Chapter 21

I was there, standing with my mouth hanging open.

Too in loved with him?

"W-what?" That was everything I managed to say.

Shit, Alys. Pull yourself together. 

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. Hindi ka iiyak, okay? Kahit isang luha, please, 'wag. Bwisit ka, Drake! I have tortured myself into thinking na kung anumang reason ang meron ka kaya mo ako iniwan noon, it was all worth it.

Worth every pain, every tears, every slap on the face whenever I think that I'm one lacking woman kaya mo ako iniwan.

...and then this. You gave me a crap of a reason. Gee, thanks!

He wasn't giving away anything. I looked at his face. He's still Drake. That freaking Drake that always drives me insane whenever. Hindi ko malaman kung ano ang nasa isip niya, kung ano ang nararamdaman niya.

He's like a freaking puzzle na hindi ko kayang i-figure out! I've tried everything, alam ko! One year. We almost lasted for a year and I swear I've been nothing but good to him. 

'Alys, okay lang yan. Tahimik talaga si Drake, e.'Wag mo ng masyadong dibdibin kapag hindi ka niya kinakausap.'

For years, I've convinced myself na ganyan ka lang talaga, na kahit sobrang sama mo in your exterior, inside, you care for me. Pero ano? You're a freaking downer! Sayang, e! Sayang yung isang taon na pinaghintay ko sa'yo... Sorry pero pwedeng magmura? Tangina... sayang.

"Iyon lang 'yun?" I stuttered.

He nodded and continued, "You can't handle being in love with me and actually living your life, Alys."

"Ha... ha... ha."

Mukha na akong tanga, natatawa ako. You did it again, Drake! For two years, nakumbinsi ko yung sarili ko na hindi na ako mabibigla in case na malaman ko kung ano nga talaga. Naisip ko na lang ng possibility! Na baka dahil kay Tripp kasi ayaw mo na mag-away kayo, or baka naman bumalik si Shaira o baka naman dahil nga kay Cristine! Matatanggap ko naman kung ang dahilan ay dahil sa'yo kasi alam mo, Drake? Selfish ka. 

"Yun na yun?"

He looked at me and nodded, once again.

"Walang complicated shit? Walang masakit sa ulo na reason? Walang nakakapang dudang excuse? Yun lang? Just plain 'I can't handle being in love and living a life' crap? Yun lang?"

Hindi siya lumapit sa akin. He kept his distance.

Those eyes... F-uck there he goes again.

"It's not just that, Alys. I broke up because you're like a ticking bomb. Can't you see, you're throwing your life for me." His voice was raising a bit.

Not once. Not once ko pang nakitang magalit si Drake. He's always calm, always composed, always ahead of me. I can't read him, I can't understand him. 

I pursed my lips. "You don't get to decide what's good for me."

"At that time, I could. I was your boyfriend when I decided that I wasn't worth all the shit your pulling," he said, still freaking calm!

"I wasn't pulling shits, damn you! Ano na naman ba 'to? Tungkol na naman sa pag-aaral ko?! Hindi ako matalino, Mr. Genius! Akala mo ba tatalino ako over night dahil iniwan mo ako? Hindi! I dropped out! Alam mo yun, Drake? Alam mo kung ano yung ginawa mo sa akin?" I stopped and took a deep breath. 

Eto na naman, Alys. 

"Boyfriend kita... Ikaw sana yung dapat na nageencourage sa akin na mag-aral. Nasa ibang bansa ako, I barely knew anyone. Shit I've never felt so alone, dun lang. Kahit saan ako lumingon, wala akong kakilala, wala akong makausap. I felt so lonely, Drake... ang hirap hirap...

"Naalala mo bago ako umalis? Alam mo na sobrang naghihintay ako na pigilan mo ako? Isang, 'Alys, don't go.' Iyan lang naman yung gusto kong marinig sa'yo... Yan lang, Drake. Three words, 10 letters pero pinagdamot mo pa sa akin... Alam 'yun, Drake? I was so in loved with you to the point that I'll beg my parents na wag akong paalisin. Alam mo 'yun? Syempre hindi na naman! Ano bang alam mo sa feelings ko, di ba? E ako lang naman si Alys na nagpumilit maging girlfriend mo!"

Shit I can't breathe. All these raw feelings coming out, kulang pa lahat ng iyak ko. Kulang pa. 

"Now that I've mentioned it, I feel so cheap," i said and then wiped my face with the back of my hand. "Siguro ganun yung tingin mo sa akin, no? Para pala akong aso... following you around, barking at whatever you say, waiting for your command. 

