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Hi fam!!

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It’s been a week officially since I heard last from Timi.

Actually it’s been 6 days, 2 hours, 54 minutes and 30 seconds, I murmur walking towards the library to prepare for my next paper.

That is approximately a week in my books. It feels like a year or more. The gaping hole in my chest is very much still there but I have gotten better at hiding it.

Timi hasn't made any form of contact with me, it is like he has disappeared off the face of the Earth.

That is what I want, right? That is what I commanded him to do, right?

Then why does that realization bring a fresh set of heart wounds to my chest? Why did it make my mouth quiver with caged screams? Why did it make tears leak uncontrollably from my eyes in the middle of the night?

It is really difficult to focus while studying for my upcoming exams as thoughts of Timi infiltrate my mind—what is he doing right now? Is he thinking of me? Does he miss him?

I realize that even with everything that has happened between us, I still love him and my poor heart just cannot let him go.

I try to put myself in his shoes. Would I have acted that way? Would I have held unto such valuable piece of information that way? Most importantly, would I have used someone else that way? I guess I’ll never find out.

Only if I were a boy! I sigh just before bumping into a solid chest.

Or abdomen?

The human is indeed that tall making me feel very short.

“I’m sorry—” we say at the same time before bursting into laughter.

“You go first,” he rumbles politely with a really attractive set of twinkling golden brown eyes. They are so stunning I get lost in them momentarily.

“You have really nice eyes,” I mumble in awe. Such eyes are a rare sight in a black country such as Nigeria.

“Thank you,” he appreciates, his eyes twinkling even more.

I scan him under an impressive time of twenty seconds.

Height—check. Face—double check. Hot bod—triple check. Fashion & charm—quadruple check.

However, I feel nothing for him. I am not in the least attracted to him. This gives me a double take making me sigh miserably—mentally of course.

I don’t stop myself from flirting with him a little bit though, I need to confirm if my skills are as rusty as Adisa claims them to be.

That’s the only reason, I swear.

“So, what is a pretty boy as you doing bumping into mellow souls like mine?” I ask, blinking my eyes in a not-too-obvious manner as I twirl my braided ponytail.

I cross check my outfit mentally and I think I look quite attractive in my crop sweater, boyfriend jeans and ankle boots.

“Well this pretty boy totally loves bumping into souls like yours,” he flirts appropriately with a flawless wink to match.

Another thing I, Oluwasegun Jadesola, loves so much is a boy whose flirting skill matches mine. It is a big turn on for me.

This theory is definitely not working at the moment as I am a bit turned off. My stomach flips in a sickening manner. I guess this must have shown on my face since the tall boy looks at me carefully.

“Are you fine?” he asks sympathetically.

No, I am not fine. I am not fine. I will never be fine anymore.

Because he has successfully ruined other boys for me.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I mumble apologetically at tall boy before running off to find solitude.

And cry my eyes out.

I surely seem to be doing that a lot now.

*

“Yassss!!!!”

Without much description, that is Adisa screaming bloody murder.

Though I guess she has reasons to.

It is the end of exams for us. Not only the end of exams but the final end of exams for us. We are unofficially graduates.

I should be happy. I should be smiling and all but I definitely am not. My heartache grows immensely day by day.

I have not seen Timi after that ordeal. My soul is drained.

“Hey! I’ve been screaming your name,” Adisa toots, jumping in my front with her pink nailed hands in my face, “Don’t tell me you are thinking of him again,” she adds disappointedly.

“I can’t help it,” I mumble, swallowing thickly and blinking back my tears as the wind whip my ponytail left and right.

“Oh babe,” Adisa pacifies with pitiful eyes and wrap her arm around my muffler hidden neck.

“I’m so sorry,” she continues.

“Don’t give me that face,” I utter with a fierce look as I kick at imaginary stones wishing it was Timi.

I want to give him a taste of how I feel.

“I think I know the right way to make you get over him,” she says pretending to be deep in thought, “Let’s go clubbing,” she screams, skipping happily—her short gown joining in the motion—down the road with fellow students nearby giving us some funny look.

“We will,” I start, “If you stop skipping,” I mumble. Actually, that is not the only reason. In fact, that is not the reason at all.

I want to go clubbing to see if I will find a willing boy to help let out my frustrations.

I want to drink so much that I will hardly remember my name. Anything at all to forget Timi.

Even if it is only going to be temporary.

