"You are at war with yourself.
Caught between what you truly are,
And what you're supposed to be."

BUCKY

He was so close.

Everything kept replaying in his head. He was going to pull himself up to the roof to save Nadine. He'd grabbed Kaia and pulled her away from gunfire when a flash of orange exploded over them. The ground rumbled beneath them, like a giant serpent was crawling underneath. The men started shooting before he could even react and Kaia convinced Bucky to flee.

He was so close to saving her.

Now, they were sitting across from each other in another tiny room in Istanbul. Bucky was sewing Kaia's injury up in hopes that she wouldn't bleed out. Fortunately for her, he was able to extract the bullet, which didn't hit any major arteries. Nonetheless, the woman was still weakened from the blood loss and though Bucky didn't doubt his abilities to stitch wounds up, he still considered that the best option was getting her checked to ensure that she was properly taken care of.

The silence was killing him. Nadine's absence hurt more than someone crushing his chest inwards.

"There," he muttered under his breath. Kaia blew out a breath, her left hand loosening the grip it had on the armrest to grab the bottle of alcohol on her lap and took selfish gulps. "Jesus, Kaia, take it easy."

She made a face as she swallowed the hard drink, her dark skin shining with sweat. Her eyes looked at him, then at the gauze in his hand. "M-Merde... Are you finished?"

Even injured, Kaia Labonair was difficult to read. She only seemed disgusted by the poor choice of liquor that was comforting her during this ordeal. It irritated him that she didn't even seem to be angry at Nadine's disappearance. "I just need to patch it up," he replied, hoping he didn't sound too harsh. The hot lump in his throat made it difficult to be civil.

"There was no other choice," she said suddenly. He was trying to ignore that she was staring at him as he cut the gauze.

"Kaia," Bucky warned. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want her to reason with him. What good was there? Nadine was still gone.

And if he was being honest, part of him blamed the French woman. He knew his anger was misplaced, but his head wouldn't stop thinking about all the possible ways he could have helped Nadine escape if it wasn't for Kaia convincing him to follow through with the plan.

Another part blamed Nadine, too. Nadine, with her reckless need to throw herself in harm's way, especially if it meant the salvation of others. He loathed that she always seemed to be ready to get shot, that she didn't seem to fear death.

Kaia's gaze didn't lower. Instead, he felt like she was challenging him, but not in the way Nadine or Emilia would. "You know it's true, Soldat. There was no other choice."

The contrasts between the three women were noticeable in moments like these when they felt threatened. Nadine's gaze, for example, could be soul-crushing, destructive and unpredictable like a time bomb; it could make even the toughest men flinch and think twice about crossing her. Emilia's, on the other hand, reminded Bucky of a viper- malicious and devilish, like she was itching to let the venom drip from her lips and poison the person that dared to go against her. But Kaia's gaze was unnerving and sharp like a blade. With steely eyes, she let you think you had the upper hand, when in reality she was cutting you open as she weaponized your flaws without you noticing until it was too late. Despite those differences, there was no doubt that all three of them were unyielding forces to be reckoned with.

"There's always another choice..." he replied softly, silently cursing himself for his uncertainty. She was reeling him in without even trying.

"Soldat."

"Kaia," he repeated, this time in a more forceful tone. He respected her greatly, but he didn't want to hear whatever justification she had for leaving Nadine. "I don't want to hear it."

"Do you think I wanted to leave her?" she asked, her tone quiet. She still held that look on her face, like he was merely another puzzle she needed to solve. "Do you think it is not killing me?"

Bucky placed the gauze on her shoulder, his jaw clenching as he tried to hold back his thoughts. "Could have fooled me."

"Mords ta langue, Soldat," Kaia seethed and it took Bucky a second to process the sudden outburst. His eyes flickered upwards and he noticed her face contorted in clear anger as she glared at him. It was the first time Bucky had ever seen her so openly angry. "Do not think for a second that I didn't love Nadine as well."

"Why did you convince me to leave?" he asked, his tone lacking anger and more so desperation. He needed to know. "Why?! You knew I could have helped!"

"Because I made her a promise."

"Of what?"

