Edited

Published: Friday, May 31st 2019 5:35 am

Jummah Mubarak!!!

March 13th

          On the day of the vigil I found myself walking downstairs, unable to sleep. I don't know why, but I couldn't find a reason. I felt tired, sure, but apparently not enough to lay my head down. This hasn't happened a lot since I was a kid. Many times Ummi or Abi would find me sitting in the kitchen with a sandwich and a glass of juice in front of me. They would smile and urge me back to sleep, but not until I had at least finished one half of my sandwich. If possible, we would never waste a bit of food.

          Eventually, they stopped coming downstairs and instead left me to dine alone. I didn't mind considering I was already interrupting their sleep and having them make sure I wasn't an intruder. But every so often one of them would sigh deeply and try to get me to talk about why I wasn't up to sleeping. I would shrug my shoulders and continue eating, and minutes later they would walk away in defeat. You would think after years of this becoming my new schedule that they would give up trying to convince me, but no. If anything as the years went by, they tried harder.

          As I descended the last steps, it became clear that the kitchen light was on and someone was in there. Their shadow moved as if they were writing yet without a sound. I sighed with relief when I became close enough to get a good look.

          "What are you doing down here at this time?" I asked, moving to the counter to get what I needed for some cereal. Tehreem ignored me and continued to tap her fingers on the table in thought. "Nervous about your trip?" I tried again, which earned me an eye roll from her and a deep sigh. She shifted in her seat and began to twist her back around almost painfully.

          After a minute, Tehreem finally noticed my eyes on her. "I'm fine." She tried to tell me, but I didn't buy it. No one who moves the way that she just had and is anywhere near fine, and I told her as much. She only chuckled. "You would think that I would know my body more than anyone else." She smirked. "It's really okay."

          "That's what you said last time.". I sat across from her and placed my food in front of me. "I'm not one of your kids. You don't have to lie to protect me."

           "You're the only one who thinks it's a lie," she replied, with a pained smile. "Can't sleep?"

            "Is it obvious?" I sighed. I didn't even feel tired, only restless. It felt like there was something that I had to do but I was forgetting it. My mind wouldn't calm no matter how many times it to. Maybe it is really hopeless to try and change anything about this. I'm just doomed to never sleep peacefully.

          "Oh honey." Tehreem reached over and grabbed my hand, rubbing it gently with the pad of her thumb. "You shouldn't be sleep deprived like this. It isn't healthy."

          "I know," I agreed. She's right, it isn't healthy. But this is what I have. This is my life and will be forever... "But I can't change it, at least not now."

          Her eyes were soft. "Why not?"

          "I don't know," I shrugged. "Maybe i'm bend help. Maybe there is no cure."

           "Insomnia is actually very common," She told me. "It can be helped with the right treatment. You can get better at sleep."

           "I've tried," I replied. It was the first time tonight that I sounded tired, my voice laced with badly wanted sleep. I was exhausted but didn't feel like sleeping. None of it made sense but it also made all of the sense in the world. "I've tried pills are so many other things. Nothing works."

            "I wish I wasn't leaving so soon with you like this," Tehreem said, looking down at our connected hands with a million things on her mind. "I could go with you to see someone to help you. You're basically my daughter so I need you healthy."

             The statement made me smile and chuckle all the same. Truth is that I always felt like that with my sister; that she was my second mother. The realization only made me miss my own mother even more. I can't even remember the last time that we talked or even text.

           As if reading my thoughts, Tehreem answered. "She'll be here for the party. Both Ummi and Abi will be here and until then you can call."

            "I know." I sighed sadly. "I just wish it wasn't so long away."

             "It will go by fast, i'm sure," She assured me. "But tell me the truth, Jamila. Are you up to staying here with all three of my kids for the days that i'll be gone?" I nodded, not even giving it a second thought. Even if I wasn't feeling up to it I knew I had to do it. I would have to be blind not to see how badly that Tehreem wants to see her husband after all of the time he's been away. If I didn't do this the fear of what happened to Jafar and Ayah kept appearing in my mind. All of the drama and anger felt like just yesterday, and if I could help it, I had no interest in repeating it. So I sucked it up and agreed.

          "A well at the most?" I repeated the words she had said to me and would continue to say to reassure me.

          Tehreem leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead, smiling as she did so. "A week at the most," she confirmed.

***

I had pushed open the door to Anna's room, ready to wake her. Unlike everyone else, she hadn't gotten up to eat and get dressed like the rest of us. Time was surely moving and the vigil would be held in less than two hours. It was time for her to wake up. As I walked closer into the dark room it became easier to see her silhouette underneath her blankets, which meant that she might still be asleep. After a few seconds I began to try and wake her when I heard a soft sound followed by her slight movement.

"Amna." I said low, but high enough so that she could hear me calling her. No answer. "Amna." I said a little louder. "We have to go."

She didn't say anything, only pulled her covers over her head more if that was possible. The thought of leaving was there. I don't like when people interrupt my sleep as much as the next person, but something just felt...off. I could feel that something was wrong, so I decided not to leave. I turned on the lamp by her bed and crouched down, but just enough way to give her breathing room. I still couldn't see her face that was buried underneath the covers, but I could hear her breathing. It was ragged and low and in a certain pattern. She was trying to steady herself.

          "Hey, Amna, it's Jamila." I couldn't find any other words than those to say to her. What do you say in this moment? "Are you okay."

           It took her a few seconds, but she responded. "I'm fine." Her voice was muffled by the covers. "I'm about to get up and get ready."

            "I'm not worried about that." I replied. "You know you can talk to me."

            "I don't want to talk."

             I sighed. "Are you sure? You can tell me anything. It's not like i'm going to tell."

             The covers began to move frantically by her head before being pushed off. Her messy hair covered her eyes, but I could still tell that her face was flushed red.

              My face dropped. "Why are you crying?What's wrong?"

              She shook her head and slowly sat up so that I could see her better, or that she could see me and her surroundings. I continued to sit on the floor, weary of moving. She pulled out her phone and opened it to the home screen.

             "The vigil is soon." She said. I tried not to narrow my eyes at the fact that she changed the subject. Something is so clearly on her mind yet she doesn't want to talk about it, and i'm here willing to listen, yet she won't use this opportunity. For all I know this could be a small high school thing where she got a low grade or she likes a boy. She's only fourteen years old. What could possibly be so bad?

            "Yeah it is." I decided to play along. "So you'll get ready soon?" I asked. She nodded. "Good!" I said said with a smile on my face. "Don't forget that your Ummi is leaving today, okay?"

             "How could I forget?" The comment was so low that I almost missed it, but it was hard to miss anything in a room this quiet. She continued to sit there and ignore the fact that I was here. Her phone was now down and she was looking down at her hands, playing with her fingers almost frantically. I began to stand up.

           "Are you nervous?" I nodded towards her hands, and she stopped moving them. "About the vigil I mean."

           "I'm not." She said quickly, tucking her hands underneath her legs, which further suggested that that's what could be wrong with her. She's never been one for big crowds, and today the town is expecting a lot of people.

"You don't have to brave it out," I said with a roll of my eyes. "No one would blame you if you cried for what happened."

          "I don't have any more tears left," she said, and I scrunched my face in confusion. "Can you leave so I can get ready? Or we'll be late."

          "Yeah..." I agreed reluctantly and stood up, rubbing any wrinkles out of my clothes. "There's breakfast downstairs," I said and waited for a response, but there was none. I'm not sure that I even wanted one. After hearing her last reply, who knew what she might say next.

***

this chapter is very short but i also haven't updated in months so i hope it's enough. enjoy!

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