#COMM

Chapter 21

Jasper was too silent on our way home. And I was too tensed to even say anything. I mean, technically, I didn't do anything wrong naman... but somehow, I felt really guilty.

Ganto yata talaga if you're in a gray area, kapag hindi defined kung ano ba talaga. Sobrang gulo.

"Uh... Thank you for today," I said nang nasa bahay na kami. Nakatayo na ako sa labas habang kinukuha ni Jasper palabas ng car si Jassy. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya habang ginagawa niya iyon. I was bit my lips and playing with my fingers. Sobrang tensed ko na lang talaga.

After makuha ni Jasper si Jassy, he handed him to me.

"Thank you," I said. Jasper just nodded. Hala. Galit nga siya.

I stood awkwardly in front of him and then sighed. Hindi ko pa kasi alam how I'd approach him... kailangan ko muna siguro humingi ng advice sa ibang tao. Ayoko kasi na galitin si Jasper. I mean, ako na nga 'tong nangungulit sa kanya, tapos ginagalit ko pa siya.

"Good night," I just said instead. I went to my room while carrying Jassy. Naka-salubong ko pa nga si Cohen who asked me if I was okay. Sobrang mukhang down ko siguro kaya pati si Cohen na usually naman hindi nakikielam, nagtanong na rin. Nakatulog tuloy ako na sobrang bothered.

The next morning, I woke up extra early kasi sobrang late na ako natulog. Sobrang daming scenario na nagplay sa utak ko. Tapos I dreamt about that Helene pa! Gustung-gusto ko na talaga tanungin si Jasper about who Helene was, pero hindi pa ngayon since alam ko na pissed off pa siya sa akin.

Obvious naman! Sa likod ko siya naglakad after namin makasalubong si Aunt Beatrice! Kulang na lang patirin niya ako sa pagka-badtrip niya sa akin, sobrang feel ko.

"Good morning, Ma'am!" hyper na bati sa akin ni Kellan while Nico was just smiling at me. I already finished eating breakfast with my family. My parents just arrived from a convention somewhere in Vienna. Buti na lang hindi pansin masyado nila na nasa guest house iyong isip ko.

"Morning," I replied rather gloomily. As per usual, napansin agad nila. 'Di ko sure if they're just really intuitive, or sobrang bored lang nila sa work nila kaya pinapansin nila lahat sa akin.

Kellan and Nico both nodded, like they just came up with a realization.

I eyed them. "Have you seen Jasper?"

Umiling sila. "Kakadating lang po natin tapos nakita po namin natutulog pa."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "He's still sleeping?" I asked dahil 8am na. Dati nga super creepy niya dahil 6am pa lang, ready to go na siya. Like when I go out of my room, Jasper's already there. Tapos ngayon, he's still asleep?

Nico nodded. "Opo. Weird nga po, e. Maaga kasi gumising 'yun lagi kasi nga ganun sa PMA."

"Baka ginalit mo na naman, Ma'am," Kellan said.

"Ako na naman may kasalanan," I said and creased my forehead.

"E, Ma'am, ikaw lang naman nakaka-trigger kay Sir Jasper," Kellan replied.

"Wala kaya akong ginagawa!" I said rather defensively... but then, I sighed. Alam ko kasi na I was at fault. Pero ano ba ang dapat sabihin ko! He's my bodyguard naman talaga!

Pero naman kasi, I felt offended on his behalf dahil din sa sinabi ko. Sobrang gulo! If I didn't say that, hindi ko rin naman alam what I should have said! Wala akong mapaglagyan.

Kellan sat. "Kwento ka muna, Ma'am. 'Di naman tayo makakaalis habang wala si Sir Jasper," Kellan said. Naka-upo talaga siya tapos nakapatong pa 'yung chin niya sa dalawang kamay niya. So weird, this guy. Curious tuloy ako bigla kay Kellan kasi he seemed to be invested in my life... ano kaya ang meron sa life niya?

Sighing, I took a seat, too. Nasa harap ko si Kellan and Nico. We were positioned like I was under trial for what I did yesterday.

"So... 'di ba? There's nothing I could've done!" I said after I told them what transpired last night. I waited for their reaction, for them to agree with me, but of course kontrabida si Kellan.

"Ma'am, ikaw kaya pag nakasalubong niyo si Helene tapos sinabi ni Sir Jasper na amo ka niya, ano'ng mararamdaman mo?"

Napaawang ang labi ko. "Uh... okay lang," I answered.