Kaia gave him a look, like the answer was obvious. "Are you going to force me to say it?"

It took him a second, but he put the pieces together. Nadine made her promise to protect him, if it came down to it. She knew that if her life was in danger he wouldn't hesitate to risk his safety as well.

Damn it, Nadine. Every time that he thought she was done protecting him, something else resurfaced. Part of him loved it, but most of him was furious that she continued to do this.

"I was the promise," he said, bile forming in his throat as he closed his eyes to process. Every time he shut them, though, he could see the orange blast of that explosion. He could hear the pain in Nadine's voice as she'd been shot. He could see all of the mistakes they made which led them here.

Kaia's hand circled around his wrist to stop the trembling. When he looked up, her eyes were no longer holding that steely gaze, only sadness. "Oui. You are her love, Bucky."

His name felt like a pang on his chest. Kaia rarely called him that, seeing as she'd grown accustomed to calling him soldat as a joke. "I lost Dant-I was not going to risk your safety, and, if I am being honest, I was not going to lose you, too."

Silence enveloped them once again as Bucky finished patching up her wound, not being able to meet her eyes. The burst of anger had made her finally let go of the calm façade, and it was heartbreaking. Her gaze was lost, staring at nothing in particular as tears fell down her gaunt face. Because of her cool demeanor, it was easy to forget that she cared, but now that she was crumbling, it was as clear as day. And Kaia didn't just lose Nadine, she lost Dante and Taj as well. Three people she harbored deep connections with were gone in an instant. Bucky felt like such a dick for insinuating that she didn't care, or for not even considering that she didn't want to lose him as well.

He helped her put her shirt on, careful not to move her injured arm. "I'm sorry," he muttered, taking the liquor bottle away and helping her up. She was almost his height, probably like two inches shorter, if he had to guess. This made it difficult to avoid her gaze.

"I had a sister," she said eventually, motioning towards the bed. "Adelaide."

He quickly helped her onto the bed, ensuring that she had a pillow to rest her back. Once she was settled, he set himself down across from her. "My sister was named Adelaide. She was beautiful and had much personality. My father owed a man money, because you do not gain the influence that he has on ethics alone. Especially as a child of an immigrant in France."

She proceeded to explain how her sister was murdered. Her father made a deal with terrible men, and when they came to collect, they threatened Kaia, Adelaide, and their mother. Though her father was able to give them the money, they still took Adelaide. She was murdered not long after. It was during this story that Bucky got to see Kaia in another light. She was vulnerable, wrestling with the grief that wanted to swallow her whole. He understood how someone like Dante -who was made of bruised knuckles and war- fell for her, and vice versa. They complimented each other; he was expressive, while she tended to compartmentalize her emotions. He created challenges, while she loved solving them. Dante could push her to reconnect with her vulnerability, while Kaia could teach him how to reel in his emotions.

Though it bothered him that they conspired without his knowledge, Bucky understood why she agreed to do it. "I'm so sorry, Kaia. I didn't mean it, I swear, and I care about you, too."

He noticed tears were once again forming in her brown eyes, but she said nothing, instead choosing to lie back and turn on the television.

As the low sounds of the tv filled the room, he collected the bloody napkins and swabs from the coffee table. He lost himself as he thought about the other night with Nadine. It was the first time he'd been with someone in a long time and he'd been terrified, not knowing if it was the right thing to do out of fear. Nadine, however, placed his hands on her face, a sign that she trusted him, and he gave in. By the end, they'd laid in bed together, legs intertwined and his arm resting over her, bed sheets covering them from the cool temperature. His fingers traced the curve of her bare back and left kisses on her neck, hair, shoulder, anywhere he could, really. She was otherworldly beautiful. Bucky knew this since they'd met. So he couldn't believe that she even let him kiss her. That strong-hearted woman, with so much love to give, was with him. He didn't know what he did in life to deserve such a thing.

Her scent was intoxicating. He could still feel it lingering at the tip of his nose.

"When this is done, I want to take you out on a proper date," Bucky had said all of a sudden. Despite the silence being comfortable, he wanted her to know his intentions. If he wanted it to work, he wanted to be honest.

