#COMM

Chapter 44

I couldn't hide from my family, most especially when my parents knew that I came home. I just needed to get my story straight. Wala sa mga kapatid ko or cousins ko ang may alam kay JJ... I didn't want to see them because I hated lying straight to their faces. I owed them so much. They saved my ass countless of times before...

But I wanted to fix everything with Jasper first bago ko sabihin sa kanila. I figured din kasi na mas magagalit sa akin si Jasper if alam ng buong family ko, tapos siya lang iyong walang clue... Kaya ilang taon kong tiniis na ako lang at si Addie ang may alam... It's just better that way...

The less people know, the better.

JJ's safety is the risk that I'd never take.

"Pasalubong?" Psalm asked upon seeing me.

"Close tayo?" I replied, prompting my other brothers to laugh.

"Many things may change, but your kasungitan will remain the same," Psalm said, grinning at me. They all hugged me and told me that they missed me. Kulit talaga nila.

My brothers hounded me about my life abroad. I was starting to worry because they had so many questions! It almost felt like they were just waiting for me to slip! Did Dad tell them? But he promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone!

"What made you go home?" Psalm asked.

I shrugged. "Dad made me."

"Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah... Cindy's engagement or something," I said. Truth be told, I could get away with not coming home for that. It's not as if I was close with Cindy... maybe it's just my psyche telling me that it's time to go home. Addie was right; I ran for far too long. I needed to come home. Hindi naman pwede na lagi akong nagtatago... And JJ's growing up... I knew that one day, he'd get tired of asking me about Jasper and he'd want to see him himself.

And I wanted to be the one to tell Jasper. Ayoko na dagdagan iyong galit niya sa akin kung sa ibang tao pa niya malaman iyong tungkol kay JJ...

"I still think this is bull," Psalm said.

"Just let them be," Saint said.

"But they're making a mistake."

"Exactly. It's their mistake. Let them learn their own lesson. This is not our problem."

"Baliw ka ba? Cindy's our sis. Of course I care."

Saint shrugged. "Yeah, I know, but she decided to accept Parker's proposal. She's not a kid, you know? She knows what she's doing."

My forehead creased. I knew some stuff, but I couldn't really understand what was going on. I mean, sure, napapag-usapan naman sometimes, but I wasn't all that interested in Cindy's love life, no offense. I had a lot of shit going on. When I was pregnant with JJ, I had a lot of guy asking me out—which was freaking weird! I was pregnant! I thought they had some weird fantasy about pregnant women or something! It was creepy! And after JJ was born, I was busy with JJ... I had no time to keep up with people's lives.

They shut up when Maven and Gen arrived. I smiled. Gen's nice. I mean, 'di ko naman siya as in sobrang nakaka-usap, but when I do, nagkaka-sundo naman kami. She's fine. A bit small, but pretty. And from what I heard, pretty stubborn, too. Maybe that's what Maven liked about her. I'd always known that Maven would end up with someone who'd challenge every word he'd say. Because otherwise would be boring for him.

Gen went outside habang kausap ni Maven si Auntie Beatrice. Ugh. I should've known na makikita ko siya dito sa bahay nila Abuela.

I wanted to drink because the tension was so fucking palpable, but I didn't think being drunk around these people was the best idea. Mamaya kung ano pa ang masabi ko! Auntie Beatrice's like a hound dog! It's like she could feel if there's a problem that she could use for her sick entertainment!

"Cindy has an announcement to make," Auntie Beatrice said, looking at Gen, grinning. Sick! She's her son's wife! She should drop it already, seriously!

"So... uhm..." Cindy began. She looked like she's ready to faint. Couldn't blame her, though. Okay mga brothers ko sa kanya. Our other fam? Not her biggest fan. "I just got engaged to Parker," she said, her voice trembling a bit.

Everyone went silent. Everyone's eyes were on Gen. This was some teledrama material.

"That's great," Aunt Meredith said. "When's the wedding?" she asked.

"We're still ironing things out..."

"I'm sure Genesis will love to help. Right, Genesis? After all, you have no work... not that you need to, anyway..." Auntie butted in. Hindi ko na napigilan. I had to down a glass of alcohol! This was some serious shit! I mean, seriously?! Why would she even?! She's like obsessed with torturing poor Gen!

* * *

The whole dinner was downright crazy. Halos hindi ko namalayan iyong oras. Pag-uwi ko, agad kong kinwento kay Addie what went down. She wasn't there, but I really wanted to tell her everything that happened!

"Your mom's batshit crazy, no offense!"

She shrugged. "Nah, I know that," she said, busy with her laptop. "I pity Gen. She's the target of Mom's craziness."

Nag-usap pa kami ni Addie. She got me up to speed with everything that happened while I was gone. For a moment, I was thankful that I wasn't here for all that drama! I mean, minsan, I go home, but I wasn't always around for all that shit!