"Ang plastic naman ni Ma'am. Parang 'di tayo friends dito," he said. Siniko siya ni Nico. "Okay lang 'yan. Sa atin nakasalalay ang lovelife ni Ma'am," Kellan continued. Napaawang na lang talaga ang labi ko sa kanya.

"I mean, it's the truth naman, right? It's not like there's something..." I said, sighing. They just continued to look at me—like they could see right through me. "Fine. It would sting. Like big time. Pero 'yun naman kasi talaga. Kaya siguro sinabi nila na truth hurts."

Nico nodded in agreement. Buti pa siya kampi sa akin.

"Bakit kasi 'di mo na lang sabihin kay Sir 'yung feelings mo?"

"No way!" I almost shouted. Buti napigilan ko dahil Jasper's still sleeping. I didn't want to bother his sleep, kasi alam ko na sobrang deprived sa sleep 'yung isa na 'yun.

"Ano, Ma'am? Ganto na lang lagi? Kami kawawa?"

"Bakit kayo? Ako 'yung bothered and torn dito."

"Hindi naman kayo kayang saktan ni Sir. Kami 'yung nasasaktan physically," Kellan said in all seriousness. Parang naiimagine niya na iyong mga ipapagawa sa kanila ni Jasper.

I sighed again. "Sorry... pero I just don't see it happening. I mean, me confessing."

I didn't know if it's just how I was raised... pero kasi Mom always told me that no matter how time passes by or how modern life may get, a guy should always make the first move. Kasi if a guy really likes you, he'll do something about it. And kapag hindi, then it's not meant to be.

Pero I already broke all the rules. I was already too obvious. Ang tanga na lang ni Jasper kapag hindi niya pa napansin.

Kellan didn't say anything but, "Okay, Ma'am, noted." But for some reasons, it felt like he was already up to something.

* * *

After an hour, nagulat na lang kami kasi Jasper went out of the guest house—all prepared. There were obvious bags under his eyes. Ano'ng oras na naman kaya siya natulog? Hindi ko kasi nasilip kagabi kasi baka naman ma-weirduhan si Cohen sa akin if I just barge inside his room.

Yesterday, I thought that he'd be the one to ride with me again. I mean, yes, it's been fun with Kellan and Nico, but I liked it better when Jasper's sitting beside me.

Pero after what happened yesterday, I kinda expected this treatment from him. It's a warranted reaction, too, so I couldn't take it against him.

My whole day was boring because Jasper was being dull again. I couldn't even feel him looking at me. It was like he was completely ignoring me, which was driving me insane. Hanggang pag-uwi ko tulog, dala-dala ko na 'yung bad mood ni Jasper.

"Free your Friday night, Siobhan," Mom said during the breakfast the next morning.

"Okay," I replied. When it came to family matters, I really try to be as compliant as possible. My parents give us everything, the least we could do is to make life easier for them. Wala naman sa aming magkakapatid ang nagpahirap sa kanila. I mean, they deserve the best, honestly.

After that, diretso na naman ako sa work. Honestly, okay na rin siguro 'to na busy ako so that hindi ko masyadong maiisip si Jasper. I mean, yes, guilty talaga ako, but I shouldn't let that affect my work. I worked hard para dito...

During break time, nakita ko na naman sila Kellan. Nico was the one who was eating and it was Kellan who was in charge to look after me.

"Kumain na ba si Jasper?" I asked. Ito na lang 'yung connection ko kasi sa kanya... to ask if kumain na ba siya or what.

"Di ko sure, Ma'am, pero kasama naman niya si Sir Evan."

"Best friend ba sila ni Evan?" I asked. There were plenty of times na nahuhuli ko sila na nag-uusap talaga nang seryoso. And madalas after nila mag-usap, kunot-noo talaga si Jasper.

Kellan looked at me, like he was uncertain if he'd tell me or not. So, I prodded. "Come on, tell me. It's not like the situation will get any worse pa, no."

"Di ko sure, Ma'am, pero ang alam ko, 'di ba may asawa na si Sir Evan?" he asked and I nodded. I remember that since medyo napagtaasan ako ng boses ni Jasper when I asked about Evan. "Tapos 'yung kapatid ata nung asawa ni Sir Evan, ex ni Sir."

Nanlaki 'yung mga mata ko tapos nabulunan naman si Nico. "Si Helene?!" I asked and then inabutan ko si Nico ng glass of water.

Kellan nodded. "Opo, Ma'am."

"You knew all this time?! Tapos 'di mo sinabi sa akin?!"

"Di naman kayo nagtanong, Ma'am!" Kellan defended.