“Yassssssssssssssssss!” she screams again and it takes a lot of self-restrain to not murder her right on the spot.

*

I and Adisa have decided to try out a newly opened top notch hotel bar. According to reviews, it is the first best not only in the town, but also in the whole state.

Indeed the sight I am met with makes me to believe this with no doubt.

Stepping in through the opened door, I find the bar insanely magical, light bulbs hang low from the wooden beam, casting a warm glow on the lavender painted wall.

The bar is beautifully noisy—people’s talks, laughter and clinking bottles.

“This is lit!” Adisa whistles in appreciation.

Well, I think the bar is too classy for my liking but I don’t share that with her.

Even in my bold red short gown and stripper’s heels, I do not feel anywhere near bold. Or party-ready. My made up face helps to conceal my expressions a tiny weeny bit.

I fumble with my sleek purse as we walk to the available stools surrounding a dark round, wooden table at the left side of the bar.

Okay, I think the bar is quite beautiful, I finally admit grudgingly to myself.

“You don’t seem too into this party idea,” Adisa observes, her lined catty eyes pinned on me, “I will not have that this evening,” she adds looking at me with a ‘don’t-try-me’ face.

My eyes roll in exasperation.

“I won’t okay?” I grunt out waving over a busty barmaid.

At least that is the most prominent thing about her.

“Now hear that babe,” Adisa shouts.

It is ‘Anybody’ by Burnaboy jamming in the background, “That is my song.”

I agree with her on this since Burnaboy is also one of my favorite artist. His music is soulful and spiritual in a serious way. We move along to the music as we order our drinks.

It is a surprise that they have our favorite, Bitches & gents. My respect for the bar gains tremendous appreciation as I eye their well-stocked transparent fridge.

The music tone is getting darker and such is the lighting.

It is sensuous in its own.

I find Adisa eying a guy sitting opposite us with his friend.

Actually, the eying is definitely mutual.

He looks exactly like Ady’s type. Black. Tall. Buff. And pretty face.

“If only you would look upon me as such,” I cry, wiping nonexistent tears from my cheeks.

“Oh common!” she replies playing with her hair and round tire earrings.

Adisa only does that when nervous. And Adisa is never nervous about a guy. Like never.

“Wow!” I gasp with wide eyes, “I advise you to go talk to him now,” I command.

She looks like she really wants to get to know Mr. Dark guy. And I’ll go hell and above for my bestie’s happiness.

“But I don’t want to leave you lonely,” she protests, her eyes sneaking back to him as she fiddles with her fingers on the table.

“You’ll be doing us all a favor if you go meet him,” I say, “As I would love to hear the gist of how good his hit game was,” I whisper, leaning towards her conspiratorially, “Moreover, I’m a grown woman of 22 years and six months. I can take care of myself Ady,” I wink at her, throwing in the last drop of my drink.

I can feel the alcohol buzzing in my veins leaving fire in its wake. It is exactly what I want and crave at the moment. All I need to seal the deal is a nice willing young male body.

That is all.

“I have a better idea,” she says, her dark eyes glinting under the red and blue light. “Let’s move there together, please be my wing woman for the night,” she pleads, her catty eyes blinking.

“Sure,” I reply thoughtlessly.

Actually, I thought about it.

There is another guy on Mr. Tall guy’s table that seems a little bit my type. He is handsome looking. Though not quite as Timi. Shaking my head furiously, I will those ‘banned’ thoughts to vamoose from my brain.

We finally make our way to the table of four. I dish out my sexiest look as we catwalk to them. They do not bother to hide their stares at us.

“Hi you guys,” Adisa starts shyly, stealing subtle glances at Mr. Dark guy, he seems not to mind as he sends appreciative glances of his, his eyes runs over Ady’s body cladded in a sensuous short jump suit that hugs her curves in the right places.

I’m so proud of my friend’s body.
“Can we sit with you guys? My friend here is pretty boring,” she laughs.

I am so going to murder her. The two guys join in with deep throaty laughs. Mr. Dark guy looks impressed. I doubt if he notices me.

“I do not think I’ll agree with you on that,” says the pretty guy that I want for the night.

Up close, he looks so much finer with his hypnotizing black eyes and expressive pink mouth.

I smile wide at him, purposefully making my dimples pop in appreciation. 

“Of course, you guys can sit with us, although we are expecting three more of our friends, but I doubt they’ll mind you beauties,” Mr. Dark guy answers, his eyes on Adisa all through.