"Kaya ba sobra mo na lang ako kung i take for granted, Drake? Kasi alam mo na kahit anong gawin mo, ay mali pa, na kahit wala kang gawin, nandito lang ako palagi? Ha? Ganun ba yun?"

Bakit ba ako umiiyak? Ayoko ng umiyak! Ayoko na! Two years na yung nawala sa akin, e... Two years akong malungkot, two years yun... Ngayon na akong nagsisimulang makalimot, to finally let go of the past, to look forward to my future... pero bakit palagi na lang may humihila sa akin pabalik? It's like I'm bound to be back to this wrecked relationship!

"Mahal kita."

And then everything froze. Palagi naman. Tuwing ganito siya, nawawala ako sa sarili ko... pero ayoko na, please. Tama na... 

He took a step forward, just one. "Are you done, Alys?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I'll never be done, Drake. You'll never hear the end of it."

He gave me a small smile and said, "Good, because I don't care whatever you say about me as long as you're talking to me."

Naglakad siya papunta sa akin and he fished for something from his pocket. Nilabas niya yung panyo niya and offered it to me. "Stop crying."

Hindi ko tinanggap yung bigay niya and instead, I pushed him away. Ayoko. This is too close for freaking comfort.

I walked towards my bed and sat on the edge. "Talk."

"I won't talk if you're going to cry everytime I say things. That's not how it's supposed to be, Alys. You talk, I listen. I talk, you f-ucking cry. How am I supposed to talk, Alys? I hate making you cry, damn it!"

There. Sige lang, Drake. Galit ka na ba? Galit din kasi ako.

He went in front of me and gave me his handkerchief again. 

"Talk," I said again.

"Stop crying."

I looked up and saw his jaw clenched. "You don't get to decide for me now, Drake. Hindi na kita boyfriend."

He nodded. "But I love you just the same as when I was yours. And Alys, I'm still yours, you just refuse to acknowledge. I'm yours, you just hate to admit it."

"Stop," I whispered. "Stop saying you love me, Drake. Mahal ko si Tripp."

He sat near me but not beside me. 

"You want to know what I feel, right? Hear this: I'm still f-ucking in love with you, Alys. Always am, always will."

I clenched my fists and took heavy breaths while bracing myself of what's to come.

"Why I didn't ask for you to stay? Because I don't want you to stay," he said. "You always say how selfish I am, alright. I am selfish if wanting what's best for you is called being selfish. I talked to your parents. I asked them to let you stay, I told them I'll help you. Did you see me that day? Alys, I never begged for anything in my life. Never. Not once. But I was there, almost begging for something I know I can't have. I even asked my Dad, alright. I wanted to follow you around, to be your dog but I can't. You're my life and he's my father. I've been a bad son and back then was the time he needs me most. Little time was all I'm asking for.

"And then I realized why... you've always devoted your time to me. Am I selfish for wanting you to have a time for yourself?" he turned and looked at me. "I can do the devotion, Alys. I can give you one hundred percent of my time and attention while living my life. But you can't. You can't. Alys."

Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I hastily wiped them with his handkerchief. "Kaya ko..." I whispered.

He shook his head. "No, Alys. You just don't know but I always see whatever you're doing. You just don't know it but I'm always watching out for you. Do you know how you screwed with my brain while I was watching you throw away your life just for what? Just to follow me around?"

My hand automatically raised and slapped his left cheek. "F-uck you, Drake! I wasn't following you around, I was loving you!"

A hand mark was on his face. It hurt.

"You don't see it the way I see it, Perez. In my eyes, you're destroying your life."

"You're a destruction, anyway, Drake. You wreck things."

He said, "Not you, Alys. Did I wreck you? No. I set things straight."

"You broke me. That's what you did."

This was the truth. They said that the truth will set you free pero bakit iba yung nangyari sa akin? Bakit parang mas nakulong pa ako sa nakaraan ko dahil sa nalaman ko? 

He caught my hand and held it real tight. "I want you to love me without the expense of throwing your life. I'll do the loving, the following around, the worshipping, the efforts, everything, Alys."

I closed my eyes and thought of Tripp. "No."

"I'll wait for you, Alys. Just say yes."

He stood up and kissed my forehead.

Nagsimula na siyang maglakad but I asked him, "Will you do it again, Drake? Set things straight? Leave me even if seeing you do that breaks me in half?"

He turned to face me and said, "I'll do the worshipping and devoting, Alys. I'll live the double life. I'll love you while you live your life. I'll do all the loving. Say yes."