I wanted to pull his hair, but I was too surprised to even do so. I mean, sister in law ni Evan si Helene?! Kaya ba ganoon na lang siya ka-against sa kung anuman ang meron sa amin ni Jasper?

But if what Kellan said was true, Helene is already an ex... Pero bakit ganon pa rin siya? Still, something was not adding up.

"Kahit na!" I told Kellan.

"Yan hirap sa inyo, Ma'am. Ayaw niyo magtanong tapos, nagagalit kayo. 'Wag ganon," Kellan said, scratching the back of his head.

"Paano mo nalaman?" I asked, instead.

"Minsan naririnig ko lang sila mag-usap ni Sir Evan. 'Di naman ako tanga kaya gets ko pinag-uusapan nila kahit wala silang pangalan na binabanggit," Kellan replied. I was listening intently, while Nico was listening, too, habang may chicken leg sa bibig niya. Siya na 'yung kumain nung food na provided for me nung company na ginawan ko ng campaign.

"But if ex niya talaga si Helene—"

"Tanungin niyo na lang si Sir Jasper, Ma'am. O kung matapang kayo, si Sir Evan," Kellan said, being his usual annoying self. Tinignan ko siya nang masama.

Hanggang matapos iyong lunch, wala ng masabi sa akin si Kellan kasi nga limited lang din daw iyong alam niya. Hindi kasi sila magka-batch ni Jasper sa military academy kaya hindi niya rin masyadong alam.

I was tempted to ask Addie to investigate further, but a part of me didn't want to. I still wanted to respect Jasper's right to privacy.

Paglabas ko ng dressing room, nakita ko agad si Jasper. He was standing outside, like he was contemplating on whether he'd go inside or not.

"Hey," I said. He looked at me. His face was again void of any emotion. I hated how this felt. I hated how we seemed to have gone back at the beginning.

He was just staring at me.

I was telling myself to talk to him.

"About last time..." I began and wished that he'd look me in the eye like he used to. I hated the coldness in his eyes. I wanted him to melt me with his stares. Like before.

"What?" he asked. His voice was empty. It hurt.

I wanted to tell him na 'wag naman ganito, Jasper...' but that would be too assuming of me.

"Nothing. Just... sorry," I said and tried to smile. "Basta, sorry."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I feel like you're mad at me," I told him.

"I'm not."

"You've been avoiding me."

He didn't have a response.

"See? You're avoiding me. Please don't okay?" I asked him. Tinignan ko siya sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko alam bakit parang ang sakit na makita na ganito kami.

Na wala pa naman, pero ang sakit-sakit na.

"I'm... trying." My best to be happy with what we have even though you're confusing the hell out of me.

He didn't say a word.

Ang hirap. Na wala ka namang right magdemand.

Maybe this was the thing with being in a gray area. Hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar.

After that, I left him. My chest was beginning to tighten at the mere sight of Jasper. May mga ganoong tao siguro talaga... Na may capacity para saktan tayo without even exerting much effort...

Naka-salubong ko si Evan. I didn't know what came into me para tawagin siya.

"Evan," I said. He stopped and looked at me. "Can we talk?"

"About?" he asked.

"Jasper," I bravely said.

Evan sighed—like he knew this was coming. He should. He's being really unfair. If Jasper wanted to be with me, why was so against it? If there's a valid reason, shouldn't I at least know? Kasi parang sobrang unfair nito. Feeling ko pinaglalaruan nila 'yung feelings ko sa push and pull na ginagawa nila.

"Not Jasper," he just said.

"Why not?" I retorted.

"I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there," he replied.

"But what if I want him?"

"You can't."

"But what if I can?"

Umiling siya. "He won't," he said like he's certain that Jasper really wouldn't. But I knew Jasper. I knew that look in his eyes.

Alam ko na konti na lang, bibigay na siya. Because if not, he wouldn't care much na pinakilala ko siya bilang body guard ko.

"But I can, Evan," I said, staring at him intently. He should know that this time, I meant business. I like Jasper so freaking much that it was starting to affect every aspect in my life. And if he's the only one standing in the way, he should at least give me a valid reason.

Because even if I like him so freaking much, I still could understand reason.

But he should give me something.

Hindi 'yung ganito.

"So, please," I pleaded. "Just tell me why not..."

He remained silent.

I cocked my head and looked at him. "Okay," I said, finally accepting the fact that I'd get nothing from him. "But don't blame me for doing what I have to do, because I already asked," sabi ko bago ako nagsimulang umalis.

"Maggie—" he said, making me stop from my tracks.

"Trust me, Evan. I can," I said.