She giggles like a school girl and I am starting to get suspicious. Adisa never giggle at guys. She flirts, seduces and sexs them. But she never giggles at them.

I find this awesome as I now have an interesting piece of information to blackmail her with. What are friends for?

We mumble our thanks and get chairs from our former table.

Adisa sits immediately beside Mr. Dark guy while I sit beside my boy for the night. At least in my mind.

From our introduction, Mr. Dark guy’s name is Jamal while my boy for the night is Tim—short for Timothy.

I don’t know how to react at first as his name hit close to home. Is this a sign? A supernatural sign not to shag this guy?

I laugh it off in the end and tell him my middle name that I reserve for occasions like this—Alina.

“That’s such a pretty name,” he exclaims, gazing at me lustfully with his hypnotizing eyes.

He looks fit in his dress shirt, his fingers deftly slender and long, holding his beer bottle with them.

His hands look capable and strong, and I know that he will do a good job for me tonight.

However, with all of this, I am still haunted by Timi, a big part of my heart still wonder how he could craftily disappear from my life. Just like that.

Angry at myself for remembering him, I take a mouthful of my Budweiser drink.
A thrill buzz down my throat into my belly.

“Thank you Timothy,” I return.

“Am I allowed to call you that?” I ask feigning politeness. Even if he doesn’t, I still will.

“Sure Alina,” he replies his mouth corner quirking upwards in a smile. A smile that reveals his off white—almost brown—teeth.

I guess not everyone is physically perfect.

Unlike Timi, my treacherous heart whispers.

Whatever, I reply.

“How are you liking your evening so far?” I ask trying to make small talk and return his gaze, roaming my eyes over his face.

He does not shy away from it, in fact he returns it so much that I now know without a doubt that he wants me for the night.

A small part of me is happy while the other big part is very not. I guess my heart—a big part—still wants Timi back.

However, my brain knows that the best way to get over a guy is to get under another.

And I am so going to put this theory to test tonight.

“It is better,” he replies pointedly, his eyes like laser to mine, “However it will be the best if I can take this beautiful girl sitting opposite me home for the night,” he says sneakily with his eyes imploring me to say yes.

“This beautiful girl will appreciate it if you ask her directly,” I shoot back with a small smile, the alcohol hitting me in all the right places and making me mellow.

I will need more if I want to get laid tonight.

Timothy laughs at this and sends me an appreciative look, “Can I take you, Alina, home tonight?” he asks.

“Definitely,” I reply immediately.

He looks relieved at this and I wonder why. I’ve always received comment on how cold and hard to get I look most times.

But honestly, I am the easiest girl out there, in the sense that, if I want you, I don’t make the chase difficult.

It is at this moment that I notice, from the corner of my eyes, Jamal waving some guys over—I guess those are his friends. I and Timothy turn back to look at them.

I think my eyes are betraying me.
My palms are getting clammy, my armpits sweating—despite the loads of antiperspirant I used, and my heart is pounding furiously.

It feels like the end of the world for me when I see Timi walk closer, his left arm around a light-skinned girl. 

There is a guy beside them laughing out loud at whatever joke was shared between them.

Questions—has he moved on? Who is that bitch laying her hand on his chest? Did he ever love me like he claimed to?—floods my brain as an imminent headache begins.

I feel Adisa besides me and her index finger on my chin raising my head up.

“Let’s get to the bathroom,” she says with pity in her eyes.

I don’t object to her suggestion since I know it will do me well than sitting here.

Forcing a hard smile, “I’ll be right back,” I tell Timothy and Jamal.

They don’t seem to see anything wrong and I applause myself for being that good.

“Oh my God!” Adisa exclaims as she wraps her arms around me, “Please don’t cry again,” she pleads.

I cannot help the tears in my eyes.

“He’s moved on Ady, just like that,” I squeal out again.

It is like hundred punches are thrown at me.

My heart is in so much pain that I cannot fathom how I am still standing.

“Look at me Jade,” Ady commands her cute hands framing my face, “You will go out there and make out with Timothy, you will make him see that you’ve moved on even when you’ve not, you know, fake it till you make it.”

Wiping my tears from my face, I turn towards the double mirror in the ladies’ room to check out my face, my makeup is still intact but my eyes are a bit red.

“Let’s go Adisa,” I say after a while.

I see that girl eying Timi and blushing like crazy, Timi doesn’t seem to notice.

And oh god, he looks so…pretty. I find my heart fluttering at his sight.

However, I remind myself of my mission tonight—Act like you don’t know him, flirt a lot with Timothy and have sex with him(Timothy of course!) this night.

These three I am perfect at.

Let the game start!

“I’m back,” I smile at Timothy. I feel Timi’s eyes on my face. He sits directly opposite me.

“Let me introduce you to my friends here,” Timothy says with twinkling eyes, “This is Timi, Fiona and Chris,” I smile and wave at all except Timi, I can feel his stare on my face again, willing me to look at him, but I decide not to give him that satisfaction, “You guys”—he continues facing them—“This is Alina and Adisa,” he states, drawling out my name.

“Nice to meet you Alina,” Timi replies pointedly forcing me to look up and fake-smile at him.

His eyes are doing crazy things to me and I just want to run away.

But I remember my goal and mission this night.

“It’s been a while Adisa, how are you?” he says turning towards her.

“I’m just dandy mister,” Adisa replies so coldly it is a wonder the place did not freeze.

Thank you home girl.

This time I study Fiona, and I find her eyes on me already. Not backing down I continue to study her.

She is light-skinned and fresh, her eyes black and her gaze piercing. I can’t detect her natural lips color as she rubbed a deep red lipstick on it.

Her eyes seem to hold a sort of anger against me.

I do not know why for I have never met her my whole my life.

“So J—Alina how are you doing?” he asks trying to be as discreet as possible.

Swirling my drink in my bottle, I reply, “I’m fine.”

Turning towards Timothy, I say aloud; “You know I think men are the greatest scum ever.”

He laughs out at this like it is the funniest joke he has ever heard.

“Why would you say that?” Timi asks just as I thought.

“You know I’ll tell you a story; I used to like this boy, in fact I was in love with him, however he broke my trust by lying to me about a really important matter that was crucial for me to know about. I wish I never met that guy. Now don’t you think I have a right to think along that line?” I ask looking at his forehead.

I would never dare look below that.

His eyes are my utter weakness.

“Well, did you give that guy the opportunity to explain himself? Don’t you think the guy probably hates himself because of that? Don’t you think that guy is also in pains,” he answers with so much anger.

“Maybe you are just self-centered, maybe you are so insecure that you have been waiting for him to fuck up so you can push him out and build up your ridiculous walls.”

The whole table is quiet and I can feel the eyes of everyone on us, my vein is definitely popping out my head, and I swallow my anger along with the dredges of my drink. 

“That was intense mehn!” Jamal says breaking the deadly silence.

Everyone laughs at this except me, Adisa and Timi.

His girlfriend is eying me so terribly, I guess this is as a result of her not being able to get Timi’s attention off me.

“Would you like to dance with me?” I ask Timothy.

He replies with a shit-eating grin before leading me to the dance floor—his hands on my waist; Timi’s stare on me.

I still don’t know how I can feel his stare without looking at his face directly.

Wrapping my hands around Timothy’s neck—somewhere in my heart wishing it is Timi—I grind and whine against him, his boner digging into my navel.

Again, I realize that he is shorter than Timi and I can look into his eyes with ease thanks to my heels.

“You are so hot,” I hear Timothy mutter into my ear, biting my lobe.

I think the alcohol and music is more of a turn on for me than his humping into my navel which is causing me serious discomfort.

I do not say anything about this and keep dancing with him.

Different bodies bump into us on the dance floor causing us to hug so tight you can hardly fit a needle between us.

His hypnotizing dark eyes seep lust into my doe-shaped ones, “Can I kiss you?”

“Do you need to ask?”

His breath is hot on my face and he joins his lips to mine, his mouth is so fresh and minty and that pleases me greatly. I love guys who take their hygiene seriously.

His tongue clashes with mine, teasing my lips and turning me one. Not to lie, he is a great kisser.

However, his kiss will never compare to how Timis’ make me feel.

It is in this line of thought that a human bumps into us, breaking our kiss momentarily.

The bumper is Timi.

He is right beside us with his light-skinned partner; Fiona.

He glares at me before returning his stare to his partner.

I see him bending low to whisper something in her right ear before she lets out a laugh.

Green sickly jealousy invades me at this and I feel my heart breaking all over again.

I don’t know what I have done to deserve a fate as such.

Giving Timi a taste of his own medicine, I wrap my right leg around Timothy’s waist and rejoin my lips with his. My mouth clash and bit his. I pull his head closer wanting more.

Wanting more because I desperately have to forget about Timi.

Wanting more because I need to start acting like I’m over him till I can fake it.

Wanting more because I need to push back the tears threatening to fall from my eyes.

“Take me home Timothy.”

He must have seen the desperation in my eyes because he does not ask any questions before taking my hand and letting me out of the dance room.
Picking my purse from the bouncers at the front door, I send a text message to Adisa, telling her my plans for the night as we walk towards the open, silent public car park.

We are about to make it to Timothy’s shiny Camry when I hear his voice.

“Wait up!”

“I need to talk to you Timothy.”

He pulls Timothy aside without sparing me a glance.

I know immediately what he told him because Timothy is scratching his neck lightly as he walks towards me.

His walking gait is a bit off the track and very unimpressive. And his ex-hypnotizing eyes looks a bit stupid to me now.

In fact, I wonder what I saw in him initially.

“I’m sorry Alina, I can’t take you home with me.”

“Why?”

“Timi has told me everything, and he’s one of my close friends. I will never do that to him,” he says boldly with clear eyes.

All the lust I saw before is erased already.

A big part of my heart sigh in relief but I don’t tell him that.

“Leave me.”

Looking around the empty sidewalk I almost let out a loud scream.

Why is the universe against me so?

Why did this have to happen to me?

It’s like my fate is conjoined to Timi’s.

“Show your face.” I command, his musky scent a dead giveaway of his presence.

“Jade,” he says with so much longing, making my knees go weak.

He steps in front of me, his hands deep in his pocket, his eyes on my face, “Can you look at me, please?” he begs.

“Why did you tell Timothy all about us?” I ask glaring at him.

“Why won’t I? You think I will want to share the woman I love with another man? My friend at that?” he asks angrily.

I am forced to look at him at this point.

His sleek eyebrows are scrunched up in a frown and his expressive mouth is twisted.

He looks angry. 

And I think that turns, stupid me,  on.

“Maybe if you love this so-called woman you wouldn’t have broken her trust in you,” I shout back.

“Jade, I know I have made a mistake, all I’m asking for is a chance to make it up to you. I want to grovel and beg till you forgive me. But you won’t give me that chance. Remember you told me never to come 10 feet near you,” he says, his innocent eyes downcast.

“I was angry in that moment. I felt betrayed,” I reply, clutching my hand bag to fight my tears back.

His head raises up and he looks deep into my eyes with his soulful ones.

“That is all in the past Jade. We can still talk about this,” he pleads coming closer and closer to me.

The car park is mostly empty—of people, cars are very much present.

My breath is coming in fast paces and I will my body not to react to his invading tantalizing smell.

“I love you Jade, God, nothing can ever change that,” he says, darting his tongue out to lick his lips, the saliva left in the trail causing them to gleam under the yellow lights.

“Are you sure about that? What about that Fiona chick?” I force out, anger blasting through me.

How dare him!

He only lets out a light chuckle at this, with an endearing look, thoroughly eying my body and leaving a hot imprint that almost causes me to melt into the floor.

“Fiona is just a friend, at least from my side, you’re my fiancée,” he says, “If you still want to,” he adds quickly, “you’re everything to me and I know that is never going to change,” he whispers in a low tone.

I see a look of vulnerability flicker through his face.

It is so quick, it almost as if I imagined it.

“You said you love me,” I say finally, crossing my arms over my chest.

He nods enthusiastically at this, “You know this Jade, it will always be you,” he says with a sad smile.

“I need you to prove to me that you really do,” I say, resting my back against a Toyota model car for much needed support, as I can’t bear the weight of Timi’s stare alone anymore.

“I need to know everything about you, okay maybe not everything, but the important stuffs,” I emphasize, “I won’t be able to bear it if something like this happens again,” I add in a small voice.

“Look at me,” he commands raising my chin with his index finger.

That touch and his smoldering stare sends bolts of lust through my veins, my body is quivering and it takes all my willpower not to do something stupid right there and then.

“I love you and I really want this to work out with you. I promise that something like that will never happen again, I will never break your trust in me again. I will always prove this to you every day of our lives,” he says slowly his eyes shifting from my left eye to the other, his hands cradling my cheeks so softly I want to cry.

I cannot help holding on tight to him, burying my face into his shoulders as I shake lightly.

“”Okay Timi, okay,” I whisper in his ears, holding each other tight.
And we rock slowly.

****

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