emotion pushed from my being. Where there was love, light, and laughter was an aching hollowness. Why was this so hard? She was just a girl. Yes, she made me feel things, but there are other girls in the world. Right?

I shook my head as my body trembled in frustration. I hated myself for allowing her to get caught up in my fucked-up life. I wished with everything in me for her to be better. I wanted her to forget about me and move on. I wanted to erase her pain, and the only way for that to happen was for me to die tonight.