#CTG17 Chapter 17

"Okay ka lang?" Iñigo asked as he took the empty space beside me. Inabutan niya ako ng paper cup na may lamang kape. I quietly took it and stared at the sun slowly rising before us.

"Sorry," I said.

"I told you not to say sorry," he replied.

"No, not about that. Just... sorry."

"If not about that, about what?" he asked.

I blew against the cup. Sobrang init ng kape na nakikita ko iyong usok. It's weird but every time I'd see a hot coffee, I'd always associate it with Iñigo. Hindi naman kami ganoong ka-close... I could literally count the times we talked through the three years I'd known him. But for some reason, I felt comfortable around him.

Comfortable enough to cry.

Comfortable enough to show weakness.

It's weird... but nice.

"Sorry about what?" he repeated.

"Basta sorry," sagot ko.

"Come on... Sorry tungkol saan?" he asked again. "Kung ayaw mong sabihin, ako na lang magsosorry."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Para san?"

"Dapat nagtaxi na lang tayo. O kaya 'dun kita pinaupo sa tabi ng babae. O kaya—"

"Let's just both stop apologizing for things which are out of our control," I said, cutting him off.

A small smile appeared. "Naks... parang linya ko 'yan, ah?"

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up."

He laughed. "Alam mo, iba ka na kaysa nung unang naka-usap kita..." he said, but I remained silent. "Mas open ka na... Medyo. Obvious naman na marami ka pang problema na ayaw mong sabihin, pero ayos lang. But just know that if you ever need someone to listen, I'm always available."

"Thanks," I simply said.

It's nice... to know that there's someone who's ready to listen to you talk. I'd always wanted to have someone like that. Marami akong kapatid, pero hindi kami ganito ka-close... Probably because we're all too busy trying to make our father proud... Iyong mga kaibigan ko naman, alam ko na pwede ko silang kausapin... I knew that they'd always listen.

But it's still different.

I couldn't talk to them.

They're my friends... but they're not my person.

I'm not their person.

I'm no one's favorite.

And it sucked.

"Na-text na kita dati, 'di ba? Sinave mo ba number ko?" he asked. 'Di ako sumagot. "Grabe! Itetext nga ulit kita. Save mo na, okay?"

I shrugged. "Sino 'yung lawyer na pumunta?" pag-iiba ko ng tanong. Pagka-tapos niyang tumawag kanina, mahigit isang oras lang ay may dumating na lalaki. Nag-usap sila ni Iñigo sandali bago iyong abogado ang nakipag-usap sa mga pulis. I was just quietly watching then... The lawyer looked really respectable—like he knew what he was doing.

I wasn't an idealist—not in the slightest way... Alam ko naman na malaki ang posibilidad na ma-dismiss iyong complaint. Gusto ko lang na dalhin iyong lalaki sa presinto para malaman niya na hindi uubra iyong ginagawa niyang ganon. Na hindi lahat ng babae, takot. Na may iba na hindi papayag na gawin niya 'yun.

I already accepted that the complaint wouldn't flourish... but for some reason unknown to me, nagawa nung lawyer na matanggap iyong complaint. In fact, the guy was already in custody.

"Atty. Reyes," he replied. I remained quiet, waiting for him to continue. "Brod ko... Dating nagtrabaho sa prosecutor's office bago nagprivate practice."

I nodded. "Pumunta siya dahil lang tumawag ka?"

He nodded back. "Yeah..."

"Must be nice."

He leaned against the wall behind us and looked at the sun that was almost already done rising. Kitang-kita ko iyong sinag ng araw sa mukha ni Iñigo. If I didn't know him better, I'd never think that he's got problems of his own. He had always managed to look like he didn't have a care in the world...

But we're just all pretenders.

He's just better at it.

"Not really," he said.

"Bakit?"

"Wala," sabi niya bago biglang tumayo. Biglang may ngiti na naman sa mukha niya. That's his way of diverting the topic. Madaling mahalata kapag ayaw niyang pag-usapan ang isang bagay... He wasn't too subtle about that.

But maybe that's because he wanted someone to notice.

"Alis na tayo?" he asked. Tatango na sana ako... "Bulalo muna tayo?"

"Hindi ka pa ba pagod?"

Umiling siya. "Iyon naman talaga pinunta natin, 'di ba?" he asked, smiling. "Tara na. Tapos balik na tayo kasi may pasok pa mamaya. 'Yung ibang gusto mong puntahan, next time na lang."

* * *

"Stop watching me."

Tumawa siya. "Ngayon ka lang din nakakain ng bulalo at tawilis? Ano ba'ng pagkain sa bahay niyo? Steak? Truffles? Foie gras?"

I rolled my eyes and just focused on eating. Sobrang dami ng serving para sa aming dalawa ni Iñigo. But when Iñigo started eating, finally, mukhang mauubos naman namin.

"Diretso ka ba sa bahay niyo?" he asked.

I shook my head. I continued eating. I stuffed my mouth with more tawilis. No wonder pabalik-balik dito sina Yago at Rory.

"May damit ka ba sa school? Baka kasi traffic. Tapos baka maaga class mo," he said.