We were in the middle of discussing whether Cindy and Parker's wedding would continue when we heard knocking on the door. Addie just shrugged. It's probably Jasper and JJ. Sila lang naman ang nandito palagi. I was still curious if Addie's dating or what... She's very attractive naman... the problem's she's attracted to her laptop lang yata...

"He fell asleep," Jasper said as I stared at him carrying JJ.

I opened the door wider. "Just put him on the bed," I said. Naglakad ako papunta sa kwarto, and opened it. I watched as he carefully laid JJ there. Pagkatapos noon, tahimik lang akong naka-tayo. I was just waiting for him to leave. Today has been really long and tiring... The last thing I wanted was to argue with Jasper. Pagod na ako for that.

"What?" I asked, my brow arched as I watched him staring at me. He's standing for what felt like a minute already. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin, but he didn't know how to say it.

Pero kapag magagalit sa akin, he had no qualms on how to say it...

"JJ..." he trailed.

My brow remained arched. I didn't want to use words as much as possible. Baka kasi he'd construe it against me. Bigla kasi niyang naging talent na baliktarin ang salita ko.

"JJ fought with Kylie."

"Who's Kylie?" Babae mo? I wanted to ask, but begged my mouth to stay shut.

"My..." he said, looking at me. I kept my lips pressed together. I shouldn't let myself be affected like this... Tapos na kami ni Jasper. Whatever we have right now, it's just because of JJ... Iyon lang 'yun...

"She's your what?" I asked him again.

"Daughter."

I felt this tiny stinging sensation inside me. I didn't know how I managed to remain standing before Jasper... But I knew that I needed to be strong. Kahit sa harap niya lang...

"What's... what's with her?" I asked, trying to keep my breathing even. "Why did they fight?"

Jasper looked at me like he didn't want to tell me what's happening. Why was he scared? Wala naman ng masisira pa sa aming dalawa... Whatever we had before, it's gone now... And whatever we have now, it couldn't be broken easily. Kasi kahit saan kami mapuntang dalawa, we'd always have JJ who would connect us both.

"Nothing. I'll just talk to Kylie."

"What is it, Jasper?" I asked. I heard the door being shut. Iniwan siguro kaming dalawa ni Addie. "If it involves JJ, I want to know."

"Kylie just... she's just not used to having JJ around. That's it. I'll talk to her."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero bigla akong nakaramdam ng awa sa anak ko... If only... if only things didn't turn out like this, he wouldn't need to share his father with someone else... He would have to get some kid's affirmation...

"Siobhan—" he said.

"What?" I asked, my chest tightening.

"Why... why are you crying?"

Agad akong napa-hawak sa pisngi ko. I quickly wiped my tears away. I wanted to remain strong in front of Jasper. I didn't want him to see me hurting like this. It was my decision to leave... I would never blame him for having another family... It was his life... I would never stoop so low as to blame him for having a life aside from me...

It was my decision to keep on loving him.

My decision would never have to bear weight on his life.

"N-Nothing," I said, trying to put a smile on my face. "I'll... I'll talk to JJ, too. I'm sure he'd understand."

Jasper looked conflicted.

"I haven't... I haven't explained to him fully that—"

"That what? His parents aren't together? That you have another family and a daughter?" I asked, finishing his sentence for him. I put on the bravest face I could muster.

Was this how it feels to be an adult?

Bullshitting your way through life?

Lying that everything's all right when it's all falling apart?

"JJ's a smart boy, Jasper. He'll understand that we're not together. You... you just have to be his father. That's it," I said, trying to smile despite the tears threatening to fall. Pinilit kong lakihan ang ngiti ko... na para bang ito ang makaka-pigil sa pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

"Siobhan..."

"Don't call me that..."

We were staring at each other. I could feel my heart breaking at the sight of him. I wanted to touch him... I wanted to feel him... but I knew that I didn't have the right anymore...

"I'm always trying to remind myself on where I should stand, Jasper. Don't confuse me like that."

I wanted him to leave. I didn't know for how long I could keep on standing before him like this, pretending to be brave when inside, I was already breaking into pieces.

"All I ask... All I ask is for you to treat JJ nicely... Iyon lang..."

"Why don't you explain?"

I smiled at him. "It won't change anything. You're with someone else, Jasper. I know my place. I would never steal someone else's man. Hindi ako ganon."

Huminga akong muli nang malalim.

"Can you please leave?" pakiusap ko sa kanya. Sobrang sikip na ng dibdib ko. Gusto ko na lang umiyak... Gusto kong magsisi... Pero hindi ko kayang gawin iyon sa harap niya...

He's with someone else. He has a kid with someone else...

I was confused... but I didn't want him to be confused, too...

"Please?" I asked, feeling my tears falling from my eyes.

Jasper's jaw clenched, but as I felt my first tear fall from my eyes, I heard the door closing after him.

"Mommy..." I heard JJ's voice as I felt his arms enveloping me. "Stop crying..." I couldn't say a word. I just cried and cried until I couldn't anymore...