"A date?" she'd questioned as she turned to look at him. She rested her head on her hand, her dark hair falling to one side. Despite the dim light, her eyes seemed to glimmer. "Really?"

"Yeah, really." And he went on to describe their date. How she'd wear something red because it's the best color on her, how he'd wear something black and most likely with ripped jeans because he'd come to like them now that he started wearing them. He'd take her out to dinner, they'd talk for hours, and finish the date going somewhere that played live music. They'd dance closely, intimately, until they were sick of it, and they'd go back home.

"Sounds like you have it all planned out," she'd said with a chuckle.

"Yeah... But, I mean, we don't have to do it, if you don't think it's a good idea."

"I'd love to," she'd replied, her fingers delicately tracing his face, almost as if she was memorizing every part of it. "Once we finish this, we're going on that date, okay?"

"Once we finish this?" he'd joked, his fingers pressing against her waist as he pulled her on top of him. "You're ready for another round?"

She laughed and light slapped his chest, which in turn made him laugh as he peppered her face with kisses. And for that moment, he let himself pretend that everything would go well. That they would get that date and things would work in their favor. And yet here they were. Nadine was gone, and he didn't know if she was even alive.

How stupid he'd been to hope that fate would be on their side.

Once he finished cleaning up, he turned back towards Kaia, but his gaze caught himself in the mirror on the bathroom door. The shadows under his tired eyes looked like bruises. That, coupled with his disheveled hair and his metal arm, it felt like the Winter Soldier was staring right at him, taunting him for letting Nadine go missing. Had that had been a mission back then, he would have torn that building apart to complete it. Though he was glad that past was behind him, in the back of his mind, he felt useless, weak even.

Because though he hated what he did, he also couldn't help to ask himself: how was he going to measure up?

Nadine would have answered, "You don't. You're better."

She looked at him with eyes that rivaled God sometimes, with how accepting and borderline forgiving she was of his sins. She loved him.

She was gone.

"I'm getting her back," he announced as he pulled his gaze away from the tormented image staring back at him, though Kaia made no movement to acknowledge him. "Even if I have to turn back into Winter to do it."

"Maybe it should not be about you turning back into Winter," Kaia replied without a missing a beat, her tone solemn. Her gaze was still on the television, which had a Turkish soap opera on. "You act as if you have casted him out of your life, when he has always been inside you. No, it is not you turning back, it is you moving forward. Le commencement."

Bucky scoffed. "The beginning of what? A path to my redemption?"

"No," she said. This time, her eyes flickered towards him. "Redemption implies you had control over actions, Soldat. It is the beginning of your reclamation."

Your reclamation. He liked the sound of that.

"Are you with me?"

This time, Kaia turned towards him fully. Long gone was the depressing grief that was consuming her, and instead it was replaced with her unnerving determination. "Nadine is family to me. You'd be smart not to doubt how far I am willing to go for family."

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WORD TRANSLATION:
1) Merde (french)- shit
2) Mords ta langue, Soldat (french)- Bite your tongue, soldier.
3) Le commencement (french)- the beginning

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A/N: HEY BESTIESSSS, I AM BACK

Ah, the aftermath of Nadine's capture. I loved delving into Bucky's anger and him blaming Kaia. He knew it wasn't her fault, but his heartbreak just wanted someone to blame.

And did y'all peep Bucky saying Nadine didn't fear death? 👁

Perhaps our hero doesn't know our heroine as well as he thinks, lol.

And Kaia and Dante, ugh, the ANGST. Apart from Nadine and Bucky, they're also so great. Bucky was right about how they complimented each other. Dante is passionate, unafraid to let people know what he thinks and driven heavily by emotion. Kaia is calculating and calm. She prefers to think things through before doing or saying something, even if that means people think she's coldhearted.

As always, thank you so much for reading this story. I'm glad that I'm able to update more frequently this time around. I also wanted to add that we're only 8 chapters away from the end! Holy shit!

I think this is the best time to announce that, universe willing, I'm planning on writing a sequel to Chasing Ghosts! :) Can't leave the story on a cliffhanger, now can we?

Anyway, that's all for today. Thanks again! <3