"I'm okay," I replied. Dadaan ako sa mall at bibili ng bagong damit. I already texted Rory and said that I'd take a shower at her place. Normally she'd ask me why... iniisip niya pa rin siguro na dahil 'to sa bumagsak ako kaya 'di niya muna ako tinatanong.

Nang matapos kami ni Iñigo na kumain, akala ko ay didiretso na kami pauwi, but I was pleasantly surprised when we stopped at some store and got blueberry tarts. I was smiling to myself. Dessert.

"Parang tanga 'to," he said when he saw me logging in to my online banking and trying to send him the payment for the dessert. Naunahan niya kasi akong magbayad.

"Ayoko ng nililibre," sagot ko.

"Minsan lang naman."

"Ayoko pa rin."

"Di ko naman ikaka-gutom iyong isang box ng tart."

I clicked send. He rolled his eyes, too. Siya lang ang tao na ayaw binabayaran ang utang.

Pagdating namin pabalik sa Pasay, sabay kaming dumiretso pabalik sa school. Doon pala malapit iyong apartment ni Iñigo. I was about to thank him for accompanying me in this spur of the moment trip when I halted upon seeing my father. In front of the school.

"Charisse," he called.

I felt my whole body growing colder as he stared at me... and at Iñigo who was standing beside me. Iñigo wasn't stupid... I knew that at this point, he knew who this man was. It couldn't be denied since we both looked alike. Siguro kaya rin sobrang taas ng expectation niya sa akin... Dahil kamukha ko siya... Na dahil successful siya, dapat ganoon din ako.

Pero paano kung ayokong maging successful?

Paano kung gusto ko lang maging masaya?

"Sir—" Iñigo said.

"Let's go," Dad said, looking at me, blatantly ignoring Iñigo. "Let's go," he repeated when I didn't move an inch from where I was standing.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"I failed. Torts. I got 74."

I fisted my knuckle and begged myself to show a brave face. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko dito ginagawa... I knew it's better to talk about this at home...

I wasn't that scared of his reaction.

I was more scared of mine.

Maybe doing this in public, I could control myself better.

"Let's talk about that at home," he replied.

"I'm taking it this sem. I won't be delayed. I'll still graduate on time. I'll—"

"I said we'll talk about that at home!" he said in a much higher tone. I flinched on my place. My heart began to race inside my chest. Hindi ako takot? Sino ba ang niloloko ko? I could be 50 and still be scared of him... Because he's been terrorizing me since I was little... I'd been scared of him for as long as I could remember...

I nodded and quickly followed him. Ni hindi ko magawang lumingon. Sunud-sunod ang hakbang ko hanggang maka-pasok ako sa sasakyan. The silence was suffocating me. I held my hands together and breathed deeply.

"I don't want to see that boy around you again," was the first thing he said.

My lips parted. "He's just my friend..." I said in my small voice.

"Immaterial. I don't want you around wrong company."

"Wrong company? You don't even know—"

"This discussion is over," he said. "You're not to hang around that boy again. Am I clear, Charisse Faith?"

I remained silent. I could feel my hands shaking in anger. I was so mad. I was so mad but I couldn't say anything about it.

"Did I make myself clear, Charisse Faith Viste?" he repeated in a threatening tone.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at huminga nang malalim.

"Please stop the car," I told the driver.

"What—"

"Please stop the car or I'll jump from this moving vehicle," I stated because I was serious. I couldn't sit here and listen to him tell me what to do. For 23 years, that's exactly what I did. Sinunod ko lahat ng utos niya sa akin.

I'd been the perfect daughter...

Couldn't he be a father to me? Kahit hindi na perfect... I just needed a father.

The car pulled over and I quickly got out of the car. I began walking, not knowing where I'd go. I had a plan... it wasn't concrete yet because I didn't know that I'd be doing this right now... But I couldn't live there for one more night.

If I stayed there for another day, I was so afraid that all I'd ever feel for him was hatred...

That I would never be able to forgive him for doing this to me.

"Charisse Faith!" sigaw niya. "What do you think you're doing?!"

I ignored him.

I kept walking.

I didn't know what I was doing... I just wanted to be alone.

"All this for that boy?!"

Napa-hinto ako.

Saglit na humarap sa kanya.

"No," I said. "All this because of you."

I reminded myself over and over again to control my words. Once said, I couldn't take them anymore. I was mad... but I needed to reign over my feelings... to control my words.

I just wanted to get away.

"If you take one more step, I'm cutting you off!" he threatened.

I nodded and took a deep breath. I couldn't even cry. I was just so mad at him. I could never cry in front of him... Because I was trained to always look at him and never show weakness... Because weakness will bring you nowhere... That's what he always reminded us.

"Here," I said as I got all my credit cards and debit card. "I never really used those, anyway..."

Muli akong tumalikod at nagsimulang maglakad. Patuloy kong naririnig ang pagtawag niya sa akin. Nagpanggap akong walang pakielam at hindi siya pinansin.

I walked.

And walked.

I returned to school and saw Iñigo right at that spot where we left him. And as soon as I saw him, tears began to form in my eyes.

"I'm fine—" I said, but he was quick to close the distance between us and wrapped me inside his arms. And that was when I allowed myself to cry.