Hi Scrubber Towners and Dark Parkers, Lacey here to bring you all the goss from Delfine's Academy of Beauty. I told Stace that she should really be in charge of writing this, as, after all, she's the one who goes to the Academy. Lainie does too, so she could have volunteered to write it. But they both reckon they're too busy. Doing what? I guess Lainie's got a new boyfriend and is wasting time with him. He is rather a waste of space, but Stace? Not sure. Hope she isn't keeping any secrets from me.

Anyway, Delfine has decided that she'd like more days off and to just work part-time.

Geez, Delfine, it's your business venture, but Stace and Lainie think she's lazy and would just like someone to do most of the work for her, so she's hired this chick called Cathee, who's a part-time makeup artist at Channel One, the One and Only One. Cathee was looking for more work, so she told Delfine's girls that she jumped at the chance of this incredible opportunity.

Really? Incredible offer? She doesn't know what she's buying into. In a word-chaos. After a few months Delfine's students know very little, fighting amongst themselves when they're more often than not left to their own devices. Also, several nasty little cliques have formed. The studio is always a filthy mess and Delfine constantly screams at the girls to bloody clean up, while she herself goes outside to smoke, eat lollies and take pain pills. More about Delfine's little habit later.

Anyway, back to Cathee. When Delfine introduced her, she sort of pranced into the room and she jingled, cos she wore necklaces and bracelets with small bells. She has unruly long dark hair, which the fashion mags call bedroom hair and Lainie and Stace are kind of envious about her hair. She wears false eyelashes, which also look cool as she has the knack of applying them properly; they're not all clumpy and heavy, but then Cathee's had plenty of practice. Hope she includes application of false lashes in her lessons, cos then Stace and Lainie can pass the tips onto me.

When she opened her mouth to introduce herself. She said

Girls, my name is Cathee, spelt with two ees and could you please try to pronounce it that way. I'm all about peace and harmony, though I can't feel much harmony in this room. We'll have to work on that.

Stace said Delfine looked really angry when Cathee said that. Before we start class, I'll get you to do some breathing exercises and ree-laxing before we commence.

There was much nudging of elbows and rolling of eyes when she said that and an undercurrent of whispers hummed around the room, such as who is this flaky bitch and wanker. Stace likes the word flaky to describe Cathee. She says it fits her to a T.

Delfine then cut in and said in her best fake and patronizing voice, which she uses to try to impress people, not that it ever does.

Sounds good bi***s, I mean girleez. I'll leave you in Cathee's capable hands. Do you all know that Cathee also works as a make-up artist at Channel One, the One and Only One?

We all know, called out Roxy, who's a bit of a ringleader and trouble-maker.

Welcome Cathee-ee-ee, she said, mocking her name.

Delfine added, we're very lucky to have Cathee, so I trust there won't be any reports of insolence or Cathee won't come anymore and we don't want that to happen do we girleez?

No, shouted Roxy, that would mean you can't go outside to smoke or stuff your face with lollies, both legal and illegal. Though you pretty much do that now, whenever you like.

Delfine glowered at Roxy, but left the room and Cathee took over.

Close your eyes girls and slow your breathing. Just ree-lax. Let's begin.

Stace said that half the class still had their eyes opened and were giggling and mimicking Cathee. Stace and Lainie reckon she's heaps annoying and they can't decide who's worse, her or Delfine.

In the middle of Cathee's attempt at ree-laxing, Delfine stumbled back into the room. She was wobbling and weaving from side to side. Her face looked green and she was panting.

She's overdosed, called out Roxy. Call 911.

Just get the bloody ambos, gasped Delfine.

Ree-lax, Delfine, said Cathee soothingly. Send positive thoughts out into the universe. Girls, you do the same.

Stuff the bleeping universe, groaned Delfine. Just call that number. What was it again?

911, repeated the loud mouthed Roxy. I saw it on the telly last night.

Very well Delfine. I'll call them now. Cathee picked up her phone and pressed in the numbers.

Then she turned to the class. Some voice told me that the number you have dialled has been disconnected. Check the number and try again.

Then try nine  nine nine, loov, said Madison, an English girl with an accent most of us could hardly understand. No wonder she sat by herself at lunchtime.

So Cathee tried again, then turned to the girls. Same message she said, The number you have called has been disconnected. Check the number and try again.

Oh, for heaven's sake, snapped Delfine. You're all useless. Call someone, do something, I'm dying.

She's definitely overdosed, said Roxy.

We don't know that, do we Roxy? I think Delfine's just having a panic attack . Cathee started fanning Delfine with a magazine, which Delfine just swatted away.

It was stuck-up Rubi-Redd Sidney from Beauvais Heights who finally got out her phone and quietly called the ambos.

They'll be five minutes, she announced sulkily. You're all idiotic, ignorant imbecile losers. The number to call is 000.

Of course it is, sighed Cathee, silly mee. I should have known that.

Yeah, you should, retorted Rubi and she and Leanne whispered to each other behind their hands.

As promised, the ambos arrived in five minutes and carried away a flailing, moaning Delfine.

Roxy was flirting shamelessly with one of the ambos, a really hot young bloke called Pete.

Can I come with youse guys? She called after them. I'm sick too.

Another day luv, Pete replied.

Roxy raced out the door after them. Here's my number, babe, purred Roxy. Call me, and she tucked a piece of paper into his pocket.

Typical Roxy. She came back and said smugly. He's going to call me, girls.

In your dreams, scoffed  Stace.

Settle down now girls, It looks like I'm here to stay, doesn't it? said Cathee. We've all had a bit of a shock, so just breethe deeply and ree-lax, and thank the universe for sending us Rubi-Redd.

Geez, who'd have thought it would be the little Beauvais Heights princess who came to the rescue?

Luv from Lacey and Stacey, even though she didn't do any of the work, lazy tart. xxxx

 It's rumoured that Delfine has an addiction to pain pills. What kind of pain? We reckon it's imaginary. Dr Una says it's known as psychosomatic. Roxy told us and she knows cos her cousin  Danae works in the pharmacy that used to be run by Phil, before he went to the Dark Park Detention Centre on narcotics charges. His brother Bill has taken over the business, and Roxy reckons he hands out as much under the counter stuff as his brother. Delfine makes very good use of this service, we're told. She calls them Delfine's little